Am I being an unreasonable friend to retract my invitation to an event?

[CountryGirl17]

Hi. I wonder if you can help me? I would like to know if I am being reasonable or not. Last week, my brother offered me two free tickets to go to the theatre yesterday evening as he couldn’t go. I will be reimbursing my brother in some way for the ‘free’ tickets as a thank you.

I live in the Midlands and the theatre is in London. On Friday, I text my friend who lives in the same town as me and invited her to come along with me. I had in mind that it would have been nice to go together and have pre theatre dinner and drinks. As it would take a few hours to get to London and park etc. going earlier in my mind is better than just going for the performance.

My friend accepted the invitation, only by needing to know if she could get a lift home and that she told me to meet her at the door of the theatre at 7.30pm. This threw me a little, as I was a bit confused by this as I had assumed, we would be travelling down together. However, after a series of texts, I then realised that she was already out in London with friends and had made dinner plans with them on Sunday. So, instead of getting a lift back with them, she would need to get a lift back with me after the performance. Essentially extending her time and mini break in the city. I did press her three times to see if we could meet earlier, so I could get more out of the evening, but she couldn’t. She could only meet me at the door. Eating or travelling alone wasn’t what I had in mind! But, that’s not the end of the world in reality.

However, this left me feeling rather disappointed. I had wanted to spend good quality time with my friend. If I’d have known that she was busy with other people, then I wouldn’t have invited her in the first place and seen her another day. Or better still, before she accepted the invite, I wished that she’d explained her plans before to see if that was okay by me. She essentially accepted the ticket, regardless of what I had in mind for the night and I was having to fall in line with her plans, by meeting her at the theatre. It just didn’t feel right to me.

I know that I would have been driving to London anyway, but from my perspective, it just felt odd to meet her at the door. I also wasn’t getting the full benefit from the theatre experience, but my friend was – she was having the pre dinner and drinks with friends before, then seeing me at a time to suit her, getting the free ticket and the lift home. It just felt more convenient for her than me. It just meant also that I was driving down to London on my own, paying for the fuel and parking to only get 2.5 hours in the theatre with my friend. It just didn’t seem worth my time or effort, given that I live nowhere near London. I was debating in my mind whether it was worth having the tickets and giving them back to my brother.

I then had to bite the bullet. I said on text in a polite way that I recognised that she was busy this weekend and I’d invite someone else instead. Explaining that ‘just’ meeting at the door wasn’t what I had in mind for us. She wasn’t happy with me and was thrilled initially to get the tickets. So, I invited another friend, who ended up paying for the parking and dinner to say thank you.

My friend wasn’t happy that I’d retracted the invite. But am I in the right or wrong? Should I have just gone along with what suited her and met her at the door like she wanted, regardless of what I had in mind? I hate falling out with friends but I feel that she accepted the ticket without thinking of me, who was giving her the ticket.

In hindsight, to have met my original friend at 7.30pm (then go through all the Covid checks), we may have missed the first half as the doors to the auditorium were closed and everyone was seated by 7.15pm. As the tickets my brother gave to me were second row the front in the stalls, this is a further reason why we wouldn’t have been allowed in due to the disruption – this I know only in hindsight.

Was I being unreasonable?

I don’t think YABU,
I have been in similar situations to your friend and would always explain what my original plans were before accepting. I think most people, if offered the same, would assume you would want to be travelling together and sharing the experience as a full day rather than just a free ticket.
I wouldn’t dwell on it, maybe your friend is just used to people going along with her out of politeness and this is a good lesson for her.

I think you're definitely in the right travelling down having a meal would all be part of the night out as anyone would expect she is being U.

I can see how there might have been misunderstanding on both sides. It's understandable that she would be disappointed and maybe annoyed to have the invitation rescinded, but she should have kept that to herself.

Best to brush it under the rug and forget about it, on both sides.

I think you did the right thing . The first friend could have invited you to join the group for dinner . The second friend got it right offering to pay for parking and dinner after being gifted an expensive theatre ticket. OP has already said she will reimburse her brother somehow and she paid for fuel so not exactly freeloading

YWNBU - she was being thoughtless. I think you dealt with it well. If she is mardy about it then then her problem.
I wouldn't give it a moments thought

You should have communicated your "terms" for offering your friend the ticket at the start. Not just have assumed stuff "in your mind" and then retracted the invitation when she failed to read your mind correctly!

Yes, this. I doubt friend realised the offer was conditional on meeting for dinner and drinks beforehand, and it doesn't seem reasonable to press her to change her arrangements. How would her friends have felt if she'd said 'well I've had a better offer and I'm off now'? But the whole thing seems like one of those weird MN failure to communicate things. The OP could have been up front about wanting a handhold for dinner and drinks beforehand. The friend could have said 'sounds great but I wouldn't be able to meet until the start of the play, because I'm in London now and have already committed to plans with someone else'.

@KrisAkabusi

I'm in a minority here, but I think you were unreasonable. You offered her a theatre ticket and she accepted. You never said that your offer had strings attached - she had to have dinner and drinks with you. So she accepted what she thought was being offered, you then told her her actions weren't good enough and you withdrew the ticket. That's not nice and I can understand your friend being miffed.

I agree with this.

If you said in the original invite: "Would you like to come and have dinner and drinks and then go out to the theatre?"
Even then I wouldn't think it was reasonable for her to say "I'm in London with friends and can't meet for dinner, but would love to meet up for drinks and the theatre".

