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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have sent this message to MIL

203 replies

RXI3 · 19/01/2022 17:05

For background, I work part time, DP works full time, we have 2 DC age 2.5 & 4 and life is pretty hectic at the minute.

It has become like an unorganised arrangement that DPs half sister (9) comes most nights for dinner, comes to our house at the weekend etc... and it is just getting too much.

My DC like playing with her sometimes but she can be incredibly bossy with them and my eldest daughter doesn't like it. She will over ride my parenting, is the best way to describe it, for example if DC leave their dinner I will say "its ok, we can try again later" and lets call her S, will say "no, I will feed you your dinner" and continue to shove a spoon in DC face no matter how politely I ask her not to.

We can only let the dog in the garden if the gate is shut, she will open the back door without asking and twice now the dog has got out. Again, I've politely reminded her and asked her not to without checking the gate is actually shut but nothing changes.

She wanted DD (4) to play a game of play pretend which involved a 'cheating boyfriend' so I reminded her of DDs age and that it isn't really appropriate to play like that with her.

I asked S and my DC not to go in our bedroom as we had Xmas presents on top of the wardrobe not yet hidden, DC can't open the door. S opened it then said she didn't mean to, but she would have no reason to be near the door. There has been numerous times she has took toys off DD to make her cry so she can comfort her.

She has put hairspray on DD when I asked her not to which resulted it in getting in DDs eyes

Although it is nice to have S round and let all the children play together it is so hard when DC just don't want to play with her and she is going against everything I ask her not to do.

I haven't had a reply yet but I text MIL along the lines of we don't mind watching S for you but it is always at short notice and with our own stresses of work etc, we are struggling, perhaps DC could come to you sometimes or we could go out somewhere instead.

DP is on the same page as me, I just hope MIL understands.

OP posts:
PiffleWiffleWoozle · 19/01/2022 20:29

YABU to send a difficult message by text rather than having a conversation. But the general points you are making aren’t unreasonable in themselves.

GemmaRuby · 19/01/2022 20:34

Has MIL replied yet??

nitsandwormsdodger · 19/01/2022 20:35

It is odd that she is rounds yours so much when it’s not essential child care
Your mil should have all the kids to help you ??

Itslit · 19/01/2022 20:36

Maybe I’m overprotective, but I find it inappropriate for a 9yo to be walking herself down the street to a family member’s house and playing games about cheating boyfriends. My almost9yo is years away from this.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 19/01/2022 20:47

I have ten year old twin girls and I don’t recognise anything of what you’ve described as “normal 9yo behaviour”. When she’s with you you need to be more assertive. In this house these are the rules. “If you can’t behave you’ll have to sit colouring at the table in my eye line so I can watch you at all times.” I’d get some toys in the living room and make it clear we’re not going upstairs when she visits. I wouldn’t go into that much detail with mil though - something like her being strong willed and the age gap is making the play date quite stressful right now so you’ll need to scale it back to one day a week max at the moment.

BitterTits · 19/01/2022 20:48

I don't think you are babysitting. I think your MIL isn't parenting.

Sweep89 · 19/01/2022 21:02

If your cooking for the sister most nights what's happening to the meals her mum's cooking? Might sound like a weird question but surely her mum is making her dinner and then she's just not eating it right? Why does she want to spend so much time away from home. Somthing about this is off. If I were you I'd be concerned to keep sending the girl home until I knew why she so obviously didn't want to be there and why her mum isn't making her dinner every night. Plus why she seems to be being exposed to ideas that aren't age appropriate? Sounds like the issues her are entirely with the mother in law.

pinkyredrose · 19/01/2022 21:08

How often does Mil have your kids?

LesLavandes · 19/01/2022 21:20

I think boundaries need to be set about visits amongst all the adults without upsetting the child.

JugglingJanuary · 19/01/2022 21:25

The biggest issue here is that there's a 9 yo that's 'playing out' & hee mother has no idea where she is.

I'm all for a bit of freedom & 'playing out' at that age, but in a limited area & fir a limited time- not far enough she can walk to your house & not for anywhere near as long or late as she is... where the fuck does her mother think she is, if not at yours??

One rule I'd put in place is that she does not come until MIL has phoned you to check it's ok (& you text MIL to say she's arrived at yours.

If she goes missing who the fuck is going to know??

JugglingJanuary · 19/01/2022 21:27

As for the 'cheating boyfriend' game WTF? She's NINE.

alorslanon · 19/01/2022 21:30

Yes, I've got a nine year old, and she has no idea what cheating is. From the little that you've said here, I'd be very worried about this little girl.

Cherrysoup · 19/01/2022 21:31

Your mil is a massive pisstaker. Get your DP to tell her no except by invitation. Why are yo7 having t9 deal with this? I bet he doesn’t look after his half sister when she’s at yours!

