Is my "friend" taking the P?

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So.. its a long story but the short(ish) version is this..

About a year ago I reconnected with an old friend. We were best friends for years but lost touch when I moved away at 18.

We would send the odd message through Facebook just to check in and we talked a lot for about 3 weeks when her mum was ill and passed away. I did send the odd message after that to see if she was ok but I'd just had a baby so wasn't there as much as I'd like to have been.

Anyway, fast forward to Feb last year and we decided to have a catch up as I had moved back to the area we grew up. Things were good. It was nice to see her. She was having a bit of a tough time with her then BF so I was really supportive and there for her a lot.

They split up in June after a lot of BS. He was (apparently) horrible to her and was still trying to control her. I have to say I never witnessed this personally but I did see messages (never hers though)

Anyway. Me and my partner did what we could for her. We bought her a car because she didn't have one after they split. She was very picky and only wanted a specific car so we spent days and quite a bit of money to get it but she was adamant she was paying back so we didnt mind. We filled the tank for her because she "couldn't afford" petrol. We paid her first 2 installments of her insurance. She couldn't afford food so we bought her shopping. All in all we've loaned her over £2000 as well as gave her kids money because they needed stuff for school etc.

Just before Xmas we gave her £150 as a gift to help her out.

She seems to have a LOT of problems with men. She's basically throwing herself at anyone with a willy. Married, in a relationship or single. It doesn't matter. She always finds "nutters" or "stalkers" and ends up having issues.

The most recent one was being scary aggressive and she wanted our help AGAIN. It's the same as the past few months. She only wants us if she's getting something.

So, a few days ago she wanted us to go to her as she was scared incase the last man came to her house and kicked off. Whilst there she mentioned she had no shopping in or food for the kids. She also mentioned all the nights out she has had this past month.

AIBU to be angry? I feel like I've been conned and I just want to cut her off but she still owes us money. She hasn't gave us 1p back.

What should I do?

No I'm not codependant. I would hope a friend would help me if I had nobody

Well nobody would buy someone they haven’t seen in over a decade a car would they.

Helping is not buying someone a car they cannot afford to run. You’ve actually put your friend in a really bad position here, she cannot afford shopping and yet she’s saddled with a car she can’t afford to repair. And what exactly were you going to do if the aggressive bloke turned up? Did you take your baby along to this shit show while you played the hero?

I’m familiar with this dynamic, my ex used to regularly pull this sort of shit claiming it was because he was so nice and was helping people. After years of watching financial resources being given away, along with bringing dodgy people into our lives then playing the victim, I’d had enough.

I’d be absolutely furious if I was your partner and I’m afraid I don’t buy into the idea you’re a hapless victim. This woman is clearly vulnerable in some way and you’ve put extra financial pressure on someone who is clearly struggling and created some sort of obligation. I think you’ve actually been quite manipulative.

Don’t go around playing the hero then whine about it.

It could end up costing you more if you remain friends with her. There will always be a reason she needs to lend money. She might not have anyone else to turn to because she's taken the piss out of everyone close to her.
Sorry this has happened to you, you sound like a lovely person.

Cut your losses and cut her off

Not your circus not your monkies.

YABU to be so silly.

Focus on fixing yourself because it really isn't wise nor healthy to allow someone to make such a complete mug of you.

Wise up.

When she was being picky about the car should have been warning enough for you.

Here’s another potential way you might get the money back. Do you know her parents? Could you speak to them, saying you’re concerned about this friend and detailing the money? I mean they’ll probably do nothing but they might bail her out or tell her to pay you back.

You should’ve got something in writing re loan for car when you bought it rather than buying and handing it over and I would look at boundaries and why you’ve done this because it’s not normally and is needy.

It might be worth keeping in touch just in case she sees sense.

Years ago I had a friend who was a bit flaky and not sure why but I got a phone contract in my name for her due to bad credit then was worried when she again was a bit flaky but more because she had her own business after being on benefits when she had kids. Luckily she was also DB’s ex, her family knew mine well and thank god she paid me back! I never lent money to her again though and put boundaries in place with other friends. I was being too nice and wanting to help though, I had a good job, no kids etc.

@billy1966

YABU to be so silly.