Unless you said the above, if I got a message "want to join me at the theatre, I have tickets" then I'd assume we were meeting at the theatre and watching something.

I think the minute she said I'd love to go if you can meet me at 7.30 and give me a lift back you should have said doesn't suit we'll do it another time. You're problem was agreeing to her terms, trying three times to get her to change them and only then cancelling

I don't think YABU to invite a different friend, but I do think you've positioned this a little unfairly in claiming you would have had to 'fall into line' with what the friend your invited first wanted. She was already in London, she received an invitation from you that she was happy to accept as it worked into other plans - there's nothing wrong with that. The first time she declined dinner was the best time for you to say you were looking for a mate to join you for dinner etc. but, as I said, you weren't wrong to choose someone else to go with. If she took that decision badly, that's on her.

I don't think YABU but I don't think your friend was a CF either. Sounds like a simple misunderstanding to me.

I think what you did was fine, and both of you ended up having a social time, her with the friends she was originally seeing and getting a lift home with and you with your much nicer friend who understands recipricocity.

Yes @Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov has a good point. When she came back with her initial response you could have said at that point that you really wanted company for the drive both ways and dinner before the show.

It just feels like a misunderstanding on both sides .

@BertramLacey

You should have communicated your "terms" for offering your friend the ticket at the start. Not just have assumed stuff "in your mind" and then retracted the invitation when she failed to read your mind correctly!

Yes, this. I doubt friend realised the offer was conditional on meeting for dinner and drinks beforehand, and it doesn't seem reasonable to press her to change her arrangements. How would her friends have felt if she'd said 'well I've had a better offer and I'm off now'? But the whole thing seems like one of those weird MN failure to communicate things. The OP could have been up front about wanting a handhold for dinner and drinks beforehand. The friend could have said 'sounds great but I wouldn't be able to meet until the start of the play, because I'm in London now and have already committed to plans with someone else'.

This.

It certainly wouldn't have occurred to me that a last-minute offer of a theatre ticket came with an unspoken engagement for drinks and dinner -- I would have reimbursed you, or paid for a restaurant meal or drinks on another occasion.

She would have needed to agree to meet you considerably earlier than 7.30 for a 7.30 start of show, though -- so she was being unreasonable there, presumably because she had dinner plans at a distance and/or didn't grasp that if she'd rocked up at 7.30 you would quite possibly have missed a large portion of the show.

I bet she would have been later than 7.30, people who try to cram the day with social engagements are often late for everything as well!

It would have been polite of your friend to invite you to dinner (either with or without her other friends) or to make clear what her plans were and offer you the opportunity to decide whether to take her or someone else. As she did neither, you were not rude in rescinding the offer.

Nope, not being unreasonable at all. Yes you could have minimised any misunderstandings by mentioning going for dinner in your original message, but from what you’ve said, you’d asked your friend to meet earlier. At that point she should have said “I can’t because I’m having dinner with friends. Is that okay?” It sounds like she was avoiding telling you why (you said you had to ask her 3 times to meet earlier before she explained fully) because she knew she was using you for an extension on her trip and free lift home.

Yes, you were right - she could have asked you to join her and her friends for dinner. But sounds like your other friend is far more considerate so you made the right decision.

I think you were rude to reverse the invitation. You offered theatre tickets, not an evening out.

The tickets were free also, so I wouldn’t expect a’thank-you’ meal, either.

I think yabu too; you asked her if she wanted to go to the theatre and she said yes; all the other plans were just in your head

Not nice to retract invitations like that either

Surely your friend could have invited you to the dinner she was going to with her other friends??

@ShirleyPhallus

I’d love to know what the exact wording of the invitation was, you said that “in your mind” you’d go for dinner - were you explicit that the plan would be drive down > dinner > show? If you just said “I have tickets to the theatre do you want to come” then she WNBU by accepting as you weren’t clear that you wanted to share driving / go for dinner etc.

Bit nuts to drive to London for the theatre but that’s a separate point!

This is my thinking.

I mean, she is a bit nuts to think you can meet at the theatre doors at the time the show is starting, but, apart from that, if you didn't mention making a day of it and driving down together and going for food prior to the show, and she "read it" as "do you want a ticket", then I can see she has already said to the other friends that she is changing the arrangements she had with them, and would then be annoyed that (in her eyes) you then changed your mind and withdrew the offer.

Driving down 2 and 1/2 hrs to London, paying congestion charge presumably and paying parking then driving back all seems a lot of faff and expense and time to me if this isn't some show you have been dreaming of seeing forever, but unless this is something the two of you do as a ritual - including the dinner and drinks - then I am not sure that I would expect her to presume that is what you meant unless you specifically said so, as, when I go to the threatre, I go directly there and come home again so I wouldn't have guessed you meant differently.

When she came back with her initial response you could have said at that point that you really wanted company for the drive both ways and dinner before the show.

It just feels like a misunderstanding on both sides

This ^

YANBU
But, as per pp the wording of the invitation is important.
However- if I were her I would have seen if you wanted to joing her and her friends for dinner.

I think she was a Cf on the basis that she was willing to dump her original plan with the other friends as soon as something better came along. Yanbu

I have been in a similar position myself so just want to add, no you aren't being unreasonable. GOOD FOR YOU!