Who is being unreasonable? Holiday situation in a blended family

[OnlyInOne]

Perhaps not unreasonable as I can also see DHs point but more a WWYD?

I will try and keep it as short as possible.

I have one son with my husband who has another two DC from a previous relationship. Our son is 2 nearly 3, my DSC are 9 & 11.

My parents have asked if me DH and DS would like to go away with them this year, their treat to a nice destination. It would be outside of school holidays as understandably that's when my parents prefer to holiday!

We have never been abroad on holiday with any of the DC. DSC have been with their mother but never us (we have had holidays in the UK before with them).

So here's the dilemma, DH is obviously concerned about it seeming unfair if we take DS away without DSC. We can't afford it ourselves in the school holidays and I can't expect my parents to both change it to school holiday time and pay for two more people but of course, DSC likely wouldn't see it that way and I totally understand DHs concern.

Here is where I'm not sure who's unreasonable... I have then suggested that I go alone with DS and my parents and DH stays home with DSC. I do not want to pass up the opportunity of a holiday for DS, one that we couldn't afford ourselves, and yes for myself as well.

DH is understanding of this and said that's fine but he has also admitted he wishes I wouldn't go because he feels in a no win situation where he misses DS's first holiday and should be there but can't go because it's not fair on DSC. He is still okay with me going though, but I know it has upset him.

I have said if I do go, we should prioritise savings for a family holiday next year in the school holidays with everyone.

So... WWYD? Do I go still? I want to, but I don't know if I'm being unfair to DH.

YABU - you're being unfair to go without DH, none of you should go.

YANBU - you should go and not pass up the opportunity for DS to holiday with grandparents.

@timeisnotaline

So he thinks it’s fine his child with you misses out on holidays with their siblings becasue it’s the non joint parent taking them, but it’s not fine his other children miss out on a holiday with their sibling because… it’s the non joint parent’s parents taking them? His choice not to go, but really he should go. Your child isn’t a second class citizen only permitted to have nice things when their siblings are there too.

I agree. You should definitely go. DSC have already been abroad with their other parent. Your DH is being ridiculous.

Do the stepkids other grandparents buy your son exactly the same presents that they give the stepkids? Your husband is being precious.

100% go.

@TYTY4

I’d go. To be honest your DH should go to. This is what happens when you split up with someone. Life can seem unfair but in this case it’s not you paying, it’s your parents. However if he feels that strongly then he should give you his blessings and just get on with it.

Agree with this 100%.

I can understand your DH’s POV.

I think you and DS should definitely go. DH is misguided. His other DC will have holidays without him, he can have holidays without them, especially when he is being treated rather than paying for it himself. Why should your DS miss out on having his Daddy share his first holiday?

What happens if in 15 years, your parents want to give their grandchild a car, for example - will your DH say no because your stepkids won't get one?

This.

This is about grandparents going on holiday and inviting their daughter, son in law and grandchild, because they'd like their company and they're generous enough to fund that.
The stepchildren (who are a lot older than their DGC) are quite simply not a factor in this. They've had a foreign holiday with their mum. Now it's your DC's turn to go on holiday with his parents and GOs. The SCs have their own grandparents.

Thank you all.

Just to clarify my husband isn't expecting my parents to change their plans to fit around DSC, there's no question of them coming on this holiday, my parents being asked to pay or asking to change the holiday to the school holidays to accommodate DSC.

I think he just feels a bit stuck, he'd love to come and experience DS's first holiday but feels like he can't because he'd feel too guilty not going with DSC.

I do not like a PPs suggestion that "we all go or none because we're a family" idea. That just means DSC get nice holidays with their Mum and my son gets none. I understand DHs reservations but to me, going alone wit DS and my parents is absolutely no different to DSC and their Mum going away which they do.

My WWYD is more because I feel bad for DH that he's missing out, not DSC.

@jimmyjammy001

It's a tricky one because it's not your fault he's got children from a previous relationship which are restricting what you can and can't do with your child, but then on the other hand you knew he had got children when you decided to have a child together so should really be accommodating them all in your family life as well as they all come as a package.

And the cliched bingo has started!

OP, just go on the holiday. Your partner is being lame. Come if he wants to, stay at home if he feels aggrieved. He can order dominos and lick his wounds whilst being precious. But hopefully without guilt tripping you.

I'd be gone in a heart beat. Scrolling through the replies to my thread with one hand while sipping my airport pint with the other, that's how fast I would pack and be gone. Go! Enjoy!

Don’t let your DH make you feel guilty, that’s not fair. He’s right to not go if he feels that his DC would be hurt by him going without them, but he doesn’t get to complain about a situation of his own creation. Ask him what he wants from duty free and tell him to suck it up.

Of course you should go. DSC are older and can’t take advantage of cheap term time holidays.
DH should join you and enjoy it.
You can still all do a family holiday, treat this one as an extra.

