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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have sent this message to MIL

203 replies

RXI3 · 19/01/2022 17:05

For background, I work part time, DP works full time, we have 2 DC age 2.5 & 4 and life is pretty hectic at the minute.

It has become like an unorganised arrangement that DPs half sister (9) comes most nights for dinner, comes to our house at the weekend etc... and it is just getting too much.

My DC like playing with her sometimes but she can be incredibly bossy with them and my eldest daughter doesn't like it. She will over ride my parenting, is the best way to describe it, for example if DC leave their dinner I will say "its ok, we can try again later" and lets call her S, will say "no, I will feed you your dinner" and continue to shove a spoon in DC face no matter how politely I ask her not to.

We can only let the dog in the garden if the gate is shut, she will open the back door without asking and twice now the dog has got out. Again, I've politely reminded her and asked her not to without checking the gate is actually shut but nothing changes.

She wanted DD (4) to play a game of play pretend which involved a 'cheating boyfriend' so I reminded her of DDs age and that it isn't really appropriate to play like that with her.

I asked S and my DC not to go in our bedroom as we had Xmas presents on top of the wardrobe not yet hidden, DC can't open the door. S opened it then said she didn't mean to, but she would have no reason to be near the door. There has been numerous times she has took toys off DD to make her cry so she can comfort her.

She has put hairspray on DD when I asked her not to which resulted it in getting in DDs eyes

Although it is nice to have S round and let all the children play together it is so hard when DC just don't want to play with her and she is going against everything I ask her not to do.

I haven't had a reply yet but I text MIL along the lines of we don't mind watching S for you but it is always at short notice and with our own stresses of work etc, we are struggling, perhaps DC could come to you sometimes or we could go out somewhere instead.

DP is on the same page as me, I just hope MIL understands.

OP posts:
ChiefStockingStuffer · 20/01/2022 17:08

I feel sorry for the child tbh. Her behaviour isn't 'bad', its typical behaviour for a nine year old

No, it's not actually. It's absolutely not.

Strangeways19 · 20/01/2022 17:38

did the mil write back to the text?

MrsLighthouse · 20/01/2022 17:58

YANBU. You didn’t choose to have 3 children. Might have been better for you DP to have explained it’s too much …but l don’t think there’s anything wrong with putting in limits.

bethholli · 20/01/2022 18:15

Yeah, no 9 year old "comes round". They come to be looked after. When yours are 9 you'll see how totally childish they still are and that this behaviour isn't bad, it's normal for a kid. But this is not your kid, and it's entirely fair to say you can't be responsible for her so often. Pretty sure her mother knows she'(9y.o)s not the one doing the babysitting!!

CallmeBadJanet · 20/01/2022 19:11

@RXI3 Doesn't matter how you worded your message or how busy you are, WTAF is 9 year old S's behaviour about? DP needs to start being a brother, she's not your responsibility. Jesus Christ!

tkwal · 20/01/2022 19:42

She is 9. Even if this is an informal arrangement (your MIL is massively taking advantage) you and your other half are effectively acting in loco parents. In other words, when she doesn't do what you ask, give her consequences...send her to a quiet spot to think about her actions or similar. It's a case of your house, your rules. If your MIL doesn't like it she's free to find a childminder

Proudofmynane · 20/01/2022 20:03

I know it's a pain but I feel for this lonely 9yr old. Could you not suggest to MIL some clubs or things in the evenings that S could attend? Brownies or something that will get her mixing with kids her own age!!

MananaTomorrow · 20/01/2022 20:16

I think you need to start treating her like a child, which she is.
That means she needs to parented, told off when she is misbehaving (Eg letting the dog out, using the hairspray etc…)

She is also told that she needs to go back home when it’s getting too much for any of you (you the Op or one of your dcs)

It’s going to be hard for everybody because it seems that it has been going on for a while though. I suspect MIL is enjoying the fact she has a break so often. The child is used to be entertained/come as she pleases/not been told off.

MananaTomorrow · 20/01/2022 20:18

I know it's a pain but I feel for this lonely 9yr old. Could you not suggest to MIL some clubs or things in the evenings that S could attend?

On the other side, MIL isn’t a new mum and has done that before. She should know the ropes really.
And the OP is the DIL. I suspect that being told how to look after her child isn’t going to go down well.

FortniteBoysMum · 20/01/2022 20:22

I would be telling mil that s is your sil not your daughter. It sounds like from this your doing most of the parenting. If s cannot do as you ask tell her she will not be coming to play anymore.

Hydrate · 20/01/2022 20:29

Send her home if she disobeys you, or annoys you. If she tries to shove food in a little child's mouth, you say "You need to go home now as you are being too rough/bossy/not listening and I don't care for that behavior. And firmly send her home, and inform her dm right away. Also send her home before dinner. No explanations neccessary. A "Time to go home now". A couple times a week you could ask her if she would like to stay for dinner then get her to ask her dm if it is ok. Don't let it be assumed by anybody that she can eat all her dinners with you.

Duchess379 · 20/01/2022 20:55

I'm still trying to get my head around the fact that your husband has a 9yr old sister! I think mil is taking the piss & is too tired dealing with her dd so palms her off onto you 2! Definitely a cf!!