Focus on fixing yourself because it really isn't wise nor healthy to allow someone to make such a complete mug of you.

Wise up.

When she was being picky about the car should have been warning enough for you.

I agree - she should have been grateful for a 1996 renault clio. Ungrateful bitch

She suckered you guys in good and proper.

Block and delete.

YANBU with some people the more you help them the more they expect.

I can completely see why you have helped her so many times, she was in a violent relationship and her kids haven’t got food - don’t listen to PPs saying you’re a fool. You’re just a decent person.

That being said - You have helped her more than enough now.
If you want to give her a lift or drop off some bread and milk that’s fine but do not lend her any more money or go out of you way to make her life easier.

Does she have any family to help her?

Yup OP, you’ve done a good deed and there’s another saying ‘no good deed goes unpunished’.

I think you do have to accept the money has gone as all the legal routes to get it back are complicated and unlikely to succeed really.
You sound very kind and she’s taken advantage of you. Don’t lose any more money or sleep. You’ve done your best, you can do no more and you might actually be enabling her now. Time to step right back.

Me personally I’d probably have one last go at asking for repayment and saying how frustrated you are before blocking but probably that’s just putting off the inevitable.

OP, I’m not even going to say this this person is exploiting you. The question is why you helped her to do it.

You need to take a long, hard look at your own culpability here. Why have you adopted the saviour role with such whole-hearted enthusiasm? You are just as responsible for this dynamic as she is. Is your self-esteem really so low you need to choose as friends people with significant problems so you can feel needed and like a benefactor? Is this a pattern?

This must be really painful, OP. So sorry your kindness and friendliness have met with this.

You bought her a car?
Why did you not draw up a repayment schedule?
Stop buying her food?
Ask her for the money back?

She is not your friend.

I think OP is getting a hard time here, she was being nice, people do nice things for others in real life, it’s not that unbelievable.
Yes people take advantage of nice people but that doesn’t mean it’s their fault so why so much name calling?

OP it seems from the post that you felt guilty not being there when her mum died and you’re over compensating for that, stop doing this it’s not your fault.

She is taking the piss but that doesn’t mean you’re any of the things people are saying here, honestly don’t stop being a kind person because of this, be careful with your money in future just learn from this, try getting the car back to sell, it’s the only thing I can think of.

Talk to this friend about this too.

Sometimes people find themselves in bad situations.

Sometimes people choose chaos.

Your friend has done the later. You can’t help her. You also won’t be getting your money back. She will just move on to the next person she can try to con into helping her.

can completely see why you have helped her so many times, she was in a violent relationship and her kids haven’t got food - don’t listen to PPs saying you’re a fool. You’re just a decent person

Yes people used to say this sort of shit to my gormless ex and he lapped it up. Because a big part of this do gooding behaviour and interfering is playing the martyr and being told how good they are.

If a parent is struggling and cannot afford food you might help them get in touch with a food bank or apply for benefits. What you don’t do is buy them a car and get them into debt.

That’s not being decent or a good person.

Do people really buy cars for long lost friends because they have split up with their boyfriend. I must be living in a parallel universe, maybe I am not a very generous person, but thinking about even the nicest people I know, I can’t imagine any of them doing that.

I have selected YABU, because I just don’t understand why you put yourself in this position, in fact I find it a bit unbelievable.

@Hertsgirl10

I think OP is getting a hard time here, she was being nice, people do nice things for others in real life, it’s not that unbelievable. Yes people take advantage of nice people but that doesn’t mean it’s their fault so why so much name calling?

OP it seems from the post that you felt guilty not being there when her mum died and you’re over compensating for that, stop doing this it’s not your fault.

She is taking the piss but that doesn’t mean you’re any of the things people are saying here, honestly don’t stop being a kind person because of this, be careful with your money in future just learn from this, try getting the car back to sell, it’s the only thing I can think of.

Talk to this friend about this too.

But the OP needs to examine her own behaviour. Her ‘friend’ is obviously exploitative, poor and troubled, but the only person whose conduct the OP can control is her own.

Not playing the victim here at all so don't understand the hate I'm getting or the name calling?

We had an understanding that once she sorted herself out and pulled herself back together she would pay me back what she could when she could.