Are DSC never allowed to do anything with their mother’s family either? Ridiculous!

I’m from a large family. We only started going abroad when my elder siblings grew up/moved out as it’s when my parents could afford it.
Technically it could be seen unfair but it’s just the way it was. Nothing is ever totally equal.

I’m all for you not going abroad of SC can’t go, if they also don’t go on holiday with their mum. It’s nonsense. Nothing will ever be equal.

I would go. I understand you don’t want your husband to miss out but it’s his own decision. I agree with everything previous posters have said.

I don't understand people saying it's not fair that you and your ds miss out on a trip because your DSC have to miss out.

If, in a non-blended family grandparents were willing to pay for a holiday for one child only, everyone would be saying it's not fair to favour one child like that - it's all or none, not focusing on those who had been favoured missing out on the opportunity.
Note, I'm not saying that the gps in this situation are unfairly favouring one child - obviously it's different for their grandchild Vs step-grandchildren, but that, I think the argument focusing on you and your ds is misleading.

If this were an every day trip I'd say you were being reasonable, BUT this is your ds's first trip abroad and a special one off trip for the rest of you, I think it would be unreasonable to exclude your DSC from such a trip.

If you can't afford the extra to pay for your DSC to join you/ go in the holidays I think you should decline, save up and go another year when you can afford to have everyone go.

Yanbu…go!

Dh should go & just bring back a nice gift for dc. It won't always be possible to treat them all the same.

Also I'd buy the gift at home first so I didn't have to worry on hols & just get a wee keyring or something while away

@OnlyInOne.

I didn't vote because neither option was how I feel!

DH is being unreasonable.

He decided to have a child with you. He can't 'shortchange your child together because he has other children. The children cannot be treat equally all the time because they ALSO have mothers & maternal families. His older children have been on holidays, his older children get things from their mum & her family, just as your child can get things from you and your family.

You DS & DS ARE being treat by YOUR parents. You haven't saved DH's wages and chosen not to take his other children, it's completely different . Does he presume to tell his ex inlaws & his ex that they can't do anything without your DS?

Holiday aside... you don't have to treat children the same, to treat them fairly!

There are going to be all kinds of things that come up over the years. Is DH not going be a dad to your DS because he can't do the same thing with his older children? Is he not going to take DS to swimming lessons or football - because he can't take all 3 kids?

I don't feel like I'm explaining it well, but he needs to be fair to all the kids, but fair doesn't mean identical - but doing your best for them all.

@StrawberryFever

I don't understand people saying it's not fair that you and your ds miss out on a trip because your DSC have to miss out.

If, in a non-blended family grandparents were willing to pay for a holiday for one child only, everyone would be saying it's not fair to favour one child like that - it's all or none, not focusing on those who had been favoured missing out on the opportunity.
Note, I'm not saying that the gps in this situation are unfairly favouring one child - obviously it's different for their grandchild Vs step-grandchildren, but that, I think the argument focusing on you and your ds is misleading.

If this were an every day trip I'd say you were being reasonable, BUT this is your ds's first trip abroad and a special one off trip for the rest of you, I think it would be unreasonable to exclude your DSC from such a trip.

If you can't afford the extra to pay for your DSC to join you/ go in the holidays I think you should decline, save up and go another year when you can afford to have everyone go.

Nope, couldn't disagree more.

I think it would be unreasonable to exclude your DSC from such a trip

It's not really my trip to exclude or include anyone on though. It's my parents holiday which we have been invited on. I can't turn around and insist they include DSC.

Plus DH isn't upset about that, he agrees it's not for my parents to take DSC away.

How often do you see your stepchildren? Would they even know you're gone? If not then it's a no brainer for me.
If it means they miss out on normal contact time then I'm not sure, I think DH would have to stay.

Is it possible he doesn’t fancy the idea of a blended holiday and the DSC are being used as an excuse ?

@tanstaafl

Is it possible he doesn’t fancy the idea of a blended holiday and the DSC are being used as an excuse ?

No he seems genuinely upset about it/ not sure what to do.

When DSC went on holiday with their mum, did they feel sorry that your DS couldn’t go?
Your DH should do with you, DS and your parents because it’ll be within the school term.
If he definitely doesn’t want to go, he should keep his guilt inside his head and leave you to go and enjoy your holiday abroad!

@6464zz

How often do you see your stepchildren? Would they even know you're gone? If not then it's a no brainer for me. If it means they miss out on normal contact time then I'm not sure, I think DH would have to stay.

50% one week on one week off.

I think he just feels a bit stuck, he'd love to come and experience DS's first holiday but feels like he can't because he'd feel too guilty not going with DSC

Well, he's being daft. Tell him
If his ex's parents offer to take him in holiday, all expenses paid, with his older DC he's welcome to go.

He can't opt out if DS's life because he can't do exactly the same thing with his older children!