Aibu to be upset by my DH’s rota

[Homerenonovice]

DH asked me to deal with something one week before Christmas and I said I couldn’t, I was at my max capacity mentally getting everything sorted for Christmas and our dd’s birthday which is a week later. Dh does help but the lion share of things falls to me as I work 3 days a week.

The task DH asked me to do had no fixed deadline so I said let’s pick it up in the new year.

Dh got annoyed with this, told me that I’d have more to think about when we start renovating our house so I tried to explain about mental load and how it all falls to me, he didn’t get it.

He took two tasks off my to-do list and thought that solved everything.

He’s spent the last few weeks since thinking he is doing 50% of everything but he doesn’t understand he really isn’t.

So after another row about this he has decided we need a fixed rota on who does what, splitting everything 50/50. I’ve attached a screenshot of his first draft.

Top 5 lines are his tasks, bottom 5 are mine. Our two children go nursery on my days at work and have all meals there. The blacked out bit is an identifiable activity that I occasionally attend.

I do genuinely think he is trying to help but really, is that all he thinks is needed to run a house and parent two small children?

How would you react to this rota?

@MaybeHeIsMyCat

He's being ridiculous. I don't have DC and today this is what I did to get stuff ready for the week - it's stuff you just do without realising it that's the hard stuff! And I'm not saying this is hard stuff bit this was a fairly quiet Sunday

Bedding change
Laundry in and then hung out
Restocked bathrooms with toilet roll, toilet cleaner and cleaned them
Sorted the recycling
Made apple crumble to use up some apples
Grated cheese, boiled eggs
Took a food shop in and put it away, cleaned the fridge and checked all use by dates
Wiped the sink
Wiped the worktops
Work related laptop stuff
Charged toothbrush, speaker and other bits
Emailed 2 people about garden
Emailed to cancel an insurance policy
Went online to fill in a form that needed doing
Hoovered
Restocked cat litter
Ordered cat food
Emailed to book oven clean

I am sure there is much, much more

Christ alive! Since when is grating cheese a domestic chore? Along with some of your other offerings

Bloody hell.

This post is one of those infuriating posts where OP says ' I've got too much to cope with.'
OH says he's got too much on too. But we're not told what OH's commitments are and we get told that grating cheese is a chore.

@DroopyClematis but that's my point! It's stuff that I do without thinking about it that needs doing as I mooch about the house on a Sunday

But would the ops husband think to do the small things like that, that she does without thinking? It's bits that make life easier for me which is why I do it
The grated cheese is part of a meal for tomorrow, I work FT from home and I cannot leave my desk between 9-6 unless I'm on a break so I make everything as easy as possible for when I finish work as I'm working 6 days this week

I'm not saying it's a chore

It's the example of mental load

Man - goes to toilet
Woman - goes to toilet, spots toothpaste is low, adds to shopping list, wipes the sink, realises they need to pack shampoo for the DC swimming, the sealant needs redoing and the towel is looking scruffy

Man - makes a cup of coffee
Woman - makes a cup of coffee, washes up teaspoon plus assorted other stuff, notices milk is low, chicken is out of date today so better cook that, fridge light isn't working, wipes worktops....

Tell him it should be a week a and week b rota. Looks like you have the short straw with 3 days cooking, washing and ironing down as one which in fact are 2 separate time consuming jobs compared to putting rubbish out. Who's doing the hoovering, picking up toys, entertaining kids, putting them to bed, reading stories, organising bags for nursery and all the rest of it. His jobs seem to be the much less time consuming ones.

He's a douchebag, sorry

Love the concept of Malicious Compliance - may have to pinch this.

@MaybeHeIsMyCat

I'm not saying it's a chore

It's the example of mental load

Man - goes to toilet
Woman - goes to toilet, spots toothpaste is low, adds to shopping list, wipes the sink, realises they need to pack shampoo for the DC swimming, the sealant needs redoing and the towel is looking scruffy

Man - makes a cup of coffee
Woman - makes a cup of coffee, washes up teaspoon plus assorted other stuff, notices milk is low, chicken is out of date today so better cook that, fridge light isn't working, wipes worktops....

Ugh, this is so true. I went to out some things in a cupboard earlier, discovered cupboard was a disaster area because kids had been ferreting in it and rammed contents back randomly. I finished up emptying and sorting the ccupboard.. DH would have just put the things on top of the disaster in the cupboard.

@MaybeHeIsMyCat

I'm not saying it's a chore

It's the example of mental load

Man - goes to toilet
Woman - goes to toilet, spots toothpaste is low, adds to shopping list, wipes the sink, realises they need to pack shampoo for the DC swimming, the sealant needs redoing and the towel is looking scruffy

Man - makes a cup of coffee
Woman - makes a cup of coffee, washes up teaspoon plus assorted other stuff, notices milk is low, chicken is out of date today so better cook that, fridge light isn't working, wipes worktops....

Men do all of these things too, you know.

Except the towels, for some unfathomable reason.

Wow! Don’t fill in anything in that’s spoon feeding him. Just do what it says on the list, nothing more, nothing less, safe in the knowledge that it will go wrong very quickly as his list is woeful.
Then when this happens you can do the real list and split it fairly then.

The downloadable pdf rota sheets here are brilliant: (scroll down to the bottom of the page) herestheplanbook.com/dividing-household-responsibilities

A week A week B rota won't necessarily help with the mental load as you can with a lot of things safely leave it a week anyway (eg noticing in time you are running low in x so it needs to be added to the shopping list an bought and put away...)

@CheshireChat

No, don't add anything yourself, just tell him you're only doing the tasks on there and nothing more and if he's not happy with that, then he needs to fix it. Otherwise it's more wifework for you.

