Don't want to be in contact with friend who is having ex marital affair but being made to feel guilty

[MrsPatrickDempsey]

V close friend has admitted to an affair of 6 months (married for a considerable period of time with children).

Friend is currently splitting time between living with their own family and other man. Friend is in turmoil; is distraught with guilt regarding the impact of her actions. Wants to be with other man but is committed to children (older teens).
Friend told me all of the details as affair became uncovered. I just listened with no judgement but have not been in contact since as I am angry about her actions because of the hurt she has brought on her family.
A mutual friend who also knows about the circumstances suggested to me that I should contact affair friend and support her, implying loosely that I am mean for not doing so and adding to affair friend’s distress as she is upset that I haven’t been in touch since her disclosure. I feel guilty but Aibu in not wanting to be in touch? A) it’s not really any of my business B) I can’t be supportive/empathic/sympathetic of her actions
C) don’t know what to say and don’t want to listen to the details again or about problems she has created.
If she contacted me I wouldn’t ignore her and would respond accordingly but I want to keep out of it. It is the only thing consuming her at the moment and there would be nothing else to talk about.
Would appreciate some clarity.

Really needed to read this thread today as I'm in a very similar situation with a friend. I'm amazed she can't see the pain this is causing her family and I'm finding it really difficult to listen because all she talks about all the time is the man she's obsessed with. Sadly I fear our long friendship will not survive this.

OP you absolutely do not have to support someone who's morals do not align with your own and I find it extraordinary people are suggesting you do.

I liked the comment someone made up thread about not having to support people's drama of their own making. I think that's right.

I couldn’t just cut off a very close friend over this, tbh. That doesn’t mean I would unquestioningly support them in behaviours I thought were wrong - true friends, imvho, are willing to listen to each other, try to understand each other, but also tell each other when they think they are doing the wrong thing and talk through alternative choices that might have less emotionally harmful consequences in the long run. True friends help support each other in thinking things through when their emotions are making it hard for them to think clearly by themselves. Your friend already knows, or needs to be told, she is doing the wrong thing by absolutely everyone at the moment - herself, her children, her dh and the new partner - hence the emotional turmoil. She has to make some unpalatable decisions, now, and live with the consequences. You, as her close friend, ought to be there to help her with that. It is not the law that friends have to approve of each other’s fuck ups, but they shouldn’t just forget why they are friends the minute they disapprove of their behaviour.

'You can be her friend without approving of what she's doing.

She came to you for support. Not judgement.'

The difficulty being, I'm not sure that she can stipulate that. You might want support (again: for what? What are all these friends supposed to be supporting?) and not want judgement, but you're doing a pretty shitty thing, so you have to expect that support isn't going to be especially forthcoming.

This whole thing is bullshit. OP did listen. She didn't care for what she heard, and now she's gone quiet. (So we might assume this woman isn't having an affair because her husband beats her, or is emotionally abusive, or is having an affair himself). That's not especially 'judgy' (such a stupid fucking adolescent word, btw. Only equalled by 'grabby'). She hasn't told the husband (or wife). She hasn't sent her friend cross-stitched passages from the Bible about colourful punishments for adulterers. She just isn't especially anxious to listen to how awful this friend's situation is for her. And who can blame her?

I think of a fairweather friend as one who wants to be there for the good times and not the bad. So, for example, someone who is a friend when you're fun, and attractive, and wealthy, and popular - but deserts you if you put on four stone because of your depression medication, or your house is repossessed, your get alopecia, or your child turns out to have SEN. Having an affair isn't something that happens to you. You're making a choice. A bad one. And no-one has to support that.

I wouldn’t cut a friend off for this - maybe a sensible friend can help her see sense? She may be having some sort of breakdown or crisis? Is she being taken advantage of?
There’s no point in judging others, it’s a toxic mindset imo. I’ve stayed friends with someone who has been in prison for 4 years for a non violent crime and I don’t condone their actions but if all their friends and family cut them off then how are they supposed to rehabilitate? It’s not constructive. Obviously you don’t have an obligation to keep her in your life but I couldn’t cut someone off over something like this, especially if an old or close friend.

Well I guess if you're entirely sure that you would never do anything beyond reproach then fine but it doesn't make you much of a friend. I

My friend has done this and two years on I still struggle with it. I’ve stayed friends with both of the original married couple, with the aim of supporting their child through this, but it hasn’t been easy. Being supportive, I have had to have discussions about the affair partner and the mess it all was but it was hard to be sympathetic in the circumstances and I had to take time out. In the end this eased somewhat as I couldn’t condone it and gradually she talks about it less. The real difficulty though was that during the initial 12/18 months, she literally had zero interest in my life and I’ve found that hard to come back from. We’re still friends but it will never be the same, I don’t think.

