Don't want to be in contact with friend who is having ex marital affair but being made to feel guilty

[MrsPatrickDempsey]

V close friend has admitted to an affair of 6 months (married for a considerable period of time with children).

Friend is currently splitting time between living with their own family and other man. Friend is in turmoil; is distraught with guilt regarding the impact of her actions. Wants to be with other man but is committed to children (older teens).
Friend told me all of the details as affair became uncovered. I just listened with no judgement but have not been in contact since as I am angry about her actions because of the hurt she has brought on her family.
A mutual friend who also knows about the circumstances suggested to me that I should contact affair friend and support her, implying loosely that I am mean for not doing so and adding to affair friend’s distress as she is upset that I haven’t been in touch since her disclosure. I feel guilty but Aibu in not wanting to be in touch? A) it’s not really any of my business B) I can’t be supportive/empathic/sympathetic of her actions
C) don’t know what to say and don’t want to listen to the details again or about problems she has created.
If she contacted me I wouldn’t ignore her and would respond accordingly but I want to keep out of it. It is the only thing consuming her at the moment and there would be nothing else to talk about.
Would appreciate some clarity.

"Life can get messy and complicated and judgemental people make it worse."

I don't know why 'judgmental' is thrown around like a dirty word. IMO there's nothing wrong with judging someone for making selfish choices that hurt a lot of people, repeatedly, every day, and then whining about how much they themselves are suffering.

I don't blame you for keeping out of it op. That way you will be able to look her dh and dc in the eye when it inevitably implodes.

Just as we don't have to forgive our partners, parents, siblings every bad behaviour, not do we have to forgive our friends. It's fine to find this behaviour repugnant, narcissistic, deal breaking.

Gosh you’re very judgy OP. A lot of people have affairs. Sounds like you’re not a very supportive friend so she’s definitely better off without you. You have no real idea if the impact on her husband, very easy to point the finger. I suspect your friend has been very unhappy for a long time. People in happy marriages don’t have affairs.

Yabu.You are not being a friend,you are judging her,finding her guilty and condemning her.
She's probably better off without you there as she needs a true friend to support her without the silent,passive aggressive behaviour.

@twominutesmore

"Life can get messy and complicated and judgemental people make it worse."

I don't know why 'judgmental' is thrown around like a dirty word. IMO there's nothing wrong with judging someone for making selfish choices that hurt a lot of people, repeatedly, every day, and then whining about how much they themselves are suffering.

I don't blame you for keeping out of it op. That way you will be able to look her dh and dc in the eye when it inevitably implodes.

Just as we don't have to forgive our partners, parents, siblings every bad behaviour, not do we have to forgive our friends. It's fine to find this behaviour repugnant, narcissistic, deal breaking.

I judge my friends on what they do in relation to me. Not how they deal with their private lives.

That's not what friendship is about, for me.

I would and have supported a friend through something like this and I would do it again. No judgements.

I would have a no nonsense talk with a good friend about what they are going to do now. I don't think sympathetic "support" is going to be helpful to them, as it may encourage them to continue with the ridiculous situation of being emotionally "in turmoil" but continuing to divide their time between their family home and the other man.

What I'd say is, you've created a situation which is bad for you, your kids, your DH. Rather than wallowing in your upset, you need to make decisions about what to do next. Letting this situation continue is harming everybody, and it won't improve on its own.

If you want to try and stay with your family, you must cut contact with the other man, and start proving to your DH that you are committed to restoring the marriage. If you want to end your marriage, you need to have a mature conversation with your DH about doing this, and how to minimise harm to your teens. Don't assume the affair relationship will necessarily last - make a decision about your marriage in itself, not choosing between the two men.

You can't continue with the current situation, you need to make decisions. And you need to think about how to reduce the harm to your kids of whatever choices you make.

I'd not cut a good friend off completely.
People do get themselves into stupid situations. I'd hope if I made bad decisions that a good friend would talk to me in a caring but challenging way, to get me to sort myself out. But I'd not want to be full of "oh poor you" sympathy, I don't think that would help your friend in the long run.

Life is complex, unpredictable and messy. You never know what's going on in other people's relationships, not really. As per the OP people in the relationship don't know what's going on half the time. It's nice to believe that people shouldn't behave like this but it is naive to think they don't, and that you will never know some of the reasoning behind it, especially if you don't want to find out. Judemental people make these situations worse, so if you can't be there for her I'd bow out honestly. If I were you I'd also be wanting to understand my own stance on this, blanket judgements are often based on insecurity and fear.

