Don't want to be in contact with friend who is having ex marital affair but being made to feel guilty

[MrsPatrickDempsey]

V close friend has admitted to an affair of 6 months (married for a considerable period of time with children).

Friend is currently splitting time between living with their own family and other man. Friend is in turmoil; is distraught with guilt regarding the impact of her actions. Wants to be with other man but is committed to children (older teens).
Friend told me all of the details as affair became uncovered. I just listened with no judgement but have not been in contact since as I am angry about her actions because of the hurt she has brought on her family.
A mutual friend who also knows about the circumstances suggested to me that I should contact affair friend and support her, implying loosely that I am mean for not doing so and adding to affair friend’s distress as she is upset that I haven’t been in touch since her disclosure. I feel guilty but Aibu in not wanting to be in touch? A) it’s not really any of my business B) I can’t be supportive/empathic/sympathetic of her actions
C) don’t know what to say and don’t want to listen to the details again or about problems she has created.
If she contacted me I wouldn’t ignore her and would respond accordingly but I want to keep out of it. It is the only thing consuming her at the moment and there would be nothing else to talk about.
Would appreciate some clarity.

There’s plenty people on here can say about loyalty to friendships and ‘shit happens’. Yes shit does happen, but this isn’t part of it. This is a woman (with her own children) deciding to play games because she wants her own excitement/ to feel loved again/ potentially is miserable in her own marriage (the list is long).

For 6 months she has made an active choice to lie to her children, her partner, her friends. She has chosen to prioritise this man over her family. She has chosen to get naked and get her end away. And for 6 months continued to justify it. She has repeatedly done what she wanted despite the fact that her actions (if found out) could rip her family apart and break the hearts of her children.
Now? She is seeking to share her burden with those around her and make them implicit in her actions by seeking support in some fucked up validation of her actions.

She’s having an affair that could destroy her family. These are her choices. And she needs support? Fuck me I’ve heard it all.

I wonder what the responses would be from those sympathising with this woman would be, if a man posted that he was cheating on his wife and family with a married woman. You can bet your life he'd be called all the names under the sun.

If it’s not clear, I think she’s incredibly self centered and selfish. The fact that she has done this to her own family tells us all that. Her entitlement is now spreading to her friends who she feels should support her. Sounds like a narcissist to me. Stay out of it, a decent human being would not be doing this in the first place and then expecting to be able to pull her friends into it with her.

she knowingly had an affair knowing the hurt and pain it would cause if it became known ,
lets face it when it comes to judgeing , we judge other people all the time , i dont think its cruel or wrong to feel the way you do and not want to become embroiled in it all , at the end of the day this is a mess of her own making and i dont think its unreasonable not to want to prop her up and support her through it if you feel what shes done and is doing is morally wrong .
im not really sure why there are replies along the lines of your a bad friend for not wanting to be involved in it as if shed got pissed and driven her car and hit a child and was due up in court for it i wonder how many of the same people would still be saying you should suspend your moral judgement and support her , very few i imagine ,

i think its important to stay true to your beliefs and not be swayed by others views , if you cant stay true to what you believe then its all a bit lost in my opinion

if shed got pissed and driven her car and hit a child and was due up in court for it i wonder how many of the same people would still be saying you should suspend your moral judgement and support her

This is not the first time I've seen people on here equate affairs with killing children.

For me it would depend very much on the individual circumstances of the friendship and the affair. A close friend who has otherwise shown themselves to be a good person I would be more forgiving of than a recent friendship with someone I was a bit less sure of. Also, is the man she's having an affair with also married? Thus there are two partners being cheated on. Or is her husband in some way abusive, and this is her way out?

We are complex, fallible and stuff up at times. I've never had an affair but I've done some things which seemed like a good idea at the time and afterwards wondered wtf I was on. So if it were a good friend, I might just listen and see if I could get to the bottom of it, point them towards Relate, try to find out how they'd got themselves into that situation. But if they persisted in being self-deluded, blinkered and hurtful, then I'd be cutting contact.

