Is my "friend" taking the P?

[Cookiecrumble2616]

So.. its a long story but the short(ish) version is this..

About a year ago I reconnected with an old friend. We were best friends for years but lost touch when I moved away at 18.

We would send the odd message through Facebook just to check in and we talked a lot for about 3 weeks when her mum was ill and passed away. I did send the odd message after that to see if she was ok but I'd just had a baby so wasn't there as much as I'd like to have been.

Anyway, fast forward to Feb last year and we decided to have a catch up as I had moved back to the area we grew up. Things were good. It was nice to see her. She was having a bit of a tough time with her then BF so I was really supportive and there for her a lot.

They split up in June after a lot of BS. He was (apparently) horrible to her and was still trying to control her. I have to say I never witnessed this personally but I did see messages (never hers though)

Anyway. Me and my partner did what we could for her. We bought her a car because she didn't have one after they split. She was very picky and only wanted a specific car so we spent days and quite a bit of money to get it but she was adamant she was paying back so we didnt mind. We filled the tank for her because she "couldn't afford" petrol. We paid her first 2 installments of her insurance. She couldn't afford food so we bought her shopping. All in all we've loaned her over £2000 as well as gave her kids money because they needed stuff for school etc.

Just before Xmas we gave her £150 as a gift to help her out.

She seems to have a LOT of problems with men. She's basically throwing herself at anyone with a willy. Married, in a relationship or single. It doesn't matter. She always finds "nutters" or "stalkers" and ends up having issues.

The most recent one was being scary aggressive and she wanted our help AGAIN. It's the same as the past few months. She only wants us if she's getting something.

So, a few days ago she wanted us to go to her as she was scared incase the last man came to her house and kicked off. Whilst there she mentioned she had no shopping in or food for the kids. She also mentioned all the nights out she has had this past month.

AIBU to be angry? I feel like I've been conned and I just want to cut her off but she still owes us money. She hasn't gave us 1p back.

What should I do?

I disagree totally with the poster that £2000 is a cheap lesson to be learned 😲 but I do agree with the poster that suggested taking the car back and selling it for scrap. Obviously dump the friend, she sounds like drama personified.

It’s not normal to do this sort of thing for someone you haven’t seen for years. You were extremely foolish to have gone over there playing the bodyguard regarding some aggressive bloke. Why didn’t you tell her to call the police?

What were you getting out of all this fixing and rescuing?

Are you codependent?

I personally think that you've done enough. Write off the debt, she's never going to have to money to repay you and you didn't have a contract. I'd forget it and move on. I'd ignore any messages from her too. Stop helping her out, it's ridiculous. She's an adult so she deals with it. If she's struggling then she needs to contact social services.

You bought her A CAR. That is completely crazy. Most people wouldn't even buy a car for a family member, but you bought one for a random chaotic woman you were semi estranged from for years. This is not normal.

Why did you do that OP? Did you feel guilty, or want to be a hero, or feel like she'd love you more if you did it?

The problem here is not really your friend; she's clearly a hot mess of a person and a user. The problem is your judgement.

Take the car back, sell it to recoup as much money as you can from it, then really consider why you allowed someone to take advantage of your generosity to this extent.

I also voted YABU for letting her take the piss.You bought her a CAR?! For someone you were friends with in your teens and have only just got to know again? Blimey, she saw you coming didn't she!

Think you might have to write off the money, cut and run. The saying goes never to lend to family and friends with the expectation of getting it back - only lend if you can afford to lose the money. She’s sadly using you, and I would step back and stop answering her calls or messages. No good deed goes unpunished I’m afraid. She sounds toxic.

Do you know what? No good deed goes unpunished is such a true saying. You did this with the best intentions which shows how kind you are but unfortunately some people aren't able to learn or improve when they are helped. They will continue to repeat the same mistakes, same behaviors. They will continue to drain others around them. Your friend is one of them.

Learn from this yourself and pause before you dive in to help, consider what the end result might be in future before you invest in such 'friends'. I say that as someone who has done the same. Save yourself the pain.

Yes your friend is taking the piss, but you are letting her. If you don't need the money back write it off and go no contact...she will find someone else to take the piss out of

We were friends for 16 years. We've stayed in touch but not all the time. We would have catch up calls but didn't actually see each other.

No I'm not codependant. I would hope a friend would help me if I had nobody.

I agree thought, I could've judged the situation better. I just wanted to help someone that was struggling. More for her kids than anything else. I wasn't trying to be the hero or anything.

However, I take all the criticism as I know I've fooked up.

You’ve been pretty silly OP but you know that.
Unfortunately you wont be seeing any of that money back even if you take legal action (assuming you have proof).
Just block her and move on with your life now

Cut her out.

I don't see the point in staying friends to get the money back because it won't happen. It could take years and you're just going to get more and more wound up.

I'd send her a message saying that you're hurt that you've helped her financially but she's still going out all the time. Therefore you are going no contact for now but still expect the money to be paid back.

If you'd still like to stay friends with her I'd suggest a chat where you tell her you're concerned that she's not making good choices in life, be that the men she's hooking up with or the decisions she's making re: going out vs feeding herself/her kids. She may react badly and tell you to mind your own business. In which case you can say that, as someone who she owes money to and who she drags into her drama, it is your business. Or she may know you're right and just need the tough love to help her see it.

Unfortunately, as others have said, it's unlikely she'll ever repay you. I also have a hunch that, once you call her out, she'll drop you like a stone.

I can't even begin to understand why you'd buy a car for someone you hardly know. That's bizarre.

I don't even know that she's taking the P because you're the one doing all this stuff. It's not as though she's taking advantage or tricking you. You're actively spending money on her and supporting her.

You should be annoyed at yourself.

Wow! She saw you coming!

Just stop! Block her if you have to.

Are you quite mad, OP? Honestly, you set yourself up entirely for this.

Cut your losses. Block and walk away.

she wont pay you back your money but then you should have known that ages ago

As far as hardly knowing her that's wrong. Also I had no clue she was going out. She slipped up and told me. Had I known that she would've never got another penny off me. If she can afford to go out she can afford food for her kids.

So as far as not tricking me I can't agree with that either.

I am annoyed at myself though. I'm aware I was too soft and couldn't see kids going without even though they're not my responsibility. Lesson learned.

Another one who’ll learn the hard way not be nice to people! I learnt the hard way too.

You’ve been kind but then it turned into being a total mug. She’s spending money on nights out not food for kids?!

No one buys a car for a friend. Gestures that generous actually tend to ruin friendships because of the envy/guilt/sense of obligation vibe.

This may have been a friendship once but it isn’t any more. Take a step back.

Have you got a lot of money OP? It’s a bit odd that you would buy her a car, pay her insurance for 2 months and give her £150.

If you no longer want to be bank of Cookiecrumble2616 cut your losses and cut her off.

Write the money off as a charitable donation.
Learn the sympathetic nod and 'That does sound tough.'
Set boundaries and encourage her CV/job seeking/online courses whatever you see she could benefit by.
You are clearly a decent and compassionate woman. Withdraw your time and energy to a level which suits YOU.

£2000 is a lot of money to loose.

She’s using you. You’ve been very generous to her.

The only way probably to get the money back now is small claims court. You can do it all online now (and don’t actually have to go to court). We did it to obtain money from an ex employer (and won).

If I remember, you have to send a letter (traceable) requesting the money and to give a time limit to pay up. Once that period is up, you submit the claim. There may be an initial fee which you will get back.

Once you’ve won the case, if they don’t pay, you can escalate it a stage to get the money back.

small claims

It was a fairly easy process.

And don’t give anything more! Her life is not your responsibility!