Don't want to be in contact with friend who is having ex marital affair but being made to feel guilty

[MrsPatrickDempsey]

V close friend has admitted to an affair of 6 months (married for a considerable period of time with children).

Friend is currently splitting time between living with their own family and other man. Friend is in turmoil; is distraught with guilt regarding the impact of her actions. Wants to be with other man but is committed to children (older teens).
Friend told me all of the details as affair became uncovered. I just listened with no judgement but have not been in contact since as I am angry about her actions because of the hurt she has brought on her family.
A mutual friend who also knows about the circumstances suggested to me that I should contact affair friend and support her, implying loosely that I am mean for not doing so and adding to affair friend’s distress as she is upset that I haven’t been in touch since her disclosure. I feel guilty but Aibu in not wanting to be in touch? A) it’s not really any of my business B) I can’t be supportive/empathic/sympathetic of her actions
C) don’t know what to say and don’t want to listen to the details again or about problems she has created.
If she contacted me I wouldn’t ignore her and would respond accordingly but I want to keep out of it. It is the only thing consuming her at the moment and there would be nothing else to talk about.
Would appreciate some clarity.

@DrSbaitso

if shed got pissed and driven her car and hit a child and was due up in court for it i wonder how many of the same people would still be saying you should suspend your moral judgement and support her

This is not the first time I've seen people on here equate affairs with killing children.

in not saying its anywhere on the same level , i just used it as an example , i think its odd that some replies have been harsh on the op as in shes got to put aside her moral judgement , how she feels about the pain her friend is causing family and support her anyways , this is an affair , not a hard pressed single mother who was so desperate shes been caught shoplifiing a load of stuff and has been caught , its an affair , no one gets desperate or needs to have one , there really is no need to do it other than lack of self control and lust really

OP you don't say anything to her, she doesn't need your input. I have been in her situation and had a close friend drop me when I told her about my affair, I understand she couldn't condone it. Luckily I had better friends who listened to what I was going through with my (now ex) husband and supported me through everything.

Affairs are nothing like killing anyone. "I didn't think that needed to be said ummmmmm"

But the op isn't sure she wants to support friend through this. The coercion on here is pretty bad actually "if you were a good friend you'd support her". No. Shut up. Sorry to be so rude, but really.

@blablablablablablablabla

Well, you're not really a good friend if you're not willing to support your friend through this, sorry.

People make mistakes in life. Get off your judgemental high horse. Your friend knows how much she's messed up. She doesn't need your judgement.

She's better off without you to be fair. Just keep doing what you're doing, but you'll lose a friend. It doesn't sound like you care if that happens because of how disgusting you think she is anyway. So it's a win win for you both.

🙄

OP, it's fine. Sometimes people turn out to be something other than what we thought they were. Your friend's moral compass no longer aligns with yours and it's perfectly reasonable for you to want some distance from her.

You sound very judgmental. Do you know much about your friends emotions that led to the affair? There are two people in a relationship and only they are living that relationship. You cannot judge what's going on and unless any of them opens up to you, you shouldn't. Your role as a friend is to support emotionally. Are you really actually friends or just superficial acquaintances?

‘ Life is complex, unpredictable and messy’ ‘people aren’t perfect’

Irrelevant generalisations. OP gets to decide whether or not she wants to remain friends with her friend who has done this specific thing, affecting other specific people.

A PP claims a friend would ‘bury a body’ (commit a crime) for her. Seems unlikely!

I agree with your actions OP. While people like this are supported, they carry on.

@BlondeDogLady

You sound like a fair weather friend. And really judgy to boot.

In my experience, it takes a long time for a married woman to jump ship. You have no idea what has led her down this path. She must have been extremely unhappy in her marriage to do this.

I discovered who my fair weather friends were, when I left my ExH. My friends of 20 years, didn't stand by me. They didn't even ask why I was leaving. If they had, I could have told them that my H had cheated on me with 10 women, and occasionally beat me up. But no, they didn't ask, no doubt talked about me with pursed lips. Ironically, the one friend who was an absolute rock, had only known me for about 5 years. She was amazing.

I also found that some people (my parents) wanted to keep me in the marriage box. Anything else was too uncomfortable. But you can't confine an unhappy person to a marriage that they don't want to be in any more, just because she thought 20 years ago that was what she wanted. Her H may have changed, she may have changed, as people do. She is allowed to leave him and start a different life if she wants! I certainly did just that and I am very happy with my 2nd DH.

My advice to you would be to support your friend. She needs you now, more than ever. If you can't do that, she will never really see you as a friend when this is over.

but this woman has not jumped ship though , shes spent six months living with her unknowing family , screwing another man behind their backs , its not like seperated from him first before then embarking on this relationship , if she had none of this would be as bad , i expect its the deceit and lies that are causing all the pain and shes still carrying it on by staying there to live with her family , dragging out the pain

@Dozer

‘ Life is complex, unpredictable and messy’ ‘people aren’t perfect’

Irrelevant generalisations. OP gets to decide whether or not she wants to remain friends with her friend who has done this specific thing, affecting other specific people.

A PP claims a friend would ‘bury a body’ (commit a crime) for her. Seems unlikely!

Agree.

All very quick with the "don't be so judgey - be a WONDERFUL non judgemental person like me" comments, while nastily coercing another person to act in a way they aren't comfortable with.

