Aibu to be upset by my DH’s rota

[Homerenonovice]

DH asked me to deal with something one week before Christmas and I said I couldn’t, I was at my max capacity mentally getting everything sorted for Christmas and our dd’s birthday which is a week later. Dh does help but the lion share of things falls to me as I work 3 days a week.

The task DH asked me to do had no fixed deadline so I said let’s pick it up in the new year.

Dh got annoyed with this, told me that I’d have more to think about when we start renovating our house so I tried to explain about mental load and how it all falls to me, he didn’t get it.

He took two tasks off my to-do list and thought that solved everything.

He’s spent the last few weeks since thinking he is doing 50% of everything but he doesn’t understand he really isn’t.

So after another row about this he has decided we need a fixed rota on who does what, splitting everything 50/50. I’ve attached a screenshot of his first draft.

Top 5 lines are his tasks, bottom 5 are mine. Our two children go nursery on my days at work and have all meals there. The blacked out bit is an identifiable activity that I occasionally attend.

I do genuinely think he is trying to help but really, is that all he thinks is needed to run a house and parent two small children?

How would you react to this rota?

Fill in all the hundreds of things he's missed out and allocate them 50/50? Or literally only do the things on the rota for a while until he wonders why the other stuff hasn't magically happened?

And replace dishwasher. It takes about 1.5 minutes to empty the dishwasher.

It's all physical stuff, isn't it? None of the mental load stuff .

Write your own list!

Play along, stick to the rota religiously and let him realise what's missing.

Based on the rota it won't take long for him to start to notice as no hoovering, clean sheets or shopping will be done.

Re-write the rota with all the things that really need doing, to make the point.

Tell him to read Fair Play by Eve Rodsky if he really wants to start dealing things out… if you sign up here you can print a set of 100 cards for him to start off with
www.fairplaylife.com/cardsmain

Add everything else to the rota and redistribute it 50/50.

I’d tell him that he’s missed loads off and write a list to show him!

Practical things are missing but also the mental load as you said.

Sorry but I genuinely couldn't live like that ...Rotas were for my student house days .

So you only clean the kitchen and bathroom, never wash up anything that can’t go in the dishwasher, don’t buy food, clothes, presents, pay bills, book activities, tidy up after the dc etc.

This calls for some malicious compliance. Do nothing else. Let us know how it goes!

@Ohisitreally

Sorry but I genuinely couldn't live like that ...Rotas were for my student house days .

I was thinking that too. And I can imagine my DH's face if we had a rota. He doesn't like shopping lists.

You said yourself it was his first draft. “Upset” is pointless. Use it as a first draft, and add things. There was a long thread on Chat last week with the OP asking for a list of things… she didn’t now either. It is a pretty basic list, but it’s pointless being upset with it. Use it. Develop it.

Hope no one needs to see the GP or dentist or attend any appointment or pay any bills any time soon 😬

But I mean if he didn’t even think of something as basic as hoovering then no wonder they’re not included!

I'm a lone parent, so I actually made my own daily/weekly/monthly checklists and they are huge. Just so much stuff to do all the time to stay on top of things and "cook dinner" seems easy but you have to meal plan something healthy the kids will eat, shop for ingredients, put the shopping away, check expiration dates. It's really a much bigger task that throwing a few things in a pan.

He's being a dick!

I would write every single thing down that you do in say a fortnight and show it to him.

When I say develop it btw, I don’t mean you have to write it. But stick it up and tell him you’re sure you’ll both think of other things, and to write them on by hand if done - with the plan that next week, he then types those newly thought of items on too.

Don’t forget to add ‘earn money’ to the days that it applies

He’s forgotten that you and he need to eat even on the days the kids are in nursery, and that means dishwasher.
I’d add in more things to give a more realistic rota.

I’d do it for a week but at the same time write a list of every other single task you do/have as part of the mental load then ask him to add them to the next week’s rota. Then I’d repeat that every week until the list was an enormous spreadsheet

Well it's only going to take until Weds for it all to fall apart when nobody has been rota'd to make dinner

Did you see the mental load thread from the other day?

I think people are missing the point that he is basically minimising what the OP does by boiling it down to just a few tasks every day.

I was also run off my feet and stressed before Christmas. I think a lot of people were.

I think if he really wants to share the load, then leave him in charge of whole tasks for a week, such as he can do the cooking but that also means he has to meal plan, shop, put away groceries, etc. Or he can be in charge of laundry for the week, so he has to wash, dry, put away clothes, iron, etc. Or he can be in charge of keeping the bathroom and kitchen clean for the week, so that means mopping floors, stocking toilet paper, changing towels, etc. He needs to understand that there are many parts to each task that needs time and energy.

Do exactly what it says

Well it's only going to take until Weds for it all to fall apart when nobody has been rota'd to make dinner

🤣🤣 Yeah it's a bit rubbish as rotas go!