Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Is my "friend" taking the P?

219 replies

Cookiecrumble2616 · 15/01/2022 15:25

So.. its a long story but the short(ish) version is this..

About a year ago I reconnected with an old friend. We were best friends for years but lost touch when I moved away at 18.

We would send the odd message through Facebook just to check in and we talked a lot for about 3 weeks when her mum was ill and passed away. I did send the odd message after that to see if she was ok but I'd just had a baby so wasn't there as much as I'd like to have been.

Anyway, fast forward to Feb last year and we decided to have a catch up as I had moved back to the area we grew up. Things were good. It was nice to see her. She was having a bit of a tough time with her then BF so I was really supportive and there for her a lot.

They split up in June after a lot of BS. He was (apparently) horrible to her and was still trying to control her. I have to say I never witnessed this personally but I did see messages (never hers though)

Anyway. Me and my partner did what we could for her. We bought her a car because she didn't have one after they split. She was very picky and only wanted a specific car so we spent days and quite a bit of money to get it but she was adamant she was paying back so we didnt mind. We filled the tank for her because she "couldn't afford" petrol. We paid her first 2 installments of her insurance. She couldn't afford food so we bought her shopping. All in all we've loaned her over £2000 as well as gave her kids money because they needed stuff for school etc.

Just before Xmas we gave her £150 as a gift to help her out.

She seems to have a LOT of problems with men. She's basically throwing herself at anyone with a willy. Married, in a relationship or single. It doesn't matter. She always finds "nutters" or "stalkers" and ends up having issues.

The most recent one was being scary aggressive and she wanted our help AGAIN. It's the same as the past few months. She only wants us if she's getting something.

So, a few days ago she wanted us to go to her as she was scared incase the last man came to her house and kicked off. Whilst there she mentioned she had no shopping in or food for the kids. She also mentioned all the nights out she has had this past month.

AIBU to be angry? I feel like I've been conned and I just want to cut her off but she still owes us money. She hasn't gave us 1p back.

What should I do?

OP posts:
Ohfortheloveofgodwhatnow · 15/01/2022 18:23

You did a kind thing op - there’s some harsh replies here but that’s the crux of it. You were trying to help a friend, there’s nothing wrong with that. But now is the time to draw a line under it. She is taking the right piss. Recoup what you can and move on. All of this says more about her than you. Chalk it up and move on - she’s not your friend.

crosstalk · 15/01/2022 18:24

Have no comment to make apart from the fact OP should make sure she is not in any way responsible for the car and can either take it back or SORN it. If it's still her responsibility and it's not MOT'd or insured she could be in very big trouble if it's in an accident/kills someone.

CormoranStrike · 15/01/2022 18:25

Who is the registered keeper of the car?

If her, kiss goodbye to your money. If you take the car back to recoup your losses.

Block her on everything.

krustykittens · 15/01/2022 18:27

OP, in answer to your question, no, you are not at all wrong to be angry at her going for nights out. Anyone with any pride or self respect would be cutting back on luxuries rather than begging people to feed her kids. When someone owes you in the thousands you have every right to have an opinion on their non-essential spending, especially when they have made no effort to pay you back and are asking for MORE!

Cookiecrumble26166 · 15/01/2022 18:28

@OakRowan sorry I misunderstood you but I do agree with you. 100% I am aware now I've done the wrong thing. It's blatant.

@elfycat you are 1000% right. Thank you

Tennisnet · 15/01/2022 18:28

OP, in the nicest possible way, I think you need to learn the lesson that people with chaotic lives tend to be or stay that way for a long time. When someone's going through this number of problems, paying someone's money back just isn't a priority. People have often asked questions on here like "Why do poor people make bad financial decisions" and lots of answers have been given like that there's a lot more short term thinking, that people under stress and hunger don't have the energy or calmness to think as rationally as others, and that everyone needs a treat every so often so if someone's going through a bad time then of course they're going to spend it on an immediate night out with friends rather than paying someone back for a car.

