Aibu to be upset by my DH’s rota

[Homerenonovice]

DH asked me to deal with something one week before Christmas and I said I couldn’t, I was at my max capacity mentally getting everything sorted for Christmas and our dd’s birthday which is a week later. Dh does help but the lion share of things falls to me as I work 3 days a week.

The task DH asked me to do had no fixed deadline so I said let’s pick it up in the new year.

Dh got annoyed with this, told me that I’d have more to think about when we start renovating our house so I tried to explain about mental load and how it all falls to me, he didn’t get it.

He took two tasks off my to-do list and thought that solved everything.

He’s spent the last few weeks since thinking he is doing 50% of everything but he doesn’t understand he really isn’t.

So after another row about this he has decided we need a fixed rota on who does what, splitting everything 50/50. I’ve attached a screenshot of his first draft.

Top 5 lines are his tasks, bottom 5 are mine. Our two children go nursery on my days at work and have all meals there. The blacked out bit is an identifiable activity that I occasionally attend.

I do genuinely think he is trying to help but really, is that all he thinks is needed to run a house and parent two small children?

How would you react to this rota?

To my mind, the route most likely to improve things, is to take the time now to say "actually, dh, it goes more like this....." and list out everything she does from opening her eyes first thing in the morning until closing them at night.

But, again, it's all down to the Op to make him understand. Why can't he just open his eyes and see how hard she works and how much she does every day? Surely, he knows that someone has to buy groceries, someone has to cook dinner EVERY night, someone has to make breakfast, someone has to vacuum? I'm guessing he's not stupid. He must know there is much much more to running a home with kids than his sad little rota.

Do people actually live like this? We just do what needs doing.

There is an enormous amount missing for just getting on with daily life and for whatever reason OP feels it’s unjust that DH doesn’t appreciate it. For example my own ‘to do’ list for today contains 10 items and that’s in addition to working 8.30-5 and the obvious stuff DH has pointed out.
These are things like mending PE kit, collecting prescriptions, buying preferred cereal etc. The OP’s DH has not factored anything like this as the ‘general mental load’ in that keeps a household ticking along.

We use the 'Lists to Do' app. There is a facility to share or delegate items from the list. I love it, DH is not as keen, but it works well!.......

@MaybeHeIsMyCat

He's being ridiculous. I don't have DC and today this is what I did to get stuff ready for the week - it's stuff you just do without realising it that's the hard stuff! And I'm not saying this is hard stuff bit this was a fairly quiet Sunday

Bedding change
Laundry in and then hung out
Restocked bathrooms with toilet roll, toilet cleaner and cleaned them
Sorted the recycling
Made apple crumble to use up some apples
Grated cheese, boiled eggs
Took a food shop in and put it away, cleaned the fridge and checked all use by dates
Wiped the sink
Wiped the worktops
Work related laptop stuff
Charged toothbrush, speaker and other bits
Emailed 2 people about garden
Emailed to cancel an insurance policy
Went online to fill in a form that needed doing
Hoovered
Restocked cat litter
Ordered cat food
Emailed to book oven clean

I am sure there is much, much more

Oh that reminds me. I need to:

Book car for MOT
Order more (prescription diet) cat food
Plan meals for next 5 days and place online grocery order
Book appt to get boiler serviced
Book council to take away bulky item
Find a builder to come and look at the problem with the chimney

Sorry I couldn't live like this in my house. Both parents should be collaborative when it comes to housework. Any unbalance should be communicated and listened to like adults. If it got to the point I needed a rota I'd think I just married wrong!

But, again, it's all down to the Op to make him understand. Why can't he just open his eyes and see how hard she works and how much she does every day? Surely, he knows that someone has to buy groceries, someone has to cook dinner EVERY night, someone has to make breakfast, someone has to vacuum? I'm guessing he's not stupid. He must know there is much much more to running a home with kids than his sad little rota.

