Aibu to be upset by my DH’s rota

[Homerenonovice]

DH asked me to deal with something one week before Christmas and I said I couldn’t, I was at my max capacity mentally getting everything sorted for Christmas and our dd’s birthday which is a week later. Dh does help but the lion share of things falls to me as I work 3 days a week.

The task DH asked me to do had no fixed deadline so I said let’s pick it up in the new year.

Dh got annoyed with this, told me that I’d have more to think about when we start renovating our house so I tried to explain about mental load and how it all falls to me, he didn’t get it.

He took two tasks off my to-do list and thought that solved everything.

He’s spent the last few weeks since thinking he is doing 50% of everything but he doesn’t understand he really isn’t.

So after another row about this he has decided we need a fixed rota on who does what, splitting everything 50/50. I’ve attached a screenshot of his first draft.

Top 5 lines are his tasks, bottom 5 are mine. Our two children go nursery on my days at work and have all meals there. The blacked out bit is an identifiable activity that I occasionally attend.

I do genuinely think he is trying to help but really, is that all he thinks is needed to run a house and parent two small children?

How would you react to this rota?

Simply do only those things on the list. You say you don't want to because it'll cause an argument - it takes 2 to argue. Don't engage. Tell him you tried reasoning and discussing so he could understand how much more you do than he thinks but, for whatever reasons, that didn't work so you thought sticking to the rota may be a good way to show him.

Personally, I'd be more upset that his response to you saying that you don't have the capacity to do something at this present time resulted in him minimising your needs to lack of planning/inability to manage your time. Rotas can be helpful but in this context, it's like he's belittling you

I must be getting old; a rota in my house would mean divorce. Is it not passive-aggressive and a cause for constant friction?

@StargazerAli

I must be getting old; a rota in my house would mean divorce. Is it not passive-aggressive and a cause for constant friction?

I guess it could be, but so is leaving an unfair amount of shitwork to one partner and claiming it isn't a problem.

If it actually works for a couple and solves the problem, then great. But how much use it is when dealing with a man who thinks a family household needs nothing more than dinner, bins, bath and "nursery", whatever that means, a few times a week...I don't know. Especially when dinner and bath don't seem to happen every day for him.

@StargazerAli

I must be getting old; a rota in my house would mean divorce. Is it not passive-aggressive and a cause for constant friction?

What would be a greater source of friction than one partner not pulling their weight?

As he will be shut away in the bedroom for a week with Covid, I suggest you do everything and write it all down and then with a real list you can divide it equally. When you have the kids at home on your days off from paid work, does he see this as work?

@PeachyPeachTrees he sees my two days off as me costing us money. We would be better off if I did work full time, but then our very young children would be in nursery 7.30am-6.30pm, 5 days a week and I’d be working a lot more adhoc evenings as well. We are financially comfortable, we don’t need the extra couple of hundred pound a month, although it would help with the house renovations we want to do.