Am I being an unreasonable friend to retract my invitation to an event?

[CountryGirl17]

Hi. I wonder if you can help me? I would like to know if I am being reasonable or not. Last week, my brother offered me two free tickets to go to the theatre yesterday evening as he couldn’t go. I will be reimbursing my brother in some way for the ‘free’ tickets as a thank you.

I live in the Midlands and the theatre is in London. On Friday, I text my friend who lives in the same town as me and invited her to come along with me. I had in mind that it would have been nice to go together and have pre theatre dinner and drinks. As it would take a few hours to get to London and park etc. going earlier in my mind is better than just going for the performance.

My friend accepted the invitation, only by needing to know if she could get a lift home and that she told me to meet her at the door of the theatre at 7.30pm. This threw me a little, as I was a bit confused by this as I had assumed, we would be travelling down together. However, after a series of texts, I then realised that she was already out in London with friends and had made dinner plans with them on Sunday. So, instead of getting a lift back with them, she would need to get a lift back with me after the performance. Essentially extending her time and mini break in the city. I did press her three times to see if we could meet earlier, so I could get more out of the evening, but she couldn’t. She could only meet me at the door. Eating or travelling alone wasn’t what I had in mind! But, that’s not the end of the world in reality.

However, this left me feeling rather disappointed. I had wanted to spend good quality time with my friend. If I’d have known that she was busy with other people, then I wouldn’t have invited her in the first place and seen her another day. Or better still, before she accepted the invite, I wished that she’d explained her plans before to see if that was okay by me. She essentially accepted the ticket, regardless of what I had in mind for the night and I was having to fall in line with her plans, by meeting her at the theatre. It just didn’t feel right to me.

I know that I would have been driving to London anyway, but from my perspective, it just felt odd to meet her at the door. I also wasn’t getting the full benefit from the theatre experience, but my friend was – she was having the pre dinner and drinks with friends before, then seeing me at a time to suit her, getting the free ticket and the lift home. It just felt more convenient for her than me. It just meant also that I was driving down to London on my own, paying for the fuel and parking to only get 2.5 hours in the theatre with my friend. It just didn’t seem worth my time or effort, given that I live nowhere near London. I was debating in my mind whether it was worth having the tickets and giving them back to my brother.

I then had to bite the bullet. I said on text in a polite way that I recognised that she was busy this weekend and I’d invite someone else instead. Explaining that ‘just’ meeting at the door wasn’t what I had in mind for us. She wasn’t happy with me and was thrilled initially to get the tickets. So, I invited another friend, who ended up paying for the parking and dinner to say thank you.

My friend wasn’t happy that I’d retracted the invite. But am I in the right or wrong? Should I have just gone along with what suited her and met her at the door like she wanted, regardless of what I had in mind? I hate falling out with friends but I feel that she accepted the ticket without thinking of me, who was giving her the ticket.

In hindsight, to have met my original friend at 7.30pm (then go through all the Covid checks), we may have missed the first half as the doors to the auditorium were closed and everyone was seated by 7.15pm. As the tickets my brother gave to me were second row the front in the stalls, this is a further reason why we wouldn’t have been allowed in due to the disruption – this I know only in hindsight.

Was I being unreasonable?

@ShirleyPhallus

I’d love to know what the exact wording of the invitation was, you said that “in your mind” you’d go for dinner - were you explicit that the plan would be drive down > dinner > show? If you just said “I have tickets to the theatre do you want to come” then she WNBU by accepting as you weren’t clear that you wanted to share driving / go for dinner etc.

Bit nuts to drive to London for the theatre but that’s a separate point!

My first thought was along these lines, however...

I reckon it's widely accepted that 'going to the theatre' (especially in a city that's not home) involves pre-show dinner/drinks etc... so if I was the friend I would have been straight from the start and suggested that it might be better to ask someone else. On the other hand, being charitable, I suppose not everyone approaches these experiences the same way!

I think it's a bit of both on this one. You should have made it clearer that you were inviting her for dinner and an evening out, not just offering her a spare theatre ticket. But she shouldn't have accepted knowing she could only get there for the start time - at least not without warning you of that first.

Can definitely we why you felt put out that she wanted to meet at the door. Whether you were unreasonable all depends on the conversation the two of you had and whether she knew dinner, drinks etc was part of the offer.

I recently went to a show where second row Stalls seats were £225 each, so the drive to London with free seats is totally worth it!

I think you should have made it clearer in your invitation. 'Hi are you free Sunday to travel to London, get some dinner and attend a show? I have some tickets'

I don't think either of you were being desperately unreasonable. Can see your point of view, that you wanted to make an occasion of it - but can also see her thinking 'great, am in London anyway, free show with a friend - lovely!'. Presumably she already had plans earlier, so no reason she should dump her friends at the last minute.

OP said she pressed her three times to meet earlier

@Fusillage

OP said she pressed her three times to meet earlier

Sorry that was @errnerrcallnernnernnern

I’d love to know what the exact wording of the invitation was, you said that “in your mind” you’d go for dinner - were you explicit that the plan would be drive down > dinner > show? If you just said “I have tickets to the theatre do you want to come” then she WNBU by accepting as you weren’t clear that you wanted to share driving / go for dinner etc.

This. If you just invited her to the theatre (i.e. i've got a spare ticket for X on sunday night, would you like to see it with me?) then she probably thought 'oh great, i'm already in london so saves the trip and would love to see it, ill let her know yes and meet her there'. You say you feel like she wasn't thinking of you but it's not on her to do the mental gymnastics of what you might or might not want to do in london first, you have to be clear.

