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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Standing by your spouse when SC are involved

219 replies

Sweetchillidiphigh · 01/01/2022 20:33

I know mumsnet is generally anti step parent and pro step child. No matter what. Now everything I’ve seen with regards marital advice with blended families is that your spouse must be number 1. Now I can understand how that may be extremely hard when your DC are still children but when they reach adulthood, should SC expect to be prioritised over their step parent? And should a parent stand by their spouse or child?
YABU = Spouse comes first
YANBU = Adult child comes first

OP posts:
MoreAloneTime · 02/01/2022 08:12

Sounds like some of the problem is with adult children who haven't been able to grow into their own person with a life of their own and as a result is still very needy with their parents.

twominutesmore · 02/01/2022 08:34

I wish you'd just tell us what she's done, op. A general 'always prioritise spouse' or 'always prioritise sc' would be ridiculous since it does of course depend on the context.

BananaBlue · 02/01/2022 08:42

A relatives wife could have written all of this.

She went to war when her DH decided to help out his hardworking daughter by having his DGC a few hours EOW so she could work.

SM complained it was encroaching on her leisure time so he looked after DGC elsewhere.

She tried to make him choose as she should have been priority.

KurtWilde · 02/01/2022 08:43

OP still not explaining why SD is so hostile eh? Or whether it's completely unjustified! At this point I'm thinking no smoke without fire.

I'd never go NC with my children for a partner. I'd pick them up on shitty behaviour, but I wouldn't blindly side with a partner just because they'd decided they should take priority. Especially if there was shitty behaviour on both parts.

FirewomanSam · 02/01/2022 08:53

@BananaBlue That sounds like my grandfather and his wife (my mum’s stepmum). They encouraged my parents to move closer to them so that they could help out when I was born.

They apparently looked after me once and then when my parents asked them to have me a second time a few weeks later, stepmum hit the roof and said they were taking advantage. Grandfather sided with his wife and they never had me again.

vivainsomnia · 02/01/2022 08:57

Considering you haven't shared the situations and what she does that is so awful, how can we take a stand. In all likelihood, she could come and post here saying how horrible you are.

Ultimately your oh is standing up to you so it's not an issue for you. She clearly thinks her dad is not seeing the situation clearly. That's her right.

BurntToastAgain · 02/01/2022 08:58

@KurtWilde

OP still not explaining why SD is so hostile eh? Or whether it's completely unjustified! At this point I'm thinking no smoke without fire.

I'd never go NC with my children for a partner. I'd pick them up on shitty behaviour, but I wouldn't blindly side with a partner just because they'd decided they should take priority. Especially if there was shitty behaviour on both parts.

If the OP didn’t feature the words ‘child’ and ‘stepdaughter’ would you be insisting that someone being hostile and trying to break up someone else’s relationship was probably provoked?

If it were the MIL or the SIL, for example?

This is a 30 year old woman, not an 8 year old feeling jealous. She needs to accept her father’s relationship choices. She doesn’t have to like his wife, but she does need to accept that her father chooses to spend his life with the OP.

BurntToastAgain · 02/01/2022 08:59

@MoreAloneTime

Sounds like some of the problem is with adult children who haven't been able to grow into their own person with a life of their own and as a result is still very needy with their parents.
Oh definitely. This in spades.
GoodPrincessWenceslas · 02/01/2022 09:05

I don't think it's a matter of priorities, it's a matter of whether you are prepared to tolerate bad behaviour, no matter who it comes from.

KurtWilde · 02/01/2022 09:06

If the OP didn’t feature the words ‘child’ and ‘stepdaughter’ would you be insisting that someone being hostile and trying to break up someone else’s relationship was probably provoked? If it were the MIL or the SIL, for example?

Of course I would Confused

I'm a mum and a step mum, it's not an easy job and my SC were teens when I met their dad and are now adults. But as with any relationship, especially complicated ones like blended families, I'd say it's unusual that the SC (especially adult ones) cause problems for no reason!

And I'd say that about anyone.

aSofaNearYou · 02/01/2022 09:07

Neither should be prioritised purely because of their status, they should be prioritised if they are in the right.

In your case, it sounds like that is not the SC.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 02/01/2022 09:08

You are a parent forever, not just until your kids are adults. In some ways you children always need prioritising. That doesn't mean taking their 'side' regardless of what happens though.

Cindercat · 02/01/2022 09:09

Not enough info here to make a decision BUT once a DC is an adult, their needs from their parent are not the same. This is the thing that frustrates me about DSC threads all the time on here. A parent's first priority is to meet the needs of their DC, including their emotional needs. What too many parents do is massively over-compensate and over-project their own fears and anxieties onto the DC, which causes a vicious cycle. The DF may well have let the DD down at various points - we don't know. But at age 30, she has some responsibility to take control of her feelings. She can't expect to be top of her dad's tree in all things, all the time. I certainly wouldn't have expected this at age 30?! Again, there isn't enough context here to give an informed opinion and we only have OP's side, so I haven't voted on this one at all. But in principle, it's perfectly reasonable for dad's life with his partner to be his priority at this stage in life. His DD is a grown woman and under no circumstances is it acceptable for her to be rude and unpleasant to the OP.