YANBU. It is very hard for her to take, but she has to accept that part of the fallout of her spectacularly selfish behaviour is that some people will see her in a new light and choose not to be involved with her.

I don't feel compassion for someone who trashes their teenage children to scratch an itch and stir up a bit of drama in their dull life. If her marriage was in trouble she should have either tried to save it or left, taking her children with her and divorced before embarking on an affair. She can;t play 'poor me, I'm in such agony' when she has created such pain for her children and spouse.without prioritising their wellbeing.

You sound like a fair weather friend. And really judgy to boot.

In my experience, it takes a long time for a married woman to jump ship. You have no idea what has led her down this path. She must have been extremely unhappy in her marriage to do this.

I discovered who my fair weather friends were, when I left my ExH. My friends of 20 years, didn't stand by me. They didn't even ask why I was leaving. If they had, I could have told them that my H had cheated on me with 10 women, and occasionally beat me up. But no, they didn't ask, no doubt talked about me with pursed lips. Ironically, the one friend who was an absolute rock, had only known me for about 5 years. She was amazing.

I also found that some people (my parents) wanted to keep me in the marriage box. Anything else was too uncomfortable. But you can't confine an unhappy person to a marriage that they don't want to be in any more, just because she thought 20 years ago that was what she wanted. Her H may have changed, she may have changed, as people do. She is allowed to leave him and start a different life if she wants! I certainly did just that and I am very happy with my 2nd DH.

My advice to you would be to support your friend. She needs you now, more than ever. If you can't do that, she will never really see you as a friend when this is over.

I stand by my friends whatever they have done as that’s what I think true support is.
You can’t support her atm op because you are judging her. That’s the fact of it. but how YOU feel about her actions is obscuring you offering love and friendship. You don’t actually have to condone her, you could just accept her.

@GoodbyePorpoiseSpit

I stand by my friends whatever they have done as that’s what I think true support is. You can’t support her atm op because you are judging her. That’s the fact of it. but how YOU feel about her actions is obscuring you offering love and friendship. You don’t actually have to condone her, you could just accept her.

That literally cannot be true. What if your friend abused your child? Or their child? Or their partner. I simply don't believe that anyone would be silly enough to stand by their friends no matter what. Reminds me of Fergie coming out in support of her vile exh. Your limit isn't an affair, but I do not believe you have no limits as to what you would support in a friend

My Dad had an affair, and it completely shattered my family apart. Mum had a nervous breakdown and tried to kill herself. Dad was happy with his shiny new young partner (she was 22, Dad was 46) and didn't care that my sister and I were bounced from relative to relative until Mum was well enough to come out of the psychiatric unit she'd been placed in a year later. And I then had to become her carer as she was in no fit state to look after herself let alone two kids.

When a close friend in a group of school mums confided in me she was having an affair with another mums DH, I was horrified.... because I knew the other mum really well and they had a child with complex medical issues. She was such a kind gentle person, and when she sobbed on my shoulder about how absent her DH had become, I was nearly sick. I stopped all contact with the mum having the affair, but I was still caught in the crossfire when it all came out...... it was horrible.

There is never an excuse for having an affair. Never. If you're that unhappy, end the relationship you're in and move on. The devastation from that is nothing to the devastation that an affair causes.

@WhatAHexIGotInto

I would love to live in the black and white world that so many PPs do. It must be so simple.

@brogueish some people just have a very clear benchmark of behaviour on what they find acceptable. 🤷

This times 100!!

Maybe I will be accused of being judgemental but I don't like spending my free time with someone who's behaviours and morals are low enough to actively chase and sleep with somebody else's husband... repeatedly. (In my case I mentioned previously it was made even worse by the fact the married man and his unsuspecting wife were going through IVF and ex-friend would laugh about how funny it would be if she fell pregnant)

"I discovered who my fair weather friends were, when I left my ExH. My friends of 20 years, didn't stand by me. They didn't even ask why I was leaving. If they had, I could have told them that my H had cheated on me with 10 women, and occasionally beat me up."

