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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being an unreasonable friend to retract my invitation to an event?

220 replies

CountryGirl17 · 10/01/2022 15:42

Hi. I wonder if you can help me? I would like to know if I am being reasonable or not. Last week, my brother offered me two free tickets to go to the theatre yesterday evening as he couldn’t go. I will be reimbursing my brother in some way for the ‘free’ tickets as a thank you.

I live in the Midlands and the theatre is in London. On Friday, I text my friend who lives in the same town as me and invited her to come along with me. I had in mind that it would have been nice to go together and have pre theatre dinner and drinks. As it would take a few hours to get to London and park etc. going earlier in my mind is better than just going for the performance.

My friend accepted the invitation, only by needing to know if she could get a lift home and that she told me to meet her at the door of the theatre at 7.30pm. This threw me a little, as I was a bit confused by this as I had assumed, we would be travelling down together. However, after a series of texts, I then realised that she was already out in London with friends and had made dinner plans with them on Sunday. So, instead of getting a lift back with them, she would need to get a lift back with me after the performance. Essentially extending her time and mini break in the city. I did press her three times to see if we could meet earlier, so I could get more out of the evening, but she couldn’t. She could only meet me at the door. Eating or travelling alone wasn’t what I had in mind! But, that’s not the end of the world in reality.

However, this left me feeling rather disappointed. I had wanted to spend good quality time with my friend. If I’d have known that she was busy with other people, then I wouldn’t have invited her in the first place and seen her another day. Or better still, before she accepted the invite, I wished that she’d explained her plans before to see if that was okay by me. She essentially accepted the ticket, regardless of what I had in mind for the night and I was having to fall in line with her plans, by meeting her at the theatre. It just didn’t feel right to me.

I know that I would have been driving to London anyway, but from my perspective, it just felt odd to meet her at the door. I also wasn’t getting the full benefit from the theatre experience, but my friend was – she was having the pre dinner and drinks with friends before, then seeing me at a time to suit her, getting the free ticket and the lift home. It just felt more convenient for her than me. It just meant also that I was driving down to London on my own, paying for the fuel and parking to only get 2.5 hours in the theatre with my friend. It just didn’t seem worth my time or effort, given that I live nowhere near London. I was debating in my mind whether it was worth having the tickets and giving them back to my brother.

I then had to bite the bullet. I said on text in a polite way that I recognised that she was busy this weekend and I’d invite someone else instead. Explaining that ‘just’ meeting at the door wasn’t what I had in mind for us. She wasn’t happy with me and was thrilled initially to get the tickets. So, I invited another friend, who ended up paying for the parking and dinner to say thank you.

My friend wasn’t happy that I’d retracted the invite. But am I in the right or wrong? Should I have just gone along with what suited her and met her at the door like she wanted, regardless of what I had in mind? I hate falling out with friends but I feel that she accepted the ticket without thinking of me, who was giving her the ticket.

In hindsight, to have met my original friend at 7.30pm (then go through all the Covid checks), we may have missed the first half as the doors to the auditorium were closed and everyone was seated by 7.15pm. As the tickets my brother gave to me were second row the front in the stalls, this is a further reason why we wouldn’t have been allowed in due to the disruption – this I know only in hindsight.

Was I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Kite22 · 10/01/2022 20:32

Totally agree @seekinglondonlife. (including the bit about taking a packed tea with me ). My brain must be wired like yours.

Totally thinking the same as you @ShirleyPhallus (at 19:15:36)

What is clear from everyone replying though - whether they consider an evening at the theatre to be a complete night out or whether they only ever go to the theatre with a side serving of dinner and drinks - is that the issue here was your poor communication in the first place.

So yes, YWBU to only give your friend part of the information and keep the rest "in your mind", then, when you realised she hadn't "received" the things you were "thinking about" the impression we are all getting is that you didn't then straight away say "Oh, no, I was hoping to go with someone who can make a day of it - I'll ask someone else and we can catch up another time" , but that you dithered for quite a while, and then withdrew the invitation rather rudely.

However, it sounds like it was poor communication and not worth you falling out with each other over - just learn from it for the next time.

