Who is being unreasonable? Holiday situation in a blended family

[OnlyInOne]

Perhaps not unreasonable as I can also see DHs point but more a WWYD?

I will try and keep it as short as possible.

I have one son with my husband who has another two DC from a previous relationship. Our son is 2 nearly 3, my DSC are 9 & 11.

My parents have asked if me DH and DS would like to go away with them this year, their treat to a nice destination. It would be outside of school holidays as understandably that's when my parents prefer to holiday!

We have never been abroad on holiday with any of the DC. DSC have been with their mother but never us (we have had holidays in the UK before with them).

So here's the dilemma, DH is obviously concerned about it seeming unfair if we take DS away without DSC. We can't afford it ourselves in the school holidays and I can't expect my parents to both change it to school holiday time and pay for two more people but of course, DSC likely wouldn't see it that way and I totally understand DHs concern.

Here is where I'm not sure who's unreasonable... I have then suggested that I go alone with DS and my parents and DH stays home with DSC. I do not want to pass up the opportunity of a holiday for DS, one that we couldn't afford ourselves, and yes for myself as well.

DH is understanding of this and said that's fine but he has also admitted he wishes I wouldn't go because he feels in a no win situation where he misses DS's first holiday and should be there but can't go because it's not fair on DSC. He is still okay with me going though, but I know it has upset him.

I have said if I do go, we should prioritise savings for a family holiday next year in the school holidays with everyone.

So... WWYD? Do I go still? I want to, but I don't know if I'm being unfair to DH.

YABU - you're being unfair to go without DH, none of you should go.

YANBU - you should go and not pass up the opportunity for DS to holiday with grandparents.

I think you dh and dc should go. As pp have said dsc have their mother and grandparents to go away with

It does, however, affect the children themselves, in that IF they don't get a holiday this year, and their younger half-sibling gets to go away with Daddy without them, they will be hurt, and rightly so.

It's not just about the adults parcelling things out and declaring "that's fair". The children's perception matters as well.

I think you'd need to ask yourself what would you say if you had 2 children from a previous relationship and your partners parents were offering to only take your 2 year old abroad? Would you be happy if DP went on his own? Even play around with the idea of whether that feeling changes whether or not your 2 previous actually predominantly live with your ex. Just some food for thought

It’s sad how many people have so little regard for the feelings of the older children.

Presumably the DH is hesitant to go because he feels it would be unfair the older children, and they would feel it was unfair too. You can try and justify why he should go on holiday with only one out of his three children, but none of those made up reasons would stop two children feeling like they’re being left behind. Especially if it meant any change to their normal 50/50 contact, which it might well do by a day at least if the holiday is a week long.

It is irrelevant that the step children have been on holiday with their dad before, because no one had to watch their dad go on holiday with their sibling but not them. Same for the ridiculous point that the older children’s mum doesn’t take OPs child on holiday, or that they could go on holiday with their own grandparents. There is a big difference between those situations, because no parent is going on holiday with one of their children and not the others.

Of course her dh wants to bring his 2 older children as he's obviously a good father

I don't get the dilemma. Of course you, ds and dh should go on holiday. Dsc have been abroad with mum, and will presumably get a whole lot of things from Mum and Mum's side of the family over the years, none of which your dc will get. It's not going to be fair. So it goes.

Your dh's attitude is actively hostile to the child he has with you. Your child should not miss out on a holiday with Dad.

Yes, of course it would be different if YOU had planned the holiday. But this is a present to you and your son and your dh. Take it.

I think this is fine because it's paid for by the GPs - if you were suggesting that you paid for just the three of you I think that would be a bit shitty but in this case I think it's quite reasonable and if he chooses not to go you absolutely should go anyway

@flippertyop

I think this is fine because it's paid for by the GPs - if you were suggesting that you paid for just the three of you I think that would be a bit shitty but in this case I think it's quite reasonable and if he chooses not to go you absolutely should go anyway

The snag is that it won't mean a damn thing to the older children - they won't be thinking about who paid for it, they will just see their father going on holiday with their sibling and leaving them behind.

This is the rub with blended families. When it comes down to it, OP and her parents and everyone except her DH can, and will, eventually shrug and say "well, tough." He will of course be unable to do that, what with them being his children.

i think hes being an arse-its not a family hoiliday youorganised its your parents inviting you to theirs

also the dsc have holidays with their mother do you think anyone thinks oh we better not go because their half sibling isnt here

Yes I completely agree you should go. Your DH should too. Have a great holiday.

@Hollywolly1

Of course her dh wants to bring his 2 older children as he's obviously a good father

Did you read the thread? Op's parents are paying. It's outside of term time so bringing his other two kids isn't an option... as it would mean the entire party having to pay school holiday prices for their break.

Are you saying if op's husband doesn't bring his other two kids, that he isn't a good father?!

Sometimes I feel like I live in a parallel universe where the very essence of sensibility and being reasonable has evaporated. His other kids will be at school during the day, with their mother in the evenings, and the op and her husband will put money towards a family holiday next year. In the meantime, the sc will probably have another holiday abroad with their mother.

Give your head a little wobble.

