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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have sent this message to MIL

203 replies

RXI3 · 19/01/2022 17:05

For background, I work part time, DP works full time, we have 2 DC age 2.5 & 4 and life is pretty hectic at the minute.

It has become like an unorganised arrangement that DPs half sister (9) comes most nights for dinner, comes to our house at the weekend etc... and it is just getting too much.

My DC like playing with her sometimes but she can be incredibly bossy with them and my eldest daughter doesn't like it. She will over ride my parenting, is the best way to describe it, for example if DC leave their dinner I will say "its ok, we can try again later" and lets call her S, will say "no, I will feed you your dinner" and continue to shove a spoon in DC face no matter how politely I ask her not to.

We can only let the dog in the garden if the gate is shut, she will open the back door without asking and twice now the dog has got out. Again, I've politely reminded her and asked her not to without checking the gate is actually shut but nothing changes.

She wanted DD (4) to play a game of play pretend which involved a 'cheating boyfriend' so I reminded her of DDs age and that it isn't really appropriate to play like that with her.

I asked S and my DC not to go in our bedroom as we had Xmas presents on top of the wardrobe not yet hidden, DC can't open the door. S opened it then said she didn't mean to, but she would have no reason to be near the door. There has been numerous times she has took toys off DD to make her cry so she can comfort her.

She has put hairspray on DD when I asked her not to which resulted it in getting in DDs eyes

Although it is nice to have S round and let all the children play together it is so hard when DC just don't want to play with her and she is going against everything I ask her not to do.

I haven't had a reply yet but I text MIL along the lines of we don't mind watching S for you but it is always at short notice and with our own stresses of work etc, we are struggling, perhaps DC could come to you sometimes or we could go out somewhere instead.

DP is on the same page as me, I just hope MIL understands.

OP posts:
ChiefStockingStuffer · 19/01/2022 19:21

She's not your responsibility. Just say no. She's not your children's cousin; she's their aunt. And she's not a very good one at that at the moment.

Not to mention, she sounds quite poorly behaved for a 9 year old. What on earth is going on at her home!? She sounds horribly inappropriate for her age is she not supervised properly? Are they just exhausted from having such a young child that they've given up all pretense of parenting properly?

Just say no. I wouldn't be having her round for a while. Your DH needs to talk to his mother and put his foot down.

BoodleBug51 · 19/01/2022 19:26

I can see where you're coming from, but thats a huge amount of time for a child to be away from their own parents.

I'd be wondering what's going on at home, tbh...............

Nocutenamesleft · 19/01/2022 19:34

@ClassicsBelle

I just commented on another thread about people letting their children hang out at others’ houses interminably without being invited.

Put S to work helping with the chores. She will not just breeze in anymore.

In this way, you won’t hurt her feelings with rejection but it will stop her automatically walking over to your house every day.

This!!!!!!
AsYouWishButtercup · 19/01/2022 19:39

Bloody hell your MIL has seen you both coming hasn’t she! Taking the piss that she doesn’t return the favour. I’d even be tempted when she turns up to take her back to MILa with your kids in tow and say “S mentioned she wanted a play date - our house is manic and we have lots to do so far easier they have the play date here. Bye!”

BungleandGeorge · 19/01/2022 19:40

Do you think everything is ok at home? Is she trying to get away? Some of her behaviour sounds a bit odd

Natty13 · 19/01/2022 19:46

Why are you "politely reminding" a 9 year old of a) how to behave b) I your house c) with your children. That is absolutely nonsense. You TELL her how to behave and give consequences if she won't listen. You are the adult!

"S, don't try to force feed DD"
she continues
"OK because you did not listen, no pudding/no game after dinner/I'm taking you home now/you can't come back tomorrow if you can't behave"

You are going to be totally walked all over if you don't nip this in the bud.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 19/01/2022 19:48

Just send her home when she arrives-sorry, it’s not convenient S, you need to go straight home-we can see you at the weekend.

And if she misbehaves at yours then tell her off and give her a consequence…you do as your told or you go home-every time, be consistent. I told you not to let the dog out, you have to go home. I told you not to hurt my DC, you have to go home. I told you not to be rude, you have to go home.

Enough4me · 19/01/2022 19:49

Time to end this random dropping in. You need to focus on your DCs and not take in anyone else's DCs. Simply say no it's not weekend or holiday so not a visiting time. Then arrange a time with her mum when they visit you or you visit them (as family) not a DC coming in alone. That way you can say, for example, not today but we'll see you next week.

Santahasjoinedww · 19/01/2022 19:51

We lived in an upstairs flat. I put a baby gate without a latch at the top. Plenty of warning if sil was arriving.. She got sent back home.
Every time.. I saw her at her home twice a week.
Get tough op. You have your own dc to raise.

Pipsquiggle · 19/01/2022 19:51

Why didn't your DP send the text?

MIL is taking the absolute piss with all that free childcare, particularly if she doesn't work.

If it gets nasty, your DP needs to take over communicating with MIL

duvetdayforeveryone · 19/01/2022 19:52

Boundaries need to be set. You do not live in an open house. I am aware she is 9yo, but she sounds really annoying.

