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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being an unreasonable friend to retract my invitation to an event?

220 replies

CountryGirl17 · 10/01/2022 15:42

Hi. I wonder if you can help me? I would like to know if I am being reasonable or not. Last week, my brother offered me two free tickets to go to the theatre yesterday evening as he couldn’t go. I will be reimbursing my brother in some way for the ‘free’ tickets as a thank you.

I live in the Midlands and the theatre is in London. On Friday, I text my friend who lives in the same town as me and invited her to come along with me. I had in mind that it would have been nice to go together and have pre theatre dinner and drinks. As it would take a few hours to get to London and park etc. going earlier in my mind is better than just going for the performance.

My friend accepted the invitation, only by needing to know if she could get a lift home and that she told me to meet her at the door of the theatre at 7.30pm. This threw me a little, as I was a bit confused by this as I had assumed, we would be travelling down together. However, after a series of texts, I then realised that she was already out in London with friends and had made dinner plans with them on Sunday. So, instead of getting a lift back with them, she would need to get a lift back with me after the performance. Essentially extending her time and mini break in the city. I did press her three times to see if we could meet earlier, so I could get more out of the evening, but she couldn’t. She could only meet me at the door. Eating or travelling alone wasn’t what I had in mind! But, that’s not the end of the world in reality.

However, this left me feeling rather disappointed. I had wanted to spend good quality time with my friend. If I’d have known that she was busy with other people, then I wouldn’t have invited her in the first place and seen her another day. Or better still, before she accepted the invite, I wished that she’d explained her plans before to see if that was okay by me. She essentially accepted the ticket, regardless of what I had in mind for the night and I was having to fall in line with her plans, by meeting her at the theatre. It just didn’t feel right to me.

I know that I would have been driving to London anyway, but from my perspective, it just felt odd to meet her at the door. I also wasn’t getting the full benefit from the theatre experience, but my friend was – she was having the pre dinner and drinks with friends before, then seeing me at a time to suit her, getting the free ticket and the lift home. It just felt more convenient for her than me. It just meant also that I was driving down to London on my own, paying for the fuel and parking to only get 2.5 hours in the theatre with my friend. It just didn’t seem worth my time or effort, given that I live nowhere near London. I was debating in my mind whether it was worth having the tickets and giving them back to my brother.

I then had to bite the bullet. I said on text in a polite way that I recognised that she was busy this weekend and I’d invite someone else instead. Explaining that ‘just’ meeting at the door wasn’t what I had in mind for us. She wasn’t happy with me and was thrilled initially to get the tickets. So, I invited another friend, who ended up paying for the parking and dinner to say thank you.

My friend wasn’t happy that I’d retracted the invite. But am I in the right or wrong? Should I have just gone along with what suited her and met her at the door like she wanted, regardless of what I had in mind? I hate falling out with friends but I feel that she accepted the ticket without thinking of me, who was giving her the ticket.

In hindsight, to have met my original friend at 7.30pm (then go through all the Covid checks), we may have missed the first half as the doors to the auditorium were closed and everyone was seated by 7.15pm. As the tickets my brother gave to me were second row the front in the stalls, this is a further reason why we wouldn’t have been allowed in due to the disruption – this I know only in hindsight.

Was I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Psychonabike · 10/01/2022 17:25

I don't really get why this is so complicated. I wonder if all the upset has actually been caused by dragging it out, instead of:

You: "I have free theatre tickets at X on Y, want to come?"
Friend A: "Love to, can meet you at 7.30pm."
You: "Oh. I was hoping to make a whole night of it, with dinner etc, can you manage earlier?"
Friend A: "Nope"
You: "Ah ok then, sorry it's not going to work out. I'm going to try and use the tickets for a whole evening out with a friend, I'll check with friend B. Maybe we'll get another chance when you're less busy."

IntermittentParps · 10/01/2022 17:26

I think YABU. You may have 'had in mind that it would have been nice to go together and have pre theatre dinner and drinks', but she had no way of knowing that if you didn't say; she probably just took it as 'I've got this ticket, fancy coming?'