I'm sure you have sufficient imagination to know that all women and all affairs are different. Friend confided her story to op and op listened. If she failed to mention his physical abuse and string of affairs, she can't be surprised if it isn't taken into account.

@BlondeDogLady you left a marriage where you were abused.

Did you embark on a 6 month affair in order to do so?

The two are poles apart. One is leaving a marriage. The other is a 6 month affair.

@BlondeDogLady I'm sorry for your situation, but it's different to the OP's. You left a marriage made intolerable by your Husband.

OP's friend has been shagging someone behind her Husband and children's backs for months. She's your Ex in the situation, not you.

If she was unhappy in the relationship and had simply left my view/advice would be completely different.

My benchmark isn't just an affair. I've already mentioned it, but the family member I've all but cut out didn't have an affair and had some veeeeeery strong views on other people having affairs. But she has behaved so appallingly in a different way. No, not to me (although she has done that too, but the straw that broke the camel's back was not to do with me really).

It is not the brag people seem to think it is when they say "I'd stay mates with my mates whatever they did"

You don’t have to condone someone to support them even if you passionately abhor what they have done. We are human!
Ummm @SarahJessicaParker1 well yes I don’t think a friend would abuse my children - I think violent sexual crimes go without saying???? that’s not really in the realms of everyday friendship more a weird thought experiment. But in the real work people do make mistakes like affairs and I don’t think a friend should be judgemental. I might have a view on it but that’s not really the point.

:59DrSbaitso

if shed got pissed and driven her car and hit a child and was due up in court for it i wonder how many of the same people would still be saying you should suspend your moral judgement and support her

If it was a close friend I'd support a friend through this. Of course I wouldnt condone her behaviour, Id never drunk drive myself but i accept that im as capable of making mistakes as the next person- but I'd support her as she would need it and that's what friendship is about to me.

'In my experience, it takes a long time for a married woman to jump ship.'

But she hasn't jumped ship, has she? She couldz But she hasn't. And until she does, she's still on it, and just fucking another married person in a sleazy sex hotel every time the ship docks.

I see no-one's particularly anxious to detail the kind of support an adulterer apparently needs . . .

I don’t think the whole “she made a mistake, support her” thing applies here.

OP’s friend is not someone who had a “moment of madness” has now finished the affair and is regretting it.

OP’s friend is still having the affair and wants to continue seeing OM. The only thing she is feeling bad about is the effect on her DCs.

That’s not someone who thinks they have made a mistake.

It's so weird to read all these posts saying ' everyone makes mistakes'...'you don't know what the state of their marriage was'...'don't be so judgmental'...'you're no friend if you don't support her'

Normally the MN attitude to anyone having an affair is as judgmental as it gets, and abuse is rained upon their head. But of course that's if the culprit is a man. Or the OW.

The hypocrisy of this place beggars belief.

Good friends do not mindlessly support people as they throw themselves off cliffs or under busses. Or as the do the same to other people.

It's not about judgement, it's about discernment - understanding what aligns with your values and truths and whatr doesn't.

So if it were my friend, I would tell her that I love her but she's behaved really badly, and that is why she is feeling guilty. It is appropriate guilt, and the only way to change it is to put the situation right - end the affair, or tell her husband.

I would be there to support her whichever she chooses - but I would not be aorund if she continued the affair for a proloinged period - for me that would be about a month - others may feel differently. And during that month I would not be willing to discuss the other man and that relationship at all, outside of how to end it if that was the decision.

I was in the same situation as you op. Friend having an affair wanting me to be her alibi. I refused, she started being hostile towards me so after a few months I decided to end the friendship of 25 years. I haven't seen or spoke to her now for 9 years. Her affair didn't last and she is still unhappily married to her husband apparently.