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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable? Holiday situation in a blended family

210 replies

OnlyInOne · 17/01/2022 19:29

Perhaps not unreasonable as I can also see DHs point but more a WWYD?

I will try and keep it as short as possible.

I have one son with my husband who has another two DC from a previous relationship. Our son is 2 nearly 3, my DSC are 9 & 11.

My parents have asked if me DH and DS would like to go away with them this year, their treat to a nice destination. It would be outside of school holidays as understandably that's when my parents prefer to holiday!

We have never been abroad on holiday with any of the DC. DSC have been with their mother but never us (we have had holidays in the UK before with them).

So here's the dilemma, DH is obviously concerned about it seeming unfair if we take DS away without DSC. We can't afford it ourselves in the school holidays and I can't expect my parents to both change it to school holiday time and pay for two more people but of course, DSC likely wouldn't see it that way and I totally understand DHs concern.

Here is where I'm not sure who's unreasonable... I have then suggested that I go alone with DS and my parents and DH stays home with DSC. I do not want to pass up the opportunity of a holiday for DS, one that we couldn't afford ourselves, and yes for myself as well.

DH is understanding of this and said that's fine but he has also admitted he wishes I wouldn't go because he feels in a no win situation where he misses DS's first holiday and should be there but can't go because it's not fair on DSC. He is still okay with me going though, but I know it has upset him.

I have said if I do go, we should prioritise savings for a family holiday next year in the school holidays with everyone.

So... WWYD? Do I go still? I want to, but I don't know if I'm being unfair to DH.

YABU - you're being unfair to go without DH, none of you should go.

YANBU - you should go and not pass up the opportunity for DS to holiday with grandparents.

OP posts:
WafflesnBlueberries · 18/01/2022 15:40

@DisforDarkChocolate

He's being an arse.

They have been with their mother, he didn't get all floncy and insist on a foreign holiday for your son did he.

That's a tad harsh.

He's feeling guilty and worrying about unequal treatment - that's often the sign of a good caring parent. The whole point of being a parent is to feel constant guilt about what you've done or haven't done with / for the children. Blended families turn this up a notch.

However he should still get over it, and go on holiday with you, your son and your parents (if he can tolerate the in-laws that long).

I've been in his position (pre pandemic) and my MIL has taken DS2 (age 3?), my wife and me on holiday. Yes I felt a tad guilty but DS1 and DD (age 8 at the time) have been abroad with their mum and they were fine about it.

I can't remember if I swapped time with my ex, or if my parents covered one night while I was away.

Electriq · 18/01/2022 16:01

I understand your husbands concerns, but where does it stop if he is going to think like this all the time?

They are his children yes, but at what point does DS start to miss out because he worries about his children missing out, when they are also doing this with their mother.

MsAnnFrope · 18/01/2022 16:01

Hmmmm from your last reply @OnlyInOne this is a possible ExW problem your DH has.
My DH ex was previous guaranteed to spin anything to make it sound like he didn’t care. With time this has improved but he really was a pushover and anything for a quiet life even if it negatively effected DD. This made our relationship quite tricky for a while although things are much better now the kids are older. I even have a good relationship with DSC mum now!

Original poster
OnlyInOne · 18/01/2022 16:04

@AubadeIsIt

Do the SC live there half the time, or EOW?
Half the time.

I don't agree that my parents should see SC as their grandchildren. They don't have that kind of relationship and that's fair enough. SC have their own GPs who they are close to.

OP posts:
ChiefStockingStuffer · 18/01/2022 16:13

I agree; they are not your parents' grandchildren.

I hope you're going . There is zero reason not to.

Harlequin1088 · 18/01/2022 16:15

You, your husband and your son should go on the holiday with your parents and not give it another thought. Your parents are very generous to offer to pay for the three of you to go and, without being morbid, how many more opportunities will you have to spend holidays with your son and his grandparents? If the pandemic has taught us anything it’s that life is too short and loved ones can be here today but gone tomorrow. Go on the holiday and enjoy yourselves.

Your stepkids get holidays abroad with their mother. I can’t imagine she’s losing sleep about your son missing out on holidays with her and her family, is she? Your son shouldn’t be forced to miss out on life just because he had the misfortune of being born third!

Booboobadoo · 18/01/2022 16:16

DH wants to prevent your DC from going on holiday - this is awful! No one gains from this situation except him feeling less guilty. I'd have a serious chat about how to deal with these situations or you and your DC will continue to lose out. It's like a race to the bottom - if we can't all share every single experience, then no-one will have any (except SDCs who get to have holidays with their mum).

Original poster
OnlyInOne · 18/01/2022 16:45

@ChiefStockingStuffer

I agree; they are not your parents' grandchildren.

I hope you're going . There is zero reason not to.

Yes it was booked this afternoon Smile
OP posts:
Biker47 · 18/01/2022 16:46

Mum would never dress it up positively. In fact she's one of the reasons DH is worried about going because she'd likely kick off that he wasn't taking DSC.

Was going to come back to suggest this, especially if the holiday is the same week he's due to have the kids.

Original poster
OnlyInOne · 18/01/2022 16:48

@Biker47

Mum would never dress it up positively. In fact she's one of the reasons DH is worried about going because she'd likely kick off that he wasn't taking DSC.

Was going to come back to suggest this, especially if the holiday is the same week he's due to have the kids.

It wouldn't matter if it was the week we weren't supposed to have them. If she caught wind of us going on holiday without the DSC she wouldn't be happy.
OP posts:
Original poster
OnlyInOne · 18/01/2022 16:49

I gave up a long time ago worrying about what she gets annoyed about and what she doesn't so it wouldn't personally bother me if she wasn't happy about it but I understand DH worrying.

