Aibu to be upset by my DH’s rota

[Homerenonovice]

DH asked me to deal with something one week before Christmas and I said I couldn’t, I was at my max capacity mentally getting everything sorted for Christmas and our dd’s birthday which is a week later. Dh does help but the lion share of things falls to me as I work 3 days a week.

The task DH asked me to do had no fixed deadline so I said let’s pick it up in the new year.

Dh got annoyed with this, told me that I’d have more to think about when we start renovating our house so I tried to explain about mental load and how it all falls to me, he didn’t get it.

He took two tasks off my to-do list and thought that solved everything.

He’s spent the last few weeks since thinking he is doing 50% of everything but he doesn’t understand he really isn’t.

So after another row about this he has decided we need a fixed rota on who does what, splitting everything 50/50. I’ve attached a screenshot of his first draft.

Top 5 lines are his tasks, bottom 5 are mine. Our two children go nursery on my days at work and have all meals there. The blacked out bit is an identifiable activity that I occasionally attend.

I do genuinely think he is trying to help but really, is that all he thinks is needed to run a house and parent two small children?

How would you react to this rota?

No, don't add anything yourself, just tell him you're only doing the tasks on there and nothing more and if he's not happy with that, then he needs to fix it.
Otherwise it's more wifework for you.

That's the most unintentionally hilarious thing I've seen in a long time.

Do it. Ask him once if he thinks he's forgotten anything, and if he says no, do it, as it is, and allow everything to implode.

So glad it’s not just me that thinks this is just insulting!

I was asking some questions about exactly what I’m meant to do during my allocated dishwasher time tonight. He didn’t like it and then I heard him muttering to himself calling me sarcastic. Yes mate, stupid rotas get stupid questions!

Unfortunately, if I play dumb and just do what’s on the rota I can see this turning into a huge row that I really can’t be bothered with. I think I’ll take the approach of noting down everything I do each day to get him to add them on.

I will say I’m his defence, I just read that other thread and I probably don’t give him enough credit for the stuff he does but he still miles away from 50%!!

I would take each of the thing on his lists and break them down for him, so dishwasher, buying the salt, the dishwasher tablets, the cleaning it out etc and keep doing it with each job, take it down to the basics

I think I’ll take the approach of noting down everything I do each day to get him to add them on.

That'll learn him.

Does he realise that your dc need to get dressed before nursery or is he planning to take them in the jammies they are living in?

I would write my own spread sheet and make sure he gets the most energy sapping. As long as it looks 50/50...

Your husband is a fucking moron my dear

God, the temptation to literally do what's on that list!

I did the list of everything I did once, kept it pinned to the cupboard and wrote down everything I'd done. That was a fun week for DH

We had a similar row the other day. I made some passing comment about the amount of washing - the kids are getting older, the washing is getting larger and all that. DH said that much of it wasn't his washing as he gets his uniform done at work.

I asked him to explain why that then meant that the KIDS washing then became my Jon to do...

I'm sure my DH believes because he's cooks several times a week (but not if he's working late) that constitutes a 50/50 share of household chores. He hasn't the faintest idea about invisible mental load. I asked him once what he would do about knowing about the kids school dates, dress up days, or dentist appointments etc and his answer was "I'd look on the calendar" as if I buy a calendar with all the things handily marked in already!🤣

Why be so passive agressive about it. Why not just break it down to him?

Because, as per the OP, her husband thinks she is only doing the things he's listed on the rota, despite her already telling him that she is doing a lot more. The rota is a clear attempt to demonstrate that she should be able to fit in the things he wants her to do and she's a compete lack of understanding about the realities of running a household.

@Yuckypretty Because he's an adult and if he can't figure it out himself then why should OP do it for him? Women aren't born knowing how to run a household and people with any genital shape can do it if they try.

"Nursery"

Oh. Ok. So who tidies the bedroom before nursery. Gets the kids up, dressed, brushes their teeth. Gets their nursery bag ready. There are 100000001 other things that go into even the most menial task with 2 young children. If my husband drew up a rota like that I'd knock him out.

Write your own rota?

So there’s no cleaning except for the bathroom which gets done once a week.

And no tidying except the kitchen which gets tidied once a week .

And you only eat 4 meals a week.

No one can be that stupid, really they can’t 😕

Thank you @DysmalRadius

Ooo you’ve got a nice easy day tomorrow OP shame no one will be eating any food.

@DrSbaitso

I think I’ll take the approach of noting down everything I do each day to get him to add them on.

That'll learn him.

Quite. You need to ask him if he is sure the rota is correct then stick to it.

OP
Are you going to ask him what the plan is for the days with no meal marked? Is he going to say "takeaway"? Def don't cook those days.

@EmmaH2022

OP Are you going to ask him what the plan is for the days with no meal marked? Is he going to say "takeaway"? Def don't cook those days.

Never mind that, when the hell are they going to buy the food for the days he does plan to eat?

Maybe that's why the kids only need baths twice a week...

I did this before with an ex.
He was in charge of cooking so did the supermarket shop, put it away, cooked.
In return I did all laundry for us both and our 5DC.
Then he tidied living room, put toys away etc and I tidied kitchen and wiped down dining room table.
Over time you can sort it.

@Exhausteddog

I'm sure my DH believes because he's cooks several times a week (but not if he's working late) that constitutes a 50/50 share of household chores. He hasn't the faintest idea about invisible mental load. I asked him once what he would do about knowing about the kids school dates, dress up days, or dentist appointments etc and his answer was "I'd look on the calendar" as if I buy a calendar with all the things handily marked in already!🤣

You need to add some entries along the lines of "SO WHAT'S HAPPENING NOW, GENIUS??"

Is this some training exercise between two grownups, a married couple?! We are talking about adults here, right?
Rotas, lists, really?
What a waste of energy and time.
Don't people just get on with stuff anymore and, when needed, ask the other to do x and leave them to it without the need to check or follow up. The other forgets, does it wrong etc, they do it better next time.
Absolutely nothing ever is super urgent or important unless is a limit life and death situation- in that case nobody needs a list.

lol

what are you going to cook? there is no supermarket slot or planning food for the week slot to make a shopping list

I take it no breakfast or lunch?

Solve the problem by writing down every single you for the next month, from sending birthday cards to changing the loo roll then present him with the list.

What happens to the children on the 4 days you don’t work ? Because there’s no one scheduled to look after them on Tuesday Friday Saturday and Sunday.

And what about the morning before nursery and the evenings after nursery ? I see they put themselves to bed every night and get themselves up and dressed every morning . Oh and they make their own breakfast too. Most impressive.