Don't want to be in contact with friend who is having ex marital affair but being made to feel guilty

[MrsPatrickDempsey]

V close friend has admitted to an affair of 6 months (married for a considerable period of time with children).

Friend is currently splitting time between living with their own family and other man. Friend is in turmoil; is distraught with guilt regarding the impact of her actions. Wants to be with other man but is committed to children (older teens).
Friend told me all of the details as affair became uncovered. I just listened with no judgement but have not been in contact since as I am angry about her actions because of the hurt she has brought on her family.
A mutual friend who also knows about the circumstances suggested to me that I should contact affair friend and support her, implying loosely that I am mean for not doing so and adding to affair friend’s distress as she is upset that I haven’t been in touch since her disclosure. I feel guilty but Aibu in not wanting to be in touch? A) it’s not really any of my business B) I can’t be supportive/empathic/sympathetic of her actions
C) don’t know what to say and don’t want to listen to the details again or about problems she has created.
If she contacted me I wouldn’t ignore her and would respond accordingly but I want to keep out of it. It is the only thing consuming her at the moment and there would be nothing else to talk about.
Would appreciate some clarity.

@WhatAHexIGotInto

Well, you're not really a good friend if you're not willing to support your friend through this, sorry.

People make mistakes in life. Get off your judgemental high horse. Your friend knows how much she's messed up. She doesn't need your judgement.

She's better off without you to be fair. Just keep doing what you're doing, but you'll lose a friend. It doesn't sound like you care if that happens because of how disgusting you think she is anyway. So it's a win win for you both.

3rd post on the thread @brogueish.

Ok. I'm dipping in and out so obviously not closely reading every post. I retract the second half of my post at 11.02.

@ChiefStockingStuffer I'm not saying I would be happy particularly or sad, but I would expect that he'd not lose his friends over it.

Also, my impression from the OP was that the affair was out in the open now.

its an affair , no one gets desperate or needs to have one , there really is no need to do it other than lack of self control and lust really

My parents have been married for 50+ years. When I was a teenager, and they'd been married for a bit less than 20 years, I noticed something was up with my mum. Whatever it was, she took a lot of out on me, including telling me she wished I didn't exist. I've never actually forgiven her for that comment.

Not long after this, I overheard her talking to a friend about what had been going on. Basically she was being bullied at work and her self esteem was at rock bottom. My dad, apparently, was not very supportive. Knowing my mum, she may not have been able to communicate to him that she needed support and he may have been unable to see she needed it. At this time she was actively pursued by a single man. Single in the sense that he was unmarried and had no partner or girlfriend. So she had an affair. At a time when she felt unwanted, unloved and absolutely useless, she lashed out at me, her young teenage daughter, and cheated on her husband.

But I don't think any of this was really about lack of self control or lust. She hit a very low point. She acted appallingly. But is she, on balance, somehow a dreadful person? No, I don't think she is, despite the effect her behaviour had on me. She messed up, badly. She's not a bad person.

So I can understand why the OP is so confused about what to do about her friend. I think only she can really decide whether she needs to cut her friend out, or maintain the friendship but with strict boundaries in place. I wouldn't blame her whichever action she took.

You don't have to support anyone who is behaving in a shitty manner. You are not her counseller.

Life really isn't that complicated - as long as you don't expect to be able to have your cake and eat it. People just make it complicated and messy by being so fucking entitled.

And she is clearly entitled or she'd have made the effort to contact you rather than moaning about how you haven't contacted her since she dumped all her shit on you.

I would support my friend if they had made their choice to either end the relationship or leave their husband. I would not stay supportive while they carried on further down the cheating path. I'd feel the same about other situations where, after months, the person is still not trying to fix a problem they created for themselves and was being utterly selfish. If I can't help stop you self destruct then I'm going to retreat to a safe distance.

@TheGreatATuin

I suspect the answers on this thread are split solidly between those who've had affairs and those who have personal experience of just how much pain they cause.

Never had an affair nor been cheated on but I simply can't abide liars and cheats. There is never ever an excuse to cheat.

@WhatAHexIGotInto

I would love to live in the black and white world that so many PPs do. It must be so simple.

@brogueish some people just have a very clear benchmark of behaviour on what they find acceptable. 🤷

This! Since when is it wrong to have some boundaries. Our judgement is part of what defines us. We don’t all need to be the same.

OP, you can only do what you’re personally comfortable with and if that’s stepping away, then that’s stepping away.

I don’t have a blanket rule over things like this; for me it would depend on the friend, what I knew of their circumstances and whether what they wanted/needed from me now was something I felt able to give. There are a lot of variables at play.

Affairs are far from great but IMO (and I’m not expecting agreement) they aren’t automatically top of my “unforgivable” list - and yes, I’ve been on the wrong side of other people’s infidelity so I’m not completely naive to the hurt they can cause.

@LetHimHaveIt thank you.

It's often the case that details in a comment near the beginning of a thread will get embedded in a lot of poster's minds as part of the OP. Then half the thread is based on things which aren't facts at all!

I'm not saying it makes it ok if the 'other man' is single - or it makes it ok if the husband is violent or emotionally absent. However details like that might change a lot of people's advice to the OP about if or how to support her friend.

Stay true to your own feelings. You won't do your friend or your friendship any favours by pretence.

    These affairs never stay secret from the spouses for long  and when it comes out, one of the ongoing  hurts to the cheated-on spouses and families, will be  the realisation that  they were the last to find out.  That friends KNEW.

   It's totally unfair of her to put  her friends in that invidious position.

