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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my "friend" taking the P?

219 replies

Cookiecrumble2616 · 15/01/2022 15:25

So.. its a long story but the short(ish) version is this..

About a year ago I reconnected with an old friend. We were best friends for years but lost touch when I moved away at 18.

We would send the odd message through Facebook just to check in and we talked a lot for about 3 weeks when her mum was ill and passed away. I did send the odd message after that to see if she was ok but I'd just had a baby so wasn't there as much as I'd like to have been.

Anyway, fast forward to Feb last year and we decided to have a catch up as I had moved back to the area we grew up. Things were good. It was nice to see her. She was having a bit of a tough time with her then BF so I was really supportive and there for her a lot.

They split up in June after a lot of BS. He was (apparently) horrible to her and was still trying to control her. I have to say I never witnessed this personally but I did see messages (never hers though)

Anyway. Me and my partner did what we could for her. We bought her a car because she didn't have one after they split. She was very picky and only wanted a specific car so we spent days and quite a bit of money to get it but she was adamant she was paying back so we didnt mind. We filled the tank for her because she "couldn't afford" petrol. We paid her first 2 installments of her insurance. She couldn't afford food so we bought her shopping. All in all we've loaned her over £2000 as well as gave her kids money because they needed stuff for school etc.

Just before Xmas we gave her £150 as a gift to help her out.

She seems to have a LOT of problems with men. She's basically throwing herself at anyone with a willy. Married, in a relationship or single. It doesn't matter. She always finds "nutters" or "stalkers" and ends up having issues.

The most recent one was being scary aggressive and she wanted our help AGAIN. It's the same as the past few months. She only wants us if she's getting something.

So, a few days ago she wanted us to go to her as she was scared incase the last man came to her house and kicked off. Whilst there she mentioned she had no shopping in or food for the kids. She also mentioned all the nights out she has had this past month.

AIBU to be angry? I feel like I've been conned and I just want to cut her off but she still owes us money. She hasn't gave us 1p back.

What should I do?

OP posts:

GrandmasCat · 15/01/2022 17:12

Honestly… who buys a car for a “friend” they have not seen in a decade? What is your sense of responsibility towards your own family’s finances OP, was your partner happy about this?

It doesn’t take much brain power to know money and friendships do not mix, especially after many years without contact.

LIZS · 15/01/2022 17:12

Hope you can afford to lose the money as it seems very unlikely you will get any back. Agree with pp she sees you as a cash cow and has no reason to be self sufficient while you are "helping". She has shown she has no respect for your generosity by damaging the car. I wonder how many other family and friends she has similarly used before you.

krustykittens · 15/01/2022 17:15

Yes, your friend is taking the piss but you have set yourself up as her personal ATM. Why on earth would you buy a car for someone who can't afford to put fuel in it?! If she can't afford the fuel, she can't afford the running costs of a car never mind paying you back for the purchase price. Cut contact, OP, cut the cash flow and kiss that money goodbye, you are never going to see it again. I really hope you can afford it.

Hertsgirl10 · 15/01/2022 17:20

@Roosk

What behaviour? Helping an old friend when she was at a low point and had no one else?

I think people don’t give realistic advice on here sometimes, if my friend needed help I would help, I wouldn’t expect her to take
The piss. OP is the victim here and she’s been called all kinds, it’s wild!

A lot comments here are unbelievable.

Anyone can see she did it from a good place, She has learnt the hard way.

Also I don’t get why on here people are always so fast to cut people off, why aren’t people grown ups and talk to people about an issue, it’s always block, delete and cut off it’s not very mature.

PinkSyCo · 15/01/2022 17:21

Fucking hell your ‘friend’ has got find one sucker get one free with you and your partner hasn’t she? I can kind of understand up to a certain point you, her friend being taken for a rude but how the hell did she manage to suck your partner in too? You are either both exceptionally nice or a pair of complete idiots. Either way this woman clearly has no intention of ever paying your money back so tell her to fuck off and be more choosy with your friends in future.

Peppapigforlife · 15/01/2022 17:21

She sounds like she has money management issues too. I'm on the lowest amount of universal credit as a single mum and I can still afford all the bills and food each month. You didn't need to feel sorry for her financially. I don't have a car but I can still get around. If I wanted one, I would work for it. Your pity is better placed to someone in a country where they are left starving, malnourished and begging for scraps of food. Not someone entitled and unable to manage the good things that life has handed to her. Sounds like you have guilt issues for having the life you do have.

Summerfun54321 · 15/01/2022 17:24

Ask to borrow the car, sell it, then block her.

IsDaveThere · 15/01/2022 17:25

Wow. I only got a far as 'we bought her a car...' Why would you do that? Write off the money and block her.

Catastrophejane · 15/01/2022 17:26

OP - you helped a friend who was going through a hard time. You did a kind thing and I think some of the comments here are overly harsh.

You had no idea her life had become so chaotic, so I think you just chalk it down to experience.

You now know what’s she’s like. I’d wouldn’t hold my breath waiting for your 2k back, but at least now you are wise to her.

No more cash handouts and no more going out of your way to help. It doesn’t sound like you get much out of this friendship anymore, so don’t invest any more time, money or energy.

bubbleblower85 · 15/01/2022 17:26

You could try taking her to the small claims court for the money, if it is important to you.

Well it seems lesson learnty (hopefully).
Please cut this CF out of your life, if you don't she may well make a move on your hubby.

Have heard enough cases of people who help the 'poor' 'struggling' single female friend only for them to turn out be be a snake and try and destroy the helper's homelife.

