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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being an unreasonable friend to retract my invitation to an event?

220 replies

CountryGirl17 · 10/01/2022 15:42

Hi. I wonder if you can help me? I would like to know if I am being reasonable or not. Last week, my brother offered me two free tickets to go to the theatre yesterday evening as he couldn’t go. I will be reimbursing my brother in some way for the ‘free’ tickets as a thank you.

I live in the Midlands and the theatre is in London. On Friday, I text my friend who lives in the same town as me and invited her to come along with me. I had in mind that it would have been nice to go together and have pre theatre dinner and drinks. As it would take a few hours to get to London and park etc. going earlier in my mind is better than just going for the performance.

My friend accepted the invitation, only by needing to know if she could get a lift home and that she told me to meet her at the door of the theatre at 7.30pm. This threw me a little, as I was a bit confused by this as I had assumed, we would be travelling down together. However, after a series of texts, I then realised that she was already out in London with friends and had made dinner plans with them on Sunday. So, instead of getting a lift back with them, she would need to get a lift back with me after the performance. Essentially extending her time and mini break in the city. I did press her three times to see if we could meet earlier, so I could get more out of the evening, but she couldn’t. She could only meet me at the door. Eating or travelling alone wasn’t what I had in mind! But, that’s not the end of the world in reality.

However, this left me feeling rather disappointed. I had wanted to spend good quality time with my friend. If I’d have known that she was busy with other people, then I wouldn’t have invited her in the first place and seen her another day. Or better still, before she accepted the invite, I wished that she’d explained her plans before to see if that was okay by me. She essentially accepted the ticket, regardless of what I had in mind for the night and I was having to fall in line with her plans, by meeting her at the theatre. It just didn’t feel right to me.

I know that I would have been driving to London anyway, but from my perspective, it just felt odd to meet her at the door. I also wasn’t getting the full benefit from the theatre experience, but my friend was – she was having the pre dinner and drinks with friends before, then seeing me at a time to suit her, getting the free ticket and the lift home. It just felt more convenient for her than me. It just meant also that I was driving down to London on my own, paying for the fuel and parking to only get 2.5 hours in the theatre with my friend. It just didn’t seem worth my time or effort, given that I live nowhere near London. I was debating in my mind whether it was worth having the tickets and giving them back to my brother.

I then had to bite the bullet. I said on text in a polite way that I recognised that she was busy this weekend and I’d invite someone else instead. Explaining that ‘just’ meeting at the door wasn’t what I had in mind for us. She wasn’t happy with me and was thrilled initially to get the tickets. So, I invited another friend, who ended up paying for the parking and dinner to say thank you.

My friend wasn’t happy that I’d retracted the invite. But am I in the right or wrong? Should I have just gone along with what suited her and met her at the door like she wanted, regardless of what I had in mind? I hate falling out with friends but I feel that she accepted the ticket without thinking of me, who was giving her the ticket.

In hindsight, to have met my original friend at 7.30pm (then go through all the Covid checks), we may have missed the first half as the doors to the auditorium were closed and everyone was seated by 7.15pm. As the tickets my brother gave to me were second row the front in the stalls, this is a further reason why we wouldn’t have been allowed in due to the disruption – this I know only in hindsight.

Was I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Flowersandhearts · 10/01/2022 15:52

I don't think you're being unreasonable. Your friend probably had an inkling that you were thinking of going to the play after going out for dinner first as it's a long drive to London from the Midlands. As you say, it wouldn't have worked out anyway.

You were very straightforward in your explanation (I would have been tempted to pretend I was ill and needed to cancel instead!) and dealt with the situation assertively. I think what you did was fine!

ThePlantsitter · 10/01/2022 16:00

I think it was fine too. If you'd been in London anyway or she'd asked if you wanted to join her & friends for dinner etc that would be different, but you weren't and she didn't. I think you were quite straightforward and clear.

5128gap · 10/01/2022 16:02

You're completely in the right. I would have done the same, and would also have understood had I been your friend. Glad you had a nice evening with a friend who was considerate.

PissedOffNeighbour22 · 10/01/2022 16:03

No, perfectly reasonable of you. A lot of effort on your part to get little out of it. I think your friend was cheeky to accept without explaining her circumstances.

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/01/2022 16:05

Your friend was being a cheeky fucker. The only time she'd be spending with you was the interval and the drive home - hardly relaxed quality time! And yes, she was treating you as a convenience and completely overlooking what constitutes a nice night out at the theatre. Well, she'd be getting the pre-theatre drinks and dinner, but no thought as to you.

You were not being unreasonable in the least. When you invited her, she should have told you she was busy, in London with friends and regretfully declined. Or, she could have rearranged her dinner plans, said goodbye to her friends early Sunday before meeting you for drinks dinner and theatre and a lift home. But no, she wanted to have everything whilst giving nothing. Cheeky fucker.

