Who is being unreasonable? Holiday situation in a blended family

[OnlyInOne]

Perhaps not unreasonable as I can also see DHs point but more a WWYD?

I will try and keep it as short as possible.

I have one son with my husband who has another two DC from a previous relationship. Our son is 2 nearly 3, my DSC are 9 & 11.

My parents have asked if me DH and DS would like to go away with them this year, their treat to a nice destination. It would be outside of school holidays as understandably that's when my parents prefer to holiday!

We have never been abroad on holiday with any of the DC. DSC have been with their mother but never us (we have had holidays in the UK before with them).

So here's the dilemma, DH is obviously concerned about it seeming unfair if we take DS away without DSC. We can't afford it ourselves in the school holidays and I can't expect my parents to both change it to school holiday time and pay for two more people but of course, DSC likely wouldn't see it that way and I totally understand DHs concern.

Here is where I'm not sure who's unreasonable... I have then suggested that I go alone with DS and my parents and DH stays home with DSC. I do not want to pass up the opportunity of a holiday for DS, one that we couldn't afford ourselves, and yes for myself as well.

DH is understanding of this and said that's fine but he has also admitted he wishes I wouldn't go because he feels in a no win situation where he misses DS's first holiday and should be there but can't go because it's not fair on DSC. He is still okay with me going though, but I know it has upset him.

I have said if I do go, we should prioritise savings for a family holiday next year in the school holidays with everyone.

So... WWYD? Do I go still? I want to, but I don't know if I'm being unfair to DH.

YABU - you're being unfair to go without DH, none of you should go.

YANBU - you should go and not pass up the opportunity for DS to holiday with grandparents.

It’s a treat from your parents. Your step children have 2 sets of grandparents that are welcome to treat them.

If YOU booked a holiday and didn’t take your stepchildren that would be unreasonable.

Can't you ask their mother if it's ok to take them? Pay for them?

Your DH is being ridiculous.

Are you never going to be allowed to have a holiday abroad unless the stepchildren come with you - even though they go abroad with their mum?

Go, enjoy your holiday, it’s lovely and very generous of your parents, and let him wallow at home.

You've come up with a compromise. You, your DC and your parents missing out is just ridiculous.

YANBU to go away on your own with DS and your parents. Your step kids have two sets of parents to take them on holiday. If DH wants to take all his kids away then he can either pay for step kids to go with you and your parents, or he can organise and fund his own holiday with all his kids.

If the kids were more similar in age I'd be sympathetic, but YANBU

I’d go. To be honest your DH should go to. This is what happens when you split up with someone. Life can seem unfair but in this case it’s not you paying, it’s your parents. However if he feels that strongly then he should give you his blessings and just get on with it.

@Sexnotgender

It’s a treat from your parents. Your step children have 2 sets of grandparents that are welcome to treat them.

If YOU booked a holiday and didn’t take your stepchildren that would be unreasonable.

Just that.

@Thefrenchconnection1

Can't you ask their mother if it's ok to take them? Pay for them?

Ask their mother to pay for them? OP has said she can't afford to.

I think you and your dh and son should go , sc mum has taken them abroad

Your DSC get holidays with their mum that your DS doesn’t get + you’re not the ones paying. So YANBU

Such is life OP. Even in ‘unblended’ families kids don’t always get exactly the same treatment. I can recall weekends away with my mum, day trips with just me and dad, my brother going away on sports trips with my dad/ grandparents etc- they will learn to deal with it if things are overall “fair”, plus they have been abroad before & DS hasn’t. I think it might be your DH who is going to struggle with this going forward though, so might want to look at that.

Your parents are technically treating their child and grandchild. Your step kids presumably have two sets of grandparents who could treat them if they so wanted.

So is your H going to make sure your DC gets exactly the same as the SDC?
Every holiday, every outing, treats, presents?
He is being ridiculous

I'll go against the grain. Sorry but I wouldn't do this. My DSC are my family and I wouldn't want them thinking they're less important than my own child. If you can't all go together, I personally wouldn't go. I'd thank my parents for the kind offer but say that you're a family of however many and you'll holiday together or not at all.

Your Dh should go too. Should your ds be invited on all dsc holidays with their mum.

Will your DS be invited on holidays along with his half siblings by their mother or maternal grandparents? I think not.
You can’t be expected to spend your whole life not going on holiday. Book a cheapy trip to Butlins or a premier inn for all 3 kids to go somewhere for 2 nights in summer

What everyone else says so far.

In addition, you need to think hard about setting precedents here. If you set the precedent that you will not arrange a decent holiday unless you can pay for all three children to be with you, you may end up with you and your child never having a decent holiday while your DSC have good times away with their mum.

At 9 and 11 the DSCs are old enough to understand if you explain that they got a holiday abroad with their mum, your parents are paying for this trip, and you and DH will save up and take the DSCs somewhere nice next year*. If they don't understand or kick off, they're on the way to being spoiled brats already.

• Just make sure this does happen.

@Ginger1982

Your parents are technically treating their child and grandchild. Your step kids presumably have two sets of grandparents who could treat them if they so wanted.

This.

@Thefrenchconnection1

Can't you ask their mother if it's ok to take them? Pay for them?

Why should OP do this? These children are not her parents GC.... this is a present from GP to OP her DH and GS..... ridiculous suggestion

You should go!

I think you should go with or without your DH.

All go with your parents. They probably want to spend time with him too.

I have 3 dc, not blended family. They don't always get the same things.
One of mine has done a day trip abroad, one has never been abroad and one has been aboard 3 times.

Especially with the age gap, it won't be a case of just quietly adding two other children, it will be a case of changing the holiday round them, as they're too young to be left to do their own thing but will need some entertainment with you there.

He's being an arse.

They have been with their mother, he didn't get all floncy and insist on a foreign holiday for your son did he.

You're aiming for equity not equality - the reality is they will have (hopefully) lots of opportunities with their mum too. Given their age no reason they won't be able to understand that. I have DD6 and 3 older DSC we've never aimed for all of the kids on all holidays. The reality as PP says that won't always get the same...