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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Standing by your spouse when SC are involved

219 replies

Sweetchillidiphigh · 01/01/2022 20:33

I know mumsnet is generally anti step parent and pro step child. No matter what. Now everything I’ve seen with regards marital advice with blended families is that your spouse must be number 1. Now I can understand how that may be extremely hard when your DC are still children but when they reach adulthood, should SC expect to be prioritised over their step parent? And should a parent stand by their spouse or child?
YABU = Spouse comes first
YANBU = Adult child comes first

OP posts:
Original poster
Sweetchillidiphigh · 01/01/2022 20:39

Also for a bit of context, my adult (30s) step daughter thinks her father should prioritise her despite her being absolutely awful to me. He is really not happy with her behaviour and she’s furious with him for “taking my side”

OP posts:
FingChristmasFamily · 01/01/2022 20:42

I think it really depends on the exact situation really.

I’m not really on board with the general step parents are the devil incarnate feeling, but you can’t say what right and wrong if you don’t know the facts.

Theunamedcat · 01/01/2022 20:42

Bad behaviour from a child is never tolerated no matter the age of the child

londonrach · 01/01/2022 20:48

Child will always come first no matter but bad behaviour should be dealt with

Original poster
Sweetchillidiphigh · 01/01/2022 20:48

I’m surprised how many have voted for Adult step child here. When they’re the one being out of order.

OP posts:
BurntToastAgain · 01/01/2022 20:49

@Theunamedcat

Bad behaviour from a child is never tolerated no matter the age of the child
If they’re your stepchild, then you are not only supposed to tolerate it. You’re supposed to delight in it. Otherwise you’re an evil cow who should not be in a relationship with the child’s father.

Apparently (according to this poll) even if the stepchild is 30. They must still come first?

I don’t think I should have been my parents’ priority at 30. They had their own lives to lead and that shouldn’t revolve around me. (I’m a stepchild on both sides).

BurntToastAgain · 01/01/2022 20:50

@londonrach

Child will always come first no matter but bad behaviour should be dealt with
At 30?!?
SunshineOnKeith · 01/01/2022 20:50

@londonrach

Child will always come first no matter but bad behaviour should be dealt with
The child is 30 Confused
Original poster
Sweetchillidiphigh · 01/01/2022 20:51

So is someone to wreck their marriage over their badly behaved offspring? And funny how when it’s MIL or other relatives the advice is go NC with them and encourage your DP (their child/relative) to do the same

OP posts:
Emerald5hamrock · 01/01/2022 20:53

He should stand up for the person wronged, in this case you, that goes for any age.

Stompythedinosaur · 01/01/2022 20:53

I can't imagine a situation where a child wouldn't come first in your heart, whether or not you are in a relationship with their parent.

Asking a parent to prioritise you over their dc is unreasonable. My dc aren't adults yet, but I strongly doubt I am going to start prioritising anything else in the world above them when they do.

LublinToDublin · 01/01/2022 20:54

It's not a generic question with a single answer.

1921census · 01/01/2022 20:55

There’s no black and white answer, it’s often multi layered, built up over the years.

For instance, this is what happened to me and how my feelings are based on the behaviour of other adults in my life as I was growing up.

My birth mother had mental health issues but my father did not help to shield me from those as I was growing up so I was often the focus for my mothers temper, smacking etc despite me being a generally good kid - I grew up desperate for her approval. My father allowed her to treat me badly as it took the heat off him and he was afraid of her. He would always say to me all he wanted was as easy life. Well I was at the expense of that.

As an adult my mother died and my father immediately remarried to another woman just like her - as an adult myself now I decided that I wasn’t prepared to put up with another woman like this so didn’t have much to do with her and made my feelings clear to my father.

This enraged him as he saw it as a sign of disrespect to her (and to him) so he ‘sided’ with her. I stood my ground and so he cut me off - no contact for 6 years now.

This suited her and also him, no hassle from her over me - she ‘won’.

So you see, it’s not always as easy as taking sides - there often a backstory and that often involves the ‘child’ being repeatedly let down by the father over the years and the feelings that produces. It comes over as ‘being spoiled’ or being a ‘bitch’ or ‘jealous’ (I’ve been called all these) but it’s not, it’s backlash to the awful, sad, gut wrenching feeling that again you’ve been let down and made to feel worthless.

