Don't want to be in contact with friend who is having ex marital affair but being made to feel guilty

[MrsPatrickDempsey]

V close friend has admitted to an affair of 6 months (married for a considerable period of time with children).

Friend is currently splitting time between living with their own family and other man. Friend is in turmoil; is distraught with guilt regarding the impact of her actions. Wants to be with other man but is committed to children (older teens).
Friend told me all of the details as affair became uncovered. I just listened with no judgement but have not been in contact since as I am angry about her actions because of the hurt she has brought on her family.
A mutual friend who also knows about the circumstances suggested to me that I should contact affair friend and support her, implying loosely that I am mean for not doing so and adding to affair friend’s distress as she is upset that I haven’t been in touch since her disclosure. I feel guilty but Aibu in not wanting to be in touch? A) it’s not really any of my business B) I can’t be supportive/empathic/sympathetic of her actions
C) don’t know what to say and don’t want to listen to the details again or about problems she has created.
If she contacted me I wouldn’t ignore her and would respond accordingly but I want to keep out of it. It is the only thing consuming her at the moment and there would be nothing else to talk about.
Would appreciate some clarity.

I Was in your exact same position except friend was single with kids and she chose to get together with a married man.

I tried at first to suggest we don’t discuss the relationship as she was always so mean about the wife.
But that didn’t work so I cut all contact with her.

I occasionally miss her but she I don’t regret my decision.

The affair was non of my business but I didn’t want to be dragged into bitching and listening about the saga and the constant drama.

I’d stay well out of it and avoid friend. If she’s upset it’s her fault, why does she need to drag various friends into her private life.

Well, you're not really a good friend if you're not willing to support your friend through this, sorry.

People make mistakes in life. Get off your judgemental high horse. Your friend knows how much she's messed up. She doesn't need your judgement.

She's better off without you to be fair. Just keep doing what you're doing, but you'll lose a friend. It doesn't sound like you care if that happens because of how disgusting you think she is anyway. So it's a win win for you both.

She confided in you hoping for support to ease her guilt. I would not feel an ounce of guilt for distancing yourself from this mess she is deliberately creating for herself. It’s going to be messy.

You can remain her friend without approving of what she's doing. You can tell her that you don't want to hear anything about it but you'll be a support for her if she ends it, or ends her marriage.

And yes I judge people having affairs. I judge them wanting to make it a sordid little secret gang so they can discuss it and bitch about the unsuspecting spouses.

I judge hard. And why the hell shouldn’t I if I’ve been dragged into it unwillingly by being confided in.

Keep it to yourself don’t drag others into it if you don’t want to be judged. The fall out from affairs is horrific especially when children are involved and all the people who knew about the affair and kept quiet are all tarnished by it.

Actually I’m very glad I stepped away from that ex friend.

@blablablablablablablabla
Yep you are right - I am judging but I am genuinely worried about her state of health and mind. I just don't know what support to give because she is in an untenable situation at the moment. I don't just want to be embroiled in the detail of it all.
What do I say?

You say you listened ‘with no judgment’ but you then, immediately cut contact with your friend.

If you don’t want to be friends anymore because you strongly disagree with her behaviour, it would be better to have said so explicitly.

It sounds like she needs a friend now, more than ever.
People have affairs for different reasons. Life isn't perfect and we don't always make good choices. Or the right choices.

I completely agree that I wouldn't want to hear bitching etc about the wife, or go in to all the details. But I would still be there for my friend.

@MrsPatrickDempsey you don't want to be her friend anymore. So just tell her that I think. Just tell her, I can't be friends with someone who did what you did.

It's ok to not to want to take on other people's drama especially when it's self inflicted. No shame in protecting yourself.

If you do want to remain friends, an option is to tell her you disagree with her behaviour and don’t want to discuss her situation further.

You can’t, however, ‘support’ someone with respect to a situation without discussing it.

Bit difficult to offer emotional 'support' to a friend who is still engaging in the behaviour that you find morally repugnant and is causing distress to those closest to her. If she was drink driving every day, you'd hardly be expected to be at the end of a phone to wipe her fevered brow and offer soothing platitudes.

Having said that, do you want the friendship to be done?

@blablablablablablablabla

Well, you're not really a good friend if you're not willing to support your friend through this, sorry.

People make mistakes in life. Get off your judgemental high horse. Your friend knows how much she's messed up. She doesn't need your judgement.

She's better off without you to be fair. Just keep doing what you're doing, but you'll lose a friend. It doesn't sound like you care if that happens because of how disgusting you think she is anyway. So it's a win win for you both.

