Who is being unreasonable? Holiday situation in a blended family

[OnlyInOne]

Perhaps not unreasonable as I can also see DHs point but more a WWYD?

I will try and keep it as short as possible.

I have one son with my husband who has another two DC from a previous relationship. Our son is 2 nearly 3, my DSC are 9 & 11.

My parents have asked if me DH and DS would like to go away with them this year, their treat to a nice destination. It would be outside of school holidays as understandably that's when my parents prefer to holiday!

We have never been abroad on holiday with any of the DC. DSC have been with their mother but never us (we have had holidays in the UK before with them).

So here's the dilemma, DH is obviously concerned about it seeming unfair if we take DS away without DSC. We can't afford it ourselves in the school holidays and I can't expect my parents to both change it to school holiday time and pay for two more people but of course, DSC likely wouldn't see it that way and I totally understand DHs concern.

Here is where I'm not sure who's unreasonable... I have then suggested that I go alone with DS and my parents and DH stays home with DSC. I do not want to pass up the opportunity of a holiday for DS, one that we couldn't afford ourselves, and yes for myself as well.

DH is understanding of this and said that's fine but he has also admitted he wishes I wouldn't go because he feels in a no win situation where he misses DS's first holiday and should be there but can't go because it's not fair on DSC. He is still okay with me going though, but I know it has upset him.

I have said if I do go, we should prioritise savings for a family holiday next year in the school holidays with everyone.

So... WWYD? Do I go still? I want to, but I don't know if I'm being unfair to DH.

YABU - you're being unfair to go without DH, none of you should go.

YANBU - you should go and not pass up the opportunity for DS to holiday with grandparents.

Go with your parents and son.

I really hope you go on the holiday op! For all the reasons pp have made. It's lovely to be able to go away off peak, time with your parents and toddler will be so precious.

You should definitely go! I think your DH should go too.

People are missing the point talking about taking SDCs on this holiday. That’s not an option on the table and that’s not even what OP’s DH is advocating for. He’s not trying to do the fairest thing for the children involved, he’s wanting his youngest child to not get any holiday at all (with or without him) so that he doesn’t have to confront any uncomfortable feelings. I’d be really angry that he told you he feels like that, especially since it sounds like he knows he’s being ridiculous and unfair? But he thought he should just share anyway, since you as the nearest woman are of course a receptacle for his most unpalatable thoughts? No thanks. Why not have a good long think in your own head about whether you’re being a dickhead first, and then if you conclude that you are, try being not a dickhead instead?

DH, DS and you should go. Being a parent does not mean you have to take your child on every holiday. My DDs father goes away a few times a year but will take her camping another time. Maybe DH could take DSC away camping on his own later in the year so they get one on one time with him.

You and DS go. Your DH needs to make up his own mind.

Consider also that once your child starts school, you will no longer be able to have a holiday outside of school holidays. This opportunity is not likely to come up again.
Your husband should come with you.

@MiddleParking

People are missing the point talking about taking SDCs on this holiday. That’s not an option on the table and that’s not even what OP’s DH is advocating for. He’s not trying to do the fairest thing for the children involved, he’s wanting his youngest child to not get any holiday at all (with or without him) so that he doesn’t have to confront any uncomfortable feelings. I’d be really angry that he told you he feels like that, especially since it sounds like he knows he’s being ridiculous and unfair? But he thought he should just share anyway, since you as the nearest woman are of course a receptacle for his most unpalatable thoughts? No thanks. Why not have a good long think in your own head about whether you’re being a dickhead first, and then if you conclude that you are, try being not a dickhead instead?

This is it exactly.

Also, he’s asking you to deprive your parents of spending time with you and DS and the enjoyment of treating you.

Why should they miss out because he can’t deal with his dad guilt?

It's a present from your parents. Nothing to do with your other half. Leave him at home and go and have a lovely time.

I personally think your DH should stay at home on this occasion and make an effort to save to have a big family holiday next year.

I know it's an unpopular view on here, and that SC should just suck up their situation, but I think as much as possible your DH should treat the children the same - so he goes away with all (I appreciate not possible in this situation), or none of them. Or he goes away with you and your little one, then takes away his older ones on another occasion, just them? Is that an option?

He certainly shouldn't be guilt tripping you though, you should definitely go!

My sons have two younger half siblings (although we just say siblings) who live with my sons father and stepmother. The younger children often holiday without my sons and it’s never an issue. We, of course, go on holiday without the younger siblings so my sons are used to going on holiday without all of their siblings. They have step-siblings too.

Sometimes they all go on holiday together. More often than not, they don’t. I can’t stress how much of a non issue it is with my sons.

My WWYD is more because I feel bad for DH that he's missing out, not DSC.

Bluntly OP, that's not your problem to solve, it's his. You and DC absolutely shouldn't miss out on this holiday, and he shouldn't be trying to guilt you into not going to solve his problem for him. He has to decide this for himself. He'd rather not have to choose, but he doesn't get to duck out of that choice by removing your choice.