You can lend people all the money in the world, but you can't make someone change their priorities or the way they think about cash flow.

kavalkada · 15/01/2022 18:29

The only thing you should do at this moment is report your friend to social service. If her kids are hungry, and from everything you write, they need help ASAP.
I would forget about money and do everything in my help to help her children.

cstaff · 15/01/2022 18:30

I'm not sure why you are getting so many harsh comments for helping a friend. You obviously helped too much and she is now taking the piss. At this stage you just need to walk away. Unfortunately that probably means writing off her debt to you but will hopefully give you peace of mind.

MarshmallowFondant · 15/01/2022 18:32

You've been taken for a right mug OP.

You are not going to get your money back whether you break off the "friendship" or not.

Tennisnet · 15/01/2022 18:35

@jade9390

Please cut ties. You are not going to get anything back. I have been in the same same situation. These people just take the pee and end up making you bitter. They always have empty cupboards because they prefer a night out over their children's welfare. I took someone to Italy in the hope it would show her what she could do, if she did not spend 100s on drugs every month.
@jade9390 Wow, please tell us more about this! How did you get into this situation and what else did you learn from it? Can I assume your friend realised that even if she kept spending money on drugs, she could still go on holiday anyway because well meaning people would pay for it? I totally understand the lesson you were trying to teach her but then it backfired?
Mrsmadevans · 15/01/2022 18:41

My Mum has 'friends' like this, the daughter of the friend was going to do some decorating for my Mum. I asked her how much she wanted , she said 'oh nothing l would do this for nothing' . I said to her oh no Mum won't be happy not paying you how much do you want ? She came back with 350 quid!
l was so shocked to go from nought to 350 in the turn of the conversation. She is a user OP my advice , cut your losses block her on everything and get rid .

Lunde · 15/01/2022 18:43

I think you have tried very hard to be a friend (maybe too hard) and she has taken advantage and is now acting as though she is entitled to your cash to fund her lifestyle.

You know what you need to do - you need to cut off the cash and take a huge step back from involvement in her chaotic life. If she tries to guilt trip you into helping her with her multiple problems - do not give cash. Point her at debt counselling such as stepchange, food bank or Women's Aid for relationship issues etc

Fredstheteds · 15/01/2022 18:45

[quote Cookiecrumble26166]@Butchyrestingface I'm not really rich we just save our money. Maybe it's a good job I'm not I'd probably give it all away 😂[/quote]
You sound good people but it’s great she can get what she wants, go out and not priorities her kids/ food etc, was the car really needed or a nice accessory.... I take it this person works or has some kind of income? Put yourselves first and write everything off and move on. If it costs you a friendship then ok if not then she’s just a friend not some one who is a friend cos of the benefits you bring.

ChampagneLassie · 15/01/2022 18:58

I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. You did a really decent thing. A acquaintance of mine (not even a friend) posted on FB about being in dire straits on brink homelessness. I "loaned" him £2k... But in my own head I saw it as a gift. Not least that he didn't know how or when he'd be able to pay back. He did pay me back, but that's not the point. I'm sure some people would have thought me barmy but that money really did make a huge difference and I felt really good knowing that. And I'm sure your help and support have really helped her... sadly she's not taking the lifeline. Id write to her explaining your disappointment in her behaviour and urging her to sort herself out for the kids and repay when she can and severe contact. I doubt you'll get the money but at least save your ongoing heartache.

OakRowan · 15/01/2022 19:04

Write the money off and put some distance between you. If it helps strengthen your feelings try framing it as carrying her like this is actually helping her to neglect her kids, I don't mean that it is you hurting them directly, but she isn't being a good parent and has set you up to help her live that life, which only benefits her, thats not helping her children. She can easily blame you and manipulate you once you try and withdraw, emotional blackmail of what about her kids, thats such low behaviour. Be reassured, not offended that so many people are so concerned by what you've described.