In future you need to ask something along the lines of 'I've got a spare ticket for X on sunday night, was thinking we could drive down together and get some dinner before - do you fancy it?'

That gives her the opportunity to say 'i'd love the theatre but already have dinner plans with other people'

Which then gives you the opportunity to go 'Ah i really wanted the whole pre theatre experience of drinks and everything too so not the best fit, have a good time though'.

If someone invited me to the theatre at 7:30 i may say yes and then suggest dinner before if i fancy it. But if they hadn't made it explicit they were thinking of dinner I would accept the invite for 7:30 alone, i'm not a mind reader of what other plans they may/may not have. For all your friend knew you could've had other plans before too.

Neither of you are being unreasonable but it could have been handled better . You assumed she was free and didn't check before inviting her. She is cutting her time short with her already planned time with other friends.
She will now have changed her plans to fit in with you and now you have retracted the offer (which is a bit rude )

She should have told you that she was already in London & wouldn’t be able to meet up until 7.30 before she accepted. You have done nothing wrong.

So you ended up with free dinner and parking and free tickets too? Did you expect the original friend to offer this?

@Fusillage

Sorry - I am completely the other way around. The tickets were totally last minute so it was not to some long standing arrangement with an old friend, you invited her on Friday for Sunday to fill a gap and when she said she could only do the show you kept trying to make her rearrange her plans! I can see you would have wanted a nice evening though so if you are good enough friends she should have accept you saying that you would prefer to find someone else who could do all of it.

I agree with this. It was such a last minute invitation - you could have been more flexible.

If you get free tickets to a show, the polite thing to do, at the very least, is to offer the person paying for your seat dinner or drinks.

Not to say, great, see you there and btw can you drive me home too!

@Fusillage

OP said she pressed her three times to meet earlier

ah sorry, I missed that.

I agree then that OP should not have pressed and just asked another friend.

I think YABU and I'd be pretty upset if I was the friend.

Your invite was to go to the theatre - which she accepted. Had you said your invitation included driving down and having dinner together, then presumably she would have explained she was down already so would only be able to meet you for the theatre part.

@Lindaloo08

Had you said to her you wanted to have dinner etc. as you've said "in my mind" a couple of times?

This. It depends on how it was explained and how you worded it

Yanbu to want to make more of an evening of it and it’s fine to say that and retract the invite.

Yabu to expect her to know what you were thinking. Definitely not a CF if you offered her the tickets without explaining your other plans.

Yabvvu to ask her three times to meet your earlier. She already had plans. Once she said no you should’ve explained that you’d prefer to have dinner and make more of an evening so you’d invite someone else. I’d be pissed off too if you pressured me to do that.

On the whole I think you’ve handled it badly, and I can’t see that your friend has done anything wrong at all. In your position I’d apologise for not being clear, and trying to pressure her into changing her plans, then see if she’s free another time to do something together.

"I think you should have made it clearer in your invitation. 'Hi are you free Sunday to travel to London, get some dinner and attend a show? I have some tickets'"

I agree with this.

If you just said you had a spare theatre ticket and did she want to go, most people in her shoes would have thought 'oh great I'm already in london anyway' and accepted. You cant change the terms of the offer after they've been accepted without pissing someone off. Even if they are obvious to you, they might not be to everyone

But if you were a good friend, wouldn't you want your friend to have a good experience too, with dinner/drinks/travel together?

I think you were really rude to rescind your offer. You offered tickets and she accepted. If somebody asked me if I wanted to go to the theatre, the conversation might develop into dinner beforehand but I certainly wouldn’t assume that.

I thought it was basic courtesy to never uninvite.

I also think YABU here.

You said 'in my mind' and 'I assumed' several times in your OP so at no point when you offered did you say it included dinner and drinks.

It was a last minute offer which she readily accepted but told you straight away she wouldn't need a lift down there and could only meet at 7.30

You then tried to get her to change her plans 3 times before accepting it wouldn't be so bad.

Then later, presumably when your friend has rearranged the rest of her evening and extended her stay, you told her you were going with someone else.

You say she should have told you she was already in London but she did say quickly she could only meet later, and qualify you should have been clear on what you were asking of her.

I wished that she’d explained her plans before to see if that was okay by me. She essentially accepted the ticket, regardless of what I had in mind for the night and I was having to fall in line with her plans, by meeting her at the theatre.

I don't think you were BU to want to make a night of it and can see why you invited someone else.

However, you said you wished she'd explained her plans to you instead of assuming but from reading your OP it sounds as though you just assumed you would go for dinner and drinks first without actually explaining that to her - in which case, I don't think it's fair to put all the blame on her, she's not a mind reader.

If you did explain that to her when you invited her and she said no but I'll meet you at the theatre, then YANBU.

I personally wouldn't have accepted if I'd already had plans but it sounds more like a misunderstanding between you both of you both just assuming the other knew what you were thinking instead of anyone being in the wrong

She was being thoughtless.
Not deliberately unreasonable or anything like that, she just obviously didn't put herself in your shoes which was travelling to London on your own and eating at a restaurant on your own waiting around for her. No one's idea of a good time.
She accepted your free tickets and lift home regardless because to be fair most people would accept that if offered.

Have you had a nice time anyway? With your other friend? Sounds fab.