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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my "friend" taking the P?

219 replies

Cookiecrumble2616 · 15/01/2022 15:25

So.. its a long story but the short(ish) version is this..

About a year ago I reconnected with an old friend. We were best friends for years but lost touch when I moved away at 18.

We would send the odd message through Facebook just to check in and we talked a lot for about 3 weeks when her mum was ill and passed away. I did send the odd message after that to see if she was ok but I'd just had a baby so wasn't there as much as I'd like to have been.

Anyway, fast forward to Feb last year and we decided to have a catch up as I had moved back to the area we grew up. Things were good. It was nice to see her. She was having a bit of a tough time with her then BF so I was really supportive and there for her a lot.

They split up in June after a lot of BS. He was (apparently) horrible to her and was still trying to control her. I have to say I never witnessed this personally but I did see messages (never hers though)

Anyway. Me and my partner did what we could for her. We bought her a car because she didn't have one after they split. She was very picky and only wanted a specific car so we spent days and quite a bit of money to get it but she was adamant she was paying back so we didnt mind. We filled the tank for her because she "couldn't afford" petrol. We paid her first 2 installments of her insurance. She couldn't afford food so we bought her shopping. All in all we've loaned her over £2000 as well as gave her kids money because they needed stuff for school etc.

Just before Xmas we gave her £150 as a gift to help her out.

She seems to have a LOT of problems with men. She's basically throwing herself at anyone with a willy. Married, in a relationship or single. It doesn't matter. She always finds "nutters" or "stalkers" and ends up having issues.

The most recent one was being scary aggressive and she wanted our help AGAIN. It's the same as the past few months. She only wants us if she's getting something.

So, a few days ago she wanted us to go to her as she was scared incase the last man came to her house and kicked off. Whilst there she mentioned she had no shopping in or food for the kids. She also mentioned all the nights out she has had this past month.

AIBU to be angry? I feel like I've been conned and I just want to cut her off but she still owes us money. She hasn't gave us 1p back.

What should I do?

OP posts:
BrutusMcDogface · 15/01/2022 15:28

I’ve voted yabu because you’ve been a complete doormat.

I don’t know how you even begin with this one, but you have to stop helping her out. People say on here: “never lend money you can’t afford to lose.”

In other words, kiss goodbye to your £2k!!

I don’t understand the behaviour of some people. She’s the cheekiest of cheeky fuckers. I’m sorry you’ve been taken advantage of like this.

Original poster
Cookiecrumble2616 · 15/01/2022 15:29

I should add too that her car is now broken (she ran it dry and now it's in limp mode and she ran the brakes til they were almost non existent) so i think this is another reason she won't give us money. It's like she bashes the "shit car" so she doesn't have to pay for it because we bought crap..

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 15/01/2022 15:29

Do you need and want the money back ? If no, just drop her. Stop answering her messages and calls.

Original poster
Cookiecrumble2616 · 15/01/2022 15:30

I totally understand Brutus. I'm with you.

OP posts:
EmmasMum12 · 15/01/2022 15:31

Feel angry

Feel very angry

Go NC permanently

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 15/01/2022 15:33

She has behaved like that because you encouraged her behaviour. You bought her a car, seriously?!

Kiss your money good bye and cut contact.

YesIKnowIABUbutIamreallytired · 15/01/2022 15:33

You're never getting your money back. Cut your losses now.

susannag1978 · 15/01/2022 15:37

I feel your pain slightly as had some similar issues with my closest friend. There's always been a drama and while it's not the same scale of money, it's been phone calls at 3am and me needing to help with food shopping (also a single parent) because she's too mentally unwell to look after her children. It's so hard and I understand being a 'doormat' when you just want to help someone. But it's fair to be angry and upset.

LittleOwl153 · 15/01/2022 15:37

I would suggest she gives the car back, sell it and take that as the only money you are going g to get back. Then cut contact as she is clearly incapable of managing money and will belld you dry.

