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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be upset by my DH’s rota

181 replies

Homerenonovice · 09/01/2022 19:31

DH asked me to deal with something one week before Christmas and I said I couldn’t, I was at my max capacity mentally getting everything sorted for Christmas and our dd’s birthday which is a week later. Dh does help but the lion share of things falls to me as I work 3 days a week.

The task DH asked me to do had no fixed deadline so I said let’s pick it up in the new year.

Dh got annoyed with this, told me that I’d have more to think about when we start renovating our house so I tried to explain about mental load and how it all falls to me, he didn’t get it.

He took two tasks off my to-do list and thought that solved everything.

He’s spent the last few weeks since thinking he is doing 50% of everything but he doesn’t understand he really isn’t.

So after another row about this he has decided we need a fixed rota on who does what, splitting everything 50/50. I’ve attached a screenshot of his first draft.

Top 5 lines are his tasks, bottom 5 are mine. Our two children go nursery on my days at work and have all meals there. The blacked out bit is an identifiable activity that I occasionally attend.

I do genuinely think he is trying to help but really, is that all he thinks is needed to run a house and parent two small children?

How would you react to this rota?

Aibu to be upset by my DH’s rota
OP posts:
KiloWhat · 09/01/2022 20:09

But get yourself some microwave meals in for when no one is on dinner duty.

Seriously what a knob.

RobotValkyrie · 09/01/2022 20:09

@DreamerSeven

I’d do it for a week but at the same time write a list of every other single task you do/have as part of the mental load then ask him to add them to the next week’s rota. Then I’d repeat that every week until the list was an enormous spreadsheet Smile
Excellent answer. That's the best way to approach this kind of problem (same thing at work when a boss doesn't understand what all the hours in the day are spent on: you need to faithfully record what happens before you can start planning ahead anything)
1winterblues · 09/01/2022 20:09

Wow you DH is brave or stupid! Grin

I would stick to the rota for a week and like others have said just act surprised when you can't cook dinner as there is no shopping and all the other things haven't been done

Original poster
Homerenonovice · 09/01/2022 20:09

@SwanShaped no I didn’t, any chance you could send me the link please?

OP posts:
SwanShaped · 09/01/2022 20:14

It’s a looong list of things! Much longer than your rota.

HippeePrincess · 09/01/2022 20:15

Oh I’d do the allocated jobs and nothing else and see how it goes. Wouldn’t even pick up the post, pick up anything after the kids or anything.

MsFrog · 09/01/2022 20:15

Following with great interest

Showpan · 09/01/2022 20:16

There's a book and cards to go with called 'Fair Play'. Buy it and both read it. If he's genuinely trying to help, that would be a great start. It's excellent. They've done the hard job of listing all those invisible jobs.

girlmom21 · 09/01/2022 20:18

Are these the things he's going to do? I give him until the second Saturday before he finds an excuse not to clean the bathroom

aloris · 09/01/2022 20:19

This reminds me of when my husband told me that I was overestimating how much time it took to pack for trips. I said, "It takes ages." He said, "It only takes five minutes." In order to prove to me that it only takes five minutes, he said next time we had a trip, he would pack.

So it got to the day before our trip. He said, "Ok, just get all the clothes together, beach toys, sunscreen, and all that, get the suitcases out, and put all the things I need to pack next to the suitcases, and then I'll pack it for you."

I said, "Uh, no, packing IS getting all those things together, getting the suitcases out, etc. Oh yes, and before you pack, there's a load of laundry that needs doing, I think DS3 wore his swimsuit to swim practice yesterday and forgot to hang it up last night. I'll be having a nice cuppa over here. Have fun."

Blossom64265 · 09/01/2022 20:21

I would say that you are going to start adding items to the list as you think of them so that they can be distributed, be clear it is a first draft. Then add every little thing you are doing and keep adding them because you are going to only manage to get down about 1/10th or it on the first try.