Lindaloo08 · 10/01/2022 16:05

Had you said to her you wanted to have dinner etc. as you've said "in my mind" a couple of times?

secreteatingteen · 10/01/2022 16:05

I think you're ok. I can see why she was bit miffed, but that's just her being annoyed she can't have her cake and eat it, if you see what I mean. I can see more why you wanted to make an afternoon/evening of it and not just have her rock up at the theatre.

Figgygal · 10/01/2022 16:06

Your friend was cheeky accepting

WheelieBinPrincess · 10/01/2022 16:07

No, and good on you, I’d have done the same.

What did you see?

rosiebl · 10/01/2022 16:08

Your friend is a CF. She definitely wanted to get the best of everything and was happy to 'use' you for a free ticket and a ride home. Your message to her was straightforward and called out what your expectations of the trip were. Glad you took another friend.

JeSuis · 10/01/2022 16:09

Yanbu. I totally understand why you did that and you were straightforward with her.

Justcallmebebes · 10/01/2022 16:10

I don't think you were unreasonable at all but your friend is. Who wants to drive to London, see a show and drive straight back. Pre-theatre dinner and drinks is surely part of the experience

WheelieBinPrincess · 10/01/2022 16:10

It’s great to br this straightforward IMO but a lot of people aren’t used to it. If you’d not spoken up you’d have had a rubbish time and potentially missed the show.

ShirleyPhallus · 10/01/2022 16:11

I’d love to know what the exact wording of the invitation was, you said that “in your mind” you’d go for dinner - were you explicit that the plan would be drive down > dinner > show? If you just said “I have tickets to the theatre do you want to come” then she WNBU by accepting as you weren’t clear that you wanted to share driving / go for dinner etc.

Bit nuts to drive to London for the theatre but that’s a separate point! Wink

KrisAkabusi · 10/01/2022 16:12

I'm in a minority here, but I think you were unreasonable. You offered her a theatre ticket and she accepted. You never said that your offer had strings attached - she had to have dinner and drinks with you. So she accepted what she thought was being offered, you then told her her actions weren't good enough and you withdrew the ticket. That's not nice and I can understand your friend being miffed.

Inastatus · 10/01/2022 16:12

YANBU. Your friend should have explained her situation and checked that it was ok with you before accepting the invitation.

errnerrcallnernnernnern · 10/01/2022 16:16

You absolutely 100% did the right thing.

I was rooting for you and was so pleased when you said you retracted the offer and went with a different friend.

Of course your friend is not happy you asserted your boundaries. Is she usually like this?

BooksAndGin · 10/01/2022 16:19

YANBU, your friend is being a CF.

Glad you took another friend

Fusillage · 10/01/2022 16:20

Sorry - I am completely the other way around. The tickets were totally last minute so it was not to some long standing arrangement with an old friend, you invited her on Friday for Sunday to fill a gap and when she said she could only do the show you kept trying to make her rearrange her plans! I can see you would have wanted a nice evening though so if you are good enough friends she should have accept you saying that you would prefer to find someone else who could do all of it.

mrsm43s · 10/01/2022 16:21

I think I must be in a different world to everyone else, because I think YWBU.

If you had invited her to dinner, drinks and the theatre and she had accepted, but then bailed on you for dinner and drinks, then you would have been reasonable to have rescinded the invitation.

But you asked her to the theatre only. She accepted the theatre only. You then retracted your offer and chose to go with someone else instead! This is really rude!

You should have communicated your "terms" for offering your friend the ticket at the start. Not just have assumed stuff "in your mind" and then retracted the invitation when she failed to read your mind correctly!

gogohm · 10/01/2022 16:21

All depends on what you put on the original email, did you mention going early and getting dinner or did you just say theatre at 7.30?

Yes she sounds a bit cheeky but if you didn't mention the extra information she might not have realised

errnerrcallnernnernnern · 10/01/2022 16:21

@Fusillage I can't see where OP tried to make her friend re-arrange her plans?

RightOnTheEdge · 10/01/2022 16:22

YANBU to want to make more of an experience of it and go with someone else.

I think though that you should have said
"Would you like to go to London for dinner and the theatre with me?" up front then she could have told you she was already having dinner with other people and you could have said that's a shame I'll ask someone else.

You said "in my mind" and "what I had in mind" a few times. Maybe you both should have communicated a bit better in the first place.

TheDivineOddity · 10/01/2022 16:22

YANBU at all, you dealt with the situation perfectly and in an assertive and classy manner.
Your friend should have either declined the tickets or invited you along to the pre theatre dinner and drinks event.
Well done op.

errnerrcallnernnernnern · 10/01/2022 16:25

Also OP, I'm guessing when you've made similar trips before, you travelled down together and had dinner?

If yes, she is being unreasonable to be upset you with you.

And I bet she wouldn't have re-imbursed you for half the cost of the petrol as it was just one way for her.