Don't want to be in contact with friend who is having ex marital affair but being made to feel guilty

[MrsPatrickDempsey]

V close friend has admitted to an affair of 6 months (married for a considerable period of time with children).

Friend is currently splitting time between living with their own family and other man. Friend is in turmoil; is distraught with guilt regarding the impact of her actions. Wants to be with other man but is committed to children (older teens).
Friend told me all of the details as affair became uncovered. I just listened with no judgement but have not been in contact since as I am angry about her actions because of the hurt she has brought on her family.
A mutual friend who also knows about the circumstances suggested to me that I should contact affair friend and support her, implying loosely that I am mean for not doing so and adding to affair friend’s distress as she is upset that I haven’t been in touch since her disclosure. I feel guilty but Aibu in not wanting to be in touch? A) it’s not really any of my business B) I can’t be supportive/empathic/sympathetic of her actions
C) don’t know what to say and don’t want to listen to the details again or about problems she has created.
If she contacted me I wouldn’t ignore her and would respond accordingly but I want to keep out of it. It is the only thing consuming her at the moment and there would be nothing else to talk about.
Would appreciate some clarity.

You don’t sound much of a friend. It is better if you cut contact and tell her why if it’s causing you this much angst.

OP you feel how I would feel I think.
At least I would feel that my friend has morphed into someone who is disloyal and dishonest and only cares for themselves. I wouldn't ever feel the same about them again as who knows where their next deceit will come from or directed towards.
All trust gone I'm sorry to say.

@nevermore

Some of my friends vote for politicians I abhor. Some eat the meat of gentle sentient animals, some are thieves, most are probably liars. I've been all the above. What use is a skin deep friendship where no-one falls and no-one catches? Perhaps you were just acquaintances after all.

None of your examples involve setting out to intentionally hurt people who trust and love you, every day, for months.

And then whining about how much it is hurting you, and how much you yourself need support. Surely the solution is obvious. Is shagging someone else causing you some upset? Well stop doing it then.

A friend would help you move house.
A good friend would help you move a body.

People make mistakes in life.

Having an affair while you are married - or with someone who is married - is not a "mistake". I would judge a friend harshly if they did this and they wouldn't be getting any support from me.

I discovered who my fair weather friends were, when I left my ExH.

That's sad, but it is a completely different situation. I wouldn't judge someone who left their partner, having an affair while still married is a completely different thing.

The ‘move a body’ thing is bollocks!

If you're the creator of your own chaos, I don't believe I should exert my energy in supporting you when those chickens come home to roost. If you have an affair, you're aware of how that could end so... I don't think you're wrong to distance yourself OP. I'd do the same, I couldn't not see friend as a liar or duplicitous after this.

Some of my friends vote for politicians I abhor. Some eat the meat of gentle sentient animals, some are thieves, most are probably liars. I've been all the above. What use is a skin deep friendship where no-one falls and no-one catches? Perhaps you were just acquaintances after all.

Perhaps you need to raise your standards of what friendship is @nevermore. All this 'no one falls and no one catches' surely doesn't apply to every single thing? Deliberate actions which you know will hurt people, including their own children, is not something I desire in a friend. Don't you have your own strong values and beliefs? I could never condone or facilitate someone in deliberately causing misery for someone else, particularly their own children. Mistakes, of course, but let's not keep pretending this is a mistake.

@HumpreyDowny

You sound very judgmental. Do you know much about your friends emotions that led to the affair? There are two people in a relationship and only they are living that relationship. You cannot judge what's going on and unless any of them opens up to you, you shouldn't. Your role as a friend is to support emotionally. Are you really actually friends or just superficial acquaintances?

This is something I can't agree with.

My DM was unhappy in her first marriage so she left. No affairs necessary.

Not ‘judgmental’ to have a strong view about something specific.

I think Yabu. If your worried about her and a genuine friend be there to support her but be honest and tell her you don't want the details of the affair. Don't drop her when she needs you. Life is messy at times and no one is perfect.

I think there are two different thing.:

• you don't have to condone the fact that she is having an affair. It is perfectly normal to think that what she has done is not acceptable. It is not being 'judgemental'. it is simply stating what your values are

• you might still be able to stay in touch with her. You can make it clear that you don't like the choice that she has made, that you think she will eventually get hurt and that you won't join in any 'bitching' about this man's family. But that you want to continue to be her friend and support her as long as she understand that does not involve agreeing with the affair.

The best outcome is that she will realise that she has made a mistake sooner than later and will appreciate you standing by her and being straightforward about your misgivings.

If she is only looking for 'yes' people who will tell her that what she is doing is OK then she is the one who is causing this friendship to end, not you...

Well I don't have many friends but the ones I have are genuinely lifers. I have known them for over 30 years and we have weathered many storms, divorces, break ups, children and yea affairs. I can genuinely tell you I would be there for them in this situation or any other.

That doesn't mean I wouldn't call them out and tell them my opinion of what they are doing. Nor would I be an alibi for lies about their whereabouts. But I absolutely would be there for my friend whom I love, regardless of their shitty actions.

But then my friendships, the few I choose to keep and cultivate are incredibly important to me. It is not up to me to judge what they do or how they live their life. My role as close friend is to listen to their shit, be supportive yet honest and be supported when I need it. What is your opinion of friendship? Sunny days only?

