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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don't want to be in contact with friend who is having ex marital affair but being made to feel guilty

211 replies

MrsPatrickDempsey · 02/01/2022 08:07

V close friend has admitted to an affair of 6 months (married for a considerable period of time with children).

Friend is currently splitting time between living with their own family and other man. Friend is in turmoil; is distraught with guilt regarding the impact of her actions. Wants to be with other man but is committed to children (older teens).
Friend told me all of the details as affair became uncovered. I just listened with no judgement but have not been in contact since as I am angry about her actions because of the hurt she has brought on her family.
A mutual friend who also knows about the circumstances suggested to me that I should contact affair friend and support her, implying loosely that I am mean for not doing so and adding to affair friend’s distress as she is upset that I haven’t been in touch since her disclosure. I feel guilty but Aibu in not wanting to be in touch? A) it’s not really any of my business B) I can’t be supportive/empathic/sympathetic of her actions
C) don’t know what to say and don’t want to listen to the details again or about problems she has created.
If she contacted me I wouldn’t ignore her and would respond accordingly but I want to keep out of it. It is the only thing consuming her at the moment and there would be nothing else to talk about.
Would appreciate some clarity.

OP posts:
Somanysocks · 02/01/2022 08:37

What your friend is doing is not a 'mistake', what she's doing is deliberate and selfish.

She is trying to make you feel guilty because she knows she is in the wrong and was hoping for some validation from you so she can continue her sordid affair with some support.

Don't compromise your morals because other people lose theirs. You can still be there for her but not condone what she is doing. She sounds selfish.

blablablablablablablabla · 02/01/2022 08:37

[quote WhatAHexIGotInto]@blablablablablablablabla where does the OP say that this woman has lost all her friends? She does mention a mutual friend but ... did I miss the other bit or did you just make that bit up?[/quote]
She doesn't, but it sounds like most people on here would cut the friend off.

HelloDulling · 02/01/2022 08:37

You don’t want to be involved. Fair enough. It sounds harsh, but it’s your call.

DeepaBeesKit · 02/01/2022 08:38

An 6 month long affair isn't just a "mistake"

It's more fucking mistakes than you can count

Dozer · 02/01/2022 08:41

Personally I wouldn’t end a close friendship over an affair, no.

Original poster
MrsPatrickDempsey · 02/01/2022 08:43

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate your replies and I think the differing responses actually confirm the complexity of my feelings. God it so hard.

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 02/01/2022 08:44

[quote MrsPatrickDempsey]@blablablablablablablabla
Yep you are right - I am judging but I am genuinely worried about her state of health and mind. I just don't know what support to give because she is in an untenable situation at the moment. I don't just want to be embroiled in the detail of it all.
What do I say? [/quote]
"I love you, but I hate what you're doing. I don't want to hear about it because it feels like I'm involved. I'm here for you when you make a decision."

WhatAHexIGotInto · 02/01/2022 08:44

@blablablablablablablabla who knows, most people don't know what they would do in these circumstances until they face it themselves.

I think the OP should do what she feels comfortable with, not put herself in a situation where she has the stress of knowing information that she may not want to know, or that might put her in a difficult position. We all set our own standards.

Peas252 · 02/01/2022 08:46

I'm confused, why does this horrible cheat need support?

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/01/2022 08:47

If she’s a close friend you care about, as you appear to, and you are worried about her, as you say you are - then be her friend and check in on her. In this case it’s all out in the open and the damage has been done, so the issue of colluding with her is moot.

You can and should be honest with her - tell her that you are finding this tough because of the hurt she has caused which you are appalled by, but she’ll always be your friend, and you want to be there for her.

If you want to cut her off or back off as people here are suggesting you do, then that’s fair enough, but it’s not what real friendship is about.
If your sibling or your child behaved like this, would you cut them off? Of course not - so you don’t do it to a proper friend either.

LadyEloise1 · 02/01/2022 08:49

Just came on to say I disagree vehemently with @blablablablablablablabla

I would have the same opinion as you OP

anon12345678901 · 02/01/2022 08:50

@MrsPatrickDempsey

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate your replies and I think the differing responses actually confirm the complexity of my feelings. God it so hard.
It's a very difficult decision. I guess you need to think and decide is she a good friend that you would like in your life in future? Have you missed speaking to her? You can say to her you don't agree with her behaviour and don't want any part in it, including talking about it and the other man. Ultimately it's up to you, she hasn't gone into this blindly, it's not a mistake as she's been doing it for 6 months, she knows what she's doing will hurt people and is carrying on. Tbh you did judge by not speaking to her, but I think most people would judge someone in this situation. Even if they don't mean to. So don't be hard on yourself for finding it difficult to know what to do, as you see from here, there's several posters who wouldn't either. Could you explain to her that you don't support her actions? Thing is, if you continue your friendship as is, she may start to give these details and if it implodes, come for sympathy.
saraclara · 02/01/2022 08:50

@blablablablablablablabla

Imagine a man losing all his friends because he had an affair.. wouldn't happen.
I'm not sure what that's got to do with anything.

