Is my "friend" taking the P?

[Cookiecrumble2616]

So.. its a long story but the short(ish) version is this..

About a year ago I reconnected with an old friend. We were best friends for years but lost touch when I moved away at 18.

We would send the odd message through Facebook just to check in and we talked a lot for about 3 weeks when her mum was ill and passed away. I did send the odd message after that to see if she was ok but I'd just had a baby so wasn't there as much as I'd like to have been.

Anyway, fast forward to Feb last year and we decided to have a catch up as I had moved back to the area we grew up. Things were good. It was nice to see her. She was having a bit of a tough time with her then BF so I was really supportive and there for her a lot.

They split up in June after a lot of BS. He was (apparently) horrible to her and was still trying to control her. I have to say I never witnessed this personally but I did see messages (never hers though)

Anyway. Me and my partner did what we could for her. We bought her a car because she didn't have one after they split. She was very picky and only wanted a specific car so we spent days and quite a bit of money to get it but she was adamant she was paying back so we didnt mind. We filled the tank for her because she "couldn't afford" petrol. We paid her first 2 installments of her insurance. She couldn't afford food so we bought her shopping. All in all we've loaned her over £2000 as well as gave her kids money because they needed stuff for school etc.

Just before Xmas we gave her £150 as a gift to help her out.

She seems to have a LOT of problems with men. She's basically throwing herself at anyone with a willy. Married, in a relationship or single. It doesn't matter. She always finds "nutters" or "stalkers" and ends up having issues.

The most recent one was being scary aggressive and she wanted our help AGAIN. It's the same as the past few months. She only wants us if she's getting something.

So, a few days ago she wanted us to go to her as she was scared incase the last man came to her house and kicked off. Whilst there she mentioned she had no shopping in or food for the kids. She also mentioned all the nights out she has had this past month.

AIBU to be angry? I feel like I've been conned and I just want to cut her off but she still owes us money. She hasn't gave us 1p back.

What should I do?

@Butchyrestingface I'm not really rich we just save our money. Maybe it's a good job I'm not I'd probably give it all away 😂

You barely know this woman you were childhood friends and didnt have a relationship for years then youre buying her a car? Im just wow

Cut her off in all ways.

@MarbleQueen

Like I stated before, her mother passed away. She's never known her dad and her mothers husband didn't even give her what was supposed to be left to her. She was my best friend for years and I really felt for her

Knock it off with the best friend crap. You haven’t fucking seen her since you were 18! You didn’t even go and see her when her mum died did you. The friendship was resurrected only because you moved back to the area. It’s actually weird of you to describe her as your best friend.

I didn't buy a car she couldn't afford to run

You’ve blatantly said you’ve bought the kids stuff and she couldn’t afford food. How far from school does she live that she can’t walk there?

A car is a luxury and people who can’t afford food cannot afford services, insurance and car repayments.

@MarbleQueen

WTF …. Wow.

[quote Cookiecrumble26166]@Roosk yeah I have a small group of friends and we have our "couples" friends. I understand that it looks like ive clung on but we really were best friends. We got on great and it just went back to how it was before when we started regularly seeing each other again. I just obviously had guilt for not being there like I should have been when her mother died. I dunno...[/quote]
It’s your sense of guilt I was actually thinking about. What is it you think you should have done differently when her mother died? You said you spent three weeks talking a lot in her mother’s last days — what else could you have done? If I understand rightly, you didn’t even live close to her at that point, and you had a small baby. Plus you had only just reconnected at that point after years — surely she had lots of other support from closer friends?

Is behaving quite this insanely and allowing yourself to be exploited down to misplaced guilt at something you feel you should have done differently? Has anyone suggested you didn’t do enough?

you want to swear and be ignorant I suggest you go somewhere else to do it

I suggest you get your story straight op. You didn’t get her a car she couldn’t afford to run but you paid her insurance and filled the tank up because she couldn’t afford it.

If you want to be a friend to this woman write the money off and have a normal healthy friendship that doesn’t involve creating unhealthy dependence and obligations.

OP, I think some of the replies are very strong because you seem to think this is what friends do for each other, and for most people, it isn't. It's not that we don't love or care for our friends, but we just can't afford to do this for them so it would be a big ask. I would do other things for a friend in this situation, like giving her and her kids somewhere to live while she got on her feet or help out with a bit of shopping or babysitting but I couldn't afford to shell out 2K on a car - especially not one she could afford to run. You do seem to be a bit naive and/or don't have good boundaries and IF that is the case, I would address this, otherwise it will have a very negative long-term impact on your life. And get rid of this 'friend' she is a horrible, horrible person who is taking advantage of you. There is nothing wrong with being a nice person and nothing wrong with helping out decent people but helping out people like her is just throwing good money after bad. She doesn't want help in a tight spot, she wants to use people to make her life easier. She won't change.

Sorry, COULDN'T afford to run!

Anyway OP back to the actual question and not calling you everything for being a nice decent person.

You are well within your rights to be pissed off at her cos she’s been out on nights out and not paying you back anything, of course you can say something to her.

I don’t think you should take much notice of people that can’t even understand the post you wrote and are finding anything to try and be nasty to you.

Don’t stop being a lovely person because of this situation.