@snowdropsandcrocuses that's great, for you. It doesn't mean that the OP should go against her own personal values if she feels she can't support this.

My two closest friends are 40 year friendships, my others generally 15 years plus so my friendships are important to me too, but I believe there should be a mutual respect there; I would never deliberately put a friend in a difficult or awkward position as the OPs friend has done here.

I did lose someone who I had considered a good friend once, as I mentioned up thread, but I could not forgive what they had done, deliberately, so I'm ok with that.

"My role as close friend is to listen to their shit, be supportive yet honest and be supported when I need it. What is your opinion of friendship? Sunny days only?"

I would be thinking - if my friend can lie to her dh and dc, every day, about her whereabouts and so on, and cheat on someone she is supposed to love, and put herself first so spectacularly, she would not hesitate to treat me similarly if it benefited her to do so.

Furthermore, friend has now embroiled op in this and put her in a difficult situation - how does she chat to friend's husband and kids, knowing what she knows, and what will they think of her when it comes out?

It is possible to support friends through all manner of tough situations - bereavement, illness, divorce - but draw a line at prolonged, intentional hurting of people you should prioritise and love, people who trust you.

Why judge op more harshly for dropping a friend, than the friend who is fucking someone other than her husband and then crying about it?

@Riapia

A friend would help you move house. A good friend would help you move a body.

This might make a pithy little slogan for a birthday card but it’s absolute bullshit

And it’s actually quite fucking offensive to the actual families of murder victims who struggled to get justice for their loved ones, because some scumbag murder managed to rope in friends and family to help cover up their crimes

A friend would help you move house.
A good friend would help you move a body.

What fucking bullshit.

Well you certainly find out who your real friends are when you really need them.

OP "listening without judgement" means....not judging. You're absolutely judging her - and she's crossed what is a personal red line for you. Which is fine. But you're making this about you. You need to decide whether you still want to be a friend to her. As PPs have said...life is complicated and messy and not everyone/everything is going to fit into a nice neat box of what we want/think should happen.

'Well you certainly find out who your real friends are when you really need them.'

Why does OP's really need her right now? She's not in extremis. She's fucking someone behind her husband's back. What does she really need?

But you're making this about you. You need to decide whether you still want to be a friend to her.

@CouldThisReallyBe It IS about her. It's about what SHE finds acceptable, and that's perfectly fine. What exactly do you believe that her friend needs right now while she's shagging someone behind her husband's back? What support do you believe she 'really' needs?

@twominutesmore

"My role as close friend is to listen to their shit, be supportive yet honest and be supported when I need it. What is your opinion of friendship? Sunny days only?"

I would be thinking - if my friend can lie to her dh and dc, every day, about her whereabouts and so on, and cheat on someone she is supposed to love, and put herself first so spectacularly, she would not hesitate to treat me similarly if it benefited her to do so.

Furthermore, friend has now embroiled op in this and put her in a difficult situation - how does she chat to friend's husband and kids, knowing what she knows, and what will they think of her when it comes out?

It is possible to support friends through all manner of tough situations - bereavement, illness, divorce - but draw a line at prolonged, intentional hurting of people you should prioritise and love, people who trust you.

Why judge op more harshly for dropping a friend, than the friend who is fucking someone other than her husband and then crying about it?

This.

A married friend provided emotional support to her single friend who was having an affair with a married man. The single friend later made a pass at the married friend’s husband. I don’t know why the married friend was surprised, as the single friend had already shown her true colours.

@twominutesmore

"My role as close friend is to listen to their shit, be supportive yet honest and be supported when I need it. What is your opinion of friendship? Sunny days only?"

I would be thinking - if my friend can lie to her dh and dc, every day, about her whereabouts and so on, and cheat on someone she is supposed to love, and put herself first so spectacularly, she would not hesitate to treat me similarly if it benefited her to do so.

Furthermore, friend has now embroiled op in this and put her in a difficult situation - how does she chat to friend's husband and kids, knowing what she knows, and what will they think of her when it comes out?

It is possible to support friends through all manner of tough situations - bereavement, illness, divorce - but draw a line at prolonged, intentional hurting of people you should prioritise and love, people who trust you.

Why judge op more harshly for dropping a friend, than the friend who is fucking someone other than her husband and then crying about it?

But at no point does the friend say she is asking op to lie or cheat. She is only asking for a supportive friend. We do not know any of the friend's circumstances as to why she had an affair or why she has done what she has done.

I can be a supportive friend without agreeing with their actions. That's what friendships mean. We don't get to be judge jury and executioner or at least that's not what I would expect from my closest friends. My Friendships have latest longer than any relationships.

"But at no point does the friend say she is asking op to lie or cheat. She is only asking for a supportive friend."

What support does she need? If shagging someone else is upsetting her, she can stop cant she?

She has also told several friends, so presumably is getting the required drama - or support - from elsewhere.

And as she confided in op, and op knows the full story while we do not, I think we can trust op's judgement on how deserving of support her friend is.

And she is asking op to lie by omission, every time she sees her friend's husband and children. She is asking op to tacitly take her side by keeping the secret. She doesn't care how her husband and children will react when they find out op, and other friends, knew all about it and did nothing.

'What support does she need? If shagging someone else is upsetting her, she can stop cant she?'

Don't bother. I've asked that question two or three times, and none of the 'Not much of a friend, are you?' brigade can answer. For glaringly obvious reasons.