Standing by your spouse when SC are involved

[Sweetchillidiphigh]

I know mumsnet is generally anti step parent and pro step child. No matter what. Now everything I’ve seen with regards marital advice with blended families is that your spouse must be number 1. Now I can understand how that may be extremely hard when your DC are still children but when they reach adulthood, should SC expect to be prioritised over their step parent? And should a parent stand by their spouse or child?
YABU = Spouse comes first
YANBU = Adult child comes first

I can understand your feelings - if my fathers new wife had been welcoming and kind of have had no issue with her whatsoever, I’d have been glad to have had a positive female around.

It wasn’t the case though, he seems to go for women who boss him around, just like my mother did. He’s not strong enough to walk away from poor behaviour but it suited him to act the big guy to show his new wife how much he loved her - it was the ultimate act of love to disown his own daughter (and in the process his only grandchildren).

This may not be the case with you and your husband would be right to stand by you if your step daughter is being nasty without cause.

It’s probably more to do with the fact she sees you as a stranger / no connection to you - if you give her any reason to dislike you then that’s no skin off her nose - you don’t mean anything to her.

Examine everything carefully, have you honestly ever given her reason not to like you?

Depends on the context. Why is your SD trying to cause a rift? Do any of her issues with you have any truth to them? From my experience people usually have something to go on before stirring things, even if they're mistaken.

That really does depend on what they were doing

Priory it should be given to the person who needs it at that time.

Sometimes that’s an adult, sometimes it’s the child (adult or younger)

The step element is a bit of a red herring because in non blended families there are times when the mum or dad requires priority in a situation- or other siblings do.

I have a sibling who is an absolute nightmare and has caused my family no end of pain and drama - my DF continues to prioritise him over everyone else, his other children included.

It hasn’t helped him though, he’s still an arsehole and it’s caused me and my other sibling to feel quite resentful at times and definitely damaged our relationships.

This is nothing to do with step parents btw - just demonstrating that continually prioritising and enabling shitty behaviour of ANYONE is unhelpful and problematic.

No one would talk to me or my partner like shit in my own home. Child or no child. I’d have no problem showing both my own DC or DSC the door if they continually disrespected me

Surely it depends on context.

Go to the adult child's wedding even if partner is not invited - yes.

Cut off either on the other's say so - no.
Allow adult child to be abusive to step parent - no, boundaries need to be drawn. A parent shouldn't kick their shouting raging violent 12 year old to the other parents because their partner can't cope. They should be working with the other parent to help the child. They can bar that 18 year old from the house until they behave better. But they should still maintain a relationship with the 18 year old separate from their partner and balance both. As the 18 year old gets further away from 18, the partner should be prioritised more, but sometimes the adult step child should take priority - a wedding/serious illness of that adult child etc.
Its always a balance whether the child is 1y or 10y or 40y. The tipping point changes depending on age of the child and context. There are times a step parent takes priority over the 1y (though very rare). There are times the 40 year old takes priority over the step parent (also very rare).

@1921census
Your post totally changed my perspective.
I thought my view on this was well-considered but clearly I’d failed to look at it from differing positions. Thank you for sharing what sounds like a very painful part of your life.

Prioritise in what way? What is the situation where a step parent and a step child have to be at completely opposing points meaning that the person in the middle has to prioritise, or choose, between them?

There are plenty of examples where a parent’s relationship takes priority as their life moves on from bringing up children.
So just say they wanted to go on holiday and the only time they could go is the week the adult child’s birthday falls on because of work, should they forfeit the holiday to be home on adult child’s birthday?

In any family, different people will have different needs at different times, so they take priority at different times. The circumstances make a huge difference, there isn’t an automatic answer.

I do agree with this. I’m not saying it always has to be one person who always comes first. But the dynamic of being a parent to adult children is very very different to the dynamic of being a parent to small children and surely that changes how you choose to spend your time.

Examine everything carefully, have you honestly ever given her reason not to like you?

Two questions there

• is it really possible for someone to NEVER give a reason for someone else to not like them?