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 10/01/2022 17:27

I don't think yabu. It's a long way to go just far a theatre trip. I think most people would want to go for dinner at least before hand, your friend should understand that

Iamkmackered1979 · 10/01/2022 17:28

She could’ve invited you to dinner and drinks as you’d invited her free…she seems a bit thoughtless. Was a bit grabby and I’d have felt similar to you, I think it worked out in the end. Your friend still had a nice time in London and you and your friend enjoyed the show. I think I’d have worded the text re dinner drinks then show though so it wasn’t just the show

MaggieFS · 10/01/2022 17:34

I think it depends on exactly what you said when you first asked her, because it sounds like you initially invited her to the theatre in the evening to which she said yes.

If you had said you were inviting her for an afternoon in London, dinner and theatre, she would have had to say no.

Ultimately what you did was fine and hopefully she'll understand but if you were inviting her to more than just the theatre you should have been clear in the first place.

latetothefisting · 10/01/2022 17:35

I think you were being a bit unreasonable sorry - if you only asked your friend to the theatre and not mentioned dinner/drinks etc. then she only agreed to what you asked her - for all she knew you might also already have been in London for work/with other friends or would be rushing to get to the theatre straight from work with no time to eat beforehand - if you don't tell her your expected plans she's not psychic!

You should have told her your expectations when you offered her the ticket, "I've got free tickets to x, do you want to come with me, we can do food and drinks before?" then if she said she could only come to the show you could have reiterated 'Oh it feels a bit miserable for me to rush up on my own and then go straight back, I was hoping to make a bit of an event of it and go for food and a drink seeing as we've saved so much on the tickets. If you can't make food do you mind if I just ask someone instead?"

If you'd said that and then she'd gone in a huff she would definitely be the unreasonable one, but as you only offered the theatre, she agreed to the theatre, and you then cancelled her completely based on her not attending something you hadn't even invited her to at that point, I would be a bit annoyed in her place!

She was BU to only suggest meeting at the time the show started though - surely everyone who goes to the theatre knows you're expected to be in your seat at least 5/10 mins before the start time in normal circumstances, let alone with Covid restrictions.

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 10/01/2022 17:36

A theatre invite ALWAYS includes drinks at least, usually a meal too. Especially travelling down from the Midlands. So YANBU to say the "meet at the door" idea doesn't work for you. If her plan was seeing one person then actually she's potentially being rude to them too by rushing off to the theatre. If not then what I find a bit off, and I've had this myself, is why on earth she couldn't adjust the dinner / drinks plan to include you. So often these things can be expanded so you might have had a jolly afternoon, dinner and drinks with a group then the two of you head off to the theatre.

ArblemarchTFruitbat · 10/01/2022 17:39

@KrisAkabusi

I'm in a minority here, but I think you were unreasonable. You offered her a theatre ticket and she accepted. You never said that your offer had strings attached - she had to have dinner and drinks with you. So she accepted what she thought was being offered, you then told her her actions weren't good enough and you withdrew the ticket. That's not nice and I can understand your friend being miffed.
I tend to agree with this. I think you should have been more explicit in the original invitation. You invited her to the theatre - she wanted to go - she accepted. I'd be put out in your friend's situation, although I'd try to be gracious about it.
PuppyMonkey · 10/01/2022 17:39

I think the onus was entirely on the friend to make it clear she’d love to come but was already out with friends that evening and could only make it up theatre for 7.30pm and would need a lift home with OP.

ittakes2 · 10/01/2022 17:41

I think you should have said do you want to go to dinner and theatre - not just the theatre. If it was me I would not be bothered about going to dinner and happy to meet a friend at the theatre / have company driving home. She might have felt the same so was not being cheeky in my opinion. But I think once you explained you wanted an early evening of entertaining ie the dinner she should have bowed out gracefully.
You put it as of she is being cheeky extending her stay in London....you offered! She clearly had a lift home organised, just earlier in the day, it was not as if she was using you for transport.

ChicCroissant · 10/01/2022 17:44

@Psychonabike

I don't really get why this is so complicated. I wonder if all the upset has actually been caused by dragging it out, instead of:

You: "I have free theatre tickets at X on Y, want to come?"
Friend A: "Love to, can meet you at 7.30pm."
You: "Oh. I was hoping to make a whole night of it, with dinner etc, can you manage earlier?"
Friend A: "Nope"
You: "Ah ok then, sorry it's not going to work out. I'm going to try and use the tickets for a whole evening out with a friend, I'll check with friend B. Maybe we'll get another chance when you're less busy."