OP posts:
Chasingaftermidnight · 18/01/2022 17:01

Glad you’ve booked it. I’m all for treating children equally as far as possible but I really can’t see why you and your son should miss out on time with your parents or why your parents should be deprived of time with their daughter and grandson because your DH has two other children.

FrankGrillosWrist · 18/01/2022 17:03

Tell him he can come & enjoy himself with his son on his first holiday abroad, or stay at home in fear of the ex wife for ever more. I wouldn’t tell the kids every aspect of my life as they do tend to report back to the mother, then everyone becomes unnecessarily jealous.

Whammyyammy · 18/01/2022 17:04

You and your DS 100% go. Give DH a choice of come or don't come.

Feedingthebirds1 · 18/01/2022 17:15

Yes it was booked this afternoon

With or without him?

NorthSouthcatlady · 18/01/2022 17:32

Glad it’s booked. Life goes on, it’s not all about the DSC

Santahasjoinedww · 18/01/2022 17:33

So ultimately your own dc will also have a pt df...
Very sad. And so unnecessary.

Bogofftosomewherehot · 18/01/2022 18:14

@TooWicked

Your DH is being ridiculous.

Are you never going to be allowed to have a holiday abroad unless the stepchildren come with you - even though they go abroad with their mum?

Go, enjoy your holiday, it’s lovely and very generous of your parents, and let him wallow at home.

This.
LethargicActress · 18/01/2022 18:48

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

Presumably they don't think it's unfair on their half sibling when they go on holiday with their mum and half sibling goes nowhere?

You are spectacularly missing the point. In that situation, no child has to watch THEIR OWN DAD take their sibling on holiday while they are left behind.

It’s not about going on holiday for the sake of a holiday with any random adults. It’s about a kid knowing that their dad is doing something they know is an exciting big deal with their brother but not them. I don’t see why people are choosing to be so blind to the fact that that’s going to hurt.

Starseeking · 18/01/2022 20:04

Glad to hear the holiday was booked. Your DC shouldn't have to miss out on going away with their grandparents for as ridiculous a reason as this. It's sad if your DH isn't joining you, however don't worry about what you can't control. Enjoy the holiday!

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 18/01/2022 20:23

[quote LethargicActress]@Getyourarseofffthequattro

Presumably they don't think it's unfair on their half sibling when they go on holiday with their mum and half sibling goes nowhere?

You are spectacularly missing the point. In that situation, no child has to watch THEIR OWN DAD take their sibling on holiday while they are left behind.

It’s not about going on holiday for the sake of a holiday with any random adults. It’s about a kid knowing that their dad is doing something they know is an exciting big deal with their brother but not them. I don’t see why people are choosing to be so blind to the fact that that’s going to hurt.[/quote]
Well, yes we all know it's their own dad. Its also the smallests own dad. Why should the smallest miss out?

It's not necessarily going to hurt if it's dealt with sensibly. And again, if that hurts then the small sibling will also be hurt when they realise the bigger two have this whole other life they're not a part of. You can play it both ways.

LethargicActress · 18/01/2022 21:04

Because he’s young enough not to know any different, and if it’s unavoidable that he’s got to learn to go on holiday without his brothers/sisters anyway, then daddy staying at home for them isn’t anywhere near as big a stretch.

Of course the youngest isn’t going to be hurt in the same way, because they are coming from a completely different perspective. And again, they aren’t watching their parent go on holiday with their siblings and leaving them behind. They will know nothing different to their siblings living with a different mum and having a life with her.

pollygartertidywife · 18/01/2022 21:21

FFS all the sodding navel gazing and the 'it's not fair' - sorry life is not fair. !

The step kids get stuff their half brother doesn't. (Previous trips abroad !)

Holiday is a gift. From your parents . I assume the step children get gifts from their 2 sets of grandparents.

The holiday is in term time . Therefore a lot cheaper and probably the difference between treating their daughter, son in law and GC and not going at all (in the school holidays)

In your position. (And I have been in your position. I have 3 dc and 4 sdc who are all now adults. ) I would (and have) gone abroad with my dc , DH and my parents. My dsc didn't blink. As they went away with their mothers parents..

I have also been away with 1 dc and not my other 2. I have also been away with DSD 15 & 17 without DC ..

No one appears to need therapy because of this.

Stop overthinking OP. Tell your DH to pack his budgie smugglers and enjoy some holiday time with his youngest !

The only thing he needs to share equally is his love .

DonnyBurrito · 18/01/2022 22:20

Why would it definitely be a fact that it will hurt his older children? If they were my children and they had a good relationship with their little brother, I'd be playing it as an opportunity to get excited for him and teaching them some empathy along the way! "Oh remember your first holiday, how lovely was that? Remember all the brilliant things we did? Your little brother gets to do that for the first time, how exciting for him! Imagine his little smile! Shall we go shopping this weekend and pick him some new sunglasses and a hat to take? I wonder what souvenirs he will bring back for you!" etc. Then obviously they'd get spoilt on the shopping trip, too, so they wouldn't even have chance to feel hard done to in the interim and they'd be prepped and prepared for when the holiday finally rolls around. They can't even go in the first place, so that would be a nice way to involve them. This is how their parents should be spinning it in my opinion, but it depends on the specific kids. Not all children would feel hard done to.

RAOK · 18/01/2022 22:32

I’m never normally one for leaving anyone out but in this case your SC should not be missing school to go on holiday. Your little one is free to go but not the school aged ones. You can present it to their mum as you didn’t want them to miss any more school after all of the closures recently and you wouldn’t want parents to incur a fine for taking a term time holiday which schools are no longer allowed to authorise.