I mean you can not like someone because they have different tastes than you, vote for the ‘other’ party, prepared the ‘wrong meal’ or forgot a b’day…. All examples from MN btw.

• as an adult, are you not expected to sometimes suck it up? Realise that your father had their life and should be able to chose who they live with and how without you (their child) interfering because it suits you (regardless of whether it suits your DF or his partner)

@1921census

I can understand your feelings - if my fathers new wife had been welcoming and kind of have had no issue with her whatsoever, I’d have been glad to have had a positive female around.

It wasn’t the case though, he seems to go for women who boss him around, just like my mother did. He’s not strong enough to walk away from poor behaviour but it suited him to act the big guy to show his new wife how much he loved her - it was the ultimate act of love to disown his own daughter (and in the process his only grandchildren).

This may not be the case with you and your husband would be right to stand by you if your step daughter is being nasty without cause.

It’s probably more to do with the fact she sees you as a stranger / no connection to you - if you give her any reason to dislike you then that’s no skin off her nose - you don’t mean anything to her.

Examine everything carefully, have you honestly ever given her reason not to like you?

Your issue though should have been with your father, not his partner. They weren’t the reason why he was spineless…..

Interesting though that you mention that the daughter might be the one who is nasty just to immediately find an excuse for her behaviour - thats because she has no link to her step mother.
As if it was OK to be nasty i towards someone you don’t have a strong link to…

Thank you for your understanding.

To the outsider it looks like I was being stubborn and spoiled (and this is the narrative that my father gives) but it comes from self preservation - My own mother broke my heart repeatedly over the years and I put up with it as she was my mother.

I was damned sure I wasn’t allowing a total stranger to do the same, regardless of the fact she was married to my father.

Deep down I was still angry at him for not protecting me or putting me first whenever my mother shouted at me for nothing, smacked me, complained about a gift id saved hard for, a cake I baked her (I could go on and on). My mother kicked me out at 17 and my father sat on the sofa and allowed it. Throughout my life I had come second.

By the time he remarried I was a married mother of two - no longer the little child but when his new wife made it clear I wasn’t welcome and again he stood beside her whilst she was horrible to me that sick, sad feeling in my stomach was back and I was a child again.

But this time I wasn’t accepting it - not from a stranger.

His loss, although I hear he’s built a whole new life and treats her grandchildren like his own. So yes, she won but at least I still have my self respect.

Yeah, it’s not always black and white

Oh I fully accept that my father is the weak one here - his new wife is a bitch but hey ho she’s not my problem.

This was a case when my father should have stepped up. But he didn’t and it might just be that the daughter feels he’s not stepped up in the past.

I think the problem with SM/SD relationships is that the SM so often appears to be less tolerant of behaviour than she would be if it was her own child - in mn and in rl.

If SD has behaved badly, respond as you would if it was your own child and you won't go far wrong. In general terms, I'd want to know what prompted the behaviour, whether I had anything to apologise for, remember that they're still loved and this is a temporary disagreement.

Hard for us to comment without knowing the details.

Step Children will allways be a partners number one priority no matter what age, you will allways be second best no matter what, it will never change and why should it, most know what they are getting into when dating somebody who allready has children from a previous relationship, you will just need to accept it or move on

There are plenty of examples where a parent’s relationship takes priority as their life moves on from bringing up children.
So just say they wanted to go on holiday and the only time they could go is the week the adult child’s birthday falls on because of work, should they forfeit the holiday to be home on adult child’s birthday?

It still depends on the circumstances, I disagree that a parents relationship (or holiday) takes priority. It might be reasonable for it to take priority but it might not.

23 year old adult child, still living at home and not having the best time in life, a parent might rightly decide to be around for the birthday.
30 year old adult child with their own home and family wanting the parent to sacrifice a holiday so that they can attend a birthday dinner on the date, the parent might rightly choose to go on holiday.

There are a million other varying circumstances that could also make a difference, but it is never a given that a parent should choose their partner over their children just because their life has moved on from bringing up young children.