It comes down to each persons values and standards. Personally I don’t value the type of person who has an affair (like a pp I had my childhood torn about because of one) so therefore I do judge and have cut off people who have made that choice…. and yes it is a choice.

As the saying goes you make your bed you lie in it and if that means you lose friends who don’t want to be part of your circus then so be it. Consequence of having an affair I guess

So OP I don’t blame you for wanting to cut this person and their drama out of your life. Your own life is far too short to be dealing with friends like this

I judge my friends on what they do in relation to me. Not how they deal with their private lives.

I bet it's both to a point, you just haven't had a friend do something you find truly abhorrent yet. I personally don't find affairs to be the worst thing anyone can do by a long way, so a good friend doing it for understandable reasons, yes I'd support them too. But op feels how she feels and I bet there are other circumstances. You can't make a blanket rule either way. Your blanket rule "I would support them" is as silly as the reverse.

IMO there's nothing wrong with judging someone for making selfish choices that hurt a lot of people, repeatedly, every day, and then whining about how much they themselves are suffering.

Except that most people make at some point choices that are selfish/stupid and then are struggling with it.
You could argue that a woman who is staying with an abusive man is doing exactely that, hurting her dcs etc…
Same with smoking, being overweight/obese, unhealthy relationships. The list is endless really.

That’s a hell of a lot of people that should be refused support form their friends tbh….

People aren't perfect, they make bad decisions/mistakes. She's your friend, you shouldn't judge her. Just continue being her friend.

People in happy marriages don’t have affairs.

I disagree. FIL adored MIL from the minute he saw her. Still does.

His short affair was during a major life change and health scare.

My best friend would bury a body for me - having made our friendship a great thing it comes with trust. She would either trust that I needed this or believe I was struggling so would be around either way. I would call her or accept the friendship is over. Your friend is obviously fraught even if you see it as self inflicted.

@Slobberstops

My best friend would bury a body for me - having made our friendship a great thing it comes with trust. She would either trust that I needed this or believe I was struggling so would be around either way. I would call her or accept the friendship is over. Your friend is obviously fraught even if you see it as self inflicted.

Not quite Bury a body, but I have friends I'd support through most things. If this was thay sort of friendship, I don't think op would be struggling. It would be an easy decision. So don't tell her to call her. She isn't you and her friend isn't your friendship, with respect

bury*
that*
friend*

Some excellent blaming of the OP. Marriage falling apart is of course upsetting. But the friend turns out to be the sort of person to cheat and has been withhold ing this information anyway. So they're not open, they're not honest etc. I'm not sure why the op is getting so much for being a "bad" friend when it's the cheat who hasn't shared until they HAD to and now expects to dump a load of emotional baggage AND get support AND use other friends to apply guilt to the situation. It's a cheat who is now manipulating how people have to act about the situation. Very much the behaviour of cheaters that they consider themselves to be some sad victims total narcissist behaviour. So .... Not really a friend worth having op

@blablablablablablablabla

Well, you're not really a good friend if you're not willing to support your friend through this, sorry.

People make mistakes in life. Get off your judgemental high horse. Your friend knows how much she's messed up. She doesn't need your judgement.

She's better off without you to be fair. Just keep doing what you're doing, but you'll lose a friend. It doesn't sound like you care if that happens because of how disgusting you think she is anyway. So it's a win win for you both.

Wish you were my bank manager when I accidently got myself into debt, and then accidently went on a spending spree and maxed out my credit cards - ooh then accidently didnt pay my mortgage for 6 months...... none of the above is true

Wasnt me guv!! Blame everyone else for my mistakes and how very dare we be judged for crappy decisions that we are STILL making

@MrsPatrickDempsey I wouldnt ignore her, but would tell her how I feel

@3scape

Some excellent blaming of the OP. Marriage falling apart is of course upsetting. But the friend turns out to be the sort of person to cheat and has been withhold ing this information anyway. So they're not open, they're not honest etc. I'm not sure why the op is getting so much for being a "bad" friend when it's the cheat who hasn't shared until they HAD to and now expects to dump a load of emotional baggage AND get support AND use other friends to apply guilt to the situation. It's a cheat who is now manipulating how people have to act about the situation. Very much the behaviour of cheaters that they consider themselves to be some sad victims total narcissist behaviour. So .... Not really a friend worth having op

The cheat isn't posting here.