I didn't buy a car she couldn't afford to run. Her ex took all the money. She had nothing and no way to get her kids to school etc.. I'm not playing the saviour or hero. I genuinely thought I was helping a friend in need.

Like I stated before, her mother passed away. She's never known her dad and her mothers husband didn't even give her what was supposed to be left to her. She was my best friend for years and I really felt for her.

As for the insinuation that I'm abusive? That's utterly ridiculous. I don't expect and never have expected all of the money back at once. I never held it over her. She said she'd pay back each month once her rent was sorted and I was ok with that.

Maybe subconsciously i had guilt for not being around much after her mother died. I don't know. I supported her the way I could. I was there for her to listen and chat whenever she needed and I had savings to help her out of the situation she was in.

I've never told anyone what we did until now. So im not looking for a medal or praise. My husband isn't angry as he knows exactly why I helped her and he thought I was doing the best I could in the situation.

I think your intentions were good and you’re getting an unfairly hard time. I do wonder how you expected her to be able to repay you £2k though. What did you think was likely to change about her financial situation? The car should have probably been a gift or (imo preferably) not bought at all. Plenty of people manage without cars, and all it’s done is saddle her with a debt she can’t pay and you with a ton of resentment.

I voted YABU for letting it get this far. Sorry OP.

I agree with posters who said if she complains about the car being useless, take the car back (This may well be her way of arguing that she doesn't owe you money for the car by devaluing it - it might not be as bad as she claims) Maybe with a few repairs you can recoup a fair bit. That is the only way you will get any of your money back.

She thinks you are like the Bank of Mum and Dad and will bleed you dry.

no shopping in or food for the kids. She also mentioned all the nights out she has had this past month She knew it would be easier to guilt trip you in person, but ws confident enough in her ability to make you pay up to admit that she'd been out spending money on nights out.. which is why she has no money for housekeeping. Or maybe was just not bothered about your opinion because by now she sees your financial help as her right.
You can't keep bankrolling her when she's clearly not willing to manage her own resources properly
Its sad that you only wanted to help but she has taken advantage.
£2k is a LOT of money to shell out, and on top of that extra £150 for Christmas and additional money for her kids.

As pp have said. Write down what she owes you, ask for it back, (you wont get anything) and tell her that is the last payment you are ever making.
The other priority is that she clearly needs help with not getting involved with a series of dodgy men, particularly as she has kids and if she feels threatened she needs to call Women's Aid or similar for professional advice. She should probably call the police if she's really afraid he will break into the house.
You are not either of those groups and whilst you want to be kind and supportive, if she needs serious help, you need to encourage her to get proper help. Bit at the moment it looks like it is easier for her to keep relying on you. But what about your own priorities?

Very generous of you but so unnecessary. It’s like you’re her parent not friend. Normal would be offering her a room for a few nights. Not a load of cash and a car. She’s a grown woman, right?

Absolutely no more money should be spent. She’s not treating you like a friend… just a cash machine.

YABU.

Why are you only realising this far down the line that buying a car was a bloody stupid idea.

Open your eyes.

WTF is wrong with so many people to put up with absolute jokers??

@LittleOwl153

I would suggest she gives the car back, sell it and take that as the only money you are going g to get back. Then cut contact as she is clearly incapable of managing money and will belld you dry.

This. It’s a shame your generosity has been abused. Who is recorded as the car’s keeper? Can you take it back? If not, you will have to write off the money. Either way it’s time to permanently cut contact. Now that you’re local and have shown what you’re prepared to do to help her she will just keep taking.

I feel very sad for her children.

I don't think you have been a mug!! I think some people on here have had harsh comments tbh.
I have helped a friend out with a car and lent money. It's just that unfortunately for you the friend you helped has taken advantage by not paying back.
Some times people need a helping hand and we do want we can go help there situation but also sadly sometimes they never learn.
My advice is accept that she's taken advantage not that you were silly, stupid, muggy or any other comments!! You're a good person who a friend took the piss out of that's all there is to it.
I would ask her for your money back either by email or text and say you need it back asap, and make it about that you need it, if she's a bad person you'll not hear from her and then you close the book on that friendship sadly. All the best.