@Sweetchillidiphigh

I’m surprised how many have voted for Adult step child here. When they’re the one being out of order.

As a rule the SC comes first, however, when bad behaviour exists, then obviously that needs to be addressed.

@negomi90 I don’t necessarily agree that an father should attend his child’s wedding where they’ve refused to invite his wife. That is an adult showing absolutely no regard for their parent’s actual life and pretty shit behaviour.

I would never have considered not inviting my stepparents or my husband’s stepparents to my wedding (had it been a wedding with guests, rather than a witnesses only covid special). It doesn’t matter what I think of any of them. My parents have chosen them and that is that. I will do the adult thing and accept my parents’ choices for their own lives.

An adult old enough to get married is old enough to accept that your parents have lives. And, for children of divorce, that includes accepting they’ll have new partners. I grew up and left home. I have my own life. My parents deserve theirs. And they choose to spend it with people I wouldn’t choose, but they’re not me. They wouldn’t choose my husband either.

Obviously that’s different if they’ve actually done something truly awful. But mostly that isn’t the case. It’s just adult stepchildren behaving like brats. I think my stepfather might be the most boring man alive, and he always tries to tell me what my job is (I moved into the same sector he worked in - at a higher level than he ever managed back in the day 🤣; he hasn’t got a clue what my job is) and tries to tell my husband too (which is absurd as he definitely knows nothing about that industry). I think my stepmother is a neurotic pain in the arse. But these are the people my parents have chosen to spend their lives with.

I would much prefer that my parents had partners and lives and were happy than that they were sitting around prioritising me. They deserve to live their lives now that their children have grown up.

I'm going through similar, my DH of 10 yrs adult SD recently moved back in with her DM and has since jumped on the bandwagon that I'm terrible, despite me not even meeting my DH until they had been seperate 3 years and he had a relationship between her and me.

Dh actually warned me what she was up to, now its glaringly obvious, but DH says she has form for doing things like this and to ignore her, he will do the same, stay supportive for her and his DGC but he's not picking sides because she's being ridiculous.

If when my DC are older I enter a relationship that threatens the relationship I have with any of my DC I will leave that relationship and either find another or not bother but I won't be risking my relationships with my children for anyone. It's just not worth it. They are reasonable sorts, if they were not I may feel differently.

@funinthesun19

I see a lot of my dad and we’re very close. He is a huge support in my life and he adores his grandchildren.

I am an adult, so therefore his first and foremost priority is his wife. He fits me in around his life with my SM rather than fitting my SM around me.

I’m 100% certain that if I was horrible and rude and a bit of a brat, my dad wouldn’t stand for it.

This ^^

I'll always love my children, but I don't expect to be prioritizing their needs over my DH's (their Dad) when they're in their 30's. They're NT so by 30+, I assume they'll be completely in charge of their own lives.

We'll always back them up and help them, but not to the detriment of our own relationship and lives.

I know mumsnet is generally anti step parent and pro step child. No matter what. Now everything I’ve seen with regards marital advice with blended families is that your spouse must be number 1

"no matter what"

Well that's just plain thick.

Calling your sc a "bitch" is disgusting and it is disgusting that her father is supporting you when you say that.

@Stompythedinosaur You’d call her one too if you knew her and what she’s been like. I could think of worse words for her right now

Op if your SD is rude to you and nasty, I can understand you wanting little or no contact with her, however, I could never ask a partner to choose me over an adult child. No wanting the person in your home is one thing, but it shouldn’t prevent your dh maintaining contact with his daughter by some other arrangement that doesn’t affect you.

@TellySavalashairbrush I’ve never asked him to. However she is creating a situation where she’s demanding his loyalty lies with her when she’s the one being out of order. I don’t think she will be happy unless he leaves me. She doesn’t have and has never had a long term relationship so I think her ideas of being the top of her DFs list is a bit unrealistic.

@jimmyjammy001 well done. You win step mother bashing bingo tonight! Nearly every Mumsnetism in your post.