Dibbydoos · 10/01/2022 20:41

I have no idea why people aren't honest with each other. I would def have said I was already in London and checked what you wanted to do. Honestly if I had I made plans with friends I'd have either invited you along or cancelled with them to spend time with you.

Your friends needs to learn what being a friend means....

Hope you had fun!

slashlover · 10/01/2022 20:55

@Dibbydoos

Your friends needs to learn what being a friend means....

Hope you had fun!

Being a friend doesn't mean cancelling on already made plans for dinner by inviting someone else or cancelling because you got a "better" offer of the theatre.

Lou98 · 10/01/2022 21:37

@Dibbydoos

Your friends needs to learn what being a friend means....

Hope you had fun!

She needs to learn what being a friend means - by cancelling plans with her other friends that were already arranged, for a last min invite from the OP??

Why does her friendship with OP mean more than her friendships with her other friends?

ShirleyPhallus · 10/01/2022 22:00

@Dibbydoos

Your friends needs to learn what being a friend means....

Hope you had fun!

You’d have cancelled your existing, established plans with friends in favour of someone who asked you to do something 2 days before? What a flake

Mymycherrypie · 10/01/2022 22:24

I can be in central London in 20 mins, have seen countless shows in my lifetime, and have never gone to the theatre without eating dinner first. Where did she think you would be eating? You’d think the kind thing to do is ask the friend giving you free tickets what they were up to? Especially as she knows you’d travelled so far to get there. Weird.

Mymycherrypie · 10/01/2022 22:26

And anyone saying “I’d be upset with you”… why would you be? Because you didn’t get the free stuff you’d been promised that was no longer on offer. Grubby tbh.

errnerrcallnernnernnern · 10/01/2022 22:28

Being a friend doesn't mean cancelling on already made plans for dinner by inviting someone else or cancelling because you got a "better" offer of the theatre.

But it does mean being happy for your friend when she finds someone to share the whole experience and cost with her - the travel south and the dinner.

Oneforthemoneytwo · 10/01/2022 23:07

And we never have dinner first. Always feel like it’s a bit of a rush and I don’t particularly like eating out at 6pm so we either grab something quick after and maybe a drink if it’s a short show or do a really quick Costa / pret before.

Cornishclio · 10/01/2022 23:20

I think you both should have been clearer when communicating but sometimes difficult when texting. For example you could have said You had two free tickets for the show and could do dinner and drinks beforehand to make the journey worthwhile. I would not have driven into Central London though. She should have told you she already had plans and not taken offence when you took someone else who could fit in with what you wanted. As effectively you were supplying the tickets she was being cheeky thinking she could just take the free ticket and the ride home without putting herself out at all to fit in with what you wanted.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/01/2022 23:33

If I’ve understood it right (and as most posters seem to be reading it), it was all part of the same text conversation where she said yes, then she explained about her plans with others etc, and in the end you said that you’d find someone else to share the whole experience? In which case absolutely YANBU, as she couldn’t agree to what was on offer.

You’d be a bit U if the rescinding of the offer (as it would be in her mind) was a day or two later than the original offer, after she’d been looking forward to it etc

I think it would be ideal to have said int he first place “are you up for dinner and then the theatre” but I can see why you thought this was a given, especially as you were coming from another part of the country. At any rate you explained that it wasn’t what you had in mind/ were offering so I think yanbu

GloriaSicTransitMundi · 10/01/2022 23:55

For all those saying OP allowed her other friend to pay the entire parking fee and dinner costs when she got the tickets free - remember OP would have petrol costs for a 5 hour return journey, and also stated she would be reimbursing her brother in some way for the tickets.

Sounds like OP didn't know her friend who lives near her was away in London for the weekend so understandably was thrown when she got the yes but 7.30 at the door answer. I voted YANBU, I think @CountryGirl17 did the right thing asking someone else. A friend who'd dump her friends for a free ticket might also have dumped OP or turned up so late they'd miss the first half.