Absolutely.
Not disagreeing with you.
I can't see how a functioning adult has got this far in life presuming there is some sort of housework fairy that does it but the fact of the matter is this is where the OP is, and, that is a route to make things better. She can sit pontificating that she shouldn't have to, and - as she has found out - still end up with all the work or she can accept this is the starting point and look for the best way out of it to a better place.

I understand. I think a better approach is to give him whole tasks. For example, it's easy to put laundry in the machine, add soap and press the button, but putting him in sole charge of laundry from picking it up from around the house, washing, drying, ironing, folding, putting away, refilling nursery bags, etc. would help him understand better what's involved in a task.

Anyone else wondering who's cooking dinner tonight and whether his 'washing' is still in the washing machine awaiting the fairies?!

Anyone else wondering who's cooking dinner tonight

I'm making a guess...

@NoCapesDarling

"malicious compliance"

A phrase I've never encountered before, but one that's about to shape my life.

The children don’t seem to figure on it when they are not at nursery
!!
What do they do?
Stand in corners silently ?

You work 3 days. Does he work 4? I wouldn't consider nursery drop off/pick up housework (it's more of a case of who.is available to do it) so I'd say it's a pretty even split. I do.get what your saying about mental.load. I seem to take on the entire mental load (but then I am more organised and bossy😆).

Never heard anything like it in a relationship!

I would do one of two things

A: write your own list of everything you do, every day of the week for a week and then ask him how to split it.

B: don’t do anything that isn’t on the list and see what happens.

My husband didn’t understand how much I did on a daily basis so he now doesn’t live here and although it means I still do everything myself and don’t have a second income it’s still a little bit less work because it’s one person less of washing, food etc

I'd give him all the hard bits and so the easy things for a change let him see how hard you work to keep you're children clean fresh clothing food cooking cleaning love affection attention play safe place all that care you make for them when he not there helping you running around cleaning a whole house trying to hold yourself up. For a rota I definitely give the hard stuff to him. X

It's even really tiny things on the mental load that all add up. Like DH isn't on the parents' WhatsApp for DD's year because he finds it tedious. It is tedious and mostly about hockey or rugby training and who left their tracksuit top where and now can't find it, but every so often I find out things that DD hasn't told me. Like today one of the parents said that they need a copy of Animal Farm which had been accidentally left off the book list. I know that DD will tell me this on the morning that she needs to bring it in, but because I've already found out about it I have ordered a copy online.

I don't even mention these things, I mean it took me longer to write it just now than to actually do it. But I have just realised that even though I think of myself as having offloaded a lot of wife work (I don't buy presents for his family anymore for instance) I still do a load of little things without even thinking about it.

I'm reminded of the old joke about the man who comes home from work to find the house trashed and filthy, the kids hungry and unwashed and no dinner prepared. He asks his wife what on earth happened. She replies, "You know how you always ask me what I do all day? Well today I didn't do it."

That's hilarious!
You need to add
Washing
Putting away laundry
Dusting
Vacuuming
Changing bed linen
Picking up toys
Brushing hair/teeth
Getting them dressed
Dealing with nursery
Food shopping
Cooking
Gardening
Bday presents
Christmas presents
On and on. Just write down every single thing that you do and then write down the jobs that he does. Then suggest that you alternate chore weeks, and sit down and put your feet up for a week.

I think you'd appreciate this, @Homerenonovice

Mine told me the mental load stuff was a load of bollocks, funny that seeing as though he never has to do any of it

Get him to read Fed Up by Gemma Hartley AND as others have said, add every single thing you do to that list……

Why have you got 13 chores and him 6. Does he think because you are PT you should do double?

@Kite22 DH always did his fair share until I went on maternity leave, when I naturally picked up more. Now I’m back to work, I’m still doing the lion share.

The funny thing with all this is I never asked him to do 50%, as I do work less hours than him, albeit I have the children. I just said I didn’t have the mental capacity for that specific task at that time. All I ever ask of him, is for him to appreciate what I do and clear up, wash up after himself.

He does actually

@Scottsy100

Mine told me the mental load stuff was a load of bollocks, funny that seeing as though he never has to do any of it

So stop doing it and let him see how much bollocks it is.