Standing by your spouse when SC are involved

[Sweetchillidiphigh]

I know mumsnet is generally anti step parent and pro step child. No matter what. Now everything I’ve seen with regards marital advice with blended families is that your spouse must be number 1. Now I can understand how that may be extremely hard when your DC are still children but when they reach adulthood, should SC expect to be prioritised over their step parent? And should a parent stand by their spouse or child?
YABU = Spouse comes first
YANBU = Adult child comes first

I would point out that you are misinterpreting statistics. And that opinions are always challengeable.

But, having taught many students who respiratory believed their opinions were sacred and had no intention of ever reconsidering them, I’m not sure it’s worth it.

@BurntToastAgain

I would point out that you are misinterpreting statistics. And that opinions are always challengeable.

But, having taught many students who respiratory believed their opinions were sacred and had no intention of ever reconsidering them, I’m not sure it’s worth it.

How would you interpret the divorce rates then?

And now I'm on drugs too.

Yep, I'm out.

It's very obvious I have not diagnosed you with anything, you are taking any adjectives or jokes anyone uses and turning them into deeply serious, literal comments. On top of that, and peak irony, you are the person who has been struggling to accept that I disagreed with your comment last night, yet you're like a dog with a bone about other people supposedly behaving that way.

This is very tiresome, it's a waste of everyone's time.

@SleepOhHowIMissYou if you read through the thread you would have noticed there are other posters who agree with BurntToastAgain

I've only been vocal because you started to attack the poster, rather than just debate with the poster.

Btw in the UK we are unlikely to have mass shootings due to the gun laws. However we do have parents of adult children with convictions for terrorism, stabbing someone to death, child abuse, etc. Then there are parents of drug addicts and alcoholics who may not have any convictions but their behaviour has had a profound negative impact on their family. Some of these parents may be still married to the adult child's other parent, while others are not and may have a different partner/spouse.

@aSofaNearYou missing you already.

@RedWingBoots where did I say no one else was agreeing with you or burnt toast? They are. They are just not the majority opinion.

@ShinyHappyPoster very well said

ShinyHappyPoster

It's impossible to say. There's no hard and fast rule and you're being vague about why her behaviour is so 'terrible'. Lots of adult DCs have points where they are rude to their parents. Lots of step-parents treat SDCs horrendously. No-one here knows whether you or your SD are in the wrong.
Your DH has already told her she's out of order and you've said you don't want her in your house. Is it your house or is it you and your DH's house? Because if the house belongs to both of you then I wouldn't be making DH choose. I'd let him have her to visit when you're not there.
As a PP pointed out, you seem determined for there to be a competition between you both for your DH. That's quite an immature attitude.

This

Came to this thread and 30comments in and I'm having a wtf moment.

In nuclear families -it's the parents and then the kids sit under the umbrella below the children in terms of power. This is a accepted way of being.

In step families people apologise for the first family breaking up and seem to forget power dynamics that most nuclear families have and seem to think you must make up for that first family not making it so SC come before all.

It's simply not true and it's not healthy for that dynamic to come into pay for anyone including the SC. Otherwise you have a SC thinking they are in charge of the adults, which is what this 30 year old is now trying to do by turning it into a competition.

You have to teach the word no and boundaries from a young age, step family or nuclear or you end up with kids thinking the world spins for them. I say this as a grown stepchild. If you don't teach your children this then you will end up with entitled adults. Period.

@candlelightsatdawn

Came to this thread and 30comments in and I'm having a wtf moment.

In nuclear families -it's the parents and then the kids sit under the umbrella below the children in terms of power. This is a accepted way of being.

In step families people apologise for the first family breaking up and seem to forget power dynamics that most nuclear families have and seem to think you must make up for that first family not making it so SC come before all.

It's simply not true and it's not healthy for that dynamic to come into pay for anyone including the SC. Otherwise you have a SC thinking they are in charge of the adults, which is what this 30 year old is now trying to do by turning it into a competition.

You have to teach the word no and boundaries from a young age, step family or nuclear or you end up with kids thinking the world spins for them. I say this as a grown stepchild. If you don't teach your children this then you will end up with entitled adults. Period.

