Don't want to be in contact with friend who is having ex marital affair but being made to feel guilty

[MrsPatrickDempsey]

V close friend has admitted to an affair of 6 months (married for a considerable period of time with children).

Friend is currently splitting time between living with their own family and other man. Friend is in turmoil; is distraught with guilt regarding the impact of her actions. Wants to be with other man but is committed to children (older teens).
Friend told me all of the details as affair became uncovered. I just listened with no judgement but have not been in contact since as I am angry about her actions because of the hurt she has brought on her family.
A mutual friend who also knows about the circumstances suggested to me that I should contact affair friend and support her, implying loosely that I am mean for not doing so and adding to affair friend’s distress as she is upset that I haven’t been in touch since her disclosure. I feel guilty but Aibu in not wanting to be in touch? A) it’s not really any of my business B) I can’t be supportive/empathic/sympathetic of her actions
C) don’t know what to say and don’t want to listen to the details again or about problems she has created.
If she contacted me I wouldn’t ignore her and would respond accordingly but I want to keep out of it. It is the only thing consuming her at the moment and there would be nothing else to talk about.
Would appreciate some clarity.

I think I would save all of my supportive energies for her husband and children, when they find out. I think they'll be more upset than op's friend currently is. To be honest, I suspect op's friend has a lot more hurt ahead of her but she orchestrated it herself so really can't be surprised if people view her differently when they learn that she can lie to loved ones for months and months.

@LetHimHaveIt

'What support does she need? If shagging someone else is upsetting her, she can stop cant she?'

Don't bother. I've asked that question two or three times, and none of the 'Not much of a friend, are you?' brigade can answer. For glaringly obvious reasons.

Wow. That's a bit strong!

Look, I'm as anti affairs as the next woman on here. They destroy families and lives. This I understand. And as far as I can see, the OP is not being asked to be involved in the affair, only considering whether she will support her friend.

In answer to the question, what support does she need, well that would depend wouldn't it. She may just need to know she still has a friend.

Here's a scenario for you. Friends DH is an arse. He is threatening to leave her homeless and penniless because of her actions. She is scared that she will lose everything and friends with it. Now, the few closest friends I have are like family to me. Even when my family totally fuck up, I still love them and I'm still there for them. Even when I completely disagree with their actions. I cut them some slack because I love them. I'm not a doormat. I'm not agreeing with them. I'm just still there for them, listening to them, offering advice when asked for, and practical help when required.

Contrary to Mumsnet opinion, people are not black and white. There are myriad shades of grey in between. Nobody is all good or all bad. You can be a good person doing shorty things or a bad person doing good things.

So yes, I would stand by my friend without condoning/approving/liking their actions. It would take a lot more than an affair for me to change that. If you were talking murder here or serious criminal activity then I would be reviewing those friendships. That's just where my personal bar is.

Op asked for advice. Asked what we would do. So that is what I would do.

"In answer to the question, what support does she need, well that would depend wouldn't it. She may just need to know she still has a friend."

Well she's confided in other friends too, who do seem supportive, so how many people need to listen to her whining now?

"Here's a scenario for you. Friends DH is an arse. He is threatening to leave her homeless and penniless because of her actions. She is scared that she will lose everything and friends with it."

She's already confided the whole story to op. If there were mitigating factors, I think op would know.

I suspect that it is not support she needs as such, but rather a desperate need to repeat the same story, details snd justifications to anyone willing to listen - she needs people to convince her she's not behaving like a shit and she hasn't fucked up her family, and probably a little tear-mopping because after all she probably genuinely thinks that she is really, really suffering more than anyone else in this awful situation is or ever will.

@twominutesmore

"In answer to the question, what support does she need, well that would depend wouldn't it. She may just need to know she still has a friend."

Well she's confided in other friends too, who do seem supportive, so how many people need to listen to her whining now?

"Here's a scenario for you. Friends DH is an arse. He is threatening to leave her homeless and penniless because of her actions. She is scared that she will lose everything and friends with it."

She's already confided the whole story to op. If there were mitigating factors, I think op would know.

I suspect that it is not support she needs as such, but rather a desperate need to repeat the same story, details snd justifications to anyone willing to listen - she needs people to convince her she's not behaving like a shit and she hasn't fucked up her family, and probably a little tear-mopping because after all she probably genuinely thinks that she is really, really suffering more than anyone else in this awful situation is or ever will.

All of your post is based on assumptions. None of us know what this friend is like or what's she's done.