Mylittlespuds · 20/01/2022 21:21

Start thinking about what you would like the situation to look like instead of worrying about offending someone. She isn’t going to like it, it means there is change and people don’t like that.
I would go and see whoever should be looking after her and say I’m finding it a bit much and quite stressful I need you to do the following......(whatever works for you) because I’m a my limit and I feel overwhelmed at times. Stay firm with it (assert your needs) if they come back saying oh I really need this that and the other say I know but i really can’t do this anymore and offer solutions but not ones that back down or implicate you because they will do this again and again. Don’t worry what they think of you either, they are using you and aren’t worried what you are feeling. Stay strong stay firm do not fold. You are clearly a lovely person to do so don’t doubt yourself if they try the guilt trip this but things have to change. Good luck do it in person text can be misconstrued or not responded to. Be brave but nice.

Londoncallingme · 20/01/2022 21:26

YABU Not to get DH to tell her - much less confrontational.

Madamum18 · 20/01/2022 21:36

Grand parents are supposed to help you not the other way around!

Er No! Grandparents may well be willing to help etc etc! There is NO supposedabout it. It is not an entitlement. Grandparents have their own lives they are not around to serve their adult children!!

Equally OP you are not there to "serve" your MIL. I think you need to:

*Be clear with MIL about making proper arrangements for visits

  • That S must be told clearly NOT to just come and NOT to lie about her Mum saying she could

*You need to be firm and the adult in your relationship with S...she is a 9 year old!!!! So

*You do NOT open the door because it is dangerous for (the dog). If you keep doing it then you will not be able to come round until you can manage to stop doing it because it is not fair for (the dog) to be put in danger. Do you understand that?
*That is not a game that you are to play with (son/daughter). Stop!...if it happens again ...That game is to stop now. I have asked you not to play it so you will have to go now, as I expect you do as I have asked you to!

And so on!
*

swampygirl · 20/01/2022 23:28

You are a mug allowing this to go on and it's upsetting everyone.
You're the adult, in your own home and it should be the case of what you say goes. I wouldn't have her upsetting my children. I'm afraid she would have had the sharp edge of my tongue and would have marched her back home well before half of this had happened telling your MIL that S can't come most nights for dinner or every weekend. And state the reason(s) why. If she doesn't like it tough! She'll have to get over it.

LookItsMeAgain · 21/01/2022 08:51

Has your MiL responded to your text?

I agree with the other posters who say you have to be the adult here. Your MiL and S are taking the piss and you need to put a stop to it.

Get your DP to speak with his mother about this at this point. Text messages probably won't cut it.
Simple rules - If MiL wants to send S to you, she MUST check before sending her on her way.
If you (either you or your DP) need to send S back to MiL, you'll phone her and let her know that S is on her way and she is NOT to send her back.

I feel for S but she isn't doing herself any favours. Perhaps a chat from her big brother might help here. Set her straight on a few things.
For example he could say "If you do X again, we can't have you to stay again" or "When you did Y, how do you think Baby felt? Was it nice to do that? Would you like it if we did that to you'? So you understand that you're not to so Y again. If you do, unfortunately we'll have to send you back home to MiL and you can't come again until you stop doing Y".
Just a thought.

Dovecare · 21/01/2022 10:57

I dont think any of us can reply properly until you tell us why the child is with you in the first place

nannykatherine · 21/01/2022 19:04

I dont t think the behaviour is normal at all..
she disobeys
Doesn’t listen
Is mean to the children
Really awful behaviour

PeachyPeachTrees · 21/01/2022 19:41

If MIL is not working then I suggest you ask her to have your 2 kids plus her own child and share the load, bet she won't like that idea! Does the 9 year old have a father at home?

tattygrl · 21/01/2022 19:56

WHY is this girl spending so much time away from home?

Why doesn’t her mother want more interaction with her everyday after school?

There are some big red flags here and you need to accept the fact that there is a young child behaving inappropriately and not wanting to be at home. You need to look into this. Ask for support and advice about how to approach it, but I’d be trying to speak to S about what it’s like at home, what things she does with her mum, etc.

Don’t just brush this under the rug. Be there for her in a meaningful way, by doing your best to make sure she has a safe and loving home life. Involve DP in this, too.

Summerfun54321 · 21/01/2022 20:03

It sounds like she’s being neglected. She doesn’t know how to behave properly and she’s constantly knocking on your door for food and attention. Why isn’t she doing activities with her peers after school?

tattygrl · 21/01/2022 20:08

Also, another vulnerable party here are your own children, who need to feel and know that their home is a safe sanctuary, where they won’t be obligated to tolerate upsetting and invasive treatment. There’s enough of the for them from the outside world - it’s very important for them to know they have a secure space where they will always be respected. S clearly needs this too, and as I said previously I feel you must investigate her home life as best you can, but S’s needs mustn’t come at the expense of your own DC.

MummyJasmin · 21/01/2022 20:09

Did your mil get back to you.
She's taking the p.

Keepitonthedownlow · 21/01/2022 20:17

You'll probably have to move house.

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