Aibu to be upset by my DH’s rota

[Homerenonovice]

DH asked me to deal with something one week before Christmas and I said I couldn’t, I was at my max capacity mentally getting everything sorted for Christmas and our dd’s birthday which is a week later. Dh does help but the lion share of things falls to me as I work 3 days a week.

The task DH asked me to do had no fixed deadline so I said let’s pick it up in the new year.

Dh got annoyed with this, told me that I’d have more to think about when we start renovating our house so I tried to explain about mental load and how it all falls to me, he didn’t get it.

He took two tasks off my to-do list and thought that solved everything.

He’s spent the last few weeks since thinking he is doing 50% of everything but he doesn’t understand he really isn’t.

So after another row about this he has decided we need a fixed rota on who does what, splitting everything 50/50. I’ve attached a screenshot of his first draft.

Top 5 lines are his tasks, bottom 5 are mine. Our two children go nursery on my days at work and have all meals there. The blacked out bit is an identifiable activity that I occasionally attend.

I do genuinely think he is trying to help but really, is that all he thinks is needed to run a house and parent two small children?

How would you react to this rota?

[DrSbaitso]

Honestly, OP, I don't think filling in the list will help. He'll come up with some reason why they don't matter, don't take up much time, that if they were worth thinking of he'd have thought of them.

The only way people like him appreciate "invisible" work is when it simply doesn't get done.

[Vapeyvapevape]

You'll be able to cross 'cook dinner' off the list as there will be no food to cook !

[Kite22]

How would you react to this rota?

Completely differently from everyone else on this thread, so it seems.

I would

1. Appreciate that he accepted what I was saying about carrying more of the load (in the before Christmas row)
2. Then accepted that what he'd thought he'd changed to contribute more fairly, still wasn't enough
3. that he then was still trying to improve things by mapping it out (I'm quite a fan of a list and a calendar, and a plan set out visually myself).

So no, I wouldn't mock him
I wouldn't laugh at him
I wouldn't passively aggressively do anything

As an adult, what I would do is see that he has acknowledged he isn't doing enough, and sit down with him (or separately) and write out a list of all the things that need to be done to keep the household / family running smoothly, and then look together and who was going to take on responsibility for what.

[TangledNemo]

I would laugh in his face. Then ask if that was everything. If he said no, I would help add a few things to the chart. If he said yes, that was everything, I would just do what’s on the list.

[Cantleave]

Will be interesting on Saturday, when he goes to make dinner, and finds the fridge bare. Oh, but it will be your fault for that too!

[frazzledfragglefromfragglerock]

I'm mostly distressed about how awful this spreadsheet is. Has he never made one before??

I have tried making my own before the show my dh just how much needs doing but it just made me so depressed so I just tell him to do things and he does them. The mental load is still mine but I'm less pissed off with him on the whole as he does actually do everything I say!

[TatianaBis]

How would you react to this rota?

I would react by saying exactly what you said here:

is that all he thinks is needed to run a house and parent two small children?

I would say: “here is the proof that you have absolutely no idea what is involved in running a house + family, it is now in black and white”.

If you can be arsed - add in different coloured font, all the actual things that have to be done each day.

[TooMuchSugar22]

Do your own spread sheet. Copy his but add other things you do in and divide 50,50.
And say how much he's forgotten.
There's 2 days where no one does dishwasher he's not thought this through has he.

[KateyKontent]

You need to flip one of the washing clothes and ironing to him, why are you doing all laundry? This definitely reads like your H thinks of housework as 100% your responsibility.

This looks like a chore list for DC.

Draw up your own rota or do one together when you H has a better idea of all that is required. Sharing cooking of evening meals and setting out nursery runs and morning and bedtime routines is smart.

As with the packing example, the tasks need to be completed in full - that is from conception to completion and everything in between. That means, planning healthy meals, making sure grocery shopping is done then cooking meals. In our house it wouldn't work of one person was making beans on toast a d the other making a roast dinner or batch cooking for other meals.

In our house, if one person cooks, the other clears up. DC empty the dishwasher, the person clearing up fills it, cleans the floor and surfaces.

My oh hates cooking, so will ask to swap when it's his turn. He vacuums, mops and does a much more thorough job cleaning so I am happy to .I have quick standby meals - tonight was salad, chicken breast and baked potato. I hate changing the bed, they hate making sandwiches so there are some tasks we don't split (I get the way better deal imho). I do slightly more planning for meals, otherwise we each do 50% of the housework. They did a fair share of getting up early mornings and night feeds.

[2ndtimemum2]

Op if he thinks he's doing 50% of the work load how much is he actually doing?

[C8H10N4O2]

@Kite22

How would you react to this rota?

Completely differently from everyone else on this thread, so it seems.

I would

1. Appreciate that he accepted what I was saying about carrying more of the load (in the before Christmas row)
2. Then accepted that what he'd thought he'd changed to contribute more fairly, still wasn't enough
3. that he then was still trying to improve things by mapping it out (I'm quite a fan of a list and a calendar, and a plan set out visually myself).