Thank you. I think this is one of the most sensible replies I've seen about step parents in general on this forum

Your first post was super vague and in general, kids come first even when they’re not “kids” any more.

Partners come and go but your children are always your children.

That doesn’t mean your step child has a free pass to be awful to you, though.

The saddest thing I witnessed recently was the aftermath of a situation very similar to the OPs. Family member who is an adult SD in her mid 40s treating the SM appallingly, targeted bullying the likes of which I have never seen before. There was an agenda, she needed them to split up.

The DF, not wanting to take sides, stuck his head in the sand and hoped it would all work out eventually. This went on for several years until the SD used the ultimate weapon and has been cut off.

They are ALL to blame, the SD for being a despicable, selfish human being, the DF for being a weak willed coward who stood by and watched as his wife was being repeatedly abused and the SM who kept going back for more, time after time and allowed the SD to treat her like shit for years with not a single boundary in place, waiting for the DH to erect them for her.

The SD is now persona non grata, suffering from severe depression and anxiety and feels like she has "fallen into a pit of despair", I can't help but wonder if she passed her SM coming out as she was falling in.

She firmly believed that anything she done to the SM would not affect her relationship with her DF - because "she is his daughter and should always come first"!

Although not directly involved in any of it, my life (and the lives of others I love) has been negatively affected by the whole thing and I am mad at all three of them.

People need to pull their heads out of their asses if they think an adult "child" can somehow be excused for shit behaviour on the basis of the relationship.

As a step mother of two young adults, I can relate to the OP. I strongly disagree that a child should be made to feel so much more important than the adults - not less so either but making a step child out to be perfect with no consequences for bad behaviour is a recipe for disaster.
My step daughter was put on a pedestal by her father and given zero consequences for extremely rude and disrespectful behaviour. Needless to say she is a truly unpleasant individual who has been called out for bullying peers. It’s done her no favours whatsoever.
Her mother claims her daughter was the victim in this whole sorry tale, very far from the truth. I believe this to be an example of parents failing to see the bigger picture and labelling their children as victims when the opposite is the truth.

Not that they ever would because they are decent, respectful adults but I would never stand back and watch my DC treat anyone badly in my house. Not a friend, visitor, family member or partner/spouse. We don't allow that kind of behaviour here.

The fact that they will always be my DC is neither here nor there....why does permanency even come into it? I don't understand. My DDog will always be my DDog, I won't let him bite my new BF.

Of course it's not acceptable to allow dc or sc to be rude. But here we are talking about sc in their 30s and op still hasn't said what they did that was rude. We know she will never forgive them or let them into the house ever again but we don't know what they did so how can anyone know who is in the wrong?

how can anyone know who is in the wrong?

We are not being asked to decide who is in the wrong, we are being asked ...

when they reach adulthood, should SC expect to be prioritised over their step parent? And should a parent stand by their spouse or child?

The context being that an adult DC is being "absolutely awful" to the SP.

We can answer in general terms without asking the OP to divulge her exact story.

To answer the OP...

I don't think an adult DC should expect to be prioritised if they are treating someone awful.

I also don't think a parent should blindly stand by either of them because of how they are related to them.

@JennysMiddleFinger 👏🏼👏🏼 exactly

Interesting. I think the adult dc should expect to be prioritised if the sm has behaved badly in some way and invited the retaliatory bad behaviour (or behaviour she perceives as bad anyway).

Or if the sm is overreacting to something relatively minor and unfairly banning the sc from the house she shares with their father.

In those circumstances I'd expect the father to prioritise his relationship with his children and stand up to the sm.

I think the adult dc should expect to be prioritised if the sm has behaved badly in some way and invited the retaliatory bad behaviour (or behaviour she perceives as bad anyway).

Or if the sm is overreacting to something relatively minor and unfairly banning the sc from the house she shares with their father.

I think everyone would agree with you in that context but that isn't what is being asked here though.

"when they reach adulthood, should SC expect to be prioritised over their step parent? And should a parent stand by their spouse or child?"

This op's question isn't it?

So my response would be - it depends on the circumstances.

As a general 'should dc be prioritised over sm'- it depends on each family's relationships, history and dynamics, and the context of the prioritisation.

As a more specific response to op's situation - we don't have enough information from op to make an informed or useful response.