I am wondering if this is a reverse as I thought the same as Psychonabike, if you'd said at the start that you wanted the make a whole evening of it she would have said earlier that she already made arrangements to meet friends. It was very short notice so she probably didn't want to dump her friends at short notice.
ArblemarchTFruitbat · 10/01/2022 17:47

People saying the OP's friend should have asked her to join her other friends for dinner - you don't just invite a someone else to a pre-arranged dinner! Bringing a friend along who isn't part of that friendship group would completely change the dynamic.

BungleandGeorge · 10/01/2022 17:47

Yes you were rude! You invited her to the theatre, not for dinner or to drive down with you. I’m also quite surprised you allowed your other friend to pay the entire parking fee and dinner costs when you got the tickets free!

dustofneptune · 10/01/2022 17:48

To be honest, I can see both of your points. You weren't being unreasonable wanting to make a proper night of it, and I also see why she was happy to tack on a free theatre trip with you since she was already in London.

It sounds more like a communication breakdown. Neither of you were wildly out of line. To me it sounds like crossed wires.

I can see why she was hurt that you invited another friend instead, especially if she changed her plans and was excited to go with you. But at the same time, I can also see why you did decide to change the plans.

I hope you manage to sort it out! It shouldn't be a friendship-changing disagreement!

Kite22 · 10/01/2022 18:03

A theatre invite ALWAYS includes drinks at least, usually a meal too.

No it doesn't.
I go to the theatre fairly regularly, and have been doing so for decades. I leave my house, go to the show, then come home. I actually don't think I have ever gone for drinks let a lone a meal as part of "going to the theatre" in 40 years.

People aren't all the same.

Middleagedfemaleangst · 10/01/2022 18:09

She should have explained plans. However as she didn’t you were right to say oh actually I want someone to drive down with and have dinner with and make a bit of an evening of it, so meeting at 7.30pm won’t work for me (also who meets at the time the theatre starts!!). Have a lovely evening etc. She is rude to be annoyed and rude not to have explained first her earlier plans. It was a freebie and you were entitled to invite someone as you wished. The only thing is whether there was a time delay in you explaining you wanted someone for the whole evening. Was there at all? If this was a series of texts in a short space of time and then you said it didn’t work fine but over a few days not really

Original poster
CountryGirl17 · 10/01/2022 18:13

Thank you.

OP posts:
Chloemol · 10/01/2022 18:13

YANBU. You want to make an evening of it, she obviously didn’t, you asked if you could meet earlier and she said no

So fine, ask someone who can accommodate you

Chloemol · 10/01/2022 18:15

@BungleandGeorge

Yes you were rude! You invited her to the theatre, not for dinner or to drive down with you. I’m also quite surprised you allowed your other friend to pay the entire parking fee and dinner costs when you got the tickets free!
But she still had to pay for the petrol, my guess is it came out about equal
JeSuis · 10/01/2022 18:19

@Kite22

A theatre invite ALWAYS includes drinks at least, usually a meal too.

No it doesn't.
I go to the theatre fairly regularly, and have been doing so for decades. I leave my house, go to the show, then come home. I actually don't think I have ever gone for drinks let a lone a meal as part of "going to the theatre" in 40 years.

People aren't all the same.

But would you do that in say Birmingham, if you lived in London? You'd travel to another city quite far away and not have dinner or drinks?
Bangolads · 10/01/2022 18:21

I think you’re in the right.

Everydaydayisaschoolday · 10/01/2022 18:21

I think YABU. If you'd said in the initial invitation you were inviting her for dinner and drinks as well as a trip to the theatre the whole situation would have been avoided. Just inviting her to the theatre with no mention of a meal was confusing. Being unclear meant both of you were disappointed.

Like other people have said I hope this doesn't lead to a permanent falling out. It would be a shame if something so nice spoilt your friendship.

Arepeoplereallycoolaboutthis · 10/01/2022 18:24

Did you mention also doing something together before the show as well?

CeilingWax · 10/01/2022 18:26

YWNBU.

In her situation I wouldn’t be surprised if you wanted to make more of it.

But she was being self-centred.

WetLookKnitwear · 10/01/2022 18:28

YANBU.
I know that you can go to the theatre and only the theatre, friends of mine who live in London happily do this. But if you’re travelling from the midlands for the evening it’s more of an event and most people would need a meal there. I think it’s a bit rude of your friend to not consider this and expect you to eat alone somewhere. Also I think it’s totally understandable to want a pal for the whole trip. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Always hard to climb down from an invite though isn’t it.