People have just said what they would/might do, or have done.

And told her that she's not a good friend @brogueish, so not quite.

I think of a fairweather friend as one who wants to be there for the good times and not the bad. So, for example, someone who is a friend when you're fun, and attractive, and wealthy, and popular - but deserts you if you put on four stone because of your depression medication, or your house is repossessed, your get alopecia, or your child turns out to have SEN. Having an affair isn't something that happens to you. You're making a choice. A bad one. And no-one has to support that.

Yes. OP is not being a fair-weather friend.

I would probably stay in touch . up to a point, with a person who is having an affair. but not in a supportive roll, and would not wish to know about all her woes concerning her affair, she needs to get real, and sort her own problems out.. She should be aware, that affairs can mess up your life, and the lives of others..

I don’t blame you for cutting contact. Why would you want to be involved with someone who is blowing up their life?

For those saying you’re a bad friend for not supporting your friend while she screws around on her husband.. well I argue that you don’t owe your friendship or your support to a friend when they are engaging in toxic, damaging behaviour that is hurting others.

Boundaries . You’re allowed to have them. You don’t approve of her behaviour and yes it’s none of your business, but you don’t have to be friends with someone or have contact with people who themselves don’t respect the boundaries of others. She’s cheating on her husband and lying to her family.

I would judge someone who is doing this and anyone being friends with someone who screws around on their spouse.

It always amuses me when the “stick by them” brigade comes out. No.. you don’t have to have any relationship with cheaters. The cavalier attitude to rubbing your genitals against any and everyone is why STDs are rampant. She’s putting her husbands health at risk which is selfish and dangerous.

'I’ve stayed friends with someone who has been in prison for 4 years for a non violent crime.'

Me too. And I've even listened to a friend when her affair ended. What I didn't do was support his criminal enterprise whilst he was engaged in it, nor support her while she was fucking someone else's husband.

The truth is that many, many people cheat on their partners.

I personally would tell her you don’t agree with her actions so you don’t want to hear about the affair but still be friends with her and support her in everything else.
This is what I usually do as I don’t want to hear the ins and outs of it.

A couple of times I have been aware of all of the details as I have been worried about my friends MH and the person they’re having an affair with - if I acted very judgemental they may have stopped telling me things and put themselves at risk. I acted like I completely understood why they were doing it but was encouraging them to see the light.

Ultimately she is an adult and can make her own mistakes. You also have your own life to deal with.
So I would be supportive but not give it too much of my time or energy.

@TheGreatATuin

I suspect the answers on this thread are split solidly between those who've had affairs and those who have personal experience of just how much pain they cause.

Nope, opposite is true for me. But i am not interested in being a witch hunter. And am very suspicious of those that claim moralistic high ground, in general. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Quite a few unpleasant people in that bracket, i have found.

The way I see it is that we choose our friends based on many things, personality & behaviour I imagine in most cases to be the most important aspects. These are your own choices.

You have just discovered that your friend has been deceiving her family for her own happiness. As your friend, she has deceived you also for the past 6 months, she confided in the other friend you mentioned, but when? Presumably this affair is making her "happy" so the only thing she's needing support for is the pesky guilt...which she wants her friends to help alleviate her of.

If this conduct violates your perimeters of friendship then it's more than acceptable for you to distance yourself from it.

After all, she didn't confide in you either her marriage problems, any information about the lead up to the affair or for the first 6 months of it which would appear that she doesn't view you as the co-conspirator type of friend anyway, or that she wasn't interested in your opinion when it could have deterred her from the affair by helping her address her problems that lead her there or otherwise (solely based on the information in your OP)

I imagine your mixed feelings are due to grief that in your mind, your friend has effectively gone and she is no longer the person you recognise to be your friend. I would say similar to a romantic relationship where you grow apart due to changes or new information revealed.

I suppose you need time to recover from the shock, you could say to either of the friends that it's been a lot of information to process and you need/have needed some time to adjust for the interim.

Also, there's no requirement to make a big statement and burn your bridges, people lose touch all the time without big events, it's normal for some friendships to fade over time. Do what suits you, not what suits others.

Good luck!

@WhatAHexIGotInto

People have just said what they would/might do, or have done.