I agree with others you can stay you care about her are worried for her, but you don't feel comfortable with her behaviour and as such distance yourself. Suggest she seeks counselling. A single friend of mine is having an affair with married man with DCs and talks down his wife. I've distanced myself, it's just not decent behaviour and yes I judge.

I wouldnt drop a friend for this. I wouldnt want to be the sounding board for all the affair and angst details though, and I'd tell her that. If there was an insustence on boring me with the minutae despite me saying no thanks I'd distance but thats as far as it goes.

At a time when she felt unwanted, unloved and absolutely useless, she lashed out at me, her young teenage daughter, and cheated on her husband

I think my Mum had a holiday fling. She went away when I was about 15. Dad stayed home to look after us. I'll never know for sure. She's passed away now, but her and my Dad were together for 51 years before she passed. Would I blame her? No. My Dad wasn't a good enough husband to her. He was (and still is) an alcoholic who was verbally abusive and stopped having sex with her when she was too young to hang up those boots. I'm sure that in 1968 when she said her vows she meant them. My Dad was in his twenties and a good looking guy, and I'm assuming treated her well back then. But he changed immensely over the years. Gained several stone, drank daily, regularly threated her with violence (although never following through). Threw various objects across the room most weeks, punched walls, smashed up crockery and glasses etc, etc, etc.

No-one sets out to have an affair or a fling, but people have a snapping point. Has the Op even asked the friend why she looked outside the marriage? There will be an underlying reason. Very few women just sleep around for the hell of it. I suspect she has been unhappy for quite some time, and sees the OM as a rescuer of sorts. She is most likely having some kind of breakdown. Having had a breakdown myself, I do know that all rationality just goes out of the window. This is when you really do need good friends.

A few years ago a long term friend told me she had been having an affair and was pregnant, soon to have a termination. I judged her so hard! She swore she was still happy with her partner despite the affair. But since then I have learned alot about life and people and I no longer judge her. People are complicated and they do strange things. Actually now I judge myself for judging her so harshly.

@blablablablablablablabla

Imagine a man losing all his friends because he had an affair.. wouldn't happen.

maybe it should though. There'd be a shitload less affairs if someone knew they'd be cut off by everyone; and there'd be less abandoned children.

Anything goes is a shit way to live.

No-one sets out to have an affair or a fling, but people have a snapping point. Has the Op even asked the friend why she looked outside the marriage? There will be an underlying reason. Very few women just sleep around for the hell of it. I suspect she has been unhappy for quite some time, and sees the OM as a rescuer of sorts. She is most likely having some kind of breakdown. Having had a breakdown myself, I do know that all rationality just goes out of the window. This is when you really do need good friends.

I'm sorry but none of us can really assume this to be true. Some people really do go out looking for affairs, that's why they join dating site specifically for this purpose. Some people have affairs because they're being treated badly by their partner, some do it out of boredom and some do it because they want the excitement.

Stick to your principles OP, they are the only thing that matters. It is okay to not be happy helping someone who is actively engaged in an affair.

Imagine a man losing all his friends because he had an affair.. wouldn't happen.

But it does happen IME. I've seen it a few times where a guy has put his friends in a difficult situation with the friends DP & they've stood up & told them it's not on. DH & a whole group of them did it with a good longtime friend of theirs, they cut him out until he did the right thing & was honest with his then long time GF of over 10 years. They split years ago now & he hasn't done it again since

If the friend can choose to have an affair and hurt her husband and children, then the OP can choose to end the friendship, even if that will hurt her friend.

@blablablablablablablabla

Well, you're not really a good friend if you're not willing to support your friend through this, sorry.

People make mistakes in life. Get off your judgemental high horse. Your friend knows how much she's messed up. She doesn't need your judgement.

She's better off without you to be fair. Just keep doing what you're doing, but you'll lose a friend. It doesn't sound like you care if that happens because of how disgusting you think she is anyway. So it's a win win for you both.

I can't remember if I saw it on here or Reddit today, but someone commented on a similar story (not word for word, but the gist):

If they're willing to betray the person they love the most, built a life with, etc, what would they be willing to do to you?

I've ended a friendship because this person was cheating on their spouse. It showed me how comfortable with lying, crossing boundaries and hurting people they were, and those aren't attributes I want in a friend.

Of course, there are lots of grey areas - abusive marriages, marriages that have long since broken down and BOTH parties are aware it's over, fear of divorce for cultural reasons... but assuming none of those things are true and someone is just lying to the person they're supposed to care most about, that's not someone I'd want to be friends with. And I certainly wouldn't be listening to them whine about it.

If someone hurts people I care about, I don't care for their company. Their actions would change how I felt towards them. I would be polite, but I am not supporting things I disapprove of. I am not going to tar and feather anyone, but they sure won't be my friend any longer.

I can see where you are coming from, I'd probably judge. Having said that, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Some of my friends vote for politicians I abhor. Some eat the meat of gentle sentient animals, some are thieves, most are probably liars. I've been all the above. What use is a skin deep friendship where no-one falls and no-one catches? Perhaps you were just acquaintances after all.

I wouldnt bother with her but I'd tell her why. She's not made a mistake here, she's been utterly selfish and is going to ruin her kids lives, all for sex. What a great idea that was. She should have left her husband if she wasn't happy, what she's done is cowardly.

The reasons for affairs are not always clear perspectives, sometimes it's a mix of reasons and a complicated situation, for example my ex, partner is suspected in an affair, but as for the motives, they are unproven at the moment.