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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable? Holiday situation in a blended family

210 replies

OnlyInOne · 17/01/2022 19:29

Perhaps not unreasonable as I can also see DHs point but more a WWYD?

I will try and keep it as short as possible.

I have one son with my husband who has another two DC from a previous relationship. Our son is 2 nearly 3, my DSC are 9 & 11.

My parents have asked if me DH and DS would like to go away with them this year, their treat to a nice destination. It would be outside of school holidays as understandably that's when my parents prefer to holiday!

We have never been abroad on holiday with any of the DC. DSC have been with their mother but never us (we have had holidays in the UK before with them).

So here's the dilemma, DH is obviously concerned about it seeming unfair if we take DS away without DSC. We can't afford it ourselves in the school holidays and I can't expect my parents to both change it to school holiday time and pay for two more people but of course, DSC likely wouldn't see it that way and I totally understand DHs concern.

Here is where I'm not sure who's unreasonable... I have then suggested that I go alone with DS and my parents and DH stays home with DSC. I do not want to pass up the opportunity of a holiday for DS, one that we couldn't afford ourselves, and yes for myself as well.

DH is understanding of this and said that's fine but he has also admitted he wishes I wouldn't go because he feels in a no win situation where he misses DS's first holiday and should be there but can't go because it's not fair on DSC. He is still okay with me going though, but I know it has upset him.

I have said if I do go, we should prioritise savings for a family holiday next year in the school holidays with everyone.

So... WWYD? Do I go still? I want to, but I don't know if I'm being unfair to DH.

YABU - you're being unfair to go without DH, none of you should go.

YANBU - you should go and not pass up the opportunity for DS to holiday with grandparents.

OP posts:
6464zz · 17/01/2022 21:04

So would you be going on the week off? If so, I'd definitely go.

sadpapercourtesan · 17/01/2022 21:05

For me there's nothing inherently wrong with your parents only wanting you pay for you and your child, but the issue is whether your DH comes, which makes it a "family holiday".

Do the DSC have grandparents of their own who would be likely to treat them to a holiday without your child? Is their mother in a position to take them on holidays? If not, and the only chance of a holiday they would have would be with their father, then I don't think he should go away without them.

If the proposed trip would encompass any of their usual contact time, then I also don't think he should be going away without them.

cosmicbabe · 17/01/2022 21:06

Well it's an easy one as it's in school time so the DSC can't go anyway as they are at school. Easy!

Starseeking · 17/01/2022 21:06

You're in for a bumpy ride if your DH believes he has to forgo a free holiday with his own child to make up to his other DC who weren't actually invited. You'll end up living as a single married woman, i.e. married, but having to behave as if you are single of your DH doesn't pull his head out of his arse in relation to his other DC.

I'd accept the holiday for your DS, you and your DH. If your DH chooses not to go due to some misguided loyalty, expect this type of thing to happen over and over again.

*is it obvious that I've been where you are, and left a situation where my DC were treated as second class citizens by their own father?!?

Gooseberrypies · 17/01/2022 21:06

No, I’d be really annoyed at him. It has nothing to do with his children. Your parents are the ones paying, and they aren’t DSC grandparents. It’s a gift from them to their family members, which DSC aren’t. Their own grandparents are welcome to take them if they want to, and absolutely no way would my DC be missing out because of it. It would be different if you were planning and paying for the holiday. Presumably DSCs mother won’t be inviting your DC on any trips just to make it fair?

halfgirlhalfturnip · 17/01/2022 21:06

You go with your son. You are both over thinking it. If it is a priority that you all go then plan accordingly next year - this is a lovely gift and your son will love it.

MsAnnFrope · 17/01/2022 21:08

Your DH is choosing to miss out. We have a blended family, when DD was preschool age we did things in term time with her that we didn’t do with DSC. Now they are all in school we do stuff together but sometimes go away me, DH and DD when DSC are away with their mum.
All the DC get treats and holidays but these are sometimes spread around at different times.
DSD and DSS do lots with their mum which is great, sometimes DD does stuff just with me. Everyone seems fairly happy bar the usual teenage and tweenage strops!

Ponoka7 · 17/01/2022 21:09

I agree that children should be treated fairly and that doesn't mean the same. Your DH had holidays with his children before your child was born. Even in none blended families, it's fair that activities/holidays are split because of age appropriateness etc.

Chimley · 17/01/2022 21:10

Does your DS get taken on holiday by your DSC's mum?

Thought not. You're absolutely fine to go on holiday without your DSC.

