Is my "friend" taking the P?

[Cookiecrumble2616]

So.. its a long story but the short(ish) version is this..

About a year ago I reconnected with an old friend. We were best friends for years but lost touch when I moved away at 18.

We would send the odd message through Facebook just to check in and we talked a lot for about 3 weeks when her mum was ill and passed away. I did send the odd message after that to see if she was ok but I'd just had a baby so wasn't there as much as I'd like to have been.

Anyway, fast forward to Feb last year and we decided to have a catch up as I had moved back to the area we grew up. Things were good. It was nice to see her. She was having a bit of a tough time with her then BF so I was really supportive and there for her a lot.

They split up in June after a lot of BS. He was (apparently) horrible to her and was still trying to control her. I have to say I never witnessed this personally but I did see messages (never hers though)

Anyway. Me and my partner did what we could for her. We bought her a car because she didn't have one after they split. She was very picky and only wanted a specific car so we spent days and quite a bit of money to get it but she was adamant she was paying back so we didnt mind. We filled the tank for her because she "couldn't afford" petrol. We paid her first 2 installments of her insurance. She couldn't afford food so we bought her shopping. All in all we've loaned her over £2000 as well as gave her kids money because they needed stuff for school etc.

Just before Xmas we gave her £150 as a gift to help her out.

She seems to have a LOT of problems with men. She's basically throwing herself at anyone with a willy. Married, in a relationship or single. It doesn't matter. She always finds "nutters" or "stalkers" and ends up having issues.

The most recent one was being scary aggressive and she wanted our help AGAIN. It's the same as the past few months. She only wants us if she's getting something.

So, a few days ago she wanted us to go to her as she was scared incase the last man came to her house and kicked off. Whilst there she mentioned she had no shopping in or food for the kids. She also mentioned all the nights out she has had this past month.

AIBU to be angry? I feel like I've been conned and I just want to cut her off but she still owes us money. She hasn't gave us 1p back.

What should I do?

I feel sorry for the posters that can’t understand why anyone would help a friend on need, IF they had the money to.

You’ve either never had anyone help you or you’ve never even thought to help people, that’s very sad.

@Hertsgirl10

I feel sorry for the posters that can’t understand why anyone would help a friend on need, IF they had the money to.

You’ve either never had anyone help you or you’ve never even thought to help people, that’s very sad.

No I can’t say I’ve ever bought a ‘friend’ who I’ve not seen for years a car, food shopping,money to her kids, loaned her £2k and given her £150 for Christmas....nor would anyone I know....,that doesn’t make me sad....it makes me sane and sensible .....I have helped family out....But not to the extent OP has..... ‘neither a borrower or a lender be’.... I live to this adage with anyone other than family..... it always ends in tears 😭 So don’t waste your time feeling sorry for me🙄

Some of my responses have probably been harsh. I’ll explain why.

I have a relative who could easily be the ops friend. She has mental health problems and is really quite vulnerable. I want to stress she is not a bad person in any way. But she is chaotic and unstable and drawn to drama and being rescued. Like the ops friend there is a long history of unsuitable men.

As a family we are very clear that while we are available for support we are not available for enabling. Because it’s not kind and actively hurts our relative.

Over the years I have watched various rescuers and fixers come along and help or support our relative. I can categorically tell you that every single time these friendships have turned toxic and our relative has ended up in a worse position than when they started, often based on other peoples bad advice and desire to rescue.

These fixers are often not what they seem and there is often an element of drama seeking in their behaviour also and feeding the chaos. Eventually my relative gets sick of the judgement and obligations and the fixers get sick of my relative not being grateful enough and they declare they’ve been taken advantage of because they were so kind and decent. This harms them and also harms my relative.

What they don’t realise is there’s a difference between supporting and enabling and they are just as unhealthy as my relative.

It’s not possible to have a healthy friendship when one person takes on a rescuer role. It leaves the other person in a one down position and creates a toxic power inbalance.

There’s a lot of judgement in your posts op. I don’t think it’s fair to label her a user or to pressure her for money she hasn’t got. If the car is not running it makes more sense to get the car back, get it repaired and sell it. I think you are angry she’s got a new friend.

I suppose the question to ask yourself is has she benefited from you feeding into the chaos with her and getting her a car she can’t afford.

@Kitkat151

OP has said multiple times she has seen her and had lots of contact over the years but you and others keep saying the same thing to belittle her and make her feel like this is all her fault, it’s not.

Just because she did a nice thing doesn’t make her the weird one here, people like her don’t do nice things (when they’re able to) are actually quite weird. So yea I will feel sorry for people that don’t care about others or haven’t has anyone care enough for them to think that this situation is so strange, it’s not.
OP didn’t take out a loan and leave herself broke that would odd but so many people do, watch judge rinder people help a lot and some are broke themselves and shouldn’t, isn’t the case here.

Stand by my comment that it’s It’s very odd behaviour to buy someone who is not your child a car. That £2k could have given you and your kids a lovely holiday instead it’s spent on a car for someone that doesn’t appreciate it or even use it! Obviously your money but you make very strange spending choices.

I do think you were just trying to help your friend op. I don’t think you deserve the kick back you’re getting here. But … I do think you need to step back from her, realise she’s fleeced you and has zero intentions of paying it back and move on.
I think you’re very kind and giving but (I mean this nicely) really rethink how you channel giving your money away. It’s good that you won’t miss the cash but it could be better given to someone who really needs it and won’t leave you feeling wrung out.