Sportslady44 · 19/01/2022 21:32

Could you not have rung. Messaging is a cop out and tends to go wrong

Mamanyt · 19/01/2022 21:36

~mutters to self~ Yeah, and I'd kinda wonder about a 9-year-old wanting to play "Let's Pretend" about a cheating boyfriend.

SquirrelG · 19/01/2022 21:39

You and your DP both work and you have three children, there is no way you should have to be providing dinner and care to this girl most nights and at weekends. I can't believe your MIL thinks this is okay.

boolabingbo · 19/01/2022 21:40

Misses point but surely a 4 year old can open a door ?

CPL593H · 19/01/2022 21:54

I don't blame you at all for not wanting this situation, but I also feel sorry for the girl. I think your DH (she is his sister) needs to do bit of digging about why this has happened, it isn't usual and I think MIL is at the root of the issues.

CharityDingle · 19/01/2022 21:54

For those saying leave the children with MIL, I wouldn't. Not with the nine year old having free rein, no way.

As said OP, time to call a halt to this. Imagine the school holidays, she will move in with you, if you don't assert your authority asap.

Also in relation to what you should say, I notice posters using the word sorry, sorry you can't come in, sorry it doesn't suit.

NOPE.

'Off you go. You can come to tea on x day', and, OP you lay down the law in relation to behaving properly. As I said earlier, there is too big an age gap for the children to become friends. She needs to be mixing with children her own age, not tormenting yours.

Kite22 · 19/01/2022 22:04

I think there are several different things to separate out.

YANBU to not want to be childminding a 9 yr old every day of the week.

YABU to message her. Presumably one of you sees her mother every day (whether she is picked up or one of you takes her home). You (either you or your dp) should speak to her in person, or, at least pick up the phone.

YABU to be pussyfooting around with your "no matter how politely I ask her...". You are the adult. Tell her. Any child in your house is under your jurisdiction - let them know the rules / remind them of the rules / then uphold the rules. Don't 'allow her' to determine what is happening.

YABU to let her in if it doesn't suit you. If she is old / independent enough to walk down to yours on her own then she is old / independent enough to walk back. Open the door, say "Oh, what a shame you didn't check first, it isn't convenient today. Ask your Mum to give us a ring next time you want to come down and we can sort out a time to suit" or "You can pop in for 1/2 hour but it isn't convenient for you to stay for tea tonight" or whatever suits.

You need to work on being more assertive before your own dc get to an age where they will start having friends round.

Sh05 · 19/01/2022 22:08

The mil definitely knows where she is, she's sending her down to yours but acting like she doesn't know that's where she's ending up.
Poor kids being pushed out by mum who can't be bothered to entertain her.
That's not your problem though as you already have your hands full.

Fairylightsongs · 19/01/2022 22:12

Your husband really chickened out of this one didn’t he? This is so easy to resolve, he speaks to his mum sets the ground rules, and then if she turns uo say just for thirty mins tonight or not tonight sweetie sorry the kids are tired

She’s obviously bored and lonely though, that’s why she’s coming over.

ChuckMater · 19/01/2022 22:15

When she comes tomorrow just say 'sorry you can't come in tonight we're busy doing xyz' or don't even give a reason just say no. With any hope MIL will try to keep her a bit more occupied since you sent your text

Cantleave · 19/01/2022 22:17

Is DP really on board with not having his half sister round? Just seems strange that he is leaving you to deal with this?

I really don’t understand why you are letting this continue? Does mil have your dcs during the week to help you out? You work pt, your dp works ft, you have 2 small children and as you say life is hectic! However, mil doesn’t work, her dd is at school during the day and she is encouraging said dd to come to you every evening and weekend! When does she actually see her dd? Is mil not interested in her dd? Is there is a medical reason for mil being unable to cope with her dd? If none of these, she is a lazy cow, and you should put a complete stop to sil coming over, unless invited. However, perhaps better that dp tells his dm that this stops now!

HobgoblinGold · 19/01/2022 22:20

I hear that this is stressful for you, but from S point of view - the following stand out to me.

  • she is around yours most nights - why?
  • she's ‘bossy’, forceful even with forcing your child to eat - where is she learning this from?
  • she is ignoring clear instructions, from gates to presents - why?
  • the game of cheating boyfriend - where has she gotten this specific roles from?
  • she purposefully takes toys off your daughter to then comfort her - why?

Her behaviour is indicative of her world. How stable is her home life? How is school getting on? A child will naturally go where they feel safe. Why is this not at home with her immediate family? A child will also act and play what they see and hear. This is not a problem with the child in isolation but represents a bigger issue.

Yes boundaries are important, but preventing her from coming to yours will be confusing for S especially if she sees your home as somewhere she feels safe.

Is her mum well?

I also don't think it helps to think this is your husbands responsibility just because it's his sister. You, by proxy, are acting within a parenting role to this child.

I feel having an actual conversation with her mum would be better than text and most importantly for all primary carers, including yourself, to be part of this discussion.

Perhaps by seeing this from S point of view will enable a much more healthier and robust solution in the long run.