To have sent this message to MIL

[RXI3]

For background, I work part time, DP works full time, we have 2 DC age 2.5 & 4 and life is pretty hectic at the minute.

It has become like an unorganised arrangement that DPs half sister (9) comes most nights for dinner, comes to our house at the weekend etc... and it is just getting too much.

My DC like playing with her sometimes but she can be incredibly bossy with them and my eldest daughter doesn't like it. She will over ride my parenting, is the best way to describe it, for example if DC leave their dinner I will say "its ok, we can try again later" and lets call her S, will say "no, I will feed you your dinner" and continue to shove a spoon in DC face no matter how politely I ask her not to.

We can only let the dog in the garden if the gate is shut, she will open the back door without asking and twice now the dog has got out. Again, I've politely reminded her and asked her not to without checking the gate is actually shut but nothing changes.

She wanted DD (4) to play a game of play pretend which involved a 'cheating boyfriend' so I reminded her of DDs age and that it isn't really appropriate to play like that with her.

I asked S and my DC not to go in our bedroom as we had Xmas presents on top of the wardrobe not yet hidden, DC can't open the door. S opened it then said she didn't mean to, but she would have no reason to be near the door. There has been numerous times she has took toys off DD to make her cry so she can comfort her.

She has put hairspray on DD when I asked her not to which resulted it in getting in DDs eyes

Although it is nice to have S round and let all the children play together it is so hard when DC just don't want to play with her and she is going against everything I ask her not to do.

I haven't had a reply yet but I text MIL along the lines of we don't mind watching S for you but it is always at short notice and with our own stresses of work etc, we are struggling, perhaps DC could come to you sometimes or we could go out somewhere instead.

DP is on the same page as me, I just hope MIL understands.

Your boyfriend/girlfriend should deal with this themselves as it's their family.
However, YANBU

You're being treated like a right mug!

Turn her away. Once a fortnight for tea by arrangement only.

I know she’s your DH’s little sister, but honestly, why are you asking her permission?

She gets told she needs to go home or MIL is told to come and collect her. She’s taking the piss and you are both letting her. It’s not your responsibility to feed and entertain her!

And stop asking her things.
Tell her
Time to go home.
No, not tonight. See you on Tuesday.
Stop doing that please.
I said not to do x/y/z
etc etc

Instead of
"The dc are getting a bath, is it ok if dh walks you home now?"

Say
"Lovely to see you S. Time to go home now though. Its dark so dh will walk you home, go get your shoes"

You don't need a reason like the bath, and you don't ask her you tell her what's happening. Still polite and kind but if you can't speak directly to her you will never be comfortable around her.

Also for the dinner example.

"Don't feed dc, she is too old for that" and remove the spoon.

I have nephews who are well behaved and same age as mine. I could not have them round every day. Yanbu to put a stop to this. Once or twice per week maximum. And should be reciprocated.

YABU you shouldn’t be messaging your MIL your DH should just have a chat with his mum and put more rules in place for S.

I put YABU because your text was so wishy washy and unassertive.

I agree with the above poster, text that you cannot be looking after another child on top of all your other stresses.

IF and only IF you want this girl round once a fortnight for tea then offer that. But only that.

Encourage the girl to play with friends her own age.

And yes, never ask if it's ok for her go go home now! You just tell her.

Yes you do need to stop asking, start telling. Including phoning MIL in front of S "MIL, S said you told her to come here, but its not convinent, can you message me to check next time? I'm sending her home now." Every time. When you do decide you'd like her to leave (before dinner), "shoes on, time to go S." "Because I said so."

@MargosKaftan

Yes you do need to stop asking, start telling. Including phoning MIL in front of S "MIL, S said you told her to come here, but its not convinent, can you message me to check next time? I'm sending her home now." Every time. When you do decide you'd like her to leave (before dinner), "shoes on, time to go S." "Because I said so."

This.

Stop pussyfooting around. No one else is!

Seperate issue but do start locking the doors when you're in, especially the door to the gate the dog can get out of, this will happen again with your own kids are they get older too, dog will get let out by mistake and be away on the street, chains on the doors out of reach is useful too. You're doing free childminding, its too much, especially if you don't feel able to say no to a 9 year old. Don't ask if its OK, tell her it not ok, same for your MIL. Don't suggest alternative set days instead either or you will be doing that forever, having agreed to it as childcare. MIL should be looking after her own kid, instead of using you.

[quote SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]@RXI3 - I think you need to set clear boundaries, and consequences for crossing them - give her a single, clear warning and then enforce the consequence.

Eg: if she tries to carry on feeding the baby - “Don’t feed the baby. I have said they can stop and I will try later. If you don’t do as I’ve told you, you will have to go home”

Or “You are not to go in my room. If I find you in there, or unlocking the door, I will send you home”.

She needs to know you are in charge, and if you set clear limits, and enforce them, she will learn - and this is fine practice for when your children are this age, and testing the limits themselves.