Nidan2Sandan · 15/01/2022 15:37

I voted yabu as you could see how chaotic her life is and yet clearly wanted to swing in as the wealthy superhero and change her life when logically you knew her life would never change. You cant now complain that she has carried on acting in the exact same way again

Kiss goodbye to £2K and the friendship. She doesnt deserve a friend like you and your energies would be better spent elsewhere.

ANameChangeAgain · 15/01/2022 15:38

What's the old saying? Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

chillied · 15/01/2022 15:38

The point where you bought her a car was the point where most people would not have done that. You'll have to consider all of that a gift. It's not going to be repaid, no question about it. From now on, only offer sympathy. don't offer any more money, or any more things that cost money.

Schmoozer · 15/01/2022 15:40

Blimey 😮 yes taking the piss !

Zombiemum1946 · 15/01/2022 15:40

Write off the money, you'll never get it back, and cut all ties.

TooWicked · 15/01/2022 15:43

You’ve been a mug but thankfully 2k is a fairly cheap lesson learned.

Write the money off, bin the friend, and don’t ever be tempted to relish getting involved in other people’s drama ever again.

PearlclutchersInc · 15/01/2022 15:45

Forget the money, cut your losses and bow out of the friendship (because it isnt one).

BrightYellowDaffodil · 15/01/2022 15:46

What you should do is:

  1. Do not lend her any more money, or give her any more money or pay for anything for her whatsoever ever again, for any reason.

  2. Tell her how much she owes you, in writing, and ask her to pay it back.

  3. Accept that, despite 2, you’re probably never going to see that money again. Write the money and the friendship off.

  4. Try and removed the word “doormat” from your forehead…

KiloWhat · 15/01/2022 15:47

You're not going to get that back and you've been a bit silly to.just buy her a car.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 15/01/2022 15:47

I've also voted YABU as you've been a mug.

What on earth possessed you to pay for car, insurance, fuel and school equipment for someone else, especially when she never paid you back for the original costs of the car?

You're not going to get your money back. Just drop the friendship and stop giving people money in the future!

Cookiecrumble26166 · 15/01/2022 15:49

I do agree I done too much but I really wanted to help her out. Her life wasn't always this chaotic. She doesnt have family and I wanted to help her get back on her feet. I wasn't trying to be the wealthy superhero I used my savings. I'm not wealthy I was just being a friend. Or so I thought. I admit I can see now I've been a mug. I can just add the money back to my savings if I work extra hours so I don't need it.

I appreciate all of your opinions though. It's helping me see where I went wrong.

Thelnebriati · 15/01/2022 15:50

She is taking the piss; but also you need to learn to be assertive and how to put better boundaries in place.

susannag1978 · 15/01/2022 15:55

@Cookiecrumble26166

I do agree I done too much but I really wanted to help her out. Her life wasn't always this chaotic. She doesnt have family and I wanted to help her get back on her feet. I wasn't trying to be the wealthy superhero I used my savings. I'm not wealthy I was just being a friend. Or so I thought. I admit I can see now I've been a mug. I can just add the money back to my savings if I work extra hours so I don't need it.

I appreciate all of your opinions though. It's helping me see where I went wrong.

I don't think it's fair to say you 'went wrong'. You were trying to help someone in need and it was (sort of) within your means to do so.

I have experienced myself that when you fall on hard times, a lot of people turn their back on you which is why I think I personally try very hard to support others. She is taking the piss though and it's not fair.

MananaTomorrow · 15/01/2022 15:56

You are not going to see any money back.

As soon as you will start to stop ‘helping’,put boundaries in place etc.. she will be away like a shot.

I’d let go and make peace with the fact you’ve lost £2k

RoseRedRoseBlue · 15/01/2022 15:57

@ANameChangeAgain

What's the old saying? Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.
This. How on Earth have you let this go so far?
pictish · 15/01/2022 16:02

Oh my goodness. No. You have done more than enough for this advantage taking, self-serving woman. It’s a never ending cycle and you’ve done the rounds now. You’ll never see that money. This is how she goes on.
It’s a no thanks from me.

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