Aibu to be upset by my DH’s rota

[Homerenonovice]

DH asked me to deal with something one week before Christmas and I said I couldn’t, I was at my max capacity mentally getting everything sorted for Christmas and our dd’s birthday which is a week later. Dh does help but the lion share of things falls to me as I work 3 days a week.

The task DH asked me to do had no fixed deadline so I said let’s pick it up in the new year.

Dh got annoyed with this, told me that I’d have more to think about when we start renovating our house so I tried to explain about mental load and how it all falls to me, he didn’t get it.

He took two tasks off my to-do list and thought that solved everything.

He’s spent the last few weeks since thinking he is doing 50% of everything but he doesn’t understand he really isn’t.

So after another row about this he has decided we need a fixed rota on who does what, splitting everything 50/50. I’ve attached a screenshot of his first draft.

Top 5 lines are his tasks, bottom 5 are mine. Our two children go nursery on my days at work and have all meals there. The blacked out bit is an identifiable activity that I occasionally attend.

I do genuinely think he is trying to help but really, is that all he thinks is needed to run a house and parent two small children?

How would you react to this rota?

[Homerenonovice]

@PeachyPeachTrees he sees my two days off as me costing us money. We would be better off if I did work full time, but then our very young children would be in nursery 7.30am-6.30pm, 5 days a week and I’d be working a lot more adhoc evenings as well. We are financially comfortable, we don’t need the extra couple of hundred pound a month, although it would help with the house renovations we want to do.

[PeachyPeachTrees]

As he will be shut away in the bedroom for a week with Covid, I suggest you do everything and write it all down and then with a real list you can divide it equally. When you have the kids at home on your days off from paid work, does he see this as work?

[TatianaBis]

@StargazerAli

I must be getting old; a rota in my house would mean divorce. Is it not passive-aggressive and a cause for constant friction?

What would be a greater source of friction than one partner not pulling their weight?

[DrSbaitso]

@StargazerAli

I must be getting old; a rota in my house would mean divorce. Is it not passive-aggressive and a cause for constant friction?

I guess it could be, but so is leaving an unfair amount of shitwork to one partner and claiming it isn't a problem.

If it actually works for a couple and solves the problem, then great. But how much use it is when dealing with a man who thinks a family household needs nothing more than dinner, bins, bath and "nursery", whatever that means, a few times a week...I don't know. Especially when dinner and bath don't seem to happen every day for him.

[StargazerAli]

I must be getting old; a rota in my house would mean divorce. Is it not passive-aggressive and a cause for constant friction?

[MadMadaMim]

Simply do only those things on the list. You say you don't want to because it'll cause an argument - it takes 2 to argue. Don't engage. Tell him you tried reasoning and discussing so he could understand how much more you do than he thinks but, for whatever reasons, that didn't work so you thought sticking to the rota may be a good way to show him.

Personally, I'd be more upset that his response to you saying that you don't have the capacity to do something at this present time resulted in him minimising your needs to lack of planning/inability to manage your time. Rotas can be helpful but in this context, it's like he's belittling you

[TooManyPJs]

Ha ha ha ha ha! Is my response to that list!

I'm just putting together my lists JUST for next Christmas (I'm doing it while I remember!!!). So far I have 18 tasks on my to-do list (and that's far from complete) (tasks start in October), a very long note covering all things Christmas food including things to make and when, food to buy in sections and split into different shops, and buy ahead/buy in week before, non food items we may need but are easily forgotten (eg paracetamol, order medication etc), a rough food plan, and I've tacked on Christmas dinner timings so I don't need to work it out (again!) this year! I have also downloaded a new Xmas present app that I'll be using this year which I am starting to pre populate.

It's not done yet lol!

And that's just Christmas. I do think some men just think it all happens via bloody magic fairies.

NB in my to do app I have 358 items currently - that covers everything incl the Christmas ones I mention above plus regular tasks from house renovations to cleaning to grocery shopping.

[Mamanyt]

I would redo the rota, adding everything he left out, and listing the approximate time it takes to do each task, and using a star or color system to assign effort required. One star, easy, etc. or red yellow green with green being easy. Or whatever makes sense to you, so long as it accounts for easy, moderate, difficult. It will take time, but he may understand better.

[Emerald5hamrock]

I'd let the list slide if he is usually hands on.

It seems like he is stressed, you're so busy too, give him the ironing and bathroom cleaning while he's is isolating in his mask with bottle of bleach.

Set up a chart for the mental loads though if he is looking after household bills he is involved in the mental load.

I'm a list maker.

