Standing by your spouse when SC are involved

[Sweetchillidiphigh]

I know mumsnet is generally anti step parent and pro step child. No matter what. Now everything I’ve seen with regards marital advice with blended families is that your spouse must be number 1. Now I can understand how that may be extremely hard when your DC are still children but when they reach adulthood, should SC expect to be prioritised over their step parent? And should a parent stand by their spouse or child?
YABU = Spouse comes first
YANBU = Adult child comes first

You replied to tell me you can't be bothered to reply? And I'm the one embarrassing myself? 😀

Tragic. Truly.

@SleepOhHowIMissYou

You replied to tell me you can't be bothered to reply? And I'm the one embarrassing myself? 😀

Tragic. Truly.

More defensive, reactionary statements that make absolutely no sense that you for some reason think everybody must agree with you on.

If you listen closely you'll hear the sound of tumble weed going by...

I love the idea that I’m part of a secret PM group conspiring to gaslight a poster. Can you even do group PMs on MN?

@BurntToastAgain

I love the idea that I’m part of a secret PM group conspiring to gaslight a poster. Can you even do group PMs on MN?

Me too, it's news to me if you can!

I love the idea that three posters seperately disagreeing with a poster and repeating views they just shared and stood by over the course of several comments, constitutes a conspiracy to gaslight.

@SleepOhHowIMissYou so if your child left you severely disabled and killed your spouse, who your other children had no issue with/loved, you wouldn't "abandon" your adult child?

I actually know of situations in rl, including my own family, where adult children have had to be "abandoned" to make them realise that they need to treat their parent(s) and other family members appropriately. In some cases their parents have new partners/spouses, in other cases they don't. The new partner/spouse only serves to highlight the dreadful behaviour of the individual adult child.

Oh and can you tell me how you send group PMs on MN.

[quote RedWingBoots]**@SleepOhHowIMissYou* so if your child left you severely disabled and killed your spouse, who your other children had no issue with/loved, you wouldn't "abandon" your adult* child?

I actually know of situations in rl, including my own family, where adult children have had to be "abandoned" to make them realise that they need to treat their parent(s) and other family members appropriately. In some cases their parents have new partners/spouses, in other cases they don't. The new partner/spouse only serves to highlight the dreadful behaviour of the individual adult child.

Oh and can you tell me how you send group PMs on MN.[/quote]
How do I send Group PMs? No idea. So when you say "me and others who have read the thread" who were you talking about?

Oh, and in terms of gaslighting, we can add paranoia to my growing list of MN Diagnosed conditions. 😀

As many, many posters have said, it's not a black and white choice. It depends on the situation whether a child should be put out in the snow. We don't know the OP's situation, I am guessing no-one's been maimed or murdered though.

Out of interest, are you familiar with the term reductio ad absurdum?

It can't be 100% either.

It depends on the situation.

Oh, and in terms of gaslighting, we can add paranoia to my growing list of MN Diagnosed conditions.

FGS, I said you sounded paranoid because you keep throwing out terms like gaslighting where they do not fit in the slightest. I'm not diagnosing you with anything. The other thing you think people have diagnosed you with is narcissism, and it's odd that you've focused on that so much as if it's a shocking thing to say about someone, when it was YOU who brought it up.

Time to stop feeding the troll now, I think.

It's impossible to say. There's no hard and fast rule and you're being vague about why her behaviour is so 'terrible'. Lots of adult DCs have points where they are rude to their parents. Lots of step-parents treat SDCs horrendously. No-one here knows whether you or your SD are in the wrong.
Your DH has already told her she's out of order and you've said you don't want her in your house. Is it your house or is it you and your DH's house? Because if the house belongs to both of you then I wouldn't be making DH choose. I'd let him have her to visit when you're not there.
As a PP pointed out, you seem determined for there to be a competition between you both for your DH. That's quite an immature attitude.

What it shows @RedWingBoots @aSofaNearYou @BurntToastAgain is that you are unable to cope when someone else has a different viewpoint to you. Perhaps you are triggered by the situation described by OP? Maybe you are all hard done by step mums preyed upon by evil step children, who knows?

You diagnose me as having low comprehension skills because you have explained why my opinion is wrong but yet I am still not agreeing with you. What's wrong with me? You've told me I'm wrong and you are right and yet still I insist on telling you my children come first and spouses are replaceable. Stupid, stupid me! How can I not see your opinions are the correct ones to have? Clearly, I am very, very stupid, yes?

Oh, and regarding your ever increasing ridiculous scenarios as you struggle to prove my opinions are wrong, I empathised with the mother's actions in "We Need To Talk About Kevin" at the end of the film. I don't want to spoil it if you haven't read the book or seen the film (but would recommend it).

