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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable? Holiday situation in a blended family

210 replies

OnlyInOne · 17/01/2022 19:29

Perhaps not unreasonable as I can also see DHs point but more a WWYD?

I will try and keep it as short as possible.

I have one son with my husband who has another two DC from a previous relationship. Our son is 2 nearly 3, my DSC are 9 & 11.

My parents have asked if me DH and DS would like to go away with them this year, their treat to a nice destination. It would be outside of school holidays as understandably that's when my parents prefer to holiday!

We have never been abroad on holiday with any of the DC. DSC have been with their mother but never us (we have had holidays in the UK before with them).

So here's the dilemma, DH is obviously concerned about it seeming unfair if we take DS away without DSC. We can't afford it ourselves in the school holidays and I can't expect my parents to both change it to school holiday time and pay for two more people but of course, DSC likely wouldn't see it that way and I totally understand DHs concern.

Here is where I'm not sure who's unreasonable... I have then suggested that I go alone with DS and my parents and DH stays home with DSC. I do not want to pass up the opportunity of a holiday for DS, one that we couldn't afford ourselves, and yes for myself as well.

DH is understanding of this and said that's fine but he has also admitted he wishes I wouldn't go because he feels in a no win situation where he misses DS's first holiday and should be there but can't go because it's not fair on DSC. He is still okay with me going though, but I know it has upset him.

I have said if I do go, we should prioritise savings for a family holiday next year in the school holidays with everyone.

So... WWYD? Do I go still? I want to, but I don't know if I'm being unfair to DH.

YABU - you're being unfair to go without DH, none of you should go.

YANBU - you should go and not pass up the opportunity for DS to holiday with grandparents.

OP posts:
MondayTuesdayWednesday · 17/01/2022 19:51

Yes of course you should go.

I think your DH is being really selfish by trying to make you feel guilty about going without him. He’s only thinking of himself.

mineallmine · 17/01/2022 19:51

I think you should all go. It's lovely that your husband is trying to be fair to his other DC, but there's no reason why they should feel it unfair. They've been abroad before and it's a good idea to save for a holiday with all of the children next year. But there's no reason why your DC's grandparents shouldn't treat you to a holiday. Go and enjoy it!

Biker47 · 17/01/2022 19:52

Your child isn't going to be invited on holiday with their half siblings from either their mother, or (maternal) grandparents, so I don't see the problem. They (presumably) have 2 sets of grandparents to treat them, I don't see why they should get another set.

ittakes2 · 17/01/2022 20:01

I am normally one of those people that like to ensure step children are treated equally as biological children - but I don't see this as being one of those cases.
You mention your child spending time with your parents - I see this as you spending time with your parents and getting a much needed holiday. Your son being there is a bonus for them. I think the big difference is your son is not school age - makes sense to go before he starts school.
I think your husband is being a bit over the top - especially with guilting you to not spend time with your parents.

jimmyjammy001 · 17/01/2022 20:02

It's a tricky one because it's not your fault he's got children from a previous relationship which are restricting what you can and can't do with your child, but then on the other hand you knew he had got children when you decided to have a child together so should really be accommodating them all in your family life as well as they all come as a package.

RoyKentsChestHair · 17/01/2022 20:05

DH is understanding of this and said that's fine but he has also admitted he wishes I wouldn't go because he feels in a no win situation where he misses DS's first holiday and should be there but can't go because it's not fair on DSC.

Tough shit for your DH. He can’t have it all. That’s what happens when you have DCs with someone new, you loyalties will be torn. Surprised he didn’t think of that when he decided to have a child with you. (And yes, that may sound harsh, but given that step mums get told “that’s what happens when you get with a man who has DCs from a previous marriage” every day on here, I’m evening out the balance!)

It’s not fair on your DS - or you - to have to pass up an opportunity for a fun activity because his will miss out. That’s life in step families.

ClassicsBelle · 17/01/2022 20:06

I think your husband is being unreasonable. Your parents have the right to treat their daughter, son in law, and grandson to a holiday. Nothing wrong or inequitable with that.

Also your son is only 2, almost 3 you said so will be doing different types of activities anyway than older children would be.

RoyKentsChestHair · 17/01/2022 20:06

Ah there we go.. right above my post!

