Aibu to be upset by my DH’s rota

[Homerenonovice]

DH asked me to deal with something one week before Christmas and I said I couldn’t, I was at my max capacity mentally getting everything sorted for Christmas and our dd’s birthday which is a week later. Dh does help but the lion share of things falls to me as I work 3 days a week.

The task DH asked me to do had no fixed deadline so I said let’s pick it up in the new year.

Dh got annoyed with this, told me that I’d have more to think about when we start renovating our house so I tried to explain about mental load and how it all falls to me, he didn’t get it.

He took two tasks off my to-do list and thought that solved everything.

He’s spent the last few weeks since thinking he is doing 50% of everything but he doesn’t understand he really isn’t.

So after another row about this he has decided we need a fixed rota on who does what, splitting everything 50/50. I’ve attached a screenshot of his first draft.

Top 5 lines are his tasks, bottom 5 are mine. Our two children go nursery on my days at work and have all meals there. The blacked out bit is an identifiable activity that I occasionally attend.

I do genuinely think he is trying to help but really, is that all he thinks is needed to run a house and parent two small children?

How would you react to this rota?

I would shove that list right up his BOTTOM

@LittleMG

I would shove that list right up his BOTTOM

Need to add it as a task first.

I think that to write a list is a bit bizarre to start with. But I do uNader stand that is better to remember when written down.
I started my first full time job after working “around the children” for the last 10 years.
I didn’t know how I would do that. Honestly.

I wrote lists of the things our dears forget along the years just to make sense of the overload that is alway forgot by our DP’s.
Dr. Appointments, dentists, school commitments for both kids - meetings, homework’s, assignments etc, house stuff- insurances, renewals, broken things that needs sorted, cupboards stock, fridge/ freezer stock/clear, mentally knowing what’s needed int he house for the next shopping trip - lists?, family birthday, sorting out cards/ presents, childrens activities/birthday parties to go, nursery/childcare payments, tax returns, MOT’s, uniforms, and the list goes on and on…..
Christ ! They don’t know a thing !

Write it all down, share accordingly.
I did it. Once I started working full time, there goes his stuff to do - don’t ask me how, I don’t want to know… and here’s mine.
I didn’t feel sorry, I asked when I need things done, I don’t expect him to know or “guess” how they like to say.

Write your list down as it goes, and distribute haha
Happy shores sharing ! I hope you do well :)

Hahahaha I thought exactly the same !!!

@LittleMG

I would shove that list right up his BOTTOM

This 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻

I'm so sorry you are married to this dick
How can you live like this?

@Homerenonovice Darling husband...you can fuck right off!

@StrangerThanSpring

I think people are missing the point that he is basically minimising what the OP does by boiling it down to just a few tasks every day.

I was also run off my feet and stressed before Christmas. I think a lot of people were.

I think if he really wants to share the load, then leave him in charge of whole tasks for a week, such as he can do the cooking but that also means he has to meal plan, shop, put away groceries, etc. Or he can be in charge of laundry for the week, so he has to wash, dry, put away clothes, iron, etc. Or he can be in charge of keeping the bathroom and kitchen clean for the week, so that means mopping floors, stocking toilet paper, changing towels, etc. He needs to understand that there are many parts to each task that needs time and energy.

Can’t agree more ! 👍🏻

Add to his list: call Sky to ask for a discount,
Call southern water or electricity company to claim back money owed to you, Book children eye sight/hearing appointment at specsavers, tell the school they will be off for the morning, make him book his morning off work as well, take them to the appt, haha there’s so much!
I’m actually having fun as you can see, he will be shocked when you add to his list and be extremely upset that he didn’t manage to do what you expected him to do :( he’s a dick !

@HalfShrunkMoreToGo

Play along, stick to the rota religiously and let him realise what's missing.

Based on the rota it won't take long for him to start to notice as no hoovering, clean sheets or shopping will be done.

This. Don't dress your child either or do the shopping or anything else. Give it a week.

Sorry I didn’t mean to hit send earlier, the kids interrupted!

In my DH’s defence, he does do more than what’s on the list. He is actually in charge of paying all household bills, anything garden related and we split anything car related.