Cookiecrumble26166 · 15/01/2022 17:26

Like I've stated before.. he took all of her money. It wasn't permanent. She had nothing. She couldn't afford the big pull out for a car so we paid for it. She said once she got back on track she would pay me £50-100 back a month. I was ok with that.

We agreed she would pay back monthly in installments. She said she'd fell behind with so many things AFTER the car and things were paid for so I said I'd wait. She never mentioned that she'd been going out drinking until a few nights ago. That's what's annoyed me.

I knew nothing about it. She had made a new friend next to where she lives and she's been going out with her. I don't know her so wouldn't find out.

I've also said it was savings and I'll just work extra hours to put it back. I'm not desperate for the money. I just didn't know if I was right to be annoyed that she's been out getting drunk but never even attempted to give me anything back.

For the people not getting it.. I have been on contact with her just not seen her in person for a while. So it's not like I have just met her again after 20 years.

silverbubbles · 15/01/2022 17:26

you did your best and you are an amazing friend to her but its time to call it day with helping her out.
Just step away quietly forget about the money stop helping.

whiteworldgettingwhiter · 15/01/2022 17:31

the car is now broken (she ran it dry and now it's in limp mode and she ran the brakes til they were almost non existent)

How is this even possible? What do you mean, she ran a car dry? It ran out of petrol? Then she can refill it. And brakes should last tens of thousands of miles.

Yabu. You've been taken for a mug. She was just using you, sorry.

MarbleQueen · 15/01/2022 17:32

Like I stated before, her mother passed away. She's never known her dad and her mothers husband didn't even give her what was supposed to be left to her. She was my best friend for years and I really felt for her

Knock it off with the best friend crap. You haven’t fucking seen her since you were 18! You didn’t even go and see her when her mum died did you. The friendship was resurrected only because you moved back to the area. It’s actually weird of you to describe her as your best friend.

I didn't buy a car she couldn't afford to run

You’ve blatantly said you’ve bought the kids stuff and she couldn’t afford food. How far from school does she live that she can’t walk there?

A car is a luxury and people who can’t afford food cannot afford services, insurance and car repayments.

Trippingslippingx1 · 15/01/2022 17:34

Apply to judge rinder

AcrossthePond55 · 15/01/2022 17:35

Consider it a lesson well learnt in 'neither a borrower nor a lender be' and write the money AND her off. I predict that if you start telling her 'no' and ignoring her hints for help/money, she will drop you like a hot potato and move on to the next mug.

She's either a major deliberate 'user-on-purpose' or someone who was raised to believe she needs (and has the right) to be 'taken care of'. Either way, not a good person to have as a friend.

Roosk · 15/01/2022 17:35

@Cookiecrumble26166

Not playing the victim here at all so don't understand the hate I'm getting or the name calling?

We had an understanding that once she sorted herself out and pulled herself back together she would pay me back what she could when she could.

I didn't buy a car she couldn't afford to run. Her ex took all the money. She had nothing and no way to get her kids to school etc.. I'm not playing the saviour or hero. I genuinely thought I was helping a friend in need.

As for the insinuation that I'm abusive? That's utterly ridiculous. I don't expect and never have expected all of the money back at once. I never held it over her. She said she'd pay back each month once her rent was sorted and I was ok with that.

Maybe subconsciously i had guilt for not being around much after her mother died. I don't know. I supported her the way I could. I was there for her to listen and chat whenever she needed and I had savings to help her out of the situation she was in.

I've never told anyone what we did until now. So im not looking for a medal or praise. My husband isn't angry as he knows exactly why I helped her and he thought I was doing the best I could in the situation.

What is in this friendship for you, OP? (Assuming this is a NC fail). Do you believe friendship involves continual feelings of obligation and guilt? Do you have many other friends where you live now? You

Cookiecrumble26166 · 15/01/2022 17:37

Clearly @MarbleQueen you can't read. I said I WAS her best friend for years. Yes I went to see her when her mam died but I had just had a baby and didn't feel I went enough. I went to her mother's funeral so obviously I saw her.

We stayed in contact but didn't see her in person. Does that mean we aren't still friends?

If you want to swear and be ignorant I suggest you go somewhere else to do it.

Have a good one

MarbleQueen · 15/01/2022 17:37

She had made a new friend next to where she lives and she's been going out with her. I don't know her so wouldn't find out

I suspect this is the real problem.

Roosk · 15/01/2022 17:39

@Cookiecrumble26166

Clearly *@MarbleQueen* you can't read. I said I WAS her best friend for years. Yes I went to see her when her mam died but I had just had a baby and didn't feel I went enough. I went to her mother's funeral so obviously I saw her.

We stayed in contact but didn't see her in person. Does that mean we aren't still friends?

If you want to swear and be ignorant I suggest you go somewhere else to do it.

Have a good one

OP, you’ve had a NC fail, so people aren’t seeing your subsequent posts, as they under a different name.

Cookiecrumble26166 · 15/01/2022 17:40

@Roosk yeah I have a small group of friends and we have our "couples" friends. I understand that it looks like ive clung on but we really were best friends. We got on great and it just went back to how it was before when we started regularly seeing each other again. I just obviously had guilt for not being there like I should have been when her mother died. I dunno...

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 15/01/2022 17:43

You have just been far too nice, and she’s taken advantage massively.

Of course up you must cut her off. No more money, no more anything. It’s entirely her own fault. But she’ll look for another mug, spin sob stories, and very likely find one.

Butchyrestingface · 15/01/2022 17:43

Questions:

Are you really, REALLY rich?

Will you be MY friend?

Cookiecrumble26166 · 15/01/2022 17:45

@Trippingslippingx1 Hahahaha best advice on here 🤣

LIZS · 15/01/2022 17:46

When you say no you will discover just how much she values your friendship.

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