I think you've been very kind and have tried to be a good friend. It's very easy to think you are a good friend and a very different thing to do something life-changing for someone. That is what you have done. The fact your friend can't see it or appreciate it says more about her than you. She has shown her true colours and now it's time to help her stand alone.
If she can't afford food, help arrange access to the food bank. If you think the situation really isn't good for children and she is introducing dangerous men to her family then maybe she needs professional support.
You should be commended not condemned for being a friend but you really can't continue to be taken advantage of.

Why on earth did you buy her a car?! That's honestly very bizarre. I would always help out a friend but that is way beyond normal levels of helping someone out. You need to make it really clear to her- you owe us £2K, when are you paying this back? (she won't be). We are not in a position to give you any more money, and need that money back. Be angry about it OP. And then cut your losses and don't have anything to do with her again.

@Cookiecrumble2616 Ignore the bluntness of other posts here. You and your partner were trying to help her. But unfortunately she sounds like one of those people who needs peace, drama, help, fixing, peace, drama, help ....blah blah. I had a friend like this (and gave the kind of help you did) years ago. I finally snapped after years of BS, dumped her over the phone, never contacted her again, even when she requested contact through a mutual friend. It was a relief. Get a copy of Please Yourself (by Emma Reed Turrell). Mind blowing and liberating. Forgive yourself 💐

For your own sanity it looks like you're going to need to distance yourself from her. Message her and explain that you are unable to help her anymore

I think she needs to see her GP and have some Counselling. Maybe refer her to a womens aid charity

These are the type of “friends” I feel are ones to watch !
They are just users and will
Milk you for anything , in my opinion !

I couldn’t have someone like that in my life again I think you have been fully mugged off , you have done far too much for her already!

Hi what you need to do is basically say your struggling yourself and that you need help your family or borrow family money...I would forget about the 2k only because the more you hang in there for hope of getting back the more chance she'll keep approaching you for more money. Let's hope with time she realises she was out of order but from character I don't think she'll be changing any time soon. You have a kind heart and have stayed loyal and tried to be supportive but people like will never appreciate it and sadly won't care. Slowly cut her off blame your husband if need be.. And depending how psycho she is keep yourself busy volunteer at kids school or do a free course maybe at kids school just to make out like you have so much on, and too exhausted to have your catch ups. Just so you can minimise opportunities of her next never ending issue.
Hope she gets the message and has the decency to realise she's taking mick and needs to step back after everything you've done for her it's only fair.
Goodluckkkk kind one

@Cookiecrumble2616

I should add too that her car is now broken (she ran it dry and now it's in limp mode and she ran the brakes til they were almost non existent) so i think this is another reason she won't give us money. It's like she bashes the "shit car" so she doesn't have to pay for it because we bought crap..

She’s an ungrateful bitch as well , wow - she sounds like a nightmare , is she my old best friend by any chance 🤣

I think you were supportive , kind and generous to lend her money for the car, help out with food etc.

However it is now very clear that she is well and truly taking advantage. I suggest you sit down with her, tell her that you cannot carry on funding her, that you are disappointed that she is spending money on nights out and going out with loads of unsuitable blokes and that you feel taken advantage of. Tell her you want your money bac k as she knows it was a loan.

You then have to decide whether you walk away and cut your losses or go to, (I think) a small claims court to try and get money back. I don't think you will ever get it back whatever you do.

I’ve found myself in similar situations. You’ve inadvertently fallen prey to the vampire friend. You invited her in and now she’s likely to fly through the window every time she fancies a pint of blood.
It’s not her fault. She’s is what she is, so you have to decide whether you still want to serve her or if you want to start wearing a garlic necklace lol

@ANameChangeAgain

What's the old saying? Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

This 100%

It's your own fault. Don't lend money you can't afford to lose as you can't expect to get it back. She will keep taking if you go keep giving.

You have royally conned - Mark it up to experience, ghost and dump her, block all communication and chalk it up to a life lesson, you won't see your money but you can wake up to how gullible you have been so you never get conned again - bad luck

@Cookiecrumble2616

I should add too that her car is now broken (she ran it dry and now it's in limp mode and she ran the brakes til they were almost non existent) so i think this is another reason she won't give us money. It's like she bashes the "shit car" so she doesn't have to pay for it because we bought crap..

Some people bite the hand that feeds. There is only one way for them to learn their lesson (if they ever do)...

She is being unreasonable and is obviously using your good nature.

However YABU too…. You need to work on having boundaries. She had barely Been back in your life 5 minutes before taking from you financially and emotionally.

Obviously it’s ok to help friends, but you also need an awareness of when someone is just a taker.

She sounds like a complicated person who probably has a lot of issues. If you are going to remain friends with her you are going to have to have strong boundaries and not allow her dramas to be your dramas.

Just stop now before you part with anymore cash. She's not your friend.

@KiloWhat

You're not going to get that back and you've been a bit silly to.just buy her a car.

Yep. What were you thinking?

You bought her a car???? Most people would not do this for a family member. Don't expect a penny back. Your other half is very understanding.

You'll never get the £2k back. Offer emotional support only from now on or block her.