It’s ok to be firm.[/quote]
This. Absolutely.
You say you are not scared of S and MIL, but you are. You are scared of telling S to stop, picking up your child and saying '2do not make this baby cry so you can comfort her". Its past her bed time and you need to go home to MIL now.
As pp said no asking just telling.
Its not rude or aggressive to firmly tell a nine year old. "I decide when she eats, please do not carry on feeding her when I have asked you not to.. "
You have to stand up for your DC
You wouldn't let anyone else do this to them. Make them cry so they can play at comforting them!! That is horrible!! You are their mum and should not allow a 9 year old to treat them like toys because it might upset S. Her behaviour sounds very annoying.
When she ignores you, ask on repeat "did you not hear what I just said, if you are in my house, you need to follow my rules" until you have her attention, and actually send her home every time she's doing annoying things. Don't put up with it anymore.
Its not mean to say, "you are upsetting DC and they have had enough play for today, DH will walk you home now." And mean it. BTW this gives DH a chance to do something about it as they will all get tired of this and he has a chance to say that this is too much to MIL.
She probably won't like this as she is used to having her own way, but its not horrible or mean to assert yourself in your own house.

Why send such a wishy washy text to MIL. What are you asking? Sounds more like you are making concessions and saying you don't mind S being there. Make it clear, and given the lack of supervision of her own child, I wouldn't even want DC to go her house. If she takes you up on that it will be once or twice so that she can continue offloading S onto you.

Your DH should back you up and ideally he should be having the chat but since he hasn't done anything and its you at the receiving end all the time you are perfectly within your rights to say nicely to MIL. You cannot send S to our house for dinner every single night. We work full time and have 3 children to cope with. She must surely have homework. Prepare what you want and don't drown your message in extra "nice" padding or she won't get the point.

MIL probably won't like this.. but stand your ground. You know you are right. So what if she takes offence or doesn't like it. S is her responsibility, not yours! You would actually be doing S a favour to stop an arrangement like this. It is not helping S's relationship with you and DH.
If this is during term time, be prepared for S to be practically living with you in the holidays if you don't put your foot down. MIL should be taking her to afterschool clubs, swimming, brownies so that she can make some friends her own age. She should be arranging proper holiday activities for her.
I see you are trying to tread the line between not being unwelcoming to S but MIL is completely taking the mick. She's recognised that you want to be nice and is pushing for all she's worth.
If you want to keep the relationship, decide what you can cope with, draw the line and then stand up to her before this blows up to a full scale fallout when it becomes unbearable. You sound like a very kind person but its time to stop them taking advantage of you.

Would you allow one of your DC to have a friend round nightly? Or one of your dc to go round the neighbours house daily?

If no. Then don’t let her. Simplem

YANBU. Turn her away if she turns up when it's not convenient. And get DH to contact MIL if she needs telling again.

If this is during term time, be prepared for S to be practically living with you in the holidays if you don't put your foot down. MIL should be taking her to afterschool clubs, swimming, brownies so that she can make some friends her own age. She should be arranging proper holiday activities for her.

Exactly.

I think I would be telling the older child who comes round, to behave properly, and do as she is told when she misbehaves, she is old enough to know right from wrong. I would say this personally to a child of this age,to get the message across, becasue you are the one,who witnesses all these things.

I just commented on another thread about people letting their children hang out at others’ houses interminably without being invited.

Put S to work helping with the chores. She will not just breeze in anymore.

In this way, you won’t hurt her feelings with rejection but it will stop her automatically walking over to your house every day.

I cannot believe you’ve let this continue despite her bad behaviour!

@CharityDingle

If this is during term time, be prepared for S to be practically living with you in the holidays if you don't put your foot down. MIL should be taking her to afterschool clubs, swimming, brownies so that she can make some friends her own age. She should be arranging proper holiday activities for her.

Exactly.

Yes, this.

I don't think you've been clear enough Tbh. You do mind looking after S and do you really want to send your kids there or go out? You need to clearly say she's coming over too often and it's not convenient more than once or twice a week. The message should be from your DH.

Oh fuck that. I think you are being far too nice and accommodating to a child who seemingly spends more time with you than her own mother! She probably loves it at yours because she’s getting away with murder! I would have sent her home for things like purposely making my DC cry and for continuously endangering my dog’s life by letting it escape. Your MIL is taking the piss and even your message to her was too soft.

I can't get my head around the fact that you - a working Mum with two young children - are doing full time childcare for your MIL - who doesn't work and never reciprocates.

Time to lay it on the line very clearly - no 'sorry' no 'is it OK if..'
Preempt the child coming round, say to your MIL ' DP and I both work and have two young children, we are finding it too much to care for your child as well, when there is no reason you can;t look after her. Also when she is in our home she is disrespectful and will not do as she is told. If she asks to come round tell her 'no'. It is not convenient. She may come round if and only if we invite her'

Don't beat about the bush - let her know you are on to her blatant idleness in shoving her kid onto someone else.

I have known any 9 year olds and I would not say this is normal behaviour, it is manipulative and not something you want around your children.

I feel sorry for the child as she is probably bored out of her mind, so she makes mischief, but that is not your problem. It is up to her mother to find ways to amuse and entertain her to take her out, do activities with her, help her with homework etc. What the hell is this woman doing with her time?

'many' not 'any' 9yr olds

Personally for me it sounds like S has some emotional issues that she is trying to understand and is acting out through play?

She's misbehaving repeatedly in your house. Send her home! And she'd be told at the outset of the next visit if she doesn't do what she's told she'll be sent home again. Clear boundaries are not difficult. She's 9!

I sincerely hope this is not the case, but is there anything to indicate she does not feel safe at home?