Those childhood feelings re-emerge and it literally brings it all back.

It’s often not what it seems

Stompythedinosaur · 01/01/2022 20:55

@Sweetchillidiphigh

So is someone to wreck their marriage over their badly behaved offspring? And funny how when it’s MIL or other relatives the advice is go NC with them and encourage your DP (their child/relative) to do the same
The relationship (and responsibility) of a parent to a child is totally different that a child to a parent.
BurntToastAgain · 01/01/2022 20:56

Do you think some people just lack the comprehension skills to see beyond ‘child’ and realise that it refers to a woman of 30?

ItsQwismas · 01/01/2022 20:57

If she is being a cow to you then of course he should stand by you, just as I'd expect him to stand by her if you were being a cow to her.

Theunamedcat · 01/01/2022 20:57

I would never go NC with my child however I would never allow them to be a little (or big) shit either bad behaviour will come from some form of provoking and will be discussed and yes ive split from people before because 2/3 of my children didn't get on with him after awhile and they were polite well behaved but that was about it not "overtly" friendly (not unfriendly either just....polite) he began making narks and remarks seeing "issues" and "disrespect" I decided it wasn't worth it 🤷‍♀️

AhNowTed · 01/01/2022 20:57

Needs more context, but the fact you are asking them to choose sides would raise alarm bells for me.

1921census · 01/01/2022 20:57

I can almost guarantee that your husband has let the daughter down in the past - it’ll be a re-emergence of those feelings.

Most well adjusted adults understand that they won’t always ‘come first’. When your a child it’s difficult to understand and the feelings that come take you back to being a child all over again

FirewomanSam · 01/01/2022 20:57

I’m surprised how many have voted for Adult step child here. When they’re the one being out of order.

Your OP didn’t mention anyone being out of order or being in the wrong. You just asked who the parent should stand by.

As with all things, it depends on the exact situation and why they are being forced to choose in the first place, but all things being equal I’d definitely expect a parent to choose their child over a partner, no matter what the child’s age.

funinthesun19 · 01/01/2022 20:59

I see a lot of my dad and we’re very close. He is a huge support in my life and he adores his grandchildren.

I am an adult, so therefore his first and foremost priority is his wife. He fits me in around his life with my SM rather than fitting my SM around me.

I’m 100% certain that if I was horrible and rude and a bit of a brat, my dad wouldn’t stand for it.

Original poster
Sweetchillidiphigh · 01/01/2022 20:59

@1921census That’s awful and I’m so sorry this happened to you. Fortunately for my SD she had no such childhood and was doted on by all parents including me. She’s just grown into a giant b#### I’m afraid. Her DF is firmly in my corner for no reason other than she has behaved so badly. But thinking about it, I wonder how I’d have felt if he had sided with her regardless of wrongdoing. I think it may have ended my marriage…

OP posts:
LethargicActress · 01/01/2022 21:00

Prioritise in what way? What is the situation where a step parent and a step child have to be at completely opposing points meaning that the person in the middle has to prioritise, or choose, between them?

In any family, different people will have different needs at different times, so they take priority at different times. The circumstances make a huge difference, there isn’t an automatic answer.

GreetingsAndSalutations · 01/01/2022 21:01

It depends entirely on the situation imo. I love my children and always will, no matter what. But I don’t always like what they do and I won’t put up with them being shitty people to anyone. I won’t ever disown them/go NC on the say so if someone else (they’re still actual children so that’s not an option right now even if I wanted to).

If your husband is putting up with his daughter adult or not, being a dick to you then I would say you have a much bigger problem than a horrible stepchild. She might be the catalyst but he’s the biggest problem.

BurntToastAgain · 01/01/2022 21:03

Do you know what, I think some of the responses on this thread might provide some useful answers on the ‘why people struggle with their MIL’ thread.

Children grow up. They make their own lives. It does no one any good to continue centring your world around them as you did when they were 2. And they just aren’t going to need you like they did as children.

Parents getting on with their own lives and prioritising their relationships is a very good thing for all involved