Keepitonthedownlow · 17/01/2022 20:06

@CrimbleCrumble1

I think you should go with or without your DH.
Agree
timeisnotaline · 17/01/2022 20:07

So he thinks it’s fine his child with you misses out on holidays with their siblings becasue it’s the non joint parent taking them, but it’s not fine his other children miss out on a holiday with their sibling because… it’s the non joint parent’s parents taking them? His choice not to go, but really he should go. Your child isn’t a second class citizen only permitted to have nice things when their siblings are there too.

saraclara · 17/01/2022 20:07

Your parents are paying because this is a treat for them. For your DH to put his kids before your parents is entirely unfair. They shouldn't lose out on a holiday with their DD and DGD because he happened to break up with his children's mother.

Iloveacurry · 17/01/2022 20:26

You should go with DS, with or without DH.

LethargicActress · 17/01/2022 20:30

It’s a difficult situation, but you should absolutely go. Your DH is doing the right thing by staying home and having some time with his older children, good on him. It’s understandably going to feel hard for him, but it’s just a sacrifice that comes with creating a blended family.

sassbott · 17/01/2022 20:31

Go. Your DH is being a whiny self involved man child. Going on holiday outside of school holidays Is the best part of having pre school children. Make the most of it!

Personally I wouldn’t want him there now. If he’s likely to sulk and/ or miss his other children the whole time, just get quality time with your parents.

BobbieMeserole · 17/01/2022 20:34

@RoyKentsChestHair

DH is understanding of this and said that's fine but he has also admitted he wishes I wouldn't go because he feels in a no win situation where he misses DS's first holiday and should be there but can't go because it's not fair on DSC.

Tough shit for your DH. He can’t have it all. That’s what happens when you have DCs with someone new, you loyalties will be torn. Surprised he didn’t think of that when he decided to have a child with you. (And yes, that may sound harsh, but given that step mums get told “that’s what happens when you get with a man who has DCs from a previous marriage” every day on here, I’m evening out the balance!)

It’s not fair on your DS - or you - to have to pass up an opportunity for a fun activity because his will miss out. That’s life in step families.

This! Fully agree
Goldbar · 17/01/2022 20:35

This is fine. It's your parents' holiday really and they're inviting you along. Not a family holiday without DSC.

Italiangreyhound · 17/01/2022 20:36

It's a treat paid for by your parents. Your dss have been abroad and had other holidays with their other patent.

I think your DH should go on holiday with you and son and your parents but if he really doesn't want to, then you go and enjoy this time.

Antssausagedog · 17/01/2022 20:39

I have a step child. When she was little we used to take her on holiday every other summer with us and our new child. My thought process was that she didn’t just have us to take her on holiday and that her mother had responsibility for her holidays too. My husband was happy to go along with this compromise and it worked well for us.

Santahasjoinedww · 17/01/2022 20:39

Imo your dh is on cf territory expecting someone not related to his dc to change their holiday plans to suit him. Ime the sooner you(him) accept you can't give ALL of your dc the life you had planned the better for all. My exh never let me take our dc anywhere.. I still took my younger ones away.. It was difficult but they needed a 'normal' fun childhood.

G5000 · 17/01/2022 20:40

It's a present from parents to their child and grandchild. Nothing to do with stepchildren. What happens if in 15 years, your parents want to give their grandchild a car, for example - will your DH say no because your stepkids won't get one?

JDaytona · 17/01/2022 20:40

So DH wants you and DS to miss out?

Fuck that. You should go, it's up to DH whether he comes or not. Your DS and you shouldn't have to miss out.

DSC have been abroad with their mum.

Gilly12345 · 17/01/2022 20:41

I would go with DS and your parents as it is a lovely gesture and save for a family holiday for everyone either later this year or for next year.

I don’t see why you and DS should miss out of this opportunity and time with your parents as your Hubby has baggage.

GettingItOutThere · 17/01/2022 20:42

your husband is being stupid. you should all go away minus step kids.

MellowBird85 · 17/01/2022 20:42

@jimmyjammy001

It's a tricky one because it's not your fault he's got children from a previous relationship which are restricting what you can and can't do with your child, but then on the other hand you knew he had got children when you decided to have a child together so should really be accommodating them all in your family life as well as they all come as a package.
Didn’t take long did it Hmm

In all honestly I’d be furious with my DH if he refused to come (in some kind of warped loyalty protest). I’d seriously be questioning my future with him if every holiday / treat / etc. ended up being a tit for tat palaver.

SlipperyLizard · 17/01/2022 20:43

All 3 of you should go, it is not “unfair” for your parents not to pay for DSC, it is just life.

My dad, stepmum and step sister went on all sorts of fancy holidays which we didn’t get invited on (plus step sis lived with my dad & had a much more luxurious lifestyle than us as a result). I’d say that wasn’t particularly fair, but it didn’t ruin my childhood.

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