I've been in a similar situation quite a few years ago, at the time I was young and newly married and felt very disapproving of my friend as she was also using me as a cover for seeing this man who was also married.
However she was, and still is, my oldest friend and I could see she was desperately unhappy at the time. I now look back and wish I'd been a bit less judgemental and more supportive and have said as much to my friend despite having been on the receiving end of infidelity myself.
Life is difficult and messy at times, if she is a good friend I'd say you can be supportive without condoning her actions.

The thing is what kind of support are you supposed to be providing?
If your friend or her family member were sick, lost a job, suffered a trauma you would know what to do based on your friendship.
Provide a listening ear, help with money or paperwork, clean the house/bring some cooked meals etc.
But what support does someone having an affair need other than an alibi or to be listened to? You already know you don't want to listen.
Years ago I listened to a single friend having an affair with a married man. She was always having relationship drama, unsuitable men etc and I felt sorry for her.
I stopped listening after she brought him to a party as a friend and he showed pictures of his new baby to someone else at the party.
I didn't drop her but told her I couldn't listen anymore as the pain they would cause if his wife found out had become too real for me.
She dropped me, because all she wanted was an audience.
So I would refuse to talk about her with anyone else as that's just gossip, and if your really worried about her meet up telling her in advance you don't want to hear one word about her affair partner. She may decline to see you in that case but if she doesn't then you can maybe be a help by giving her a break from the drama and talking about less emotionally intense subjects for a while.
As an aside a lot of men don't lose friends after having affairs because they don't expect their friends to listen to them talk about it or offer support.

And to add that a lot of people (including me) have managed to say that they would or have supported some friends through similar without telling op to do the same.

Don't feel guilty, she gave away any right to sympathy when she started having an affair, you shouldn't have to put your own morals to bed, because it suits your friend. Would she expect support if she'd committed murder too, would you still feel guilty not giving it? I doubt it.

I've been in this situation, friend was set on starting an affair with another friends DP. I ripped her a new arsehole when she thought it was okay to discuss her excitement at his visits to her place of work & told her in no uncertain terms that I was not going to be her friend if she did this.

You do not have to adjust your own morals to accommodate someone else's shitty behaviour. Do not feel guilty for having a good moral compass. Your other friend is an arse for expecting otherwise

Some posters are being very judgemental of OP, who has done nothing except hesitate to support her friend’s affair. That shows we all make value judgements, including people who say “don’t be judgemental”.

Me, I'm harsh, I wouldn't have anything to do with them every again. Judgy - yes, absolutely and no issues with having standards and expecting others to have them too.

Oh and I would also tell their DH.

It’s just a different opinion to you @SarahJessicaParker1 there’s no need for personal attacks?

I suspect the answers on this thread are split solidly between those who've had affairs and those who have personal experience of just how much pain they cause.

@GoodbyePorpoiseSpit

It’s just a different opinion to you *@SarahJessicaParker1* there’s no need for personal attacks?

I didn't personally attack you. Feel free to report if you disagree!

It actually isn't just a difference of opinion. You and others have tried to manipulate the op who has clearly stated that she does not want to be in contact with this woman. Why is that so difficult for you and others to accept without resorting to manipulation? If you don't like my tone, tough luck. I don't like the way you tried to manipulate the op. It was extremely poor behaviour from you and a number of others. Don't try to manipulate me into backing down as you already are - I can see it.

You can be her friend without approving of what she's doing.

She came to you for support. Not judgement.

I've been there myself with a friend. Her marriage was a joke, she was staying in it for her young kids and she was having an affair. I didnt approve of her actions but I made sure to be there for her as a friend. She really needed me as she was in a total mess. My only stipulation was that I never wanted to be used as a cover story and she kept that promise.

I think your actions say more about you than her situation to be honest.

@TheGreatATuin

I suspect the answers on this thread are split solidly between those who've had affairs and those who have personal experience of just how much pain they cause.

Fully agree. Particularly enjoying the PP who identified her 'better' friends as being those who endorsed her adultery. Hilarious.

‘ Life is complex, unpredictable and messy’ ‘people aren’t perfect’

That includes friendships. No-one should feel obliged to, or pressured into supporting a friend who is behaving in a way that goes way against ones own values and beliefs.

All this 'I would support a friend no matter what' is nonsense. I consider myself a good friend but when a friend of almost 20 years put a teenager in hospital because she chose to drive her car after a liquid lunch, no, I did not support her. I am not an enabler of shit behaviour.

I think perhaps you need to work out why you are ignoring her, are you punishing her?

And op, as you see from this thread, even as an innocent bystander, you get dragged in when there is drama of this kind. I've been there too with extended family and have been had some downright aggressive behaviour towards me for first of all not being judgemental enough about a family member's affair and then for being too judgemental of the guy who got caught out using sex workers. This aggression all came from the same person which makes it even more ridiculous!

So my advice would be do what YOU want. You said you do not want to be in contact with her. Do not let holier than though 'liberal' minded people coerce you into supporting or contacting her if you are not comfortable doing it.

If you do want to support her though, that's also fine. But you are not a bad person or a bad friend if you don't want to. Nobody on here but you knows the exact circumstances of your friendship

That includes friendships. No-one should feel obliged to, or pressured into supporting a friend who is behaving in a way that goes way against ones own values and beliefs.

Fully agree with this. If OP decides that on balance, she doesn't want to continue that friendship, that's entirely her prerogative. I don't think there's been much suggestion that she should do otherwise though to be fair. People have just said what they would/might do, or have done.