@SleepOhHowIMissYou

What it shows *@RedWingBoots* *@aSofaNearYou* *@BurntToastAgain* is that you are unable to cope when someone else has a different viewpoint to you. Perhaps you are triggered by the situation described by OP? Maybe you are all hard done by step mums preyed upon by evil step children, who knows?

You diagnose me as having low comprehension skills because you have explained why my opinion is wrong but yet I am still not agreeing with you. What's wrong with me? You've told me I'm wrong and you are right and yet still I insist on telling you my children come first and spouses are replaceable. Stupid, stupid me! How can I not see your opinions are the correct ones to have? Clearly, I am very, very stupid, yes?

Oh, and regarding your ever increasing ridiculous scenarios as you struggle to prove my opinions are wrong, I empathised with the mother's actions in "We Need To Talk About Kevin" at the end of the film. I don't want to spoil it if you haven't read the book or seen the film (but would recommend it).

Can you stop lumping us in like we are one person? You're really wasting my time here. I haven't said you have low comprehension skills. I haven't failed to accept that you have a different opinion to me, I've just disagreed with it.

What is your problem? You seem really upset by the fact the three of us all criticised your comment at a similar time and don't seem able to let it go.

@SleepOhHowIMissYou my "ridiculous" scenarios as you call them are things that have happened to rl people who live in the UK.

The one I linked to is recent conviction so the circumstances around the case are in the public domain, and I stated:
"Yes it is an extreme case but for some adult children parents simply can't do enough."

Interestedly you have changed your opinion from:
"Ultimately though. Given the choice, me or your child. The non narcissistic choice is the child. Spouses are replaceable. Children are not. He has clearly moved on from one marriage, why wouldn't he do so again."

to:
"As many, many posters have said, it's not a black and white choice. It depends on the situation whether a child should be put out in the snow. We don't know the OP's situation, I am guessing no-one's been maimed or murdered though."

So I guess the debate has worked.

Very much case by case. Generally speaking, blind loyalty to one person no matter what is a bad idea

@SleepOhHowIMissYou

I've dipped in and out of this thread so may have missed parts but I think you're getting a hard time for saying essentially what I think most people believe - kids come first.

I couldn't be with someone who hated my dc either.They aren't perfect and certainly there will be times I disagree with them but I will always stand by them (heinous crimes aside). Its unpalatable to some but spouses are replaceable. Children are not.

[quote Willyoujustbequiet]@SleepOhHowIMissYou

I've dipped in and out of this thread so may have missed parts but I think you're getting a hard time for saying essentially what I think most people believe - kids come first.

I couldn't be with someone who hated my dc either.They aren't perfect and certainly there will be times I disagree with them but I will always stand by them (heinous crimes aside). Its unpalatable to some but spouses are replaceable. Children are not.[/quote]
No, she's getting a hard time for being ridiculously defensive when her opinion was questioned.

Oh op please come back and tell us what she did, if only to stop the bickering.

Can't you lot just shake hands or something?

[quote RedWingBoots]@SleepOhHowIMissYou my "ridiculous" scenarios as you call them are things that have happened to rl people who live in the UK.

The one I linked to is recent conviction so the circumstances around the case are in the public domain, and I stated:
"Yes it is an extreme case but for some adult children parents simply can't do enough."

Interestedly you have changed your opinion from:
"Ultimately though. Given the choice, me or your child. The non narcissistic choice is the child. Spouses are replaceable. Children are not. He has clearly moved on from one marriage, why wouldn't he do so again."

to:
"As many, many posters have said, it's not a black and white choice. It depends on the situation whether a child should be put out in the snow. We don't know the OP's situation, I am guessing no-one's been maimed or murdered though."

So I guess the debate has worked.[/quote]
It hasn't moved on. I have not changed my opinion. I would still choose my children, I would not disown them, even if they did what Kevin did in "We need to talk about Kevin". I emphasise with the mother's position and recognise her actions.

However, I also recognise and accept that some people would. I can accept that people are different and have formed different opinions according to their different life experiences.

That's the part you're missing.

You do know it's okay for people to have different opinions to you don't you?

[quote Willyoujustbequiet]@SleepOhHowIMissYou

I've dipped in and out of this thread so may have missed parts but I think you're getting a hard time for saying essentially what I think most people believe - kids come first.

