Am I being an unreasonable friend to retract my invitation to an event?

[CountryGirl17]

Hi. I wonder if you can help me? I would like to know if I am being reasonable or not. Last week, my brother offered me two free tickets to go to the theatre yesterday evening as he couldn’t go. I will be reimbursing my brother in some way for the ‘free’ tickets as a thank you.

I live in the Midlands and the theatre is in London. On Friday, I text my friend who lives in the same town as me and invited her to come along with me. I had in mind that it would have been nice to go together and have pre theatre dinner and drinks. As it would take a few hours to get to London and park etc. going earlier in my mind is better than just going for the performance.

My friend accepted the invitation, only by needing to know if she could get a lift home and that she told me to meet her at the door of the theatre at 7.30pm. This threw me a little, as I was a bit confused by this as I had assumed, we would be travelling down together. However, after a series of texts, I then realised that she was already out in London with friends and had made dinner plans with them on Sunday. So, instead of getting a lift back with them, she would need to get a lift back with me after the performance. Essentially extending her time and mini break in the city. I did press her three times to see if we could meet earlier, so I could get more out of the evening, but she couldn’t. She could only meet me at the door. Eating or travelling alone wasn’t what I had in mind! But, that’s not the end of the world in reality.

However, this left me feeling rather disappointed. I had wanted to spend good quality time with my friend. If I’d have known that she was busy with other people, then I wouldn’t have invited her in the first place and seen her another day. Or better still, before she accepted the invite, I wished that she’d explained her plans before to see if that was okay by me. She essentially accepted the ticket, regardless of what I had in mind for the night and I was having to fall in line with her plans, by meeting her at the theatre. It just didn’t feel right to me.

I know that I would have been driving to London anyway, but from my perspective, it just felt odd to meet her at the door. I also wasn’t getting the full benefit from the theatre experience, but my friend was – she was having the pre dinner and drinks with friends before, then seeing me at a time to suit her, getting the free ticket and the lift home. It just felt more convenient for her than me. It just meant also that I was driving down to London on my own, paying for the fuel and parking to only get 2.5 hours in the theatre with my friend. It just didn’t seem worth my time or effort, given that I live nowhere near London. I was debating in my mind whether it was worth having the tickets and giving them back to my brother.

I then had to bite the bullet. I said on text in a polite way that I recognised that she was busy this weekend and I’d invite someone else instead. Explaining that ‘just’ meeting at the door wasn’t what I had in mind for us. She wasn’t happy with me and was thrilled initially to get the tickets. So, I invited another friend, who ended up paying for the parking and dinner to say thank you.

My friend wasn’t happy that I’d retracted the invite. But am I in the right or wrong? Should I have just gone along with what suited her and met her at the door like she wanted, regardless of what I had in mind? I hate falling out with friends but I feel that she accepted the ticket without thinking of me, who was giving her the ticket.

In hindsight, to have met my original friend at 7.30pm (then go through all the Covid checks), we may have missed the first half as the doors to the auditorium were closed and everyone was seated by 7.15pm. As the tickets my brother gave to me were second row the front in the stalls, this is a further reason why we wouldn’t have been allowed in due to the disruption – this I know only in hindsight.

Was I being unreasonable?

She was given a free ticket and not giving anything back to say thanks

Out of interest OP, you were given two free tickets, what did you give back to say thanks?

I wouldnt make a gesture and expect something in return personally, a gift with strings isn't much of a gift.

Where you were unreasonable is inviting her "to the show." Had you said, "I have tickets to a show. I'd love to have dinner and drinks with you, then take you to the show as my guest," this could so easily have been avoided. Next time, state your thoughts and plans clearly from the outset. I hope your friendship hasn't been irrevocably damaged do to your own oversight. Your friend simply took you at your word, not being a mind-reader.

Hhm I think if someone were to approach me last minute to attend something I would be less likely to expect the niceties to be possible and rather see it as preventing the tickets from going to waste.

