Standing by your spouse when SC are involved

[Sweetchillidiphigh]

I know mumsnet is generally anti step parent and pro step child. No matter what. Now everything I’ve seen with regards marital advice with blended families is that your spouse must be number 1. Now I can understand how that may be extremely hard when your DC are still children but when they reach adulthood, should SC expect to be prioritised over their step parent? And should a parent stand by their spouse or child?
YABU = Spouse comes first
YANBU = Adult child comes first

@Sweetchillidiphigh so you've never given her reason to be hostile towards you? She just is for absolutely no reason?

It completely depends on the situation. I’d expect a parent of an adult child to view the situation fairly and side with the wronged party.

I wouldn’t expect them to stop loving and caring for their child though. Even if that upset their spouse.

I always expected my parents to stand by me and prioritise me over each other when I was an adult. They were still together. I would expect the same from a parent who was with another partner.

My father is now sadly dead so my mum only has me to prioritise.

I think it sounds as though he is having to choose, which is an intolerable position. He should be able to maintain a spousal relationship with you, whilst being a father to his daughter.
There will be two sides to this story and the truth will be somewhere in between. You will both have your reasons for feeling wronged and have both taken your positions. Your dh needs to be left out of it.

@smashingbaubles

I always expected my parents to stand by me and prioritise me over each other when I was an adult. They were still together. I would expect the same from a parent who was with another partner.

My father is now sadly dead so my mum only has me to prioritise.

Tbh, once parents become older, I think the adult child should look out for them, rather than vice versa. My Dad's now 83 and I wouldn't dream of asking him to do anything for me, I haven't for many years. It's unfair to expect an elderly person to prioritize your needs over their own, unless there's a reason such as disability. Most healthy adult children in their 30's would surely be independent and want their parent to be happy.

When my Dad married my SM (after being widowed), I was happy for him and glad he'd found someone to share his life with. I would never have asked him to choose between us, as the OP's SD is doing.

I think your DH must be a spineless man. You sound like a harsh, intolerant person with a massive ego, and his daughter sounds troubled and angry. I'd LOVE to hear her side of the story.

I'd still like to know what's given the SD cause to take a dislike to OP, or if her attitude is completely unfounded, but as yet no light has been shed on it.

Impossible to make a blanket judgement. It would need to be on a case-by-case basis.

An example scenario, where a spouse makes an ultimatum "either you cut off contact with your child or this marriage is over" - in that instance, I would expect the parent to choose the child. Pretty much regardless of the age of the child or whatever they may have done.

I will always put dc first. Criminal acts aside, I will prioritise them regardless of my relationship. I would imagine most, if not all, mums would do the same.

As a parent my child will always take priority over a spouse. Yes bad behaviour needs to be dealt with but it’s a seperate issue.

I agree with the poster upthread who said there are often double standards at play. Behaviour that you might tolerate, work on or deal with in your own adult DC can feel different coming from your partner's adult DC. Maybe it's about those complex layers of love and history that we have shared with our own children over decades, maybe it's something else.

It is one of the hardest aspects of a relationship where there are adult offspring involved. I've negotiated mega-bucks business contracts that were easier than negotiating the 'whose adult son is the idlest shit this week?' drama without a massive huffy bust-up happening.

It depends on which one is wrong/being unreasonable. If both are, then you do not side with either. You do not have to take the side of an anyone, if you do not agree with their behaviour.

I suppose it also depends what’s meant by “prioritising” an adult child. The OP hasn’t explained her SD’s behaviour so how can anyone know whether she’s been reasonable or not.

@Sweetchillidiphigh

I’m surprised how many have voted for Adult step child here. When they’re the one being out of order.

Are you my step mother? She constantly has this victim mentality when she is the one ‘bang out of order’. Everyone sees through her but she still talks about how I’ve ruined everything (by being born seemingly as I don’t choose to be in the same dwelling as her and haven’t since turning 12).

Imo most men will tolerate their spouse's bad behaviour if they're getting their ego massaged and regular sex.
If that means siding against their own dc then so be it.
Look how often men don't bother maintaining contact with young dc.
I agree with @1921census. Fortunately for me my df and dsm lived a distance away and even more fortunately dsm died relatively young and df has been single since. His dsc who he prioritised over his own dc and who are named in his will don't do anything for him now he is elderly and needs support.
There's no fool like an old fool.

I just want the OP to say what her SD has actually done.

I wouldn't want my partner to go LC/NC with his adult DC for me if I was in your situation.
That is extreme.
Definitely need more information about the relationship between you and her.

There should be no 'putting one over the other', just making decisions based on what is fair and reasonable.

@katkitty

There should be no 'putting one over the other', just making decisions based on what is fair and reasonable.

This!!! Exactly right.

Why does he need to chose?
It baffles me why people ask AIBU but actually don't want peoples opinions, just want verification and support of their own opinion.

I can't imagine ever wanting to go NC with my child regardless of age. There's other ways to deal with stuff. If my DH was prepared to go LC/NC with his child regardless of behaviour/ age then it would make me question him as a parent and ultimately as a person.

@ANameChangeAgain

I think it sounds as though he is having to choose, which is an intolerable position. He should be able to maintain a spousal relationship with you, whilst being a father to his daughter. There will be two sides to this story and the truth will be somewhere in between. You will both have your reasons for feeling wronged and have both taken your positions. Your dh needs to be left out of it.

I agree with this. I think it would be unusual for one person to be 100% in the wrong.

Sorry, but she has her own life now…. She’s 30! You should be his priority and I’m pleased that he can see it. There’s a huge difference when the children are younger because they need a more tactile response but she’s an adult and should have an awareness of respect and boundaries.

Now everything I’ve seen with regards marital advice with blended families is that your spouse must be number 1

Where have you seen this advice? I'd challenge it.

I think parents in general should prioritise (although not exclusively so) their relationship with their partner, not their child, regardless of whether the child is step to either parent or shared). But only if the child's needs are being well met.

Coming from a home where my father left and then basically neglected his parental responsibilities, especially emotionally, I can see why adult children act up towards their parents sometimes and would do so without regard to a step parent's existence. I don't (I don't think) but my emotions towards my father are complicated. I totally understand why a child who felt abandoned during childhood might test their parent as an adult.

I don't think giving in to it is a good idea, but neither is just ignoring it. Unfortunately, fathers who couldn't be emotionally present and responsible when their kids were little probably don't have the emotional skills to handle the situation well later either.

Because you haven’t given any specific examples or circumstances there really isn’t enough information to know who should be prioritised. I agree with many pp that different circumstances eg health, wedding etc will require prioritising regardless of who it is.

So, I am going to vote for a third option: the partner prioritises themselves as no. 1 and sets boundaries with their partner and adult child that they will not take sides, do not want to be dragged into your issues and expects you both as adults to sort out your own issues with each other with maturity.

And if either of you try to engage me in your arguments, or asks me to take sides I will say no, I do not not want to be involved, change the subject and if that does not work I am going to walk away from you and engage in an activity that I enjoy.

If either of you try to call the other a bitch or any insulting descriptions or name calling I am not going to tolerate that at all and I will not consider it justified no matter what.