[LunaAndHerMoonDragons]

@TooMinty

Fill in all the hundreds of things he's missed out and allocate them 50/50? Or literally only do the things on the rota for a while until he wonders why the other stuff hasn't magically happened?

This. Wrote it all out, allocate it, you could add rough times for activities, like unpack dishwasher 5-10 minutes, as not all the the same amount of time. If he can't listen and take it on board, that would be another bigger issue.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

He can’t have COVID- it’s not on the rota 🤣

(Sympathies to you both we are in day 5 of it here)

[Authenticcelestialmusic]

I’d swap your list on a Friday for his bins.

[CrankyFrankie]

I actually think this is quite cute... but if your kids are still small, then there’s no reason why you should be doing more around the house (other than maybe meals). I get far less done when I’m looking after the little ones - WFH makes household chores a cinch!

[Youmeandourthree]

That made me chuckle sorry! That’s probably about what mine would come up with. Don’t get mad, just do your allocated bits and calmly add on all the other things you would ordinarily do as you think of them. Don’t forget admin stuff, eg tax car, buy sisters birthday present, secret Santa, ring the window cleaner, book holiday, Sometimes I’ve listed the things I’ve done in the day and it’s staggering, i just do things automatically and don’t realise how much I do. I’ve also tried the not doing anything but that usually ends in a row over the mess 😂

[givethatbabyaname]

He’s even left the mental load of doing the rota to you 🙄

[C8H10N4O2]

I blame the lack of domestic science at school if young people, boys and girls,were taught these skills they would at least know they needed doing by the time they become parents

I never had any domestic science teaching at school, nor did DH. Nor did our adult DC apart from some basic CDT in junior level. All of us somehow managed to learn the basics of looking after ourselves, our homes, pay bills, remember family birthdays etc.

Its not the fault of schools if some men are feckless, self centred arses who think their wives are surrogate mothers /PAs to pander to their refusal to pull their weight at home.

[maybloss2]

Plus if you have a good rota you can know crucially when you have ‘time off’ to do fun things. In theory it could make the chore doing more efficient so you get time off or more of it.

[maybloss2]

My partner won’t allow Rotas either ( he does chores but not all of them and he has two teens) so I live with a permanent sense of simmering annoyance at the things they don’t do.
Go with the rota but start a list of all the things you do.
I blame the lack of domestic science at school if young people, boys and girls,were taught these skills they would at least know they needed doing by the time they become parents. And it wouldn’t just me mum/dad nagging them at home.
The teens in my house operate domestically imo at the level of a 10yr old from my generation.

[BrownStripePJ]

That list is only about 10% of a household task list surely?

Have you added the other tasks yet?

[Pleezgivemestrength]

Does he like eating through straw. I would love my fella to try this one😖

[Homerenonovice]

Sorry I didn’t mean to hit send earlier, the kids interrupted!

In my DH’s defence, he does do more than what’s on the list. He is actually in charge of paying all household bills, anything garden related and we split anything car related.

Typically he has tested positive for covid today, so he is shut away in a bedroom to try and protect me and the girls from catching it. Means that I’ll be doing everything and waiting on him the next few days!

[Mollymoostoo]

@HalfShrunkMoreToGo

Play along, stick to the rota religiously and let him realise what's missing.

Based on the rota it won't take long for him to start to notice as no hoovering, clean sheets or shopping will be done.

This. Don't dress your child either or do the shopping or anything else. Give it a week.

[ginforever]

Add to his list: call Sky to ask for a discount,
Call southern water or electricity company to claim back money owed to you, Book children eye sight/hearing appointment at specsavers, tell the school they will be off for the morning, make him book his morning off work as well, take them to the appt, haha there’s so much!
I’m actually having fun as you can see, he will be shocked when you add to his list and be extremely upset that he didn’t manage to do what you expected him to do :( he’s a dick !

[ginforever]

@StrangerThanSpring

I think people are missing the point that he is basically minimising what the OP does by boiling it down to just a few tasks every day.

I was also run off my feet and stressed before Christmas. I think a lot of people were.

I think if he really wants to share the load, then leave him in charge of whole tasks for a week, such as he can do the cooking but that also means he has to meal plan, shop, put away groceries, etc. Or he can be in charge of laundry for the week, so he has to wash, dry, put away clothes, iron, etc. Or he can be in charge of keeping the bathroom and kitchen clean for the week, so that means mopping floors, stocking toilet paper, changing towels, etc. He needs to understand that there are many parts to each task that needs time and energy.

Can’t agree more ! 👍🏻

[CallmeBadJanet]

@Homerenonovice Darling husband...you can fuck right off!