Some people just reply to threads for making digs/causing arguments for their own entertainment I think. It really spoils some threads. Sure have a difference of opinion and offer your thoughts but don’t go OTT on the op.

@Cookiecrumble26166 Write off the money (and probably this thread) and maybe if you want to keep the friendship make sure she is aware their is no more cash or handouts and she’s had plenty of time to get a grip. Then see if she still is a friend.

@Rainbowbrite2022

Some people just reply to threads for making digs/causing arguments for their own entertainment I think. It really spoils some threads. Sure have a difference of opinion and offer your thoughts but don’t go OTT on the op.

@Cookiecrumble26166 Write off the money (and probably this thread) and maybe if you want to keep the friendship make sure she is aware their is no more cash or handouts and she’s had plenty of time to get a grip. Then see if she still is a friend.

@Rainbowbrite2022

Agreed.

Must be a slow evening on tattle can always tell the ones that use that site.

Please cut ties. You are not going to get anything back. I have been in the same same situation. These people just take the pee and end up making you bitter. They always have empty cupboards because they prefer a night out over their children's welfare. I took someone to Italy in the hope it would show her what she could do, if she did not spend 100s on drugs every month.

Do you seriously need to ask??

Nobody in their right mind gives this amount of 'help' (cash!) to a very distant friend of this nature...nobody!! I wouldn't even do this for a relative, apart from my own child! Literally...the only two people I'd help with this much cash would be my own children!!

You are seriously bonkers! I have absolutely no sympathy. None 🤷‍♀️

I do hope that you learn from this though. And fast.

Just send her a letter requesting the repayment of bher 2000 pound loan.

Pretty much guarantees you'll never hear from her again. But if she gets in touch, just ask again

You're not friends, you knew each other when you were children. Nothing that has happened since has been part of a normal, sustainable, equal adult friendship. She's used you, you have let her, agin and again, funded her, let her walk all over you and you've kept it going, made it worse, but it has made you feel good so you let it continue. But I'm a helper, I am helping her, she needs me. You both have problems you need to deal with. Red flags, both of you, including your partner for tolerating this.

Those children though. Did you never think of getting her professional help and support for the children?

@dotsandco never once asked for sympathy. And funnily enough I never asked anyone else what they would do. I was asking one question. Am I right to be angry about not getting anything back and finding out accidentally that she's been going out drinking. I helped her because I could. I had the money there. I'm not bothered if I get it back now. I can replace it. I'm just annoyed she said she had nothing but had enough to go out and get drunk. Had I have known she was doing that I wouldn't have helped her like she asked me to.

The OP is on here because she already knows the answer to her question, as is very often the case by the time someone comes into AIBU and asks (but asking in AIBU is asking for 'robust answers'). You know she is. You need to draw a line and stop now. You tried to help and went past generous for reasons of your own and it's not been enough for her. I agree with the posters who suggest the nod and agree with sympathy thing when she has problems, but do not try to fix her life. Only she can do that.

I had a friend like this, it wasn't all in one go and the drip, drip, drip of money for lunch, days out when she couldn't quite afford it would have added up over the years. Plus she was emotionally abusive and I know the word narcissist is thrown around a lot I suspect there are more people with traits than the unwary would believe but if you google 'covert narcissist' she ticked off every single thing on the list. I always felt I owed her, she manipulated the situation so that feeling remained. Long story short - she crossed a line one time too many, lied about me behind my back and we were done.

Two years later another friend was having a hard time. In temporary accommodation as a single parent and heading for divorce. She was fretting about not being able to feed her kids. The group cobbled together about £150-200, bearing in mind there were other single parents and those with children with life-limiting illnesses in this group. She seemed really thankful, but about twenty minutes later jumped off and said she'd better be going - her tattoo appointment was in ten minutes.

We literally paid for her tattoo. That was the last time I did anything financial to help her, and I think the same was true for the others. You are paying for her evenings out. Do you like her enough to give up your hard-earned disposable income to fund that?

@OakRowan you really don't know anything do you? I didn't do it to make me feel good. I did it because she asked for help and I was in a position to help her. It's that simple.

OP you sound lovely, very sweet and very caring. I wish the world was full of more people more like you and the others on this thread willing to help out you gave your friend a LOT of help and were extremely generous. I am sorry that she was such an ungrateful, entitled shit 💩 sadly for all the lovelies like yourself there are many cheeky taker turds like her. Just wanted to say that in future maybe have stronger boundaries regarding whom you help and how but do not change your spirit or generosity of heart it is what makes the world beautiful. X

No, you misunderstand. You've kept her in that position OP, by helping her too much, you've made it worse, for both of you. She has taken advantage, certainly, but you have enabled her dysfunction, strengthened it for her. She can only help herself, you are making her more helpless, dependant on you, needier. It is damaging both of you.

@Cookiecrumble2616 you sound like an amazing friend but there's no doubt you and your partner are massively naive and/or complete and utter doormats. Grow a backbone and tackle her on her BS.

Its an emotionally abusive relationship in both directions and you need to protect yourself from this in future. It isn't helping her kids to have her depending on you, she is their mother and needs to start acting like it. Helping her too much prevents this.

She shouldn't have asked you for so much help, its wildly inappropriate.