I couldn't be with someone who hated my dc either.They aren't perfect and certainly there will be times I disagree with them but I will always stand by them (heinous crimes aside). Its unpalatable to some but spouses are replaceable. Children are not.[/quote]
I'm on the App so can't see the poll but I believe we are in the majority opinion. I'm (fairly absolutely bloody) certain that someone will correct me if I'm wrong though. 😀

The posters who are disagreeing with the majority opinion seem to struggle to understand that people are entitled to have an opinion that doesn't match theirs.

That's my take anyway.

Disclaimer: your mileage may vary 😀

*The posters who are disagreeing with the majority opinion seem to struggle to understand that people are entitled to have an opinion that doesn't match theirs.

That's my take anyway.*

Speak for your bloody self, your take is miles off.

You diagnose me as having low comprehension skills because you have explained why my opinion is wrong but yet I am still not agreeing with you. What's wrong with me? You've told me I'm wrong and you are right and yet still I insist on telling you my children come first and spouses are replaceable. Stupid, stupid me! How can I not see your opinions are the correct ones to have? Clearly, I am very, very stupid, yes?

I said that the way that you seem to utterly misunderstand what people are saying indicated poor comprehension. I was careful to explicitly point out that i was not calling you stupid but commenting on the relationship between what people were posting and what you were taking from it.

And again (almost as if to illustrate the point) you do it again. no one has diagnosed you with anything. It’s just that whatever anyone actually posts, you seem to misread it and then come out with some hugely emotive and judgemental response.

The issue isn’t that you have a different opinion and we’re ‘triggered’ by it. It’s that you keep doing this. And you say something absolutely clearly and when people comment on exactly what you have written you start accusing them of personally attacking you and gaslighting you.

It’s not your opinion that’s the big problem here. It’s your style of argument.

You might be the most brilliant mind in the world, but on this thread you do keep totally misrepresenting people’s points while claiming they’re gaslighting you (even where they’ve quoted your own words and commented on that).

@aSofaNearYou said that your comment that three of us are in league and conspiring to gaslight you was paranoid. That’s not a diagnosis of paranoia either. It’s a comment on the particular statement you made. Anyone can do things that suggest an element of paranoia sometimes. It’s only you that seems to think pointing it out is some attempt at a clinical diagnosis or a personal attack.

Unequivocally, claiming that people who are frustrated with your style of engagement (in similar ways) are in some kind of secret PM group to get back at you is paranoia. What else could it be? It might not be clinical paranoia. But it is paranoia.

@aSofaNearYou

*The posters who are disagreeing with the majority opinion seem to struggle to understand that people are entitled to have an opinion that doesn't match theirs.

That's my take anyway.*

Speak for your bloody self, your take is miles off.

Yes! Yes! At last! Finally, you get it.

That's my opinion formed from my interaction with you.

I AM speaking for myself.

You may disagree with it of course. That's your prerogative.

*Yes! Yes! At last! Finally, you get it.

That's my opinion formed from my interaction with you.

I AM speaking for myself.

You may disagree with it of course. That's your prerogative.*

I've said loads of times that you're entitled to your own opinion!

You're literally the only person bringing "you can't handle other people having different opinions to you" into it. Are you smoking something?

You clearly haven't understood my points @BurntToastAgain.

You seem to think that your opinion should sway my own thinking which is based on my own life experiences and observations.

I state spouses are replaceable. Some may state this as fact given the 2 in 5 divorce rate in the UK. Some might not of course.

However, despite our differences of opinion I have not stooped to calling you names or questioning your comprehension skills. The reason for this is that I understand that people are products of their own circumstance and therefore "your mileage may vary".

Seems I can add "troll" to the many things that I have been accused of being for daring to hold a different opinion on this thread.

@aSofaNearYou

*Yes! Yes! At last! Finally, you get it.

That's my opinion formed from my interaction with you.

I AM speaking for myself.

You may disagree with it of course. That's your prerogative.*

I've said loads of times that you're entitled to your own opinion!

You're literally the only person bringing "you can't handle other people having different opinions to you" into it. Are you smoking something?

And now I'm on drugs too.

Oh goody! 😀

@SleepOhHowIMissYou

You clearly haven't understood my points *@BurntToastAgain*.

You seem to think that your opinion should sway my own thinking which is based on my own life experiences and observations.

I state spouses are replaceable. Some may state this as fact given the 2 in 5 divorce rate in the UK. Some might not of course.

However, despite our differences of opinion I have not stooped to calling you names or questioning your comprehension skills. The reason for this is that I understand that people are products of their own circumstance and therefore "your mileage may vary".

Seems I can add "troll" to the many things that I have been accused of being for daring to hold a different opinion on this thread.

Very magnanimous of you. 🙄