And told her that she's not a good friend @brogueish, so not quite.

Fair enough. I haven't seen those posts, but if people have said that then I don't agree.

You can end any relationship for any reason including a friendship. You don't need to approval of other to put your own needs first.

I have friends whom I love, unconditionally... and those that I don't. For the former, I would be there for them, regardless.

But that doesn't mean I wouldn't rearrange my boundaries whilst dealing with their ill behaviour. And that's because I've had past experience of being cheated on, which a good friend would know about.

@DysmalRadius

It's not a mistake - she's chosen to do something that will hurt the people she's supposed to love most in the world. You don't have to stay friends with anyone if they behave in a way that you find reprehensible.

I agree with the above. I bet your friend is racked with guilt. And so it should be. I couldn't be friends with her.

Well, you're not really a good friend if you're not willing to support your friend through this, sorry.

People make mistakes in life. Get off your judgemental high horse. Your friend knows how much she's messed up. She doesn't need your judgement.

She's better off without you to be fair. Just keep doing what you're doing, but you'll lose a friend. It doesn't sound like you care if that happens because of how disgusting you think she is anyway. So it's a win win for you both.

3rd post on the thread @brogueish.

@blablablablablablablabla

Well, you're not really a good friend if you're not willing to support your friend through this, sorry.

People make mistakes in life. Get off your judgemental high horse. Your friend knows how much she's messed up. She doesn't need your judgement.

She's better off without you to be fair. Just keep doing what you're doing, but you'll lose a friend. It doesn't sound like you care if that happens because of how disgusting you think she is anyway. So it's a win win for you both.

So if your husband was having an affair, you'll be happy for his friends to 'support him through' his mixed feelings, and double life? Because that's what friends should do?

OP hasn't said if other man is married or not. Unless i've missed it. It was another poster who mentioned ''bitching about the wife''.

Just pointing that out as many posts here are basing their opinions upon that scenario.

We haven't heard anything about the friends husband, the marriage, or her reasons for the affair.

She's better off without you to be fair. Just keep doing what you're doing, but you'll lose a friend. It doesn't sound like you care if that happens because of how disgusting you think she is anyway. So it's a win win for you both.

Has it never occurred to you @blablablablablablablabla, that losing a friend who has shown that their moral compass is streets away from your own & is pretty bloody shit, is not an actual loss at all. Shitty behaviour comes with consequences. Deal with it

I have had exactly this but it was a family member and the man involved was a very dear friend’s husband.

A year on I’m still reeling from it, as is everyone else involved. (Well apart from the happy couple)

I think the key thing is the attitude of your friend. My family member was very defensive and tried to put a lot of blame on my friend for being responsible for a failing marriage. That’s absolutely been the worst thing to do, had the hurt been acknowledged and they’d taken the blame entirely for their choices from the start it’d have been easier for everyone else to accept and move on.

I think if she’s not accepting that what she’s doing is going to be destructive for her kids and really harrowing for her husband it’s going to be hard for you to be involved. I think the key is acknowledging the hurt caused by her choices and not wallowing too much in how she’s feeling. She sounds like she’s keeping everyone hanging onto this will she/won’t she thing and that’s really selfish.

You can still be a friend but you can’t help your opinion changing of her, and it’s probably going to be hard to climb back from that. I feel that one day my situation could be far better, but it’ll take a climb down and some self awareness from my family member, and probably a break up!

Good luck, it’s a hard road, but do remember that you can’t force your feelings, they are what they are, no matter what other people think.

@RockinHorseShit

She's better off without you to be fair. Just keep doing what you're doing, but you'll lose a friend. It doesn't sound like you care if that happens because of how disgusting you think she is anyway. So it's a win win for you both.

Has it never occurred to you @blablablablablablablabla, that losing a friend who has shown that their moral compass is streets away from your own & is pretty bloody shit, is not an actual loss at all. Shitty behaviour comes with consequences. Deal with it

Yes exactly, a win win for both. Incompatible.

@Laiste

OP hasn't said if other man is married or not. Unless i've missed it. It was another poster who mentioned ''bitching about the wife''.

Just pointing that out as many posts here are basing their opinions upon that scenario.

We haven't heard anything about the friends husband, the marriage, or her reasons for the affair.

Actually, I think you're right. If this woman is sometimes actually living with the other man (and OP says she is) it would suggest he's not. Although she's managing it, and she is. Be interesting to know if it's only her partner being betrayed.