To me it's just not the same as choosing the tickets together, months in advance and planning the evening. This is I have the opportunity to grab these and am looking for someone to say yep they can make it to enable me to go.

I think you are unreasonable to expect without communicating whag you saw this evening of being. It should have been discussed straight off thst you had the tickets wanted to make the most of the trip and head over early eat etc. Its only 10 seconds more conversation or 1 extra written line and your friend would then have had the chance to reply ah sorry I have plans and can only make the theatre.

Shouldn't ruin a friendship though, just explain your point of view and why you've chosen someone else.

There’s a gift with strings and a basic transaction like a Fb selling site which is what was friend had in mind. If someone gives you a gift it doesn’t come with strings but it should come with gratitude and appreciation. Not, put the ticket in my hand at exactly show time, silence until interval and you get to drive me home now too.

I think it's more rude to invite a person not known to the others to a long standing dinner invitation, than it is to say yes to a theatre invite with the intention of turning up at the theatre as asked.

Granted arriving at 730 for a 730 show won't work, but I have to say I'm on team friend. She got an invite to a show and said yes to it. She was then quizzed about her dinner plans - with the express intention of OP coming along - and then eventually dumped as OP wanted companionship for the drive down and pre theatre dinner, none of which was communicated in initial invite.

@rookiemere

I don't think any of that matters

OP invited friend to theatre but then friend said she couldn't meet til later by the door after last entry as she hadn't said she was already busy that night

OP cleared it up quite quickly with follow up texts, so she DID say

A friend in same town far outside London asking me if I wanted to do theatre evening with her as she had tickets would make me assume she anticipated we'd travel together. Not that I could meet her after event started and get a lift home from my arrangements I already had that night. It doesn't matter what first text communicated as OP was clear quickly in follow up. So she had every right to say "ah you're just already so I'll go with someone else as it wasn't what I had in mind and won't work"

@verytiredofbeingshoutedat fair enough if OPs second response was "ah ok you're in London was hoping to get someone to drive down with me, ok if we leave it and I ask x?", instead there seemed to be more texts essentially OP trying to get invited to her friends pre theatre dinner.

Now OP thinks friend has let her down, and it's just a bit sad if a friendship is lost over what seems to me to be a clear miscommunication mostly on OPs side.

more rude to invite a person not known to the others to a long standing dinner invitation
This really depends on who you're meeting. A one-on-one catch-up and it at least needs checking with the other person. For groups of friends, clearly some are social and kind, while others aren't. My friends would merrily welcome an extra friend, in fact that's how many of them joined the group in the first place. Obviously some people don't; someone above even bitchily described inviting OP as "a randomer", so not knowing the right people turns a friend into a worthless nobody to that one!

essentially OP trying to get invited to her friends pre theatre dinner
Ah no, you made this one up. Other posters suggested it might have been nice for the friend to have invited OP to dinner.

My friends would merrily welcome an extra friend, in fact that's how many of them joined the group in the first place. Obviously some people don't; someone above even bitchily described inviting OP as "a randomer", so not knowing the right people turns a friend into a worthless nobody to that one!

I disagree - the OPs friend is on a weekend break with friends, you don't just bring an extra person into an existing group without at least first consulting them. If it was a one off meal then it might be different but this was a group on holiday together.

Also the Sunday evening meal was presumably their last planned event of the weekend before they all went home, so Iif ot was my friends and I it would be our "last hurrah" and would be full of gossiping, chatting about stuff we had done, giggling about stupid things at least one of us had done and/or said over the weekend and generally topping off a great time away. If someone brought a stranger into that last meal it would totally change the dynamic and would definitely put a dampner on the meal of we felt like we had to keep including this new person or explaining things.

Also I don't think it's bitchy to call the OP a randomer in this scenario - if you have an established group and someone brings a person you don't know then they are, for all intents and purposes, a random stranger to everyone else.

I apologise as on rereading OPs posts she didn't suggest getting invited to the meal.

I was recently in London and met some friends I went to school with many years ago. In that case an additional person would totally have spoilt our reminiscing and catching up.

In reading the points of view and thank you all for your contributions. I acknowledge that I was, on the surface, unfair to retract the invitation. If that happened to me, I’d be upset. So, I accept that, in some way, I was wrong.

However, my frustration was that the show started at 7:30pm and my friend was not able to meet earlier.

If I had stuck to the plan that my friend agreed to (to be fair on her), we would either; 1) both miss the first half of the performance, 2) we’d arrive late in the auditorium or 3) I’d be sat alone in the auditorium for the first half until she arrived, if she was late. There was no contingency.

If I’m travelling to London from the Midlands, is it therefore okay for me to risk missing half of the performance, in order to keep it fair for my friend? If she could have met me at the door at 6:30pm or 7pm (for example) to go through all the Covid checks, have a drink and then found our seats, I’d be happy with that. I would NOT have expected to dine with her friends.

I wasn’t happy with meeting at the time the curtain went up at the start of the performance. My tickets were two rows from the front and no way would it be polite to be noticeably late in front of the audience and performers on stage. That is, if the ushers allowed us in.

If I’m giving my friend a free theatre experience and going to the expense of travelling there, would it not be polite for my friend to meet me just a little bit earlier and been slightly flexible? After all, it’s a 6 hour round trip for 2.5hrs in the theatre (less time if I missed the first half).

Am I still being reasonable or unreasonable?

It entirely depends on how fixed the 7.30 was.

If someone said to me "I have tickets for the 7.30 showing of X, do you want to come with me?" and I had other plans beforehand I might just automatically say "I'm busy earlier but I can meet you at the theatre at 7.30" meaning that at 7.30 we would be in our seats, so actually meeting a bit earlier, but for the sake of an initial conversation where I knew I couldn't meet a huge amount of time earlier, I'd use the 7.30 as almost short hand for "just before the show starts with enough time to be in our seats before curtain up but not early enough to do drinks before the show"

If she isn't a regular theatre goer she may not realise that a 7.30 show means curtain up at 7.30, not that the doors open at 7.30, and she may not have been aware of how long the extra covid checks were taking so she may have thought it was like the cinema where the 7.30 showing means turn up at 7.30 and then the show starts at 7 45. She also may have just meant that she would meet you at the theatre but it would be just before the show started not a couple of hours in advance.

If I offered a friend a theatre ticket and they said "I can only meet you at 7.30" my first response would be "We have to be in our seats by 7.30 and with the extra covid checks we need to be there a bit earlier. Can you be there by 7?" If they replied that they could be there by 7 then that would be fine, if they said "Sorry, 7.30 is the earliest I can be there" then I would have no issue saying "Unfortunately I am not willing to risk missing the start of the show if you can't guarantee you can be there before 7.30 so I'm going to offer the ticket to someone else for the show"

*KrisAkabusi

I'm in a minority here, but I think you were unreasonable. You offered her a theatre ticket and she accepted. You never said that your offer had strings attached - she had to have dinner and drinks with you. So she accepted what she thought was being offered, you then told her her actions weren't good enough and you withdrew the ticket. That's not nice and I can understand your friend being miffed.*

This. I think that, if dinner/drinks was part of the package you should have been up front about it. However, although I can see why she's miffed I think it was ok to say "actually that doesnt work for me" and withdraw the invite. I just think you owe her an apology.

First things first - no, YWNBU to retract the invite as she couldn't get there in time and it would have meant you either missing at leat half an hour of the show or watching the start of the show alone. Askinf someone else was not unreasonable

Everything else in your post however, is completely unreasonable. Very very unreasonable.

To summarise - you're upset and a annoyed because a friend that you contacted didn't change her plans and her weekend away with friends to suit your needs? Is that about right?

Said friend was already in London. Said friend already had dinner plans. Said friend told you 3 times that she couldn't meet for dinner and couldn't be there at 730. As I used to tell my DC - asking the same question multiple times is annoying, rude, childish, churlish and does not usually result in a different response to the first time the question was asked.

Was this friend supposed to intuitively know what you had envisaged? Why didn't you simply say - up front after she said she couldn't meet for dinner - that you hadn't realised she had plans, you'd asked her thinking you'd travel down together and have dinner and get to the show with plenty of time to queue, compete necessary covid requirements and not miss any of the performance and that, unfortunately, regardless of driving down together and having dinner, 730 was simply too late and you'd ask someone else.

No hard feelings. No upset.

Mostly, the fact that you expected some form of recompense and gratitude (ie doing what you said when you said and how you said) from a friend is very telling to what sort of person you are and how you see the world and 'friends'. She didn't owe you anything. She didn't ask you to invite her. She was on a weekend away having a lovely time, presumably.

You come across as an unreasonable demanding person who can't see beyond the end of their nose, their own needs and expects people to fall in line.

YANBU

TBH If I were the friend who accepted, I'd have accepted with the caveat that I wouldn't be able to get there until 7:30, basically leaving you open to say no. Because I'd realise that wasn't ideal. Even if you didn't want to make a dinner and drinks evening of it, it's still not ideal as it's cutting it very close.

You come across as an unreasonable demanding person who can't see beyond the end of their nose, their own needs and expects people to fall in line.

Really? You don't think being offered £225's worth of free ticket leaves you with a tiny bit of obligation to fit in with the wishes of the donor - or at the very least, be a bit more considerate of their circumstances ie the long journey to get to the theatre and the fact that going to the theatre is a whole experience in itself, more than just, say, meeting for a coffee?

Don't listen to anyone who says you were being unreasonable, you absolutely were not and you did the right thing. I would have retracted the invite as details emerged. You were being used for a free ticket and a free lift home, end of. Steer clear of that person from now on, true colours have been shown.

MadMadaMim I so completely disagree with you. Half your post describes exactly what the OP did, anyway. The OP’s friend should have been upfront that she already had plans and was already in London and given the OP chance to retract her offer, but she didn’t because knew it wasn’t ideal but she wanted a free grabby ticket anyway.

If I’m giving my friend a free theatre experience and going to the expense of travelling there, would it not be polite for my friend to meet me just a little bit earlier and been slightly flexible? After all, it’s a 6 hour round trip for 2.5hrs in the theatre (less time if I missed the first half)

Perhaps she simply couldn’t be flexible without being rude to others; she was already in London and might have had plans with her group of friends that evening. Perhaps a reservation somewhere. Should she dump the friends early in order to meet someone else for a spur of the moment theatre show?

She didn’t ASK to come with you, she was offered a ticket and probably didn’t realise 7:30 meant she needed to be seated by then. Maybe she thought you had nobody else to go with and was trying to be nice by accompanying you. I guess she assumed you’d be coming to London anyway so your travel time and journey wasn’t her concern, if it crossed her mind at all? You’d be making the 6 hour round trip for your own benefit not hers, surely?

She obviously had her journey home sorted and kindly agreed to change her plans to keep you company in the theatre. Then you went away and thought about it, realised 7:30 didn’t suit you and decided to mess her around by withdrawing the offer, so she had to re-make her plans for that evening and getting home? Plans that she’d changed once to try and accommodate you.

You seem to view the ‘free theatre experience’ and ‘expense of travelling’ as a gift to your friend, when really it was a last minute offer, to save tickets going to waste.

At least that’s how it comes across. You wanted her to rearrange the last night of her trip to suit you, and wanted her to be grateful for the ticket and show that gratitude by being flexible and contributing to expenses?

Sorry but I'm mostly with your friend on this. Had you had dinner & drinks in mind as well as the performance then you should've framed it as that! You can't retract an invite just because they can't then do what you demand in addition to what you invited them to!