It's not a mistake - she's chosen to do something that will hurt the people she's supposed to love most in the world. You don't have to stay friends with anyone if they behave in a way that you find reprehensible.

Ah these threads come up a reasonable number of times on here! Not an uncommon problem.

I always think that it depends on the friend, their oh and the friendship. I have a good friend who I can imagine supporting if she did this. I do like her dh, but I know they don't have a great marriage and I could understand the pressure to stay with him and knowing my friend I can imagine her doing something a bit nuts like having an affair. I wouldn't be happy with her, but we'd remain friends (I think)

However, I also know a couple where they got together shortly after the man and his now exw separated. There wasn't even an affair as they were separated (because he got caught out using sex workers). This couple have done things to deliberately make the exw's life harder, like messing up the marital home so it would be worth less so he could buy her out easily. He then managed to get a lot of money in support from her (higher earner) in the divorce and he and the new gf celebrated. The gf is in my own family and I think she is utter scum. I barely speak to her and really dislike her although I do still love her as she's family.

So affair alone isn't necessarily the worst thing. Actually my family member hilariously is very very anti affair. If it's a sex worker it's fine apparently as no emotion involved. God she's a dick.

Excuse derail, sorry.

Short version: it depends!

Glad you are no friend of mine tbh.

Life can get messy and complicated and judgemental people make it worse. Blanket judgements are rarely wise.

And no, i am not having an affair and yes, i have known people.who have had them. Often the people who were the most judgemental before hand, who then had mini breakdowns. Kindness and handholding go a long way in real friendships.

And also the knowledge that no-one really knows what goes on behind closed doors.

I've been in a similar position. An old friend dropped her husband (who had just had a vasectomy because she insisted on it) because she fancied her married boss. Then embarked on an affair with said married boss.

It was literally all she ever talked about. I was going through an absolute shit time and she never stopped to ask me how I was doing, just launched into slagging off his wife and telling me intimate details about the boss.

I just couldn't support her behaviour and cut her off. Never regretted it.

@blablablablablablablabla a mistake is when you accidentally buy the wrong brand washing powder. You don't accidentally shag another man and carry on an affair. She's made a conscious decision so let's not pretend it's all a romantic mistake.

People can't help how they feel about someone else, but they absolutely can help their own actions in response to that.

I think YABU, life isn't black and white and you can support your friend and be empathetic to her feelings without condoning her actions. She's obviously struggling and she needs a friend. We none of us are infallible, she's human and made a mistake

YANBU OP, I can completely understand where you’re coming from.

Your friend hasn’t just made a small mistake, she has knowingly created a situation that is going to cause a huge amount of hurt and upset and done something that most of us are morally opposed to. The friend can’t do that and then be surprised that people are feeling differently about her.

Presumably you know her husband and children well too, so it’s not like the victims here are people you don’t know.

OP, in your position I’d carry on with what you’re doing, just don’t engage with your friend right now. You need to get your own head around the change in her before you can even think about wether you still want to be friends with her in future.

Imagine a man losing all his friends because he had an affair.. wouldn't happen.

She’s brought it all on herself so all her ‘turmoil’ is self inflicted. She’s not a victim and needs a dose of reality

It's fine to decide you need to step back from a friendship when you discover that your former friend has markedly different views to those your thought they held. When you the person they have chosen to become is so changed from the person you had always believed them to be.

As you cannot be her friend in this (for no-one should be required to support anyone who is doing something they find unacceptable, except perhaps an adult DC) then act as her acquaintance. So you can be on friendly terms, and still have enjoyable times.

But don't cross the boundary into friendship - if she tries to confide in you, you need to cut that off immediately, and if she persists, then perhaps she cannot even be like an acquaintance for a while.

I would tell her the truth, I care for her but I strongly disapprove of cheating. She can come to me if/ when she is ready to come clean.

I can provide support when/ if fallout happens. Until then I would back away. Call me judgy, but I wouldn't be supporting my friend self destruction. Guilt is hurting her, she would need to take action to help herself.

The most I would be able to help with is suggest therapy. Maybe even research some therapist and make suggestions on who she could see.

If ending the specific friendship over this specific issue OP wouldn’t be making a ‘blanket judgment’ and it wouldn’t be an indicator that she’s, more generally, a ‘judgmental person’.

@blablablablablablablabla where does the OP say that this woman has lost all her friends? She does mention a mutual friend but ... did I miss the other bit or did you just make that bit up?