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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is being unreasonable? Holiday situation in a blended family

210 replies

OnlyInOne · 17/01/2022 19:29

Perhaps not unreasonable as I can also see DHs point but more a WWYD?

I will try and keep it as short as possible.

I have one son with my husband who has another two DC from a previous relationship. Our son is 2 nearly 3, my DSC are 9 & 11.

My parents have asked if me DH and DS would like to go away with them this year, their treat to a nice destination. It would be outside of school holidays as understandably that's when my parents prefer to holiday!

We have never been abroad on holiday with any of the DC. DSC have been with their mother but never us (we have had holidays in the UK before with them).

So here's the dilemma, DH is obviously concerned about it seeming unfair if we take DS away without DSC. We can't afford it ourselves in the school holidays and I can't expect my parents to both change it to school holiday time and pay for two more people but of course, DSC likely wouldn't see it that way and I totally understand DHs concern.

Here is where I'm not sure who's unreasonable... I have then suggested that I go alone with DS and my parents and DH stays home with DSC. I do not want to pass up the opportunity of a holiday for DS, one that we couldn't afford ourselves, and yes for myself as well.

DH is understanding of this and said that's fine but he has also admitted he wishes I wouldn't go because he feels in a no win situation where he misses DS's first holiday and should be there but can't go because it's not fair on DSC. He is still okay with me going though, but I know it has upset him.

I have said if I do go, we should prioritise savings for a family holiday next year in the school holidays with everyone.

So... WWYD? Do I go still? I want to, but I don't know if I'm being unfair to DH.

YABU - you're being unfair to go without DH, none of you should go.

YANBU - you should go and not pass up the opportunity for DS to holiday with grandparents.

OP posts:

CharityDingle · 17/01/2022 22:14

@dopenguinsdance

Apart from anything else, why is it fair to impose 2 (unrelated to them) children on your parents during their holiday? Your DSC aren't old enough to be left unsupervised and I can imagine the holiday will end up revolving around what they want to do, or can do. If the facilites at your parent's chosen destination aren't right for your DSC, it might even mean that your parents don't get to go somewhere they want, . A two year old is much more portable and easier to entertain. I imagine tht your parents are looking forward to spending time with you, your DH and their grandchild and that's the point of their offer. Like PP have said you DH is being overly sensitive and isn't considering everyone ( you and your DC) equally.

+1 to this.

OP, go go go!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/01/2022 22:16

I think your DH is being ridiculous, and when he says it’s a “no win” he’s only looking at it from his own POV.

You should absolutely go OP. No sense in you missing out on a paid for holiday.

I can see the sense in your DH not coming because he probably doesn’t have limitless annual leave (who does?) and probably shouldn’t be using it up in term time rather than in the holidays when he can be around all of his DC (albeit not abroad).

I think it’s best that just you and DS go. It wouldn’t be the end of the world if he went without his older DC (your SDC)) in that yes they have other holidays, except for the limited annual leave point imo.

BitcherOfBlakiven · 17/01/2022 22:16

I fucking hate this.

Why should your DC miss out on his DGPs taking him abroad? No. They’re doing nothing wrong, and neither are you.

Go on the holiday.

DH can do as he wishes but don’t let him put all his Dad guilt on you.

Whyisitsodifficult · 17/01/2022 22:17

Surely if the holiday is in term time his kids will be in school? He should go it’s not fair on you or your child by not going.

gah2teenagers · 17/01/2022 22:17

He was the one who moved on with a 2nd family he needs to get over himself telling you what to do. Go and enjoy yourselves.

ImFree2doasiwant · 17/01/2022 22:19

You should go and he should go with you. What happens if DSC go abroad with their mother?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/01/2022 22:20

Just to clarify - I don’t think he’s being ridiculous in not wanting to go himself - I think he’s right there.

I think he’s being ridiculous in suggesting that you and Ds not go, or that “missing out on his first holiday” in any way matters or is a thing.

jelly79 · 17/01/2022 22:24

I think you go on the holiday with DS

Your DH has 4 choices

pay for them to go if appropriate timing / can take out of school
take them somewhere separate that's affordable on his own
not go anywhere
explain It to them and go with you

All reasonable. You not going isn't reasonable

saraclara · 17/01/2022 22:25

@gah2teenagers

He was the one who moved on with a 2nd family he needs to get over himself telling you what to do. Go and enjoy yourselves.

Yep.

Also why should his child with you not get to have his dad with him on holiday? That's not being fair.
You DH needs to recognise that there is no way his children with two different women can always be treated the same. It's just impossible..they have different homes and different lives.

There is no way to live a normal life if he's going to refuse to do things if they don't satisfy all three children. For starterd they're very different ages. They're not going to expect to do the same things..

saraclara · 17/01/2022 22:27

Oh, and preventing you and your DC from doing things because HE would miss out (due only to his misplaced guilt) will one day ruin your relationship. Because he is setting up a pattern which will cause huge resentment. Between him and you, him and his child with you, and him and your parents.