Op described her as a 'v close friend'. She also said friend has confessed everything and is torn up. Now you might not be sympathetic to what she's done, but anyone with an ounce of empathy can accept that situations like these come with some serious distress for all parties.

I keep reiterating, nobody has to approve of what she did, but if it is a very close friend, do you throw away that friendship because of actions that have no effect on you? I wouldn't. You might.

My response was for the op. If she considers her to be a genuine good friend, does she really want to shun her? Clearly you are of the opinion that it is worth ending a friendship over. I however am not. I think good friends are vital and very hard to come by. Think carefully before you sacrifice such friendship.

The thing is, none of those with 'a strong moral code' who would shun this person will achieve the ultimate desire, which is to end infidelity. It is not how humans work. Infidelity has been around forever and will always be. Some cultures have killed and still do because of it. Ultimately, they are doing it to personally protect their marriages and ensure that it is totally taboo. But that is because they believe they would never do it and want to keep social punishment in place.

I believe that just adds to the distress of the circle of those affected by affairs. They are deeply unpleasant and can certainly be traumatic but shutting down conversations, cutting off friendships adds to the colateral damage. I am not saying skip up merrily and congratulate adulterers but the lack of nuance baffles and frightens me.

She feels guilty because she's done something wrong and her actions have caused harm to others. Guilt is a natural human emotion. Sometimes guilt is misplaced, but often it's not, as sounds like the case with your friend.
It's overwhelmingly selfish for her to expect anyone else to help her feel better about her guilt, when feeling guilty is exactly the right way to feel in her situation. I hope she is not also expecting her teenaged children to rally round her and help her feel less guilty. She is not the victim here

@sofato5miles

The thing is, none of those with 'a strong moral code' who would shun this person will achieve the ultimate desire, which is to end infidelity. It is not how humans work. Infidelity has been around forever and will always be. Some cultures have killed and still do because of it. Ultimately, they are doing it to personally protect their marriages and ensure that it is totally taboo. But that is because they believe they would never do it and want to keep social punishment in place.

I believe that just adds to the distress of the circle of those affected by affairs. They are deeply unpleasant and can certainly be traumatic but shutting down conversations, cutting off friendships adds to the colateral damage. I am not saying skip up merrily and congratulate adulterers but the lack of nuance baffles and frightens me.

That's a really good, fair post. I suppose I have seen a fair few adulterers being fawned over and supported during this difficult narcissistic time in their lives while their trashed spouses are left lonely and trying to deal with the fallout for bewildered, distressed children. My heart goes out far more to the person left holding the fort not the one who had to follow their groin heart.

@sofato5miles

The thing is, none of those with 'a strong moral code' who would shun this person will achieve the ultimate desire, which is to end infidelity. It is not how humans work. Infidelity has been around forever and will always be. Some cultures have killed and still do because of it. Ultimately, they are doing it to personally protect their marriages and ensure that it is totally taboo. But that is because they believe they would never do it and want to keep social punishment in place.

I believe that just adds to the distress of the circle of those affected by affairs. They are deeply unpleasant and can certainly be traumatic but shutting down conversations, cutting off friendships adds to the colateral damage. I am not saying skip up merrily and congratulate adulterers but the lack of nuance baffles and frightens me.

Replace ‘infidelity’ with ‘domestic violence’ or ‘murder’ or ‘paedophilia’ and the rest of the post still stands though

I’m not trying to directly compare them, but it’s perfectly acceptable to cut people out when they do things that cause horrific harm to people around them, and I’m definitely including affairs in that

The thing is, none of those with 'a strong moral code' who would shun this person will achieve the ultimate desire, which is to end infidelity.

I think it's a bit of a reach to assume that anyone expects to 'end infidelity', especially in the case where the infidelity had anyway happened.

There are plenty of reasons not to be friends with someone and intentionally hurting their kids, physically or emotionally, is just one of them. I've similarly cooled a friendship with someone who was planning to move their child in with a partner after a matter of weeks and someone who was working 'off the books' in the family business to avoid paying child support.

I'm not arrogant enough to believe that the lack of my support or friendship would change their minds about what they were doing, but it became harder to have any meaningful relationship with them when it became apparent that our values differed so greatly.

I don't understand how someone deciding to leave a relationship with their partner is simply 'how humans work', but a friend deciding not to pursue a friendship is a 'social punishment'.

I agree DysmalRadius - it's not about the person and changing them. It's about your own standards and boundaries

@frazzledasarock
I totally agree with every word you have written.