Are you saying she'd get a sympathetic hearing if she did?

"I judge my friends on what they do in relation to me. Not how they deal with their private lives."

I judge people for intentionally and repeatedly hurting other people.

I wouldn't want a friend who hits her kids, for example.

Presumably, as the friend confided fully in op, op has a good handle on the situation. Lots of people are saying that you don't know what's going on behind closed doors, she must have been very unhappy and so on. I think friend would have told op, when confiding, if there were mitigating circumstances.

[quote WhatAHexIGotInto]@blablablablablablablabla a mistake is when you accidentally buy the wrong brand washing powder. You don't accidentally shag another man and carry on an affair. She's made a conscious decision so let's not pretend it's all a romantic mistake.

People can't help how they feel about someone else, but they absolutely can help their own actions in response to that.[/quote]
Exactly this.

People can't then expect others to carry them, through the rough times after they have created the situation either.
I suppose the difference would be if they acknowledge the damage they have caused and asked for help in trying to rectify the damage caused by the affair then I would consider helping as would then have more respect for them owning the mess they've made and their desire to face up to it and put things right. I'd be more likely to give a second chance.
Unless this is the case then I wont entertain it at all.

I would love to live in the black and white world that so many PPs do. It must be so simple.

OP, you say that she's a v close friend. But you didn't know about the affair until everyone else did. Are you really that close? I'm also interested in your relationship with her more generally. You don't want to be friends now, so was your friendship based on the fact she was similarly married, kids etc. rather than as a real person? You obviously weren't aware of some aspects of her life so how clued up were you on her marriage? Could well have been a unanimous LTB if we'd heard from her perspective.

I guess the key issue for me would be whether she (as a person, context aside) is someone you want to continue a friendship with, or whether it's disposable. I mean, having an affair isn't award-winning behaviour but neither is it genocide.

Your A, B and C suggest that you don't really want to continue the friendship. As you're taking the moral high ground on this, the fairest thing for you to do is to tell her.

With a very close friend I would be supportive but would be honest I couldn't lie for her. Humans are messy creatures and relationships and feelings are messy too.

I have ended a friendship however with someone who I know doesn't declare all her income and thus avoids paying tax. She's a thief and stealing from the rest of us. In my mind it makes her a liar and I can't stand being around her.

Don't support her if you'd don't want to, but don't say that you're her friend.

Also to say you listened non-judgementally, then immediately cut her off seems a bit of a contradiction.

If you don't feel comfortable supporting her that's fine, but don't expect to remain friends afterwards. If the lost of a friendship isn't an issue then that's fine.

You can support your friend with compassion whatever you decide. You could decide to continue the friendship but have an honest conversation about the kind of support you are able to give at this time and be clear on your boundaries. E.g. "I don't feel comfortable hearing the details of your affair, but I'm happy to give you a hug when you're tearful." Or, "I don't want to hear the details of your affair, but I can see you are suffering and I'd like to help you find a supportive counsellor." Or, "I don't mind discussing with you the impact on your family and your plans to resolve the situation. But if the conversation strays into your feelings of limerence and self-pity, I will need to step away."

If all you are feeling towards your friend is judgement and disapproval, I think it's fine to say, "I don't feel we can be friends while this situation is going on. I do care about you, but hearing about your situation distresses me and makes me feel negatively towards you. I can't support you through this, so it's best that we are not in touch."

It doesn't make you a bad person if you can't support your friend, but be as honest and compassionate as you can, whatever you decide.

I would love to live in the black and white world that so many PPs do. It must be so simple.

@brogueish some people just have a very clear benchmark of behaviour on what they find acceptable. 🤷

An affair isn't 'a mistake' - it's a continuing act. She's making that mistake every day. That's fine, but it's on her (and him) and precisely no-one else. And, like a PP, I'm confused as to precisely what kind of 'support' a person shagging around on her husband with a similarly attached man, needs? Whatever it is, she can look to her AP for it. I think what you've done is fine, OP. You're not ending your friendship- you just don't want to hear about it be party to, this aspect of her life. Good for you.

For reference, I also think 'I only judge my friends in relation to what they do to me' is a very fucking sad brag.