So no, I wouldn't mock him
I wouldn't laugh at him
I wouldn't passively aggressively do anything

As an adult, what I would do is see that he has acknowledged he isn't doing enough, and sit down with him (or separately) and write out a list of all the things that need to be done to keep the household / family running smoothly, and then look together and who was going to take on responsibility for what.

He hasn't accepted what she said. He made that quite clear and the rota is to show how much he is doing. He has already dismissed her and told her to get her act together.

This is a grown adult and parent who holds down a job. He should be able to work through all the key tasks needed instead of that pathetic selection before he dictates to the person actually doing the work how it should be done.

Why on earth should his wife be grateful for this passive aggressive faux "help"? Why can't women expect full grown adults who hold down a job to learn about household management in just the same way we have to? The bar is still set so very low for men.

[Franklyfrost]

Implied is that he thinks you’re a lazy idiot. If I was a better person I’d take the opportunity to add some more tasks and divide them up seeing as he’s willing. In reality I hate all the housework and total lack of recognition so if my partner haded me that patronising and terribly designed rota I’d run dishwasher, not on my assigned day, with him in it.

[LittleOwl153]

I'm still amused at the fact that half a weeks washing and ironing for 4 people is equivalent to emptying the dishwasher or emptying the bin....

I'd add timing to your jobs record as well, as I did this to my lot once and got told I was adding jobs to big the list up... when I suggested that washing/ironing were around 30 jobs by the time the washing had been sorted into loads, washed (at least 7 loads a week), dried - again still 7 loads, ironed for 4 people, hung up/put away again for 4 people. Then there was towels, bedding, sports kit... cleaning the dryer of fluff, buying laundry liquid etc

[Claretmum]

What kind of utterly bizarre marriage are you in?

[k1233]

I found the best way to share jobs was to do them on alternating weeks. That way no one can complain they do more or their jobs are harder.

We had 2 lists. Can't remember exactly, but below is a start. Think of things that naturally go together. Eg dusting goes with vacuuming as you should dust before you vacuum.

List 1
Kitchen - clean, dishes
Cook - all meals
Shopping - as had to buy what was needed for the meals for the week
Dust
Vacuum

List 2
Pets - could replace with all kid tasks ie school run, bath, tidying, school activities, weekend activities
Laundry incl remake beds
Ironing
Clean bathroom

Then on the weekends we'd both clean the rest of the house at the same time.

I hate cleaning, so there's no way I'm doing it all.

Mental load jobs are harder to schedule in. If he takes on more actual housework, that frees up time for you.

I can't say how nice it was to have a whole week where you didn't have to think about what to eat.

[NewBrownMouse]

As others have mentioned I'd either rewrite the list to include everything or only do what was on the list.

[TracyMosby]

I would like to add whoever cooks that also means cleaning the kitchen after and loading the dishwasher. I tidy up as i go along so would be annoyed cleaning up after dh cooking when he likes to use every pan and utensil available. He also has a habit if getting spills on cupboard, and normal doors!

[HunterGatherer]

This is not love.
How can you stand living like this?
I would seriously not be able to live with him.

[k1233]

@TracyMosby it's imperative that the cook does the dishes and cleans the kitchen. We learned the hard way. Initially had one cook, one does dishes. Yep, arguments over the mess!

I would add kid week means all kid tasks including dr/dentist, stay at home if kids are sick.

[Skiptheheartsandflowers]

Other people have picked up many of the issues but on a more specific thing, who cooks dinner on Monday, Wednesday and Thursday as it's not mentioned on those days? Also why are you cooking for 3 of the other days and he's only doing 1?

[Bywayofanupdate]

Keep note of Everything you do for a week, including the mental load stuff and hand it to him. It's the mental load stuff that's missing, my husband doesn't get that either!

[JugglingJanuary]

@@Homerenonovice

I'd expect my 5yo to write a more comprehensive list of what gets done around the house.

'Oh great DH, you've found someone to Hoover, shop, pay the bills, xyz' that fantastic. -fucking idiot

[Rainartist]

Present him with the second draft of the rota with all tasks added and evenly split...

[Sydendad]

How weird. I don't quite understand how the things on the list amount to "tasks" that need to be appointed. Dishwasher, putting out bins ? I thought those were just the things of life you just do when they need doing. Your husband sounds like a real bloky moron who thinks it's enough to just do his job as he is being the main breadwinner and that the household is just a menial task best left to those who work less. I think you have every right to be insulted. I think the best way forward is to just go on a nice 7 day holiday with some friends, with the message that you would like to come home to the house and the kids in the state you left it.

[Hemingwayscatz]

There’s barely any chores on there really and he definitely isn’t doing 50%. From what I can see he only really empties the bins and the dishwasher a couple of times a week which are both 2 minute jobs.