@LethargicActress

It’s sad how many people have so little regard for the feelings of the older children.

Presumably the DH is hesitant to go because he feels it would be unfair the older children, and they would feel it was unfair too. You can try and justify why he should go on holiday with only one out of his three children, but none of those made up reasons would stop two children feeling like they’re being left behind. Especially if it meant any change to their normal 50/50 contact, which it might well do by a day at least if the holiday is a week long.

It is irrelevant that the step children have been on holiday with their dad before, because no one had to watch their dad go on holiday with their sibling but not them. Same for the ridiculous point that the older children’s mum doesn’t take OPs child on holiday, or that they could go on holiday with their own grandparents. There is a big difference between those situations, because no parent is going on holiday with one of their children and not the others.

Presumably they don't think it's unfair on their half sibling when they go on holiday with their mum and half sibling goes nowhere?

Swings and roundabouts.

Given you have your SDC week on week off would the holiday interfere with this schedule?

If so I would agree your DH staying hime is the fairest course.

@LethargicActress @sadpapercourtesan projecting much? For all you know the older kids won’t feel left behind or disadvantaged.
I’d hope the OP, her DH and all three kids will have time away together in the school
Holidays.
If her DH wants to cut off his nose to spite his face fine. His choice.

Apart from anything else, why is it fair to impose 2 (unrelated to them) children on your parents during their holiday? Your DSC aren't old enough to be left unsupervised and I can imagine the holiday will end up revolving around what they want to do, or can do. If the facilites at your parent's chosen destination aren't right for your DSC, it might even mean that your parents don't get to go somewhere they want, . A two year old is much more portable and easier to entertain. I imagine tht your parents are looking forward to spending time with you, your DH and their grandchild and that's the point of their offer. Like PP have said you DH is being overly sensitive and isn't considering everyone ( you and your DC) equally.

Projecting what?

Not everybody who see things differently from you is projecting. That's a rather dim assumption.

The DSC going away with their mother is completely different, as other posters have patiently explained, because nobody is watching their parent take a sibling on holiday and leave them behind.

If I were him I’d speak to your step children first and explain the situation, with a sweetener, a promise of something they’d like to do like a trip out somewhere with dad. And then he should talk to their mum. That way everyone is aware that it’s a treat from your sons grandparents while you can still do term time.

How long would it be for? Can you go away without impacting on the step kids time with you?

Well they do have a mother who can take them and you mention that she HAS taken them. I don’t really see a problem here. The people treating you are going at a time when the DSC can’t attend the holiday anyway, otherwise I’m sure you would have paid for them to come.

You, DH and your DS should go on this holiday and be happy and grateful to your generous parents.
Kids in non blended families don't always get exactly the same things either.
DH and I have been away together/with our DD/with our SC (his older children). The SC have had some brilliant holidays with their Mum and sometimes their Mum went on holiday without them.
Your DH needs to have a think about this. The kids are growing up in different ways and will not have identical lives and experiences. Fair is not necessarily having exactly the same.

@sadpapercourtesan

Projecting what?

Not everybody who see things differently from you is projecting. That's a rather dim assumption.

The DSC going away with their mother is completely different, as other posters have patiently explained, because nobody is watching their parent take a sibling on holiday and leave them behind.

Ah right, so the SDC are allowed nice things regardless of the DC, but the DC cannot have anything the SDC can't. Ah, equality!

It's like the youngest DC isn't even a real person sometimes.

I can see both sides to this and it’s tough, but regardless of whether DH goes, I would start being proactive about a family holiday next year, looking at holidays, putting together a budget and savings plan, a separate pot so that it actually happens and you can discuss future plans with the DC.

Agree that you should go.

Could DH spin it that it's your parents treat and they can't go because they are at school, but he will take them on a special trip just the three of them?

Doesn't have to be as expensive per head as a family holiday and obviously 3 people are cheaper than if you and joint DC also went. Maybe an adventure camping holiday?

@LethargicActress

It’s sad how many people have so little regard for the feelings of the older children.

Presumably the DH is hesitant to go because he feels it would be unfair the older children, and they would feel it was unfair too. You can try and justify why he should go on holiday with only one out of his three children, but none of those made up reasons would stop two children feeling like they’re being left behind. Especially if it meant any change to their normal 50/50 contact, which it might well do by a day at least if the holiday is a week long.

It is irrelevant that the step children have been on holiday with their dad before, because no one had to watch their dad go on holiday with their sibling but not them. Same for the ridiculous point that the older children’s mum doesn’t take OPs child on holiday, or that they could go on holiday with their own grandparents. There is a big difference between those situations, because no parent is going on holiday with one of their children and not the others.

I'm no expert but I would imagine children whose parents go on to have other children start to feel left behind from that point forward never mind when it comes to high days and holidays

@SecretKeeper1

If I were him I’d speak to your step children first and explain the situation, with a sweetener, a promise of something they’d like to do like a trip out somewhere with dad. And then he should talk to their mum. That way everyone is aware that it’s a treat from your sons grandparents while you can still do term time.

How long would it be for? Can you go away without impacting on the step kids time with you?

I think this is good advice. So much of managing a blended family is good communication.