Allycott · 17/01/2022 22:28

Enjoy a holiday outside of term time while you can! Once your child is 5 you'll be be paying over the odds for EVERY holiday. You have one child and your husband had three - he has to treat them equally but that's not your problem. Sorry but shouldn't the DSC mom be sorting this and not you?

eldora · 17/01/2022 22:43

Your DH is being an idiot and cutting off his nose to spite his face.

The DSC have been away with their mum, he can go away with you all.

SurferBoy02 · 17/01/2022 22:48

Could you ask your parents to lend you and your husband the money to take your stepchildren, and speak to their mother about taking them away during term time?

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 17/01/2022 22:48

@SurferBoy02

Could you ask your parents to lend you and your husband the money to take your stepchildren, and speak to their mother about taking them away during term time?

Why on earth would they do that?

Crayzeefrog · 17/01/2022 22:51

I have a similar set up and age gap. I suspect many of the posters on this thread don’t.

My parents wouldn’t even think of leaving my step children out of such an offer. I wouldn’t want to go without them. We would rather have a few days in a local campsite all together than have some children be excluded. We are a family of 5 not a family of 3 with a couple of optional add-ons

CatherinedeBourgh · 17/01/2022 22:52

You should both go.

I’m from a deeply blended family but the one thing that doesn’t blend is gps! As a step child it would never have occurred to me that I would be included in anything relating to my half siblings’ other gps. But obviously I understood that they were my parents’ inlaws, so they would do things together, just nothing to do with me.

SurferBoy02 · 17/01/2022 22:53

Have your parents said that your stepchildren would we welcome but that you would need to pay for them yourselves, or has it not been mentioned at all as far as they're concerned?

Original poster

OnlyInOne · 17/01/2022 22:59

@SurferBoy02

Have your parents said that your stepchildren would we welcome but that you would need to pay for them yourselves, or has it not been mentioned at all as far as they're concerned?

My parents haven't mentioned my SC at all. They don't have a close relationship just because they rarely see each other so I doubt it would cross their mind to invite them nor would they be particularly keen. As PPs say, it would change the dynamic of their holiday too much I think. They are very close to DS though and just want to spend this time with him.

I don't see anything wrong with that personally (and neither does DH).

OP posts:

Original poster

OnlyInOne · 17/01/2022 23:00

@Crayzeefrog

I have a similar set up and age gap. I suspect many of the posters on this thread don’t.

That's great but it's not the offer my parents have made. The offer is for me, DH and DS.

OP posts:

moanymyrtle · 17/01/2022 23:01

You are over thinking it. Kids that age dont care about fancy holidays. Borrow a tent and get your DH to take them camping as their treat. If thats your thing go, if a toddler in a tent isnt then let them go without you. It doesnt need to cost much to make them feel they are also getting a special holiday. Or he could take them to theme park as their treat as thats age appropriate for them but not your DC. Look at youth hostels, camping pods etc. You dont have to spend much on a holiday. They wont be fussed about foreign holidays until they are teenagers (and then they will spend the whole time in the hotel room on their screens).

Emerald5hamrock · 17/01/2022 23:01

The three of you should go, bring back nice gifts.
It's a one off holiday, you're entitled to some fun without the DSC, it's off season, DSC have been abroad before, there'll always be separate occasions when DSC are with DM, you cannot deny the 3rd DC treats in the future if DSC aren't available to be included.

SparklingXmas · 17/01/2022 23:06

@Crayzeefrog

I have a similar set up and age gap. I suspect many of the posters on this thread don’t.

This is also our set up and exactly the same both grandparents( mum on each side) has never excluded the other children and we are a family of 5, not 3 when it comes to holidays, birthday stuff etc grandparents see the kids around 6 times a year- 200 miles each way, I guess we are just lucky.

saraclara · 17/01/2022 23:08

@moanymyrtle

IT'S NOT OP'S HOLIDAY! iT'S HER PARENTS' HOLIDAY THAT SHE'S BEEN INVITED ON!

Sorry to shout but you're repeatedly not getting it. OP's parents get to choose their own holiday. They do NOT have to consider step-grandchildren that can't come anyway because they're in school. And assuming they're not young, why the hell should they consider camping instead of a comfortable holiday, for the sake of a couple of kids who have their own sets of grandparents?

saraclara · 17/01/2022 23:10

oops. Sorry @moanymyrtle. I thought your post was by @Crayzeefrog who keeps going on about the GPs going camping instead of this holiday.

Totalwasteofpaper · 17/01/2022 23:11

i have then suggested that I go alone with DS and my parents and DH stays home with DSC.

Completely reasonable.

Your DH makes his choice and it comes with its own consequences… he can come or not it’s on him.

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