Cookiecrumble26166 · 15/01/2022 19:06

Thank you for your replies everyone (even the unnecessarily harsh ones) I've taken on everything everyone has said. I've just sent her a message telling her how I felt and said I'd rather know if she can't pay me back than her keep giving excuses for why she can't pay.

I told her that if she had said that in the beginning I'd never have even thought about the money again but I wouldn't have kept giving more. I explained that telling me her and the kids have no shopping and not having enough money to buy any was wrong considering she could afford to go out..

The response was...
I will pay you back. I'm sorry. I've been a bit all over the place lately. I will give you £50 on the 25th xxxxxxxxxxx

I don't know what to say back. I've just left it. I don't think I believe her.

I'm a total div for being such a softie. 🤦‍♀️

IncompleteSenten · 15/01/2022 19:16

First off, obviously, you don't ever give her another penny.

Realistically, your odds of getting the money back as next to none

Do you have anything in writing? Even text messages that mention the amounts or that she will pay you back?

I'd text her and say you need the £x she borrowed and if she can't afford it all at once, would set set up a payment plan.

Hopefully she'll reply acknowledging the debt, even though she'll likely give you a load of bollocks about she can't afford it right now.

But it will be something to prove the loan should you decide to go to small claims court.

OakRowan · 15/01/2022 19:16

You don't have to say anything back to her, but you mustn't believe her.

IncompleteSenten · 15/01/2022 19:17

Sorry, didn't see your post that weren't highlighted!

It's good you have an acknowledgement of the debt.

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 15/01/2022 19:23

[quote Cookiecrumble26166]@dotsandco never once asked for sympathy. And funnily enough I never asked anyone else what they would do. I was asking one question. Am I right to be angry about not getting anything back and finding out accidentally that she's been going out drinking. I helped her because I could. I had the money there. I'm not bothered if I get it back now. I can replace it. I'm just annoyed she said she had nothing but had enough to go out and get drunk. Had I have known she was doing that I wouldn't have helped her like she asked me to.[/quote]
You say she had enough to go out and get drunk. I'm thinking the more likely reality is that she is getting her new friend to pay for those nights out. She sounds like she is pretty good at getting people to pay for her way in life.

LIZS · 15/01/2022 19:34

If she pays you back anything, it will probably be "borrowed" off someone else. Does she own the car or you?

AcrossthePond55 · 15/01/2022 19:35

@Cookiecrumble26166

Thank you for your replies everyone (even the unnecessarily harsh ones) I've taken on everything everyone has said. I've just sent her a message telling her how I felt and said I'd rather know if she can't pay me back than her keep giving excuses for why she can't pay.

I told her that if she had said that in the beginning I'd never have even thought about the money again but I wouldn't have kept giving more. I explained that telling me her and the kids have no shopping and not having enough money to buy any was wrong considering she could afford to go out..

The response was...
I will pay you back. I'm sorry. I've been a bit all over the place lately. I will give you £50 on the 25th xxxxxxxxxxx

I don't know what to say back. I've just left it. I don't think I believe her.

I'm a total div for being such a softie. 🤦‍♀️

If you reply at all you just say "OK". But chances are when the 25th comes she'll have a 'good reason' why she can't pay/pay the full £50. And so it will begin again.

If you want to keep her as a friend you'll need to clearly define to her (and yourself) the 'terms' of your friendship. No more 'borrowing', no more handouts. If you're in a better financial position, maybe you'll 'treat' her once in a while to a nice meal or whatever. But you will not be bailing her out financially anymore, not even groceries.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/01/2022 19:37

Adding: But don't be surprised if she 'fades away' when she realizes you mean what you say.

Cookiecrumble26166 · 15/01/2022 19:37

@LIZS she owns the car. It was put in her name. The insurance is in her name. I have nothing to do with it now.

Cookiecrumble26166 · 15/01/2022 19:39

I'm thinking about just replying to her saying forget it and then be done with it all. It's not worth the headache. She's shown who she is now and I've learnt a lesson.

I suppose everything happens for a reason 🤷🏽‍♀️

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread