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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being an unreasonable friend to retract my invitation to an event?

220 replies

CountryGirl17 · 10/01/2022 15:42

Hi. I wonder if you can help me? I would like to know if I am being reasonable or not. Last week, my brother offered me two free tickets to go to the theatre yesterday evening as he couldn’t go. I will be reimbursing my brother in some way for the ‘free’ tickets as a thank you.

I live in the Midlands and the theatre is in London. On Friday, I text my friend who lives in the same town as me and invited her to come along with me. I had in mind that it would have been nice to go together and have pre theatre dinner and drinks. As it would take a few hours to get to London and park etc. going earlier in my mind is better than just going for the performance.

My friend accepted the invitation, only by needing to know if she could get a lift home and that she told me to meet her at the door of the theatre at 7.30pm. This threw me a little, as I was a bit confused by this as I had assumed, we would be travelling down together. However, after a series of texts, I then realised that she was already out in London with friends and had made dinner plans with them on Sunday. So, instead of getting a lift back with them, she would need to get a lift back with me after the performance. Essentially extending her time and mini break in the city. I did press her three times to see if we could meet earlier, so I could get more out of the evening, but she couldn’t. She could only meet me at the door. Eating or travelling alone wasn’t what I had in mind! But, that’s not the end of the world in reality.

However, this left me feeling rather disappointed. I had wanted to spend good quality time with my friend. If I’d have known that she was busy with other people, then I wouldn’t have invited her in the first place and seen her another day. Or better still, before she accepted the invite, I wished that she’d explained her plans before to see if that was okay by me. She essentially accepted the ticket, regardless of what I had in mind for the night and I was having to fall in line with her plans, by meeting her at the theatre. It just didn’t feel right to me.

I know that I would have been driving to London anyway, but from my perspective, it just felt odd to meet her at the door. I also wasn’t getting the full benefit from the theatre experience, but my friend was – she was having the pre dinner and drinks with friends before, then seeing me at a time to suit her, getting the free ticket and the lift home. It just felt more convenient for her than me. It just meant also that I was driving down to London on my own, paying for the fuel and parking to only get 2.5 hours in the theatre with my friend. It just didn’t seem worth my time or effort, given that I live nowhere near London. I was debating in my mind whether it was worth having the tickets and giving them back to my brother.

I then had to bite the bullet. I said on text in a polite way that I recognised that she was busy this weekend and I’d invite someone else instead. Explaining that ‘just’ meeting at the door wasn’t what I had in mind for us. She wasn’t happy with me and was thrilled initially to get the tickets. So, I invited another friend, who ended up paying for the parking and dinner to say thank you.

My friend wasn’t happy that I’d retracted the invite. But am I in the right or wrong? Should I have just gone along with what suited her and met her at the door like she wanted, regardless of what I had in mind? I hate falling out with friends but I feel that she accepted the ticket without thinking of me, who was giving her the ticket.

In hindsight, to have met my original friend at 7.30pm (then go through all the Covid checks), we may have missed the first half as the doors to the auditorium were closed and everyone was seated by 7.15pm. As the tickets my brother gave to me were second row the front in the stalls, this is a further reason why we wouldn’t have been allowed in due to the disruption – this I know only in hindsight.

Was I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Hawkins001 · 10/01/2022 19:14

Seems, miscommunication, or mixed expectations

ShirleyPhallus · 10/01/2022 19:15

@seekinglondonlife

I'm genuinely shocked at those saying that people going to the theatre should know that travel/drinks/dinner together beforehand is standard. I'm NT, well socialised etc but it wouldn't occur to me that all of these things are an obligatory prerequisite to a theatre visit.
Yeah they’re not, but this is MN land where everything is “grim”, towels are washed on every go, even the simplest dilemma is thrown totally out of whack, minor issues are explained to the nth degree with a diagram, people go NC for the smallest thing.

Basically, life and social interactions are rather different here to real life

JeSuis · 10/01/2022 19:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/01/2022 19:21

@seekinglondonlife

I'm genuinely shocked at those saying that people going to the theatre should know that travel/drinks/dinner together beforehand is standard. I'm NT, well socialised etc but it wouldn't occur to me that all of these things are an obligatory prerequisite to a theatre visit.
Would you leave home at approx 4pm, head straight to the theatre for a 7.30pm start and not drink or eat though? I wouldn’t. The choices would be leave at 3/3.30 and make a swift service station stop off or leaving after lunch and restaurant on arrival. The restaurant on arrival seems the most viable otherwise this would make for eating at odd times and hunger on the way home.
seekinglondonlife · 10/01/2022 19:24

I'm not a Londoner, and I still wouldn't realize! If someone said to me do you want to go to the theatre with me, I'd expect that to mean the theatre. I wouldn't expect that we had to travel together early for drinks and dinner and then go to the theatre. The friend's brain is clearly wired like mine!

JeSuis · 10/01/2022 19:27

I think, the theatre thing is irrelevant (to me). If someone said to me "do you want to go to Manchester for X. I've got free tickets", I'd expect to travel with them, because I live nowhere near Manchester and would have no reason to be there if it wasn't for the free tickets iyswim

seekinglondonlife · 10/01/2022 19:27

@Mummyoflittledragon I'd probably bring a sandwich to eat on the way or maybe a MN huge salad as I wouldn't want to fork out for a meal and drinks in Central London Blush

BungleandGeorge · 10/01/2022 19:28

Perfectly normal to just go to the theatre and nothing else. Or go for a drink afterwards. I presumed OP was not that far away since she drove into and parked in London tbh, I don’t know anyone who does that with a long journey due to the time and expense

JeSuis · 10/01/2022 19:28

If it so happened I was already in Manchester doing something else, I'd tell friend that, as nobody would expect me to be in Manchester

JeSuis · 10/01/2022 19:29

@BungleandGeorge

Perfectly normal to just go to the theatre and nothing else. Or go for a drink afterwards. I presumed OP was not that far away since she drove into and parked in London tbh, I don’t know anyone who does that with a long journey due to the time and expense
Didn't she say she was in the Midlands? To me that seems a long way from central London, but maybe I'm wrong (shit at geography)
Dacquoise · 10/01/2022 19:38

Your friend was doing what was best for her, not for you. Totally reasonable to reorganise to something more suitable for you. Your tickets, your discretion. Don't feel bad about it.

JackTheHack · 10/01/2022 19:42

Tell her you are coming by train

WWDD · 10/01/2022 19:46

It does depend what you had said to your friend when you invited them really but they are cheeky.

If the friend already had plans, couldn't they have invited you to join them?

ilssagain · 10/01/2022 19:48

Did you mention going for drinks and dinner in the original invitation? It's not clear.
I think if you didn't mention it and just invited her to the theatre then YABU. How was she supposed to know that was the plan?
You really should have mentioned it and then she could have said that she was going to be in London and was meeting other friends so she'd only be able to go to the theatre - you could then have responded that you'd then invite someone else as you wanted to make more of an evening of it in London than just the theatre.

seekinglondonlife · 10/01/2022 19:49

I think if the OP had made her expectations clear from the outset, it would have been fine for her to retract the offer, or even when she found out she was already in London.

SquirrelG · 10/01/2022 19:52

I think YABU. You offered her the ticket - she said yes, then you retracted the offer because she couldn't fit in with your idea of a lovely evening. From your post it seems you never mentioned this idea to your friend, so she merely accepted the offer of a theatre ticket, only to have you behave like a prima donna about the whole thing. If you had suggested the whole evening to her that would be different, but it seems you didn't, so you are the one at fault.

Honeyroar · 10/01/2022 19:53

@KrisAkabusi

I'm in a minority here, but I think you were unreasonable. You offered her a theatre ticket and she accepted. You never said that your offer had strings attached - she had to have dinner and drinks with you. So she accepted what she thought was being offered, you then told her her actions weren't good enough and you withdrew the ticket. That's not nice and I can understand your friend being miffed.
I agree.
Blackberrybunnet · 10/01/2022 19:53

@mrsm43s

I think I must be in a different world to everyone else, because I think YWBU.

If you had invited her to dinner, drinks and the theatre and she had accepted, but then bailed on you for dinner and drinks, then you would have been reasonable to have rescinded the invitation.

But you asked her to the theatre only. She accepted the theatre only. You then retracted your offer and chose to go with someone else instead! This is really rude!

You should have communicated your "terms" for offering your friend the ticket at the start. Not just have assumed stuff "in your mind" and then retracted the invitation when she failed to read your mind correctly!

I agree, it seems unreasonable to me. You invited her to the theatre - you didn't invite her for a night on the town. She said yes, even though she had other plans (which, for all you know, she may have curtailed in order to meet up with you). Then you retracted.
Mummyoflittledragon · 10/01/2022 20:00

@seekinglondonlife

Fair point. A lot depends on budget and expectations.

However this would be something to discuss together, not just presume you could rock up late.

JeSuis · 10/01/2022 20:06

Dinner and drinks are pricey in London, but op's friend is already doing that! Just not with op! So don't think it applies to this case. Generally though, yes, dinner and drinks bumps up the cost significantly

seekinglondonlife · 10/01/2022 20:11

But mummy that is where the OP was being unreasonable in my book. When the friend said "I'll meet you at 7.15pm" the OP should have immediately told her that wasn't what she wanted. Instead she waited days, "pressing" her 3 times to meet earlier but did not make it clear that she required her to have dinner and drinks as part of the invitation. It's very likely that the friend rearranged her plans to accommodate the theatre visit (she prolonged her stay in London) and rather than OP being clear from the outset she left it for days then dumped her.

Tilltheend99 · 10/01/2022 20:13

I think from the length you have gone to in your op to appear reasonable you are well aware that you did a bit of a shitty thing and are hoping we will make you feel better.

Your friend probably should have invited you along to the dinner with her friends but apart from that you are completely unreasonable to have expected her to completely fall in-line with you.

If you had paid for the tickets and she had accepted without offering money then maybe you would have a point about the meal. But you got free tickets.

Intact, it’s kinda shit you let your replacement friend pay for the meal as a thank you for you letting her use your free tickets.

Tilltheend99 · 10/01/2022 20:13

*In fact

DevaDiva · 10/01/2022 20:17

Voted wrong there sorry. You were definitely not being unreasonable.

seekinglondonlife · 10/01/2022 20:18

Till I thought that too, I thought OP was in CF territory allowing her to pay for dinner AND parking for something that OP got for free. Going halfers on petrol would have been fair enough IMO.