However, quite apart from the fact that this woman hasn't lost ALL her friends (just OP) you're wrong. I do know of a man who lost at least two of his friends because he had an affair.

ImInStealthMode · 02/01/2022 08:51

I don't blame you OP. Affairs are a deal-breaker for me in either relationships and friendships, having had my childhood completely ripped apart by two.

Some year ago a single friend of mine was seeing a married Man. I tried very hard not to let it affect how I viewed her to begin with, but when she stayed with him despite knowing that his wife was pregnant I couldn't do it any more. I can't be friends with someone I have no respect for so I walked away.

I think the idea that you can ignore one flaw in a person's character when it's such a grating one for you is a strange one. I couldn't be friends with a racist because 'they're a good person otherwise' no more than I could be friends with someone prepared to willingly (never 'by mistake') gamble with their partner and children's happiness and emotional security.

whiteroseredrose · 02/01/2022 08:51

@blablablablablablablabla

Imagine a man losing all his friends because he had an affair.. wouldn't happen.
Actually it does. Friend's DH had an affair with his first girlfriend when they bumped into eachother. They have since split up and he is no longer included. My friend is.

In OP's situation I'd say that nice people can do stupid and unpleasant things sometimes. I'd contact her, say friend has suggested that you do, and that you will support her in giving up the affair and then trying to work things out with her DH, even if it leads to a split. But you refuse to talk about OM.

FWIW we are currently dealing with the fall out from MIL just discovering that FIL had an affair 25 years ago. It is bloody awful. They are in their 80s and this should have been addressed at the time. She feels that all those years have been a lie and is distraught at having to split up at 87.

notanothertakeaway · 02/01/2022 08:53

I think it's reasonable to re-assess friendships, when people show that they don't share your values

I like the wording suggested by @DrSbaitso at 08.44

KiloWhat · 02/01/2022 08:54

Up to you. No one is perfect. You could help her talk through her feelings and support her and encourage her if she wants to tell her husband.
Or you could walk away.

It's up to you 100% but remember she is a human nor a robot and people screw up.

SarahJessicaParker1 · 02/01/2022 08:54

I actually don't think op should be encouraged to check in on her.

I think, as I said earlier, although I'd probably support some friends doing similar, you feel how you feel. If you can't be around her, do not be. You do not owe her support or friendship. She is the one who has created the problem, so she can deal with it.

Only thinking this, as, putting myself in op's shoes, if someone said "aw if you love family member, you should check how she's doing" I'd probably find that pressure a little unfair. Why should an innocent bystander be pressured into caring for someone who is in a drama of their own making? BUT, depends on the history. My family member is a nasty piece of work in other ways too. If it was someone I normally adored and had a string friendship with, I'd probably feel differently

blablablablablablablabla · 02/01/2022 08:55

If you want to cut her off or back off as people here are suggesting you do, then that’s fair enough, but it’s not what real friendship is about.
If your sibling or your child behaved like this, would you cut them off? Of course not - so you don’t do it to a proper friend either.

This

SarahJessicaParker1 · 02/01/2022 08:55

Strong *

KiloWhat · 02/01/2022 08:56

I personally would go with something like @DrSbaitso suggests. But if you really can't then that's fine too.

Lucked · 02/01/2022 08:58

You say she is splitting time between her family and the man. Does that mean her husband is currently accepting the situation? How does she keep it secret if she is at the other mans house?

gogohm · 02/01/2022 08:59

Kind of depends on the circumstances, was she in a loveless marriage or simply staying together for the kids/appearances? Does her husband have affairs? Was the marriage falling apart anyway? My ex left me but I did quite quickly meet dp, I split my time between my home (exh had a separate room we decided not to sell until they left university) with my then young adult kids and my Dp's place then moved in with him properly, one dd decided to move in with me Confused

Flingingmelon · 02/01/2022 09:00

What @DrSbaitso said. Good luck OP - it's hard when a friendship is tested.

SarahJessicaParker1 · 02/01/2022 09:05

Also, beware that you may get caught in the crossfire if and when it all comes out.

Again, this is from experience with dickhead family member who crucified me for not telling her something (not even to do with her or her relationship). Teenagers are probably more reasonable than my family member, but they aren't known for being measured. I'd avoid the whole situation tbh, unless you know it will resolve itself without major drama (ie the married couple are all but separated)