Chloemol · 17/01/2022 21:10

Your dh needs to understand his two older children also have other grandparents they can go away with, just as they have been abroad with their mother

In this case your parents have offered the three of you, their immediate family the offer of a holiday, why should they pay for two other two and move to school holidays?

The kids are old enough to understand that your Karen’s may purchase the odd thing for them, but in this case want to holiday with you and your son, just as they can go on holiday with their other grandparents. Likewise they can understand that they have been abroad with their mother, and in this case the opportunity is there for their younger half sibling

You will have holidays with them at some point

So go, with or without him

Santahasjoinedww · 17/01/2022 21:13

What else is dh planning on missing? Joint dc's first day at school? Swimming lesson? Birthdays? No taking to the dentist /Dr?

DinaofCloud9 · 17/01/2022 21:15

I think your DH is being a bit of a tit. He's sounding like a right martyr.

Admitting he wishes you won't go and his child misses out on a holiday is pretty selfish of him. But hey the guilt shows he's such a great dad right?

AnneElliott · 17/01/2022 21:16

I agree with the majority that you should all go. It's term time, they're older and have been away with their mum before.

Your DH is being an idiot. He'd honestly sit at home alone rather than join your parents for a holiday?

pictish · 17/01/2022 21:16

I think he’s being a mawkish arse as well.

zoemum2006 · 17/01/2022 21:17

To be honest your step kids can't go because the holiday is in term time.

If it were a trip in the school holidays I'd feel more torn but this is something you're only able to do with pre-schoolers.

Go and enjoy it!

Original poster
OnlyInOne · 17/01/2022 21:18

I am pleasantly surprised by these replies thank you Smile

I'll speak to DH again, it would be lovely if he could come.

OP posts:
ChiefStockingStuffer · 17/01/2022 21:18

Of course you should go; it's absurd to think you wouldn't if you have the time available to do so.

Blinkingbatshit · 17/01/2022 21:19

Your dh is being totally over the top. This is a gift from your parents to the two of you and their grandchild. There is no need for dsc to even be considered in this!!

Tiredmum100 · 17/01/2022 21:19

You should definitely go. Your husband is cutting his nose off to spite his face. He should go on his dc 1st holiday. He'll be treating your joint dc unfairly as this rate.

AlwaysinaFlap · 17/01/2022 21:22

@jimmyjammy001

It's a tricky one because it's not your fault he's got children from a previous relationship which are restricting what you can and can't do with your child, but then on the other hand you knew he had got children when you decided to have a child together so should really be accommodating them all in your family life as well as they all come as a package.
No that is ludicrous. OP is not talking about HER and her H going on holiday on their own without the DSC. She is talking about HER parents treating THEIR Grandchild to a holiday . The DSC are not their Grandchildren. @OnlyInOne your H is a tit.
Quartz2208 · 17/01/2022 21:23

So it is his issue because he feels guilty about it. But this isnt going to go away for him if he continues down the path of thinking that everything has to be equal and equal and fair means the same thing.

His no win is all about him though and his feels and not at all about his children. At no point does he seem to go it wont be fair for his DS to not get an holiday or that his children are at 9 and 11 old enough to understand it as well.

Ironically in decision he claims is about his children it appears to all be about him.

Tell him that he should come and stop feeling guilty about this - he now has another child and if he doesnt manage this now he is either going to permanently feel guilt or he is going to end up treating your son unfairly

Notwithittoday · 17/01/2022 21:25

Been there got the t shirt. You go with your dc. If he wants to stay home let him. You don’t have to suffer because of his daddy guilt. He can’t have it all

NYnewstart · 17/01/2022 21:28

I think he should go. Try to take the dsc away as well, even if it’s camping for a few days.

roxisolerenshaw · 17/01/2022 21:29

You should go on holiday with DH and DS on the week you don't have your DSC.

JugglingJanuary · 17/01/2022 21:29

@sadpapercourtesan

For me there's nothing inherently wrong with your parents only wanting you pay for you and your child, but the issue is whether your DH comes, which makes it a "family holiday".

Do the DSC have grandparents of their own who would be likely to treat them to a holiday without your child? Is their mother in a position to take them on holidays? If not, and the only chance of a holiday they would have would be with their father, then I don't think he should go away without them.

If the proposed trip would encompass any of their usual contact time, then I also don't think he should be going away without them.

That makes no sense because him going in this holiday doesn't change whether he can take the older ones on holiday or not.
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