@MiddleParking

People are missing the point talking about taking SDCs on this holiday. That’s not an option on the table and that’s not even what OP’s DH is advocating for. He’s not trying to do the fairest thing for the children involved, he’s wanting his youngest child to not get any holiday at all (with or without him) so that he doesn’t have to confront any uncomfortable feelings. I’d be really angry that he told you he feels like that, especially since it sounds like he knows he’s being ridiculous and unfair? But he thought he should just share anyway, since you as the nearest woman are of course a receptacle for his most unpalatable thoughts? No thanks. Why not have a good long think in your own head about whether you’re being a dickhead first, and then if you conclude that you are, try being not a dickhead instead?

That was my reaction too.

He doesn't want to go, he doesn't want to not go.

Either way he's making it all about him (not the kids!) and spoiling what was a lovely offer.

I really think you should all go. But if your DH decides not to go, you and your DS should still go. Hope you do, and have a lovely time!

I always used to think that when parents separated and remarried, it was the 'first family' children who got the raw deal, ie they were left behind somehow in favour of the 'second family.' But actually its the other way round, so many 'second family ' children' get a raw deal because their father's can't see past the Dad guilt.

In this case, the father is happy for his 'first' children to holiday without the youngest child, but not other way round - ridiculous.

Divorced dad guilt ... I don't think it is fair or reasonable to miss on a lovely holiday because DH is feeling guilty - SC enjoy holidays with their mum, time for your son to enjoy a lovely family holiday abroad, and Dad should be part of it, it is important bonding time for the family. Nothing stops Dad from organising a special weekend with just him and the SC. It's about doing the best for all children, not bad compromises.

@MiddleParking

People are missing the point talking about taking SDCs on this holiday. That’s not an option on the table and that’s not even what OP’s DH is advocating for. He’s not trying to do the fairest thing for the children involved, he’s wanting his youngest child to not get any holiday at all (with or without him) so that he doesn’t have to confront any uncomfortable feelings. I’d be really angry that he told you he feels like that, especially since it sounds like he knows he’s being ridiculous and unfair? But he thought he should just share anyway, since you as the nearest woman are of course a receptacle for his most unpalatable thoughts? No thanks. Why not have a good long think in your own head about whether you’re being a dickhead first, and then if you conclude that you are, try being not a dickhead instead?

This may be my favourite piece of advice ever. @MiddleParking perfectly articulated why I think your DH is being unreasonable

Has he spoke to his older children about it yet? If he hasn't and is just projecting his guilt onto the situation in advance and assuming they'll feel upset, he isn't the one that should be talking to them about it as they'll pick up on his negative vibe and then they WILL feel upset. This situation requires some dressing up by their mum, if she's clever about it they won't even notice. It could possibly even be presented as a positive.

@MiddleParking exactly. The dad actually needs to address this all properly, instead of feeling guilty and / or your children missing out. As others have said they have their own mother and grandparents to do this kind of thing

It’s so true about the second family suffering often. You get dads paying maintenance that take very little account of their children with second wives/ partners, plus dad guilt on top which means first children are often showered with holidays and presents in a competitive parenting battle for affection. The children of the new family often end up on the raw end and mum picking up the slack. Op just go on the holiday. I holiday with my mum and my dc without dh and his kids. It’s nice for my mum to be able to be a granny and spoil my dc without having to worry about being fair to the step kids.

@DonnyBurrito

Has he spoke to his older children about it yet? If he hasn't and is just projecting his guilt onto the situation in advance and assuming they'll feel upset, he isn't the one that should be talking to them about it as they'll pick up on his negative vibe and then they WILL feel upset. This situation requires some dressing up by their mum, if she's clever about it they won't even notice. It could possibly even be presented as a positive.

Mum would never dress it up positively. In fact she's one of the reasons DH is worried about going because she'd likely kick off that he wasn't taking DSC.

@pizzaobsessed

I'll go against the grain. Sorry but I wouldn't do this. My DSC are my family and I wouldn't want them thinking they're less important than my own child. If you can't all go together, I personally wouldn't go. I'd thank my parents for the kind offer but say that you're a family of however many and you'll holiday together or not at all.

I agree. The SC going on holiday with their mother (and possibly her own SC?) does not make it OK to exclude them from a family holiday. If you and DH had three biological children, would it be OK to only invite one? No. They are the DH's biological children and together you're a family unit. Grandparents should consider step children as their grandchildren - this is how blended families work when there isn't prioritising. You could suggest saving up and going when you can afford to pay for the 'extra' tickets. I'd imagine it's very hard for DH, who is caught in the middle between his youngest and the other two.

But we are talking about two different family units, even though DH does have a foot in each camp?

Or should I say two different households?

Do the SC live there half the time, or EOW?