Hemingwayscatz · 11/01/2022 00:03

YANBU, I think you did the right thing. She wanted a free trip to the theatre rather than a nice evening catching up with you.

HaveringWavering · 11/01/2022 00:47

YWNBU. More importantly, did you enjoy the show??

SunshineOnKeith · 11/01/2022 06:47

So you offered her a theatre ticket with no context or conditions, then when she couldn't meet the conditions you hadn't told her about, you withdrew it?
I think you need to work on your communication skills. You never actually told her her prior to accepting the ticket that you needed her to travel and fine with you?

You sound envious that your friend was having a lovely weekend and it sounds as if you decided to withdraw the ticket to punish her for having the experience that you wanted.

From her perspective you offered a ticket to a lovely evening, she accepted then you changed the goalposts and withdrew it because you're stroppy that she hadn't outlined all of her activities prior

You sound very rude

SunshineOnKeith · 11/01/2022 06:52

@Mymycherrypie

And anyone saying “I’d be upset with you”… why would you be? Because you didn’t get the free stuff you’d been promised that was no longer on offer. Grubby tbh.

Grubby to be disappointed when someone withdraws an invitation because you're unable to meet their uncommunicated expectations?

Lots of posters clearly expect their pals to be psychic and understand that an evening invitation to the theatre is actually a full day out including driving and dinner. Pretty entitled to expect your friends to know this when you can't be bothered to tell them, and then ditch them when they don't fall in line

Mymycherrypie · 11/01/2022 06:59

Yeah it is grubby because friend is not put out in anyway by losing out on the gift of free theatre tickets and in fact her weekend is made easier because she doesn’t have to rush away from the first round of friends she agreed to see.

I find this on mumsnet a lot. People pissed off that the favour they are doing you isn’t being done fast enough or right enough. She lost out on free tickets. It’s ungrateful to be upset with your friend for not giving something for free that was never yours in the first place.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/01/2022 07:13

@seekinglondonlife
I think op didn’t act assertively. People pleasing I imagine and perplexed her friend was not doing the same. From the friend’s perspective it may have come across as unreasonable. She was also being unreasonable by repeatedly asserting all was ok to meet at 7.30 (not 7.15) when it clearly wasn’t to the person, who invited her in the first place. Gotta be pretty thick skinned and not give a shit to realise maintaining this position isn’t ok.

My dd is 13 and I am teaching her to treat her friends with care rather than an option and convenience. A grown woman shouldn’t need to be told. Poor communication all round really and an op, who needs to work on her assertiveness.

SunshineOnKeith · 11/01/2022 07:32

@Mymycherrypie

So it's totally fine to rescind invitations and mess friends around if they aren't paying for things, and it's 'grubby' for them to feel disappointed at you withdrawing opportunities you've offered.

You seem to view your friends who should be grateful for any gift you bestow regardless of whether you choose to retract it.

What an awful attitude and terrible manners.

SunshineOnKeith · 11/01/2022 07:34

It’s ungrateful to be upset with your friend for not giving something for free that was never yours in the first place

So when some one offers you a ticket and you accept, it's not 'yours'?
Do take back gifts in a regular basis?

ManicPixie · 11/01/2022 07:38

I think you were right to change plans, however if you didn’t make it clear in the original invitation that you wanted to Siena more time together than just the play then I can also understand why she’s be slightly annoyed.

ManicPixie · 11/01/2022 07:38

*spend more time

MimiDaisy11 · 11/01/2022 07:48

You both showed poor communication skills. If someone offered me the ticket I’d have mentioned my plans prior to theatre show, but you should have mentioned what you had in mind.

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 11/01/2022 08:06

@Oneforthemoneytwo

really quick Costa / pret is a light and fairly crap dinner, but it's still dinner.

With a show timing at 7.15, most people would eat something beforehand and drinks after, or something light before and after. Either way, most of us are socialised to arrange to eat together rather than have two separate people hovering alone in the street with a wet sandwich, then meeting shortly afterwards.

NashvilleQueen · 11/01/2022 09:27

It might have been nicer for her to invite you along to her dinner and drinks and then the two of you head to the theatre. I can see both sides here.

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