I actually did this once with DH. We now have a system where I am allowed to assign him chores and he does them. Would I prefer that I not be the household manager? Yes. After 10 years of parenting together though, I find myself much happier and more relaxed since switching to this system.

MaybeHeIsMyCat · 09/01/2022 20:21

He's being ridiculous. I don't have DC and today this is what I did to get stuff ready for the week - it's stuff you just do without realising it that's the hard stuff! And I'm not saying this is hard stuff bit this was a fairly quiet Sunday

Bedding change
Laundry in and then hung out
Restocked bathrooms with toilet roll, toilet cleaner and cleaned them
Sorted the recycling
Made apple crumble to use up some apples
Grated cheese, boiled eggs
Took a food shop in and put it away, cleaned the fridge and checked all use by dates
Wiped the sink
Wiped the worktops
Work related laptop stuff
Charged toothbrush, speaker and other bits
Emailed 2 people about garden
Emailed to cancel an insurance policy
Went online to fill in a form that needed doing
Hoovered
Restocked cat litter
Ordered cat food
Emailed to book oven clean

I am sure there is much, much more

AnAverageMum · 09/01/2022 20:22

😂 looks like a teenagers choir sheet. Gold star! SO much more to it…

Mumontour85 · 09/01/2022 20:23

Haha is this man for real?! It's so hilarious that its not even funny....
Write your own rota with the truth of the situation on it, and be sure to put EVERYTHING!!!!
Love the advice to just do what's on the rota, everything that is kept undone can be his responsibility because he missed it off the rota he insisted on writing!

Beehappy21 · 09/01/2022 20:24

@NoCapesDarling

This calls for some malicious compliance. Do nothing else. Let us know how it goes!
This! 👏👏
SockFluffInTheBath · 09/01/2022 20:25

@NoCapesDarling

This calls for some malicious compliance. Do nothing else. Let us know how it goes!
Grin
inheritancetrack · 09/01/2022 20:28

Try 4 weeks doing literally nothing more than what's on that list and see what his reaction is

Yuckypretty · 09/01/2022 20:32

@TooMinty

Fill in all the hundreds of things he's missed out and allocate them 50/50? Or literally only do the things on the rota for a while until he wonders why the other stuff hasn't magically happened?
Why be so passive agressive about it. Why not just break it down to him?
MrBoldwood · 09/01/2022 20:35

Oh Christ no, not a rota

powershowerforanhour · 09/01/2022 20:36

"How would you react to this rota?"

With derision, probably. "Dishwasher" and "bins" is scraping the barrel. I get my 2 year old to unload the dishwasher.

Love the "malicious compliance" idea.

Chloemol · 09/01/2022 20:36

I would do exactly what is on the list I take it neither of you eat Tuesday and Wednesday? And no one appears to do the shopping?

I would however have a prepared list of all tasks , including missing ones, with detailed instructions on what they entail that could then be discussed

Iggly · 09/01/2022 20:37

Just tell him everything that is missing and add it. Easy.

CharityDingle · 09/01/2022 20:39

@aloris

This reminds me of when my husband told me that I was overestimating how much time it took to pack for trips. I said, "It takes ages." He said, "It only takes five minutes." In order to prove to me that it only takes five minutes, he said next time we had a trip, he would pack.

So it got to the day before our trip. He said, "Ok, just get all the clothes together, beach toys, sunscreen, and all that, get the suitcases out, and put all the things I need to pack next to the suitcases, and then I'll pack it for you."

I said, "Uh, no, packing IS getting all those things together, getting the suitcases out, etc. Oh yes, and before you pack, there's a load of laundry that needs doing, I think DS3 wore his swimsuit to swim practice yesterday and forgot to hang it up last night. I'll be having a nice cuppa over here. Have fun."

'...I'll pack it for you' Hmm

Yes, OP, I would go for malicious compliance too.

CoffeeRunner · 09/01/2022 20:40

I couldn't live with a rota. Two responsible adults should be able to see what needs doing & do it.