Typically he has tested positive for covid today, so he is shut away in a bedroom to try and protect me and the girls from catching it. Means that I’ll be doing everything and waiting on him the next few days!

Does he like eating through straw. I would love my fella to try this one😖

That list is only about 10% of a household task list surely?

Have you added the other tasks yet?

My partner won’t allow Rotas either ( he does chores but not all of them and he has two teens) so I live with a permanent sense of simmering annoyance at the things they don’t do.
Go with the rota but start a list of all the things you do.
I blame the lack of domestic science at school if young people, boys and girls,were taught these skills they would at least know they needed doing by the time they become parents. And it wouldn’t just me mum/dad nagging them at home.
The teens in my house operate domestically imo at the level of a 10yr old from my generation.

Plus if you have a good rota you can know crucially when you have ‘time off’ to do fun things. In theory it could make the chore doing more efficient so you get time off or more of it.

I blame the lack of domestic science at school if young people, boys and girls,were taught these skills they would at least know they needed doing by the time they become parents

I never had any domestic science teaching at school, nor did DH. Nor did our adult DC apart from some basic CDT in junior level. All of us somehow managed to learn the basics of looking after ourselves, our homes, pay bills, remember family birthdays etc.

Its not the fault of schools if some men are feckless, self centred arses who think their wives are surrogate mothers /PAs to pander to their refusal to pull their weight at home.

He’s even left the mental load of doing the rota to you 🙄

That made me chuckle sorry! That’s probably about what mine would come up with. Don’t get mad, just do your allocated bits and calmly add on all the other things you would ordinarily do as you think of them. Don’t forget admin stuff, eg tax car, buy sisters birthday present, secret Santa, ring the window cleaner, book holiday, Sometimes I’ve listed the things I’ve done in the day and it’s staggering, i just do things automatically and don’t realise how much I do. I’ve also tried the not doing anything but that usually ends in a row over the mess 😂

I actually think this is quite cute... but if your kids are still small, then there’s no reason why you should be doing more around the house (other than maybe meals). I get far less done when I’m looking after the little ones - WFH makes household chores a cinch!

I’d swap your list on a Friday for his bins.

He can’t have COVID- it’s not on the rota 🤣

(Sympathies to you both we are in day 5 of it here)

@TooMinty

Fill in all the hundreds of things he's missed out and allocate them 50/50? Or literally only do the things on the rota for a while until he wonders why the other stuff hasn't magically happened?

This. Wrote it all out, allocate it, you could add rough times for activities, like unpack dishwasher 5-10 minutes, as not all the the same amount of time. If he can't listen and take it on board, that would be another bigger issue.

I'd let the list slide if he is usually hands on.

It seems like he is stressed, you're so busy too, give him the ironing and bathroom cleaning while he's is isolating in his mask with bottle of bleach.

Set up a chart for the mental loads though if he is looking after household bills he is involved in the mental load.

I'm a list maker.

I would redo the rota, adding everything he left out, and listing the approximate time it takes to do each task, and using a star or color system to assign effort required. One star, easy, etc. or red yellow green with green being easy. Or whatever makes sense to you, so long as it accounts for easy, moderate, difficult. It will take time, but he may understand better.

Ha ha ha ha ha! Is my response to that list!

I'm just putting together my lists JUST for next Christmas (I'm doing it while I remember!!!). So far I have 18 tasks on my to-do list (and that's far from complete) (tasks start in October), a very long note covering all things Christmas food including things to make and when, food to buy in sections and split into different shops, and buy ahead/buy in week before, non food items we may need but are easily forgotten (eg paracetamol, order medication etc), a rough food plan, and I've tacked on Christmas dinner timings so I don't need to work it out (again!) this year! I have also downloaded a new Xmas present app that I'll be using this year which I am starting to pre populate.

It's not done yet lol!

And that's just Christmas. I do think some men just think it all happens via bloody magic fairies.

NB in my to do app I have 358 items currently - that covers everything incl the Christmas ones I mention above plus regular tasks from house renovations to cleaning to grocery shopping.