NeilTheBaby12 · 19/01/2022 19:53

I dont think your being unreasonable at all, you're entitled to live your lives with the two children that you've chosen to have and shouldn't have to take on a third but...

I dont think that S is being deliberately naughty. She sounds incredibly bored and lonely. I would guess that she isnt played with, interacted with or treated as a child at home so she comes to yours to feel cared for and to have someone to play with. I'm not saying that she is being neglected in terms of needing social care involvement but maybe her social and emotional needs are not being met and home but they are at your house.

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 19/01/2022 19:59

Bloody hell your MIL has seen you both coming hasn’t she!
This comment made me take stock a bit. I was commenting just about managing the situation, but it's very strange to me for a mother to not want to spend time with her child and vice versa. It isn't taking advantage like getting someone to fix the car, do your work, or clean your bathroom. This is at least one of mother/daughter actively not wanting to spend time with the other one. That's really sad. Why is that OP, do you know?

Tallisimo · 19/01/2022 19:59

Your DP should be sorting this, not you.

Vindicated2021 · 19/01/2022 20:01

@BungleandGeorge @BoodleBug51

I've (very briefly) RTT and can't believe this question hasn't already been asked.

It seems she doesn't want to be at home.....where's her DF in all this? How much older are her siblings. I would be more concerned (at the moment) as to why she constantly wants to be with you as opposed to her behaviour.

Luredbyapomegranate · 19/01/2022 20:05

It’s not a great conversation to have had by text. Ideally your husband would talk to his mother. I’d also insist that she agree you can discipline your s daughter, if you are caring for her. It sounds like she is very lacking in structure and this would do her some good - she’s 9, you are talking about her as if she’s 15. It’s of course fair enough to reduce the time.

WonderfulYou · 19/01/2022 20:11

I can see where you're coming from, but thats a huge amount of time for a child to be away from their own parents.

I'd be wondering what's going on at home, tbh...............

How old is MIL?

Unless you are a young parent there must be quite a big gap between DP and his sister so I’m wondering if MIL is older and struggling to cope.

WiddlinDiddlin · 19/01/2022 20:15

Just on the dog/gate issue.

Fit a self closing spring and a self latching latch to your gate and ideally, and keep it maintained so the gate will self close and latch if anyone leaves it to swing shut.

It might just be S now, but it won't be that long before your own DC can open doors and gates and let the dog out!

Im with the rest though - too lax, too lenient.

In my house this would be 'no, if you do that you'll go straight home' and follow through on that. My house, my rules and if she comes out with 'but my mummy said' I would say 'well your mummy did not check with ME'.

Yes she will be upset, but it is her own mothers fault that she's set up to be told off and told no, she can't come over/can't stay for tea etc etc. Not yours.

Orchid876 · 19/01/2022 20:20

It's a concern that she wants to spend so little time in her own home. You say you think she's just bored at home, do you think there could be more to it?

bengalcat · 19/01/2022 20:21

I’d be concerned about what’s going on in her home . Playing a game with your 4yr old involving a cheating boyfriend seems somewhat age inappropriate .

RedWingBoots · 19/01/2022 20:23

I voted YABU as you seem afraid in stating your boundaries firmly with:

  1. Your DP
  2. Your MIL
  3. With your 9 year old SIL

You need to tell your partner to:

  1. Tell his mother that his sister is welcome only one evening per week e.g. Thursdays and not any other time. Do not give your MIL a reason If she doesn't behave during the evening then you are taking her home.
  2. If your 9 year old SIL turns up on any other day you need to walk her home and repeat until the message gets through to your MIL that she can't come.
  3. The one evening your 9 year old SIL is in your house you make it clear that she follows your rules otherwise you will walk her home. After one warning the next time she does the same actions, you walk her home.
TheOccupier · 19/01/2022 20:25

MN seems to be even more full of doormats than usual at the moment. Just say no. And you don't need to ask a 9yo "politely" not to force-feed a 4yo - you just firmly say "thank you S, but I am in charge of DD and I have said that's enough" and if she doesn't listen right away you break out the fierce dog-training voice and say "STOP THAT AT ONCE".

CoffeeRunner · 19/01/2022 20:25

So, if SIL is walking herself to your house without MILs knowledge & staying with you until evening - where does MIL think she is? Why isn't she out looking for her?

If you aren't expecting her how long would it take for anyone to notice if she was missing? Hours by the sounds of it.

She's only 9. My 10 year old DD doesn't go anywhere unless I know exactly where she is. We don't have family close by but if we did I'd first be asking if they minded her popping round & asking for a message to let me know she arrived safely.

It sounds pretty neglectful TBH. I completely understand your point but I also feel pretty sorry for the child.

blubberyboo · 19/01/2022 20:27

To me it sounds like she is a very unhappy child and is striving for attention from adults and her older brother. Maybe a little jealousy of your children. I imagine she feels a bit abandoned by her mother if she’s spending so much time at yours

No suggestions really other than to point this out to your DP and suggest he pays a bit of attention to what is happening at his mums

woodhill · 19/01/2022 20:28

@bengalcat

I’d be concerned about what’s going on in her home . Playing a game with your 4yr old involving a cheating boyfriend seems somewhat age inappropriate .
Yes most odd
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