This is exactly what (many) men do, they have an inclusive list of housework they do weekly...

I empty bins and dishwasher.... Even if movínt very slowly less than 60 mins WEEKLY!

Whereas women have the Exclusive list.... I do EVERYTHING apart from (eg) the bins and dishwasher.

It's a bit sparse isn't it?

I'd get a 12 month calendar and mark on important dates like birthdays/anniversaries etc and tell your husband his needs to take care of those. Need a dental appointment for your child? Tell him to sort it. Need to phone the council cos the bins havent been emptied? Chuck that job his way. Anything to do with insurances? Give that job to him.

He has left off loads on that list. What happens if your child gas an accident and you need to clean pee off the carpet? Amongst the general 'main tasks' of day to day living, children always bring with them extra jobs to do. My laundry can pile up at the drop of a hat!

I dont think he gets it at all. I'm a lone parent and I'm fairly certain I've knocked out half a days work since getting up this morning.

@k1233 that is a great idea for those jobs neither of us likes, can’t believe I’ve never thought of that! Thank you!

Is he in management? He looks very much like he’s trying to manage you or worse he’s trying to parent you.

He thinks that you are lazy.

It’s a really sad and slightly mad way to have a relationship.

@NoCapesDarling

This calls for some malicious compliance. Do nothing else. Let us know how it goes!

THIS

God, he's a twat. Twatty 2022.

I would refuse to live like this and I'd be pulling him up on missing off all the things you actually do whilst highlighting how little he does.

He clearly wants to use rota as a stick to beat you with. It's amazing that he thinks the kids are bathed twice a week and dinner mostly delivered by fairies. Also he gers "washing" you get "washing and ironing" . Nope!

@DroopyClematis

This post is one of those infuriating posts where OP says ' I've got too much to cope with.' OH says he's got too much on too. But we're not told what OH's commitments are and we get told that grating cheese is a chore.

Christ alive! Since when is grating cheese a domestic chore?

Its meal prep for the next day.

Dismissing the myriad of small tasks done by women in household management is a stock tactic by men to undermine the time and effort women put into running a family.

On that basis putting out the bins is not a chore either and any idiot who equates "laundry/ironing" as one task compared to putting out bins or loading the dishwasher is either stupid or lazy.

Note that on the one day superman does the laundry it doesn't include ironing and apparently this paragon of organisation thinks the food fairies will be bringing his meals on some days.

Dismissing the myriad of small tasks done by women in household management is a stock tactic by men to undermine the time and effort women put into running a family.

A lot of MN scoff at mental load.(although I guess a lot might outsource a lot of chores which possibly helps)
Remembering birthdays, wrapping presents, school dress up days (and preparing a suitable item to wear) appointments, paying for school items, checking congestion charge account, sorting out insurance policies, car services and MOTS etc , booking and paying for extra curricular activities, reading and actioning the daily emails on covid policy at school, booking parents evening apts, making sure pe kit is clean for appropriate days, ensuring kids have a clean mask every day etc etc

Each task on its own is barely worth a mention, and might take seconds, but it's the cumulative effect on top of working and household chores and picking up everyone else's clothes that feels never ending.

How did he manage this morning OP?

Does he eat food? Oh dear.

And to the poster who wouldn't laugh in his face? So you'd infantalise him and patronise an adult who can clearly see that this list is absolutely shit. My teenager could come up with a better list of household must do jobs.

I knew my post wouldn't be popular on here, but my thinking is this.

OP is married to this man. That actually means something to a lot of people. They have 2 dc together. They have presumably been together for some years and there much be a strong love, and presumably friendship at the heart of the relationship in which there is a lot invested.
They are now in a place where the dh isn't anywhere near pulling his weight.
I have no idea how they have got to that place. I would have challenged any signs of my dh not pulling his weight when we first started dating, let alone when he first stayed over, or when we first started living together. Again when we were talking about being serious, before we got married, and obviously before having dc. However, for whatever reasons that we don't know, that hasn't happened here so the OP has the choice of accepting this clumsy attempt to put things on a fairer footing - which no-one is disagreeing is just a ludicrous assessment of what goes on in a home - or do all the passive aggressive, childish, name calling and game playing that has been suggested.

To my mind, the route most likely to improve things, is to take the time now to say "actually, dh, it goes more like this....." and list out everything she does from opening her eyes first thing in the morning until closing them at night.

No, I'm not excusing him.
No, I can't understand how they have got this far.
No I wouldn't have got this far committing to anyone in a relationship who didn't pull their weight.
However , working on the presumption the OP loves her dh and wants the marriage to work and wants her 2 dc to grow up not only in a secure unit with both their parents, but also seeing adults model how to work together and respect each other, then spending time to work out a solution seems a better route to go down than telling him to F off, or walking out of the home for a week, or any of the other suggestions on this thread.

My dh will get our kids dressed, ready for school, with snacks easily enough. What he won't do is hang up their pjs, make beds or get them to attempt it (4 and 5 years old), do a quick tidy up of their rooms before coming downstairs. He will plate up cereal, sort out snacks and encourage them to eat and then leave. In that time though I would put a wash on, put some porridge on for the both of us, give the kids their breakfast and encourage them to eat. I still manage to get them to the door quicker than he does. So it isn't fair to say that we both do the same tasks in the morning. The putting a wash on, making porridge for us, sterilising bottles for baby etc is forward planning that I do and where he is lacking. He compartmentalises tasks whereas I see the bigger picture. Your dh is doing the same. You need to have a sit down chat and explain exactly what you do and how you think to help him realise that your load is heavier. I did and it helped so much, dh has gotten into the habit of seeing what else needs done and doing it before I get to it.