KatherineJaneway · 02/01/2022 09:09

It isn't that black and white, it depends on the situation.

DrSbaitso · 02/01/2022 09:12

[quote Sweetchillidiphigh]@1921census That’s awful and I’m so sorry this happened to you. Fortunately for my SD she had no such childhood and was doted on by all parents including me. She’s just grown into a giant b#### I’m afraid. Her DF is firmly in my corner for no reason other than she has behaved so badly. But thinking about it, I wonder how I’d have felt if he had sided with her regardless of wrongdoing. I think it may have ended my marriage…[/quote]
Well there's clearly a ton of back story here. We really can't make any judgements based on this. If there's no reason to have automatic loyalty to your kids in a fight, though, then there's also no reason to have automatic loyalty to your spouse.

Aimee1987 · 02/01/2022 09:13

I dont think in any family any 1 person gets priority over another and that applies to blended famlies as well ( I say that as a mum and step mum).
Every member of a family deserves to be treated with respect so without more information regarding what DSD has done or what the argument is about it's quite difficult to say if you are right or wrong.

maddening · 02/01/2022 09:19

He can stand by you and still have a relationship with his daughter and attempt to heal the rift. All sides should be willing to work on healing the rift, atonement for bad behaviour is possible, you should be willing to accept it.

Saskia6 · 02/01/2022 09:36

**Not enough info here to make a decision BUT once a DC is an adult, their needs from their parent are not the same. This is the thing that frustrates me about DSC threads all the time on here. A parent's first priority is to meet the needs of their DC, including their emotional needs. What too many parents do is massively over-compensate and over-project their own fears and anxieties onto the DC, which causes a vicious cycle. The DF may well have let the DD down at various points - we don't know. But at age 30, she has some responsibility to take control of her feelings. She can't expect to be top of her dad's tree in all things, all the time. I certainly wouldn't have expected this at age 30?! Again, there isn't enough context here to give an informed opinion and we only have OP's side, so I haven't voted on this one at all. But in principle, it's perfectly reasonable for dad's life with his partner to be his priority at this stage in life. His DD is a grown woman and under no circumstances is it acceptable for her to be rude and unpleasant to the OP.

THIS 100% COULDN’T HAVE WORDED IT BETTER

Original poster
Sweetchillidiphigh · 02/01/2022 09:38

I’ll never forgive her and she won’t be welcome in my house. It’s not just one thing it’s several things over a few years designed to hurt me. I don’t want him to cut ties with her I just want her to realise he will be staying with me and she doesn’t get to be nasty and rude. By not addressing her behaviour he’d be letting her think it’s ok. He has told her she’s out of order and now she’s very angry with him. She expects him to chose her. He won’t chose but if forced he will chose me as she is the one driving it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sweetchillidiphigh · 02/01/2022 09:40

If he takes her side and let’s her continue to abuse me I will leave him. It’s a massive strain on our relationship and a real problem to my mental health.

OP posts:
BananaBlue · 02/01/2022 09:42

By not addressing her behaviour he’d be letting her think it’s ok. He has told her she’s out of order and now she’s very angry with him.

Isn’t this a direct contradiction?
She’s banned from your house, he has told her she is OOO.

What do you want him to do? What do you want to happen?

Branleuse · 02/01/2022 09:43

I think if i was in that situation id back down. After all, shes never going to get a new dad. You could get a new husband.

FirewomanSam · 02/01/2022 09:49

I don’t want him to cut ties with her I just want her to realise he will be staying with me and she doesn’t get to be nasty and rude. By not addressing her behaviour he’d be letting her think it’s ok. He has told her she’s out of order and now she’s very angry with him. She expects him to chose her. He won’t chose but if forced he will chose me as she is the one driving it all.

I’m not sure what you mean by ‘choose’ but in general I think if someone tries to force someone else to choose in a kind of ‘it’s me or her’ way, then that person has already lost.

Your husband has told his daughter her behaviour is out of order. It’s not clear to me what else you want to happen but if you’re saying that his daughter is offering him an ultimatum between you or her, then I think the best response is to say that he won’t play that game but she knows where he is if she changes her mind.

For context, I’m an adult child of divorced parents and I can think of a few times in my early adulthood where my parents ‘chose’ their spouses’ wants over mine and it was very painful. But I would never have issued them any kind of ultimatum. That’s never the right answer.

twominutesmore · 02/01/2022 09:52

"I’ll never forgive her and she won’t be welcome in my house."

For me, that's the issue with many sm/sc relationships.

Nobody would say that about their own child. You'd be angry, you'd be upset, you'd want an apology but you would never close the door forever on your child.

To me, this sort of hyperbolic talk is just incendiary and escalates any argument into the realms of permanent rift. I am surprised her dad is going along with this, since it's his home too. No matter what she's done is he really saying there's no way back from it and she can't set foot in her father's home again?

I wish you'd tell us what she's done, because it's hard to see permanent exclusion from the home and never speaking again as reasonable.

TimBoothseyes · 02/01/2022 09:52

@Branleuse

I think if i was in that situation id back down. After all, shes never going to get a new dad. You could get a new husband.
You'd accept being treated badly by a 30 year old woman behaving like